Honoring the 4th of July

July 4, 2012 | Reviews

I cannot tell a lie. I am very intoxicated

4th of July is here, that federal holiday that honors the adoption of the Declaration of Independence, that legal equivalent of getting your own bachelor pad – first celebrated in 1777 with a 13-gun salute (aimed hopefully far enough away from anyone having a barbecue).

It’s a time to relax and rejoice in the fact that there’s one fewer day in the workweek, a time to, as George Washington put it “Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism” by drinking very patriotic beer.

As Canadians, our Canada Day celebrations are less vibrant – what with those permits that are required to carry concealed fireworks – a more subdued affair. The pomp and circumstance volume knob is turned down a notch.

We frequently pay tribute to the US of A, not only on this, the storied day of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest and its “bus of champions”, commandeered in all likelihood to speed off to the nearest ER post-competition, but other times as well.

In our Top Patriot Gifts list, for example, we looked at the intensely patriotic Stars and Stripes Nunchucks:

As the saying goes, “It’s better to have some chucks than nun-chucks at all”.

If you party the way you should be partying on Independence Day - like it’s 1799 and your rum rations have been upped – chances are the neighbors are going to get upset.

Raising a ruckus and getting all the neighborhood dogs howling in unison is what freedom and liberty is all about. The perfect gift for the patriotic partier who lives in a bad neighborhood, these slick-looking nun-chucks will most certainly club the nearest private security guard investigating a disturbance into quick submission.

They have “don’t tread on me” written all over them and if you’re using them in connection with those Stand-your-Ground statutes, the presiding judge will let you rap them on his desk in lieu of a gavel.

It is recommended when rapping someone across the knees with these babies that you say something along the lines of “And that, I’ll have you know, came from the good ole’ U, S, of A”.

We’ve also looked at songs honoring each of the US States. (California, for example, has California Dreamin’, Californication, California Stars and California Love to name a few).

As we put it there, most songwriters will at some point pen an ode to the place that gave them the early inspiration to pursue a career in music — i.e. the taunts of jocks or the realization that guys who can play guitar stand a better chance of meeting women than even the most advanced Dungeons and Dragons master

Have fun, may you avoid the dangers of propane barbecues and party blowers to the eye in perpetuity. It’s what the Founding Fathers would have wanted.