2008 Psychic Predictions that were Hilariously Off the Mark
January 16, 2009 | Reviews
Cast your minds back, all the way back….to 2007….
In 07, CBS news, that most formidable gatherer and disseminator of press releases, visited Cassadega Florida, a town that holds the distinction of being the Psychic Capital of the World (I see you buying a time-share… on swampland) and where half the town’s residents (YES — HALF OF THE FREAKING TOWN) are psychics.
Since some people only see stars when they get up off the sofa too fast, we tracked down some astrologers, as well as their prognosticating partners in crime, channelers, clairvoyants, mystics and soothsayers to see what sooth was said about 08 and determine if, ‘the sooth would set us free’, as it were. [Editor’s note: Florida has its own FARK category for chrissakes, so we figured we wouldn’t limit ourselves to that state].
We found a representative sample of the kind of prognostications that were made — which we’ve judged to be about on par with the 2009 predictions offered here last week — and here they are:
Pardon our French but the economy in 2008 went right down the shitter, or le shitteur. Newspapers ruined their customers’ breakfasts by trotting “Great Depression”, “Worse since 30s”, and “I hope you arseholes know how to scavenge” into headlines above photos of stock brokers who looked like they might birth goats at any moment. For a time it seemed like the Depression-era icon of a guy clad only in a barrel — yes, that guy –> might come back into fashion.
Who could have predicted such a ruinous time for the finances of the world? Well, certainly not these hucksters:
“I feel that the economy could actually be turning around in a very positive direction. I feel a great strengthening of the stock market,” predicted Reverend Dawn Cassaday, a clairvoyant and clairaudient, not exactly making the competition jealous in the aforementioned psychic capital of the world.
Sylvia Browne,the hideous old crone whose most worthy accomplishment in life was inspiring the excellent StopSylvia.com, pops by Montel Williams once a year when he’s not bringing the gang at the local VD clinic in for paternity testing and shares her ridiculous predictions for the New Year.
Sylvia had this to say about 2008 and the economy: “New hybrids will bring up the automotive industry and help Ford.” Stock markets ‘like a roller coaster. Don’t do anything without researching it. The housing market will get stronger.” This is what you call a psychic shut out. She was wrong on all four counts: This has not been the Year of our Ford; stock markets have been like roller coasters only if you’re talking about the kind of roller coasters they set up at county fairs that weren’t bolted down properly and result in scores of deaths and years of lawsuits; don’t do anything without researching it is good advice for those who would spend money on a Sylvia Browne Vegas show; and the housing market will get stronger, is a comforting thought to those now waiting outside appliance stores for that roomy refrigerator box.
“The basic energy of 2008 is stability and strength in a weak and unstable U.S. economy”, said Barbara Garcia, professional ESP consultant. Barbara went on to compound her 2008 bugaboo with the following: The stock market will be slow and cautious, but steady. I don’t detect an all time low or high in 2008.”
2008 POLITICS PREDICTIONS
2008 was a year that saw us subjected to an American election campaign that seemed as if it began in the foggy memories of early childhood and would follow us until our deaths. We met John McCain, who looked pretty tight-assed for a guy married to a booze heiress and his vice-presidential candidate who, if she did nothing else — and she most certainly did not — gave a shot in the arm to Saturday Night Live. But of course it was Barack Obama’s electoral victory that truly tested out the warranties on American pacemakers. It was a historic occasion that should have been so charged with psychic power that your average clairvoyant would have to be constipated for six months. Surely our best psychics would have seen this massive blot on their celestial radar?
“I feel the office is gonna be held by a Republican,” said the irreverent Reverend Cassaday.
“I will predict that our next president more than likely will be a Republican,” said Matthew Sekunna of the Universal Centre, (also from the Florida story), who had obviously done a Marty McFly like teleporting back a few years, adding: “I have a feeling this one’s also gonna be decided by the courts.”
“I think it will be Hillary,” predicted yet another Florida entrails reader named Jamie Tolaver Ruiz. “And I’m not saying that that’s my choice. But I do feel that Hillary will be the one.” He doesn’t make up the future news, he just delivers it.
Judi Hoffman‘s psychic hot-line was getting two crossed signals, kind of like those old-fashioned party phone lines. “Getting Hilary and Barack Obama at once” [one will be the other’s running mate]. Hilary the pick of record.”
Not to be outdone, Sylvia Browne chimed in with the following startling revelation: “President Bush’s approval rating will continue to drop.”
Nikki, a Toronto-based “psychic to the stars”, had her prognostications saved for the record in the New York Daily News and while we will shortly get to the bulk of them, which had to do with 2008’s entertainment scene, she did venture into the political arena. She got everything wrong, including: John Edwards will win the presidency after Hillary Clinton drops out due to health problems (double wrong whammy there for extra points), Al Gore will run for political office, there will be a terrorist attack at the Beijing Olympics, Prince William and/or Prince Harry will be kidnapped. (“I’ve been getting that one for a couple of years now,” she said, and presumably she’ll keep on ‘getting it’ until it happens or she kidnaps one of them herself”). The US will invade Iran.
Elizabeth Joyce, Philly soothsayer: Either a terrorist attack will force President George W. Bush to declare martial law and postpone the election, or Al Gore will throw his hat into the race at the eleventh hour and be voted president by a landslide. Psychics were hot for Al Gore.
HOW DID THESE SAME SWEET SAYERS OF SOOTH — THESE BETTER SMELLING LATTER-DAY VERSIONS OF NOSTRADAMUS — DO WHEN IT CAME TO PREDICTING WHAT UNNATURAL DISASTERS WOULD BEFALL HOLLYWOOD CELEBS AND WHICH NATURAL DISASTERS WOULD BEFALL THE REST OF US? FIND OUT BY CLICKING HERE FOR PART TWO OF OUR PSYCHIC FLOP RUNDOWN!