Top 5 Drunks With Lawnmowers

October 13, 2010 | Lists

In a recent column for the Globe and Mail, author Douglas Coupland listed 45 — mostly nightmare scenario-like  — developments that he predicts will take place over the next decade, such as the death of the middle class and the human desire to be an individual. While most of Coupland’s column should be read with a full measure of something that doesn’t put you on a depression drunk in one hand and a phone with a crisis number’s hotline on speed dial in the other, he does offer one or two bits that we take as positive.

For instance, as the middle class dies, Coupland reckons, the suburbs will as well:

The charred stubs of previous white-collar homes will serve only to make the still-standing structures creepier and more exotic.

You may have yet to see the rainbow here, especially given his insertion of “charred stubs”, which rarely is used for cheering purposes, but there are some benefits that leap to mind: one might need to own a car to buy a lightbulb at a box store that is located far from where human beings have ever settled, and, it would mean the death of lawns, one of the most puzzling developments of the whole suburban phenomenon.

People take pride in their lawns and spend precious hours of this fleeting life maintaining them, purchasing pesticides, pruning them with nose hair clippers… whatever it is they do. And for what? Lawns offer nothing, other than possibly a soft surface should things progress well with a date who doesn’t think the neighbours would be peeping out from their blinds at 3am. A vegetable patch would be more useful, or even a tent with circus freak-like attractions to educate the neighborhood youth, but we waste this space and our time on lawns.

Living in apartments has its annoyances — mainly inconsiderate pricks who should be made to live in caves — but we’ll take it any day over the awful alternative of having to lug a lawnmower out from a garage and push it around a lawn on a hot summer’s day. That’s the kind of task that could drive a man to unsavory ends. Here we offer five examples of how the ubiquity of lawnmowers has driven our society to madness or at least has given already people maddened by drink something motorised to ride  in this our Top 5 Drunken Lawnmower Incidents!

George Jones rides high -- the beerholder is probably what drew the fuzz.

5. One of the offshoots of the negative lawnmower phenomenon is the rise in lawnmowers that are themselves conveyances. While trying to ride more dated models of standard lawnmowers could result in serious injury, these riding mowers often double as a means of transport for some of citizens who are banned from cars and can’t master bus routes.

Such was the with a Kenwood, California man who was busted for driving his mower to a market. The man was reportedly riding on the mower — much in the manner of George Jones in the accompanying photo — when police pulled him over. He was staggering, slurring his speech, and drinking out of a brown paper bag when they did and he was booked for probably the lowliest of all DUI types next to zamboni malfeasance.

4. A New Zealander who had his licence suspended sought to confound the law that sought to keep him immobile by using his riding lawn mower to get around. Licences are usually suspended either because the person involved is a geezer who has taken to running over shoppers in parking lots or due to drink. You can guess what the case was here.

When authorities finally caught up with this blade runner, he protested his arrest, arguing that he hardly posed as a danger as he was only going 5 miles an hour, which is slightly faster than remaining still and jerking one’s body forward every 30 seconds. He argued that he was outpaced by everyone else on the road, even cyclists —  “I’ve watched them go past me,” he said — but alas he was held to the same universal standard which says that anyone caught riding a lawnmower while drunk will be charged and ridiculed worldwide on the internet, proving that rednecks are laughingstocks worldwide.

3. We would be remiss if we didn’t include as part of our anti-lawn and lawnmower rant a mention of the needless assault on Saturday morning silence that is committed on a regular basis by people who mow their lawns. A Croatian man who decided to play tennis after having taken advantage of the popular country club past-time of aggressive, socially accepted midday drinking was being thrown off his game by the sound of a groundskeeper revving his lawnmower. The tennis player approached the guy, who was only doing his job — unlike the Saturday morning pricks — and demanded he stop. When he refused, the tennis player hit the groundskeeper, who was in his 50s, knocking him to the ground and slightly injuring the man. A prick move, bashing some poor guy trying to make a buck — this man needs to play more often in the suburbs.

2. One level of uncivilized below taking one’s own lawnmower out for a drunken joyride on city roads is stealing a  lawnmower and doing the same… before crashing into a school bus full of kids, as a 29-year-old Marion County, Florida man did. The man  got drunk, stole the lawnmower, and hadn’t mastered the controls by the time he came up behind the parked school bus.

He fell off the mower upon impact, much to the howling delight of the children on board who mocked him and laughed at this life lesson in the importance of not eating the paste in art class. The man was arrested after trying to pry the doors on the school bus open to get at the taunting kiddies.

1. When your lawnmower is a piece of junk that you bought only to avoid annoying fines from city hall and takes numerous pulls and expletives to get started, you might be tempted to do the thing grievous harm and have visions of flinging it into a canyon. A Milwaukee man who had spent the morning drinking, decided in the early afternoon to mow his lawn, couldn’t get it started, and decided to express his anger at this kink in his master plan for the day by blasting it with a sawed-off shotgun. A rat fink neighbor phoned police and he was arrested, charged with drunken disorderly conduct and also for having the shotgun in the first place (the ‘sawed-off’ part makes it illegal).

The weapons charge is likely the one that sees him facing an incredible potential six-year prison term, however the defendant in this case offered a defense that we’d accept if we somehow were unable to dodge jury duty and found ourselves listening to this case. “It’s my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want.” And damn it, he’s right! It’s not like the shotgun blast ricocheted and felled some neighbor out trimming the hedge. The only victim here was a crap lawnmower that had it coming anyway. And if a man can’t get drunk and disorderly in his own home, then where exactly can he?

Lawnmower factoids: Here are three more less high-profile jacked up lawn jockeys.

Memphis-based Tiger Time Lawn care has been doing booming business with their low-cut bikini clad maintenance service since its inception last year.

For a ’slightly higher fee than a normal grass cut’ the company will send over a woman hopefully not unlike those pictured in their promotional material so you can enjoy a beverage in the comfort of your lawn-chair, and not risk becoming another tragic, one man statistic.

A bachelor would not be seen pushing a lawnmower unless he was setting up a prank. For more on the lives of unfettered fellas, check out The Bachelor Guy!

A terrible miniseries was made from a book that might have been even worse by Stephen King, about a tele and pyrokