10 Predictions for the Year 2074

January 6, 2014 | Lists

Larry Kent with Rubbing Crystal BallIsaac Asimov is one of the best known science-fiction writers in history, taking a place of pride alongside Philip K. Dick and whoever else Amazon recommends when you go to purchase one of those books. He reportedly wrote more than 500 of these works. Sure, at least 450 must have been utter dreck just to make the numbers, but the elbow grease he would have had to put into that in the pre-dictation software era is still pretty impressive.

Despite these accomplishments, his reputation as some kind of great visionary seems unwarranted. Sure, by writing as much as he did he would have had to have been totally lacking in all powers of human perception not to get some things right. But when he actually sat down in 1964 to predict what the world would be like in 2014, he basically crapped the bed.

A list of predictions of his made during the 1964 is circulating now online which many believe, for some unfathomable reason, are “eerily accurate”. Of the list of 12, none are accurate, including “The human race would be incurably bored.” You know a surefire cure for boredom? Civil war. The other 11 are all wrong as well and read like a crap Back to the Future script: cars that fly — sort-of, appliances with no electrical cords and the topper “[robots which] will be  neither very good, nor very common in 2014″.

Still having about 498 books to go, give or take, before we catch up with Isaac, we thought at least that we would trump him as a futurist here and provide you with a glimpse of the  world in 2074. You’ve been warned.

1. Vacuum cleaners will be rendered obsolete by the clouds of post-explosion particulates constantly wafting in opens windows, rendering any such attempt at housekeeping futile.

2. Video games will reach a new level of hyper reality in that scenarios involving you strangling a leper in mortal combat over a piece of gristle will be carried out in real time, by you and said afflicted individual with no option to restart if you lose.

3. With Alex Trebek long in the ground, Final Jeopardy! will now be a Russian Roulette-like game carried out in survivalist camps — only all the chambers of the guns will be loaded and the participants will know it.

4. Great works of literature and music will be unearthed by battle-scarred inhabitants of the earth for whom culture is, at best, a long faded memory, providing fuel — not for the imagination, mind, but for the fires that keep them freezing to death.

5. Previously cold climes now under an unforgiving sun will witness the thawing out of the dead bodies of several hikers who wandered off paths or were too cheap to hire guides.

6. With stadiums no longer useful even as mass aid stations for poor people, sports will no longer exist as we know them. However, the skills honed through such activities over generations will prove useful. The precision throwing arm of the skilled baseball outfielder, for example, will find a new use in beaning a running enemy with a rock.

7. A new type of “Super Disaster” will have developed, wherein the oceans rise up, floodwaters rush deep into land, massive wind storms kick up, powerful earthquakes erupt and those miraculously left standing after all of these simultaneous catastrophic incidents develop a serious case of the trots.

8. Surfing, long the domain of those able to afford a board and the leisure time needed to perfect the skill, will grow in popularity. Or, rather, trying to stay afloat on a plank of wood amid tumultuous waters will become a more commonly shared experience.

9. The demise of print journalism will be looked on with deep regret, because you can’t wrap a radiation contaminated fish in a now non-existent online media portal.

10. Future versions of us, preserved in cryonics jars, will thaw out long before this scenario unfolds due to the statute of limitations running out on insane demands made in last wills and testaments.

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6 Weird Prison Hotels

November 5, 2013 | Lists

Ottawa_Prison_HotelRodney Dangerfield joked that he stayed in hotels so cheap they’d steal his towels.

When it comes to crime, it’s not something most want associated with hotels, or motor lodges (hotels whose rooms one can accidentally crash a vehicle into).

That goes for whether it’s your things being pilfered – say, by someone you might’ve tipped in the currency of junk food,  unaware of local custom – or accommodations steeped in historical morsels like “this is where so and so met a gruesome end in the bathroom”  that might make one forget about the ring left around the tub.

