February 1, 2012 | Lists
A Seagal squint is capable of immobilizing an antagonist up to 100 yards away
When Steven Seagal isn’t cast as a former CIA operative – which is infrequently –(in a movie featuring a plucky group of young ballerinas, he’d be cast as a former CIA op choreographer) he has shown incredible range, at least with respect to the air miles he’s logged testing the catering in Romania.
He’s solemnly whispered his way through a select handful of non former CIA operative roles, variously portraying a Mexican drug lord, Italian detective, Cajun mercenary, Alaskan oil rig worker who’s possibly Native American insofar as he looked like he fished Dennis Hopper’s fringed Easy Rider jacket out of the trash and yes, a Russian novelist.
What’s that you say? Seagal is neither the first, tenth, or 10,000th person you’d think of to play Tolstoy in a direct-to-video money laundering vehicle? A Caucasian picked at random off a street corner would be better suited to a Slavic scribe?
Perhaps an author isn’t too far off. While his acting doesn’t veer far from the speaking voice of a deathbed confession, he’s at least proven himself quote worthy: “perfecting a kick he learned 30 years ago in Japan”, taught to UFC champ Anderson Silva who rattled the bells of his opponent and later credited the Aikido great for the bout-winning blow (Admittedly, this failed to impress many YouTube wags – “the only thing Seagal could teach Silva is how to eat a cheeseburger”.)
While Seagal was keeping this technique on the down-low, we thought of other secrets – nay, THE Secret, a comedy favorite of ours that suggests among other bits of nonsense that the power of the mind is so strong that a short person can think themselves tall (perhaps not as tall as an ethnically ambiguous murmurer draped in a poncho, but tall enough to say, rest a margarita on the head of your shortest friend). Here, without further ado, a quiz: Steven Seagal said it, or it was it in The Secret? (Answers Below)
Steven Seagal Quotes VS Secret Quotes
1. “Try to find the path of least resistance and use it without harming others. Live with integrity and morality, not only with people but with all beings.”
2. “You have to find a different approach to what is through a different vantage point”
3. “The Hows are the domain of the universe. It always knows the quickest, fastest, most harmonious way between you and your dream”
4. “Every thought has a frequency. Thoughts send out a magnetic energy.”
5. “Trust your doubt. Always fight for your beliefs. That is the path beyond thought.”
6. “Try to find the path of least resistance and use it without harming others. Live with integrity and morality, not only with people but with all beings.”
7. “You can’t have a universe without the mind entering into it”
8. “I was born clairvoyant, I was born a healer”.
9. “The foundation of all people has to be where they come from ultimately, and ultimately where we come from is the divine”.
10. “Whatever it is you are feeling is a perfect reflection of what is in the process of becoming”
11. “The universe likes SPEED. Don’t delay, don’t second-guess, don’t doubt..”
12. “Two monks were walking across a bridge and the junior said to the teacher, what is the Buddha nature? And the other one picked him up and threw him in the water.”
Answers:
1. Seagal, 2. The Secret, 3. The Secret, 4. The Secret, 5. Seagal, 6. Seagal, 7. The Secret 8. Seagal, 9. Seagal, 10. The Secret, 11. The Secret and 12. Seagal.
The Shark Guys are authors of the book, Tastes Like Human: The Shark Guys’ Book of Bitingly Funny Lists, now available on Kindle
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This is some funny shit. Though I think Segal isn’t such a bad actor (still I agree with the “deathbed” voice thing). I think that he’s a real martial arts master but human nonetheless so, he’s bound to be more or less crazy!! :)))