15 Reasons Why Soccer is Better Than Baseball

June 16, 2010 | Sports

"soccer baseball"The next time you’re in a Philadelphia sports bar and in the mood for a bit of a frolic, walk up to the person wearing the most MLB-licensed gear whose body type most closely resembles that of the Phillies mascot and ask him if he’s aware that the game of baseball – to which he’s obviously devoted far too much of his free time and disposable income – was invented  by English schoolgirls.

Should the inevitable throat punch still be in the offing and you are capable of further elucidating your point, you could also mention that the term “baseball” made its first appearance in print in 1798 in Jane Austen’s Northanger Abbey. The game was more commonly known as rounders during Austen’s day and it remains popular among English girls too young for the leisure pursuits more common among that country’s modern womenfolk such as pub knife-fighting and glassing.

Your Philly interlocutor could defy stereotype, commend your grasp on the girly origins of his national past-time, but also point out that the game that packs the pubs in England, soccer, is also mostly enjoyed by children in the US. Like adult readers of the Harry Potter books, those who play soccer beyond the age of 12 are tolerated, but only just.

Such debates are never-ending. Of course, each game has its fans and it’s not really fair to suggest that one sport is superior to another just because in its earliest incarnation it was played by schoolchildren who had to  hike up their long dresses as they made a dash for first base.

There are, however, plenty of other reasons that soccer is better than baseball, and here are the Top 15!

1. Despite the preponderance of baseball bats, there are seldom riots at a baseball game—a waste of all that equipment.

2. You could play the outfield sporting an IV drip in an adjustable bed without fear of a ball being accidentally belted in your direction.

3. A World Cup of Baseball would comprise a group smaller than the G8 or those attending a Reddit meet-up for people paralyzed by vaccines.

4. If a ball makes contact with your head in soccer it does not mean an aneurysm.

5. If you break a sweat in baseball, it means you are suffering a pharmaceutical side effect, have a thyroid condition or the Humidex is too high to accommodate pyjamas and a belt.

6. In soccer, if you get into a brawl, you have 300 drunk friends who could potentially jump in and stomp your opponent.

7. If you lit a flare in the stands of a baseball stadium, most people would wake up and complain.

8. A soccer ball won’t take out a windshield.

9. Soccer is a conversation-starter throughout the world, whereas baseball could at best help you ingratiate yourself among a group of Japanese businessmen who also like pro-wrestling.

10. Soccer managers wear sharp suits and smoke on the bench. Baseball managers suit up as if they’re in the starting line-up, despite guts nearly twice as large as those unsuccessfully processing heavy carbs on the diamond.

11. Soccer games usually last only 90 minutes and often after a match exuberant youth do a bit of high-spirited rioting. Three hours of Major League Baseball would be enough to leave even the most boisterous would-be hooligan in an existential funk.

12. Soccer can be enjoyed anywhere with an open (buried-explosive-free) space and a ball. Unless players are willing to risk broken bones in their hands, baseball can only be enjoyed in remote locales after the arrival of a Federal Express shipment of gloves.

13. Soccer is a sport where you can occasionally get away with kicking someone.

14. Unlike soccer where people are constantly running up and down a vast field, in baseball the majority of the exercise is had by the fans during the seventh inning stretch.

15. It is unheard of for someone to be trampled to death at a baseball game, a sorry statement on the enthusiasm of the game’s fans.

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17 Responses | | Comments Feed

  1. It seems unfair to point fun at a nation whose three major sports – baseball, basketball and American football – cannot be taken seriously by most right-minded adults. I would rather listen to the fishing on the radio.

    • fishing… waiting hours and hours for the chance at an exciting few seconds of wresting with something 1/10th your size. baseball… waiting tens of seconds between at bats for your team to pull something together and do something amazing. yes, fishing

  2. We’re inclined to agree, though one of has a fondness for the perpetually failing local hoops franchise, the Raptors.

  3. With regards to point #12, I would like to point out that cricket outfielders the world over manage to catch a ball that is considerably harder than a baseball without the aid of a glove and without breaking their fingers. The conclusion I must draw here is that Americans and other baseball playing types are just a bunch of sissies.

    • Sissies… right… Because soccer players aren’t known for falling over from a stray breeze

  4. I love soccer! I’d like to use some of this information on my blog if you don’t mind, and I’ll provide a link back to your site.

  5. My favorite is #14, speaks for itself, and is SO true.

  6. Americans are pussies when it comes to sports. They have to be all padded up like they are scared of breaking a fingernail. Aussie rules, Cricket and Rugby are just a few games where majority of the players are not afraid of a contest and don’t need pads to protect themselves. Americans need to man up or be a laughing stock when it comes to hardness in sports.

    • pretty sure the comparison here is between soccer and baseball… soccer players fall down for no reason, baseball players get carted off when they get hit in the head by 100mph fastballs.

  7. Try playing hockey without equipment, hell of a lot more dangerous than any aussie rugby game… fact

  8. Stupid.

  9. Baseball is so bad any sport is ten times better than pussy ass baseball


  11. Reply to number 7- If its anybody being asleep its someone in the stands at a soccer game. You’re telling me I would not be asleep watching some grubby old men kicking a ball around and the game ending ina score 0-0. Waste of time and money. Reply to whole thing- Baseball never ends in a tie soccer ends 0-0. Soccer players, flop, whine, and fake injuries. Kicking a ball? real hard. try hitting a 90 mile an hour pitch wuth a bat. Baseball is 100% harder than soccer, 100% more exciting sport than soccer and a 100% more manly sport than soccer. Sorry soccers gay

  12. Baseball may be hard if ur a pro. But it is without a doubt, the most boring sport
    I’ve ever played or watched

  13. Baseball is so fucking boring! it takes no skill to play baseball

  14. This is the most false thing I have ever read. #butthurt

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