Drunk Moose on the Loose! Justice is Swift and Final for Drunken Toddler-Biting Beast
July 25, 2008 | Weird News
If anyone, Ben Stein for instance, needs proof that Darwin offered more than just creative fuel for the Nazis (a key point in the ironically-titled film featuring one-joke Ferris Bueller prof [and former Nixon lackey] Stein: “Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed”), one need look no further than at how our animal friends seem to enjoy fermented beverages just as much as your second-cousin Murray the Mooch (who incidentally also looks like a stork, thus further strengthening the point).
We did not leave out the wild kingdom (Mutual of Omaha version or otherwise) in our compendium of drunken exploits, “The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death: And Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery.” Indeed, two chapters are devoted to it – “Man Bites Dog and Dog Bites Back,” (the animals were sober in most of these stories, but the humans – like the guy who broke into a zoo late at night so his buddies could watch him wrestle a bear – were not) and “Crapulent Critters,” which features, among others, a raging drunken chimpanzee, an alcoholic and foul-tempered parrot, and ripped royal corgis. Also in that chapter is a small “Dishonorable Mention” entry about elk (the kind of elk that in North America we would refer to as moose) hopped up on fermented apples and terrorizing a senior’s center.
When you’ve been covering drunks in the news for as long as we have, certain patterns begin to emerge: at Christmas time, drunks in Santa suits will gather en masse and start a riot, and, it’s just as certain, that Swedish moose will never know when it’s time to push away from the bar and go home once they start gorging on fermented apples. The connection between moose and alcoholism presumably explains why the worst themed bars you can possibly set foot in that aren’t ersatz Irish places like Mickey Mcfinnigan’s Macgregor Pub & Grill are those with “Moose” in their names — “The Loose Moose” etc. (though we’re sure that the place is a first-rate establishment, or at least the best you can hope for so far removed from civilization.)
In the latest case of a drunken moose terrorizing a Swede, a three-year-old girl was playing in a sandpit when a moose, intoxicated on fermented apples, sauntered by and bit her on the arm. Reports were vague as to whether the child had been drinking at the time or had done anything to provoke the beast. Regardless though, any such actions on the tot’s part would have to be balanced with the 500-800 pound weight advantage that the moose had on its side. The girl let out the kind of piercing shriek that one images one would (even in one’s 30s) when bit by a giant drunken animal, her mother came rushing to her aid and the moose made a drunken zigzag for higher ground.
Unfortunately for the moose, escaping backwoods justice would not be so easy. A renegade posse of hunters, bent on vigilante justice, waited for him at the site of the fermented apples. When he returned for another intoxicating gobble, the hunters shot his ass. Wildlife officials said it was extremely rare for a moose to actually bite a person, though it would be far more common for a moose to kick to death or trample somebody, basically like a bunch of bikers at a social function. The summary execution then seems understandable given that other unattended Swedish children might have met such a fate.
And since we have a yearly limit of stories about misbehaving animals drunk on fermented fruit — we keep them to one such story per year (unless by eating the fermented apples the animal somehow gains the ability to speak, in which case we’ll blog about little else for a long while).