Some travelers amazingly, don’t even think of a hotel room that “looks like the inside of a prison cell” as a pejorative and want as close to the prison experience as is socially acceptable and without having to threaten a celebrity on Twitter to do it. Morbidity sells and that bit of apocrypha that Fatty Arbuckle might’ve nearly drowned in a bidet can’t compete with hotels with the history and bad Mojo that can only come from having been the kinds of places where you can check out and never leave – prisons (even worse, prisons that play Eagles’ music 24/7). .

Here are some popular hotels/hostels that were once prisons.

The Långholmen Hotel, Stockholm, Sweden.Langholmen_Hotel

It’s easy to mentally recreate the experience of being locked up 23 hours a day and looking askance at Q-Tips that could be fashioned into shanks, at this former hoosegow which was closed in 1975.

Now it’s a swanky hotel and there’s still the option of a single or double cell and the thick cell doors remain from the original structure. The accompanying visual says, if this room is a-rockin’, please come a knockin’ as someone is being smothered with a pillow.

Built on an island, one that was not the kind populated with bikini-clad sportswomen with which Sweden’s popular culture has graced us, this island was originally rocky and barren. Inmates in the 18th century covered it with mud dredged from nearby waterways. If this sounds too austere for your liking, the hotel website promises “daring design solutions and free access to wireless broadband.”

Jailhotel Löwengraben, Luzern, Switzerland.

We’re neutral when it comes to riffs about the Swiss, but not about this jail, built in 1862.

The “unplugged” room gives the visitor as close to an experience of incarceration as you’d want and with the added bonus of not being strangled with gift twine. There’s even a prison library, where you can pretend you’re scouring precedents for that obscure legal loophole required for the governor to spring you before your omnipresence in the library confers a reputation that’s nearly impossible to shake behind bars: the guy who’s always in the library and plum pickings for an easy beating.

In keeping with the incarceration theme, you can knock back drinks in the Alcatraz Club,  pretending you’re Clint Eastwood escaping the eponymous prison, but then realizing you’re in Central Europe and the name makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Pension Unitas, Prague Czech Republic.

In this Russian interrogation cell-cum-hostel, you can rest your head in the very same iron bunk bed that once housed Czech freedom fighter and former president Vaclav Havel.

Havel, who may or may not have signed the pension guestbook (he was the subject of a documentary shoot there), told The Independent when asked about the accommodations, offered an explanation you wouldn’t want proffered by a key character witness: “I live in the present…I have no time to return to the past…details of times best forgotten become hazy if you want them to.”

Karosta-Prison-Hotel6-550x366Karosta, Liepaja, Latvia.

The former KGB crowbar motel cheekily bills itself as “unfriendly, unheated, uncomfortable and open all year round”.

As an added bonus, a concierge dressed in dark blue Soviet naval attire, barks out orders as you’re processed through booking, given a medical exam, identification and hunks of stale rye bread. For kicks, dress the same way and get tourists to hustle your luggage to your room.

Interestingly, it’s staffed by hacks – real prison guards that is, in big-house parlance – not terrible comedians.

Jail Backpackers, Mount Gambier, Australia.Prison_Yard

Actual metal toilets in this joint down under conjure up the lengths inmates would’ve gone, to distill “pruno,” or prison wine (For more on pruno read the Wikipedia entry at your own peril).

If you wish to distill pruno authentically, you have our blessing and let us know how it goes with a quick email, unless you go blind in which case, please refrain from phoning us.

Proprietors  of the 1866 structure, “spent much time and effort cleaning, renovating and re-furbishing”, as evidenced here by the touch of plant life gracing the prison yard.

HI-Ottawa Jail Hostel.

Originally the Carleton County Gaol, the top floor of this 1862 structure served as the jail’s death row. There are some who’d rather be dead than spend a night in a hostel, and the four bunk bed accommodations don’t seem much roomier than what inmates would’ve experienced.

Fenian sympathizer Patrick Whelan was hung here in 1869 and it’s said that his ghost (and probably  the ghosts of filthy backpackers who’ve had unprotected carnal relations), haunts the hostel halls (for more, please see our list of Non-Boring Moments in Canadian History over at Mental Floss).

Here are some more prison hotels, courtesy of The Guardian and The Telegraph.

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