Top 8 People who Married Animals
February 6, 2009 | Lists
Classic literature, i.e., not the stuff sold at airport kiosks or left in a box by the curb, is chock full of tales of people battling fearsome obstacles all so that they can one day be with the objects of their affection. It took Odysseus 20 years to get back to Penelope, who waited for him faithfully the entire time beating off suitors (who then beat off themselves) with whatever type of large stick was available to her (That’s about 19-and-a-half years longer than many would hold out before calling a lawyer when told, “I’m just going out for some smokes, sweet cakes, I’ll be right back”)
Penelope might have listened when ol’ Odie said ‘stay!’, but some obstacles to love are so daunting that you might be better off with an actual object as your object of affection, say, a chair.
Interspecies love has been, not surprisingly, taboo cross-culturally, and with good reason. You don’t want a tribe member shacking up with and getting emotionally attached to a potential food source, especially when the god of the harvest isn’t heeding those orgies you’ve organized in his or her honor.
In modern times, it’s one of the few thresholds you shouldn’t leap across sexually speaking, even if you’ve got a running head start and it’s the type of behavior that will get your invite to the best parties rescinded. Foot fetishist? Sure friend! Get out from under the table and try the hors d’oeuvres…Underarm hair? As long as you’re not wearing a strapless number, why not? Defecation fetishist? A nod hello and a breath mint will suffice there…
The man and beast nuptials described here (or to put it another way ‘animal lust’) should make these folks consider dropping out of society altogether, ideally to a country with an ample coastline and lax extradition laws, should any of these unions be consummated [Squeamish Editor’s note: ‘friggin’ nasty!’]
So, hot on the hoofs of our Top 10 Exploding Animals, a fate arguably better than some of the scenarios described here, we bring you, (and just be glad there weren’t enough to make a full ’10’), The Top 8 People Who Married Animals.
8. Woman Marries a Snake. This story was translated into a dozen languages and created a shit-storm, especially in the ‘love at first bite’ newspaper editor punning department. According to reports in the original article in Harper’s (which we recommend you track down), “The woman had been haunted by a recurring dream. The snake god came to her in her sleep and warned her: if she failed to marry the snake, there would be more problems for her, and more problems in the village.” It was her spiritual guru who considered this some kind of commandment, and that the village and her family would only be protected if the slithery nuptials took place, rather than the preferable treatment: treating the guru like St Patrick did his snakes.
7. Girl Marries Dog Here is a charming story of Platonic love, not between the ancient philosopher and some poor kid he’s buggered, but between a girl and her pup in a small Indian village. This story has the feel of an urban legend and keeps recurring as some kind of elaborate colonial ruse—which doesn’t in any way mean we won’t repeat it here. [See Reuters for video footage]
6. Woman Marries Dolphin A 41-year old Brit ventured to Israel for a historic first, the terrestrial / marine nuptials of woman and dolphin. “It’s not a bad thing. It just something that we did because I love him, but not in the way that you love a man. It’s just a pure love that I have for this animal,” quoth the bride. Advantage: a hubby who’s willing to jump through hoops for his mate.
5. Man Marries a Horse As we noted in our Shark Book, horses are venerated in mall concourses everywhere, lovingly rendered in black velvet or adorning giant beach towels. The noble horse is part of our common mythology, from ‘White Feller’, Tonto’s steed, to the crazy antics of Mr Ed swiping apples from the neighbor’s yard week after insufferable week. These creatures have become man’s best buddies (at this point we urge our readers to fill in their own glue factory / ‘best buddy’ connotation jokes at their own discretion). The ‘equineophile’ became the subject of a UK documentary. Speaking of offensive, at least to Sarah Jessica Parker, perhaps the offspring would look like this.
4. Girl Marries Dog A girl married a stray to ward off the bad luck that comes with a tooth rooted to her upper gum. Tribal elders ruled that the marriage did not require divorcing the pooch should she choose to wed again but were mum on the subject of cosmetic dentistry.
3. Man Marries Dog to Avoid a Curse A man in India, guilt ridden over his (and at this point animal lovers should place their hands on their ears and join in a chorus of of ‘La, La, La, La, La’) stoning and hanging of two dogs he caught mating in a field, decided to consult, not a psychiatrist, but a psychic. The mystic, in keeping with the advice usually offered by those of his celestial prognosticating ilk, suggested that he was cursed by the spirits of the dogs he had killed the only antidote for which was if he made one of their stink-breathed brethren his betrothed.
2. Girls Marry Frogs According to reports, the ceremony has its roots in the story of the Hindu God Shiva who turned himself into a frog following a quarrel with his wife. Larry King may or may not be a similarly physical manifestation of Shiva (For Chef Emeril’s Sauteed Frog Legs in Tomato Garlic Butter, click here]
A Sudanese man was forced to take a goat as his “wife”, after getting to know it in a sense other than was is depicted here. A council of elders ordered he pay a dowry to the goat’s owner (who presumably wasn’t hell bent on getting it back any time soon)