Mr T Versus Jack LaLanne: 3AM Pitchmen Head to Head

December 30, 2008 | Mad Science

Sometimes we work late, and other times — most times — we drink heavily and end up in front of the TV at odd hours, which, without a satellite, means infomercials. Here then is our rundown of a few recent items up for grabs.

First, the Dual-Action Cleanse. Do not mistake the Dual-Action Cleanse for a new electric toothbrush. You wouldn’t want it anywhere near your mouth, particularly not after it’s been in use. The Cleanse is, actually, a do-it-yourself colonic irrigation kit, for those of you who can’t be arsed (pardon the choice of words) to go to some spa and have the exorbitantly expensive and pointless  procedure done there. (Word to the wise: you’ll crap out whatever the colonic would have sucked out in three days anyway, so save yourself some cash, and call up Dr. Colonel Sanders). According to its claims, the Dual-Action Cleanse has “literally swept across the nation” (we’d hate to be the guy who has to mop up afterwards). Its creator, the shady fight promoter / golden-showers-porn director lovechild of Steve Buscemi and John Waters [below], has a formula “coveted by rivals”, that aims to rid the world of “undigested toxic waste that weighs you down”, in this, his one-man crusade to replicate the bowel movements of children in adults. Yes, that’s right. And if you haven’t been sick today, then here you go, an early barf before New Year’s Day:  “I saw my four year old’s bowel movements, and they seemed so large for her size”, (It must be said that his daughter could well be freakishly large).

Klee Irwin wants to clean your pipes

That creepy Mephistophelian colon plumber though, simply cannot compete with the likes of his early morning pitchman rivals Mr T and Jack LaLanne (whose products are on intake valve side of the ingestion/expulsion divide), even if Dual action cleansing herbal Mojo gets your arse backfiring like a 67 Sting Ray.

If you came of age in the 80s, have prescription-drug related insomnia or basic cable, you’ll know Mr. T — who’ll kick, not cleanse the shit out of you.  Mr T, the A-Team mainstay and coiner of “I believe in the golden rule…the guy with all the gold, rules”, is the man behind the Flavor Wave Turbo, which cooks things so thoroughly that, according to user accounts, “garnishments [sic] aren’t needed”  (a good thing, as at its price point of 3 payments of $39.53 it’s unlikely that a warning, served on a third party to hold money or property belonging to a debtor who is being sued by a creditor, is required)

The device, which “can be used as a serving dish”, if your dining room can accommodate a full-size snooker table or lunch for the average rugby team, has “tornado-like airflow and virtually cleans itself” [Editor's note: to surmise what is meant by this, compare a virtual world with a real one].

This also answers that age old question, wasn’t he the guy who ruined Wrestlemania? “Forget to defrost again?” and offers T space for choice zingers like “This meat looks like the frozen food section!” and “I pity the fool who tries to get this down!”, comments that luckily for all concerned, are made pre speed-cooking/defrost.

With endorsements from none other than Bobbie Sue Luther, the newscaster from Deuce Bigolow: European Gigolo, leathery fitness peddler Jack LaLanne pushes the “Amazing health benefits of juicing!”, benefits that are so amazing, they make biting into an apple rather than crushing it into liquid form at high speed, seem almost quaint.

With over “15,000 hours of juicing capability” (but not in a row, unless you’re off the power grid or have a forgiving landlord), and 36 RPM of centrifugal force to crush whatever helpless legume/citrus fruit crosses its path,  the Juicer also comes with its own recipe book, a candidate for the much-anticipated follow up to our Top 10 Worst Cookbooks of All Time.

“Are you tired, overweight, lacking energy?” If so, you probably aren’t up at 3:45AM watching his infomercial. ‘Do you wish you could look and feel young again? You can, by ‘unlocking the power of natural juice‘. Store bought juices can sit on store shelves per month and be loaded with preservatives but with a Power Juicer, you ‘always know it’s fresh’ (our italics). [Fasting editor's note: comparisons to actual fruit conspicuously absent]

The Power Juicer seems like some unnecessary go-between, when you could simply have LaLanne come by and ram a clementine down your gullet.

Stay tuned as we review the Air Purifier and Rock Hard Abs in 10 Days, on the 11th day (if you aren’t completely satisfied, you get a free ab)

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