NFL Predictions

January 11, 2011 | Sports

We generally aren’t the ones you turn to when seeking out sports advice. In fact, counsel from us would likely be as welcome as sauntering into a sports bar Superbowl Sunday and requesting they change the channel to Don’t Forget the Lyrics: Rockin’ Moms edition.

That being said, one of us possesses expertise slightly north of competency when it comes to the NBA, expertise borne of managing a potentially lucrative fantasy pool (betting, both above and below board underpins all major sports) Sure, while the NBA is not pro football, a fact one would be loath to dispute if one tried to dribble a football, there are some similarities: Winners are both picked by a coterie of self-proclaimed experts on TV, whose predictions are often slightly better than handicapping using “population size of metropolitan area” as a predictor.

We are going to analyze the upcoming games not prejudiced by having witnessed too many prior ones.

Green Bay Packers VS Atlanta Falcons:

One of us (NOT pictured, it should be pointed out) travelled to Lambeau Field in 2010 to watch the Green & Gold take on the Dolphins. Lambeau Field serves up deep fried cheese curds, which are as delicious as they sound. Atlanta all season, only lost to playoff-bound, quality teams. How does that stack up to cheese curds though? Pick: Packers.

Seattle Seahawks VS Chicago Bears:

Seattle, famously, was the worst team ever to make the playoffs in the history of the NFL. Seattle gave us Hendrix and Cobain. Chicago gave us Ray Charles, Warren Zevon, Mavis Staples, Herbie Hancock, Wilco, and via the south, Buddy Guy, Muddy Waters, Sonny Boy Williamson. Advantage: Bears.

Baltimore Ravens VS Pittsburgh Steelers:

The gritty drug/cop drama The Wire was filmed in Baltimore. Pittsburgh was the setting for Mr. Belvedere and My So-Called Life. Advantage: Ravens.

New York Jets VS New England Patriots:

The Pats have a portly coach who famously illegally spied on other teams. Call them the New England Patriot Acts. Their opponents we’ve written about before, because of their fans’ unruly behavior, some of whom were dubbed “drunk and disgusting”, not by us, but by of all people, the president of the New Jersey Senate.

Another strike against them is a fireman who wears a green hat and admonishes fans to scream J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS!!! If this wasn’t bad enough, and by consensus we’ve decided that it is, you can create your own obnoxious chant with the Fireman Ed App (Please see our list of Apps we’d Like to See). As we’ve seen in West Side Story, Jets are mortal enemies of Sharks. Bet the farm/house/Florida time-share on: Patriots.