How to Spot a Christmas Drunk

Last year, the British Home Office (the government body, not where you say you work in order to keep the tax man’s grubby paws out of your pockets) issued undercover police officers looking to fine bartenders serving the already inebriated – basically every bar patron during the holidays – a field manual telling them how to spot drunks during the holiday season.

The manual, given to 90 police teams countrywide taking part in the pre-Christmas Responsible Sales of Alcohol Campaign (Operation Killjoy by our lights), did British taxpayers proud, coming up with such startling observations as “[drunks tend to be] careless with money”, and they also cuss, bump into one another and, on a related note, engage in inappropriate sexual behavior, as well as slur their speech and have difficulty following any conversation that goes beyond: “Fancy a pint?” “Too right. Your round.”

Newspapers and pub trade publications (slur that three times fast while touching your nose with your big toe), like The Publican, mocked the Home Office’s effort, condemning it as “absolute nonsense”, and suggesting that the government would be better off focusing its efforts on the supermarkets, which are selling beer cheaper than water (a delightful trend for your bargain boozehound that we covered here).

Of course, the Home Office’s report deserved all the derision it received, and if we’ve added to that here then all the better, but being able to spot a true Christmas drunk as opposed to your average red-nosed holiday boozer is nonetheless important, and not just for police – it could save you and your loved ones from injury, or, possibly worse, having to pony up bail money for someone near and dear. In that spirit we present you with:

The Shark Guys’ Tips for Spotting a Christmas Drunk

Times when you can be sure that you are in the presence of an authentic Christmas drunk:

  • Ambulances arrive early Christmas morning to attend to some drunk in a Santa suit who slid off an icy roof in an attempt to give Little Johnny an authentic Christmas experience.
  • Little Johnny, earlier in the holiday season, gets a contact high from a mall Santa who has been drinking boxed wine all day (See “Mommy, Santa smells funny”, in the “Holiday Cheers” chapter of “The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death”, for a story of a mall Santa who did just that, crashed through the store’s front window, and, call it a holiday miracle if you will, still managed to keep his job).
  • The person in question is spotted peeing Frosty The Snowman to an early grave.
  • The serenity of a hymn at your Christmas Eve religious celebration is ruined by the off-key caterwauling of some drunk who’s just woken up and thinks it’s about time that “Waltzing Matilda” be given a proper airing.
  • The person in question has rambled outside of your holiday party and is now on your front lawn simulating acts with your plastic reindeer that might forever corrupt poor Rudolph.
  • The person in question is Kiefer Sutherland:
  • Speaking of the UK, we are pleased to announce that The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery is available in the British Isles. CLICK HERE.