New Coke Vitamin Water (Bottle of snake oil not included)

May 30, 2008 | Mad Science

Vitamin WaterTales of Coke’s ability to dissolve a set of choppers in a glass overnight or to put a sheen on a rust-stained kitchen sink might be urban legends (we ended up eating the T-bone we had soaking in a vat of the stuff, so we can’t comment conclusively on that one, but don’t recommend this method of preparation to diabetics), there is no doubt that the soft drink has ruined many alcoholic beverages. As far as we’re concerned, Coke is the sine qua non wimp-additive for those who can’t handle their liquor, and responsible for ruining otherwise perfectly good rum. You can distinguish the coke-base drunk from your typical drunk by the rotten teeth that accompany his pickled liver in his golden years.

The “Cuba Libre”, (or Rum & Coke) as it’s known in countries, such as Canada, where freedom of mobility rights extend to actually visiting there whenever you choose, is the world’s most popular highball though the “Coke” part is usually abandoned for straight rum by the time the taste-buds warm to it, or when someone turns 17—whatever comes first.

Now, Coke, which was a lot more fun when it was being hawked in the sticks as a coca-leaf infused patent medicine, is returning to its old-timey hucksterism glory days with the introduction of a “vitamin drink” to compete with Gatorade, because when you think “vitamins”, your neurons automatically fire “malty, high-caloric, brown sugar beverage”.

This drink, Vitaminwater, counts among its high-profile endorsers, fast-break fornicator Kobe Bryant, and a bunch of NBA ballers, who if they were compensated well-enough, would even smack their lips at the prospect of a root vegetable turnip-based libation.

Back in our day, its competitor Gatorade came in a packet not unlike the cheese in Kraft Dinner and was mixed with several parts water on the soccer field , and would’ve been dumped on the coach in victory had we not lost or forfeited every game.

Apparently, according to reports, this saccharine soylent green currently occupies 80% of the sports drink market, and Coke is looking to get in on the action. Shockingly, according to the website Scienceline, Coke is not putting out the healthiest product on the market. First, some vitamins are water-soluble — i.e. they can pass into your bloodstream easily via water, and others are fat-soluble which means you can gulp back as much Vitaminwater as you like, but unless you’re washing back a meal, you’re unlikely to enjoy any benefits whatsoever. (And if you are washing back a meal with vitamin water, we don’t want to have dinner with you.) Moreover, the two heaping tablespoons of sugar that are dumped into every bottle of Vitaminwater will ensure that while you are deluding yourself about the health benefits of this sugary drink, your dentist will be out in his driveway patting down his new Mercedes with a baby’s diaper and thanking the heavens for the arrival of Vitaminwater.

Vitamins in the B-complex group are water-soluble, and if you’re a heavy drinker, then it’s likely that you will develop a vitamin-B deficiency over time. While its claims to producing the “Gatorade of Beers” might be a stretch, at least Stampede, the Texas brewer of a Vitamin-B-infused beer, has got its vitamin basics down.

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4 Responses | TrackBack URL | Comments Feed

  1. [...] this all true? Or urban myth? We’ve all seen this chain email before. I just received it today, again, via [...]


  2. seems there is a very big market of adults who want to drink something tasting and looking like lemonade but also want to pretend doing something healthy.

    i have to admire the marketing-genius of coca-cola though: this stuff is probably cheaper to make then actual lemonade (water + sugar + color + vitamin-pills instead of water + sugar + fruit) but can be sold at higher prices because of it’s supposed health-benefits.


  3. How many other companies can outright lie about their product in order to gain more sales AND get away with it?

    PS – Thanks for the comment Selina! I’m always interested to hear what new stories sociopaths like yourself can come up with in order to justify lying to and hurting people in order to an extra buck.


  4. There a TV advert or anything?


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