Hangovers. Ah yes, when the glorious lies you were telling last night come crashing into the truth of today’s terrible reality. They are nature’s way of reminding you that life is not really as enjoyable as you might have thought when you were slow dancing with the vacuum cleaner and summoning another round of margaritas.
Hangovers, for all their unpleasantness, do teach you something of a lesson, the most pertinent among them being not to drink so much again–or at least to quarter yourself off from others if you do.
In our book, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery, there are stories with which to comfort yourself the next time you’re shouting for Pepto Bismol and complaining about the weakness of your morning coffee.
Here, in the interest of the finest service journalism (journalists often say you should ‘write what you know’) is a series of tips you can pin to your refrigerator if by the next morning you’re able to make it that far and perhaps revisit its contents that’ve been processed and left on the linoleum floor.
Now, we should point out that, at least until the check clears for the diploma, we’re not real doctors. We are though, festive boozing consultants, so take that with a grain of salt (and a handful of extra strength Advil) and don’t call us in the morning.
Holiday Hangover Prevention Tips
- Attend a Mormon social or a meeting of the Modern Day Temperance Society.
- Stay up as late as possible after a night of heavy boozing. Take in a few infomercials, preferably ones that don’t focus on how you can best work out ‘your core’ or with any combination of punching and kicking as vertigo might set in.
- Keep a jug of Gatorade on hand. Friends swear by this and we have no proof whatsoever of its effectiveness, but at least it’ll make you think of happier times like when you had the powdered version in 5th grade soccer practice.
- If your hand-eye coordination enables turning on a stove (remember to turn it off too, as carbon monoxide poisoning is also a cure for a hangover, albeit a more permanent one) a hefty high-carb plate of Kraft Dinner will mop up much of the alcohol swimming around in your gut.
- A matter of principle as well as concern for your health would dictate that you not consume cheap red wine (note: this warning takes it for granted that you are not the type to attempt drinking Listerine or other “not to be taken internally” refreshments).
- Do not think yourself brilliant for remembering that old song and ordering “one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer,” as such a combination could wreak havoc on your innards.
- Generally, it’s best to stick with clear alcohols such as gin and vodka as the hangovers tend to be less severe than those of the darker variety that contain “cogeners”, noxious by-products of fermentation. And remember, no matter what a lobbyist for the vodka industry tells you (unless he’s buying free rounds) a real martini contains GIN.Bottoms up and best of luck!
- (Above excerpted from “The Mourning After” chapter of The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and an article