Top 7 Fighting Techniques

January 3, 2011 | Lists

Fighting is unpleasant but necessary  – a lesson learned quickly in elementary school unless one wants to spend every recess pinned down by a fat kid with a penchant for administering bitch slaps. There’s a time and a place for fighting – time: after you’ve been hit first or offended by someone you could conceivably take, and place: somewhere with a clear path to an exit in case you were wrong when making that initial assessment.

For most adults, fisticuffs are limited to their children’s sporting events and interaction with roofers or parking enforcers. They must then vicariously enjoy watching someone taking a shellacking without the threat of the matter ending in a prison term or anger management classes.

Boxing has been unable to kill the public’s thirst to see men batter one another into oblivion due to its pathetic heavyweight division and rampant corruption. MMA now offers a satisfying alternative to those who previously watched a boxing match and thought, “Yeah, sure, that guy’s brain is about to come loose with the next punch, but no broken ankles or shattered kneecaps? PUSSIES!”

This rebirth of brutality has led any guy who ever took a karate class or watched Mr Miyagi teach Daniel San “Wax on, wax off”, to open a dojo and teach all sorts of different fighting styles derived from the ancient techniques of Brazilian battle monks and the like.

Here we offer 7 fighting techniques/styles — previously unheard of — to stick in your gi!

Nothing like this.

Co-opoeira: Capoeira, as known in its original form, was a warrior’s dance that was done between slaves that escaped their masters outside the cities, ritually performed in a circle. Its derivation, co-opoeira, refers to a technique whereby a group of friends collectively encircle and kick the shit out of an unlucky someone.

When to use it: When your intended victim has royally pissed off more than three people, each of whom is interested in administering a kicking usually reserved for the dusty feet of umpires.  Conversely, this can also be used when a group spots an enemy who could not be nimbly handled by any one member of the group in mano-a-mano combat.

Caution: In cases where a particularly fearsome foe is targeted for this type of attack, be cognizant of the approximate recovery time of your adversary and travel in groups as the end of that period draws near to avoid falling prey to a vengeance quest.

Roman (Polanski) Wrestling: This highly controversial fighting style involves plying a minor full of intoxicants and pinning them down only to flee the country before trial and claim persecution for years afterward.

When to use it: This is a highly risky maneuver, and advisable only if you’ve got the backing of numerous high-powered moral relativists.

Jew-Jitsu: “I can’t fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.” Woody Allen

Self-deprecating humor used to defuse a tense situation.

When to use it: Acceptable any time apart from the high holidays. The effectiveness  of this technique depends on whether the interlocutor believes Mel Gibson is a sympathetic figure.

Advanced belt level Tae-one-on-do combatants spar at impromptu dojo.

Tae-one-on-Do: Drunken monkey, without the monkey. This technique involves a seemingly random thrashing of limbs, which, if it occurred underwater, would constitute drowning.

When to use it: Ideally after seven or eight drinks are consumed in rapid succession in a bar near last call, when another party may or may not have been looking askance in your direction. Also, once the nightclub bouncer has, like recycling, separated you from your plastic and put you out on the curb and you need to accost a random group of strangers.

Bocks-ing: Shaolin monks are known for their exciting, high-flying form of kung-fu and another, more dubious contribution to world culture: Kung Fu, and Kung Fu, The Legend Continues with David Carradine. Their German counterparts, Paulaner monks, are known for developing a considerably less exciting, though more refreshing, bock. These strong malty brews can be tossed in the face of your assailant.

When to use it: Bocks are produced seasonally. Know this going in and adapt styles accordingly. This is a highly effective technique as a beverage poured over the head has the power to confound even the most seasoned opponent. What’s more it will draw the attention of the bouncer who will escort you both outside, where, with any luck, a waiting cab will prevent the kind of beating that requires your face to be reconstructed using a recent photograph.

I Kid Though might not work for everyone.

I Kid Though: Its counterpart was made famous by Steven Seagal before he had to loosen his black-belt and be swathed in a plus-size poncho. I Kid Though involves redirecting the force of an attack rather than opposing it head-on, by grabbing onto the lapels of the assailant and pleading with them that you were merely joking.

When to use it: can be used in conjunction with Jew-Jitsu as a means of non-violent conflict resolution. Its effectiveness is limited though, particularly if the assailant has a black belt in Tae-one-on-Do.

My Tie: Favored stock broker technique, usually a type-A personality where the A can stand for either aggressive or asshole. Involves loosening a tie and rolling up the sleeves of a dress shirt to thrash a lowly subordinate, or imprinting a designer cufflink upon their underachieving mug.

When to use it: Friday nights after a tough 60-hour workweek.

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One Response | | Comments Feed

  1. Hilarious! I’ll be sure to implement one of these on a weekly basis to confirm that they work… but I’m already confident that these are by far the best ways to go about fighting

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