Eye Weekly a Bust

January 30, 2010 | Rants

Toronto’s premier conduit for call-girl ads, Eye Weekly, is in a bit of trouble. Its columnists are slowly vanishing and Eye, one of Torstar’s ugly dependents, looks like it’ll soon have its allowance cut off.

Someone once described journalism as “the ability to meet the challenge of filling space” and, with Eye poised on death’s door (death is using the current edition to wipe his boots) it seems its staffers have taken up this challenge; Theater critics have been musing about urban planning, music critics writing about anything and everything—its’ safe to say they’re noticeably a few femurs short of even a skeleton staff.

And this is a shame. What was once a fun little rag full of lively writing from Donna Lypchuk, Bruce LaBruce, Bill Burill, etc, is now nearly exclusively staffed by teen interns, placated with bylines so they won’t go hitting the pavement in search of full-time work.

Over the past few months, the publication, previously known for among other things, placing a premium on the word ‘pastiche’, crappy Venn diagrams and mopping up leaks from the shower has seen a reduction in size to grocery flyer-like proportions— although without the benefit of pointing out the local shop ‘n’ plop has a special on Pert.

Speaking of which, it seems ample endowments are getting in the way of the kinds of navel-gazing that its columnists have become known for of late, case in point:

“We are collectively tit-notized. Big breasts are seductive in a way that’s beyond sex, maybe even beyond the mommy-milk connection. There is the obvious, banal power of big breasts. I can reliably change the dynamic between me and any given male with the release of a button. Watching my breasts move when I walk or have sex or even briefly touch them, makes me feel hot.”

Apart from the obvious issues we have with this—the cheesy ‘soft corn’ writing, if you will—it’s that given the inordinate number of pedestrians taken down in their prime on Toronto streets, watching your tatas move when you walk is probably not the best course of action, especially at busy intersections.

On the plus side, when Eye Weekly finally puts out its last threadbare issue, Torstar’s other, more profitable unit, Harlequin, might be looking for the kind of prose featured above.

And later, from the ‘Theatre’ review:

“Her witty, triumphant displays of vulnerability, including a lip-synched cover of “It’s not Easy Being Green” as lovelorn Kermit, the insertion of multiple clown figures into her vagina as a novel reinterpretation of the classic “clown car”…[Editors' note: presumably not at the same time]  

Such witty, triumphant displays of vulernability can also be found on Patpong Rd in Bangkok, but with ping pong balls.

From ‘How to Drink Better’, “sure, vodka and water tastes a little bland, but really, who drinks alcohol for the taste?” [Editors' note: people over 17?]

Let’s begin the countdown, shall we?

While it’s difficult to watch the journalism profession slowly wither in the digital age, we won’t hold back raising a middle finger to Eye Weekly as it sinks under the weight of its own self-importance and crappy writing. Besides, Now Magazine still has all the band listings.

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