Top 8 Urinal Etiquette Tips

April 25, 2013 | Lists

urinalUrinals exist because pub owners were fed up having perfectly good ceramic ruined by drunk guys who couldn’t wait for a stall. In theory, they could be convenient for the vast majority of men who pee standing up – we’re not here to judge those who do so sitting down or after having thrown a roll of plastic over a motel room floor. But in practice it is far preferable to wait for a stall than to stand in front of the porcelain and be subject to the numerous breaches of civilized conduct taking place at nearby stations.

Here in an extension of our earlier guide to Bathroom Etiquette, we offer our male readers – and any female dexterous and bold enough to give it a go – 8 tips to ensure civilized conduct the next time you see a man about a horse (and by that we mean excuse yourself to urinate in a public washroom):

1. It goes without saying that conversation is verboten in this environment even if one utterance from you over your mobile phone could save the lives of thousands.

1b. Whistling is acceptable so long as you keep it at a lower register and don’t modulate to anything too grandiose.

2. Elbow depress the lever. Even industrial strength Purell would be no match for whatever strain of globe-annihilating super flu resides on its handles.

3. Flush that handle as if you’re dynamiting an enemy base — full way down with an eye peeled to ensure it all goes down. Nobody wants two nostrils full of your asparagus lunch.

4. Aim for the middle cake. Much like an eye patch cures lazy eye, you can train your urethra for future snow John Hancocks.

5. The most absurd configuration in the history of pub/restaurant bathroom design is the combined toilet and urinal in the same room with no dividers. Protest against this aberration by using each facility in a manner typically associated with the other.

6. If there’s splash-back, treat the sink like a baptismal pool and explain away the wetness being too close to the road when a car went by (hint, this is much more effective if it’s rained in the past 12 hours).

7. Anyone who’ll eat a urinal cake on a bet for less than what it would cost to buy mid-sized sedan should be electronically tagged and set loose in the wilderness.

8. If you enter a bathroom in which another urinal is in use, pick your spot as strategically far away from the person using it as possible. To judge if you have left enough space, imagine whether you would be able to hit the individual if you decided to stop and turn midstream. If so, move further away.

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2 Responses | | Comments Feed

  1. These commandments should be displayed in every pub toilet in London. We’d all have much dryer shoes.

  2. Regarding pnnugies…it is well known that the Arctic pnnugies were quite musical, but with a penchant for practial jokes and an underdeveloped sense of danger. Sadly, this mix, while resulting in some of the hilarity pictured, eventually caused their demise at the hands of polar bears (who are well known for sensitive hearing and intolerance of musically related practical jokes).As for the ‘toilet’ humor…why is it that a man will stop talking to another man as they both enter the bathroom…but see nothing wrong with conducting a conversation on a cell phone while on the ‘throne’?

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