Posts Tagged ‘tips’
April 25, 2013 | Lists
Urinals exist because pub owners were fed up having perfectly good ceramic ruined by drunk guys who couldn’t wait for a stall. In theory, they could be convenient for the vast majority of men who pee standing up – we’re not here to judge those who do so sitting down or after having thrown a roll of plastic over a motel room floor. But in practice it is far preferable to wait for a stall than to stand in front of the porcelain and be subject to the numerous breaches of civilized conduct taking place at nearby stations.
Here in an extension of our earlier guide to Bathroom Etiquette, we offer our male readers – and any female dexterous and bold enough to give it a go – 8 tips to ensure civilized conduct the next time you see a man about a horse (and by that we mean excuse yourself to urinate in a public washroom):
1. It goes without saying that conversation is verboten in this environment even if one utterance from you over your mobile phone could save the lives of thousands.
1b. Whistling is acceptable so long as you keep it at a lower register and don’t modulate to anything too grandiose.
2. Elbow depress the lever. Even industrial strength Purell would be no match for whatever strain of globe-annihilating super flu resides on its handles.
3. Flush that handle as if you’re dynamiting an enemy base — full way down with an eye peeled to ensure it all goes down. Nobody wants two nostrils full of your asparagus lunch.
4. Aim for the middle cake. Much like an eye patch cures lazy eye, you can train your urethra for future snow John Hancocks.
5. The most absurd configuration in the history of pub/restaurant bathroom design is the combined toilet and urinal in the same room with no dividers. Protest against this aberration by using each facility in a manner typically associated with the other.
6. If there’s splash-back, treat the sink like a baptismal pool and explain away the wetness being too close to the road when a car went by (hint, this is much more effective if it’s rained in the past 12 hours).
7. Anyone who’ll eat a urinal cake on a bet for less than what it would cost to buy mid-sized sedan should be electronically tagged and set loose in the wilderness.
8. If you enter a bathroom in which another urinal is in use, pick your spot as strategically far away from the person using it as possible. To judge if you have left enough space, imagine whether you would be able to hit the individual if you decided to stop and turn midstream. If so, move further away.
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March 25, 2013 | Lists
2. No nostalgic references to shows or films from your childhood that you grew fond of before developing the critical faculties to recognize how terrible they really were.
3. We will not admonish anyone to “Keep calm and carry on”. Drop whatever it is you’re doing and scream.
4. Does not bemoan technological progress and hanker for less complicated times when people separated by distance would only communicate twice a year due to expensive long distance telephone fees and letter writer apathy.
5. No animals — if you’re looking for a photo of a cat with a caption suggesting it has a brain bigger than a walnut and is bent on world domination, you’re out of luck.
6. No landscape clip art featuring new age banalities from either a best-selling “spiritual guru” or anonymous people who were shut out of the greeting card industry by the rise of the internet.
7. Free of foreigners — or rural people in your own countries — doing wacky things.
8. Contains a sentence, actually this one, that exceeds what most web pundits suggest is the optimal length when it comes to writing for the web because readers in this day and age have short attention spans and are unlikely to make it to the full stop. On a related point, these pundits say that rather than reading web pages, people scan them so having short paragraphs is preferable to longer ones — so you’ve likely skipped over this entry. Inexhaustible, the experts also say that varying sentence world length keeps the writer engaged. Good idea. Screw them. (Or we would say that if they could possibly have made it this far).
9. No pictures of babies pulling faces with accompanying captions suggesting that the child is way more skilled in language than his or her years would allow and is also vulgar.
10. Has the SEO link value of running outside and pointing at someone with your index finger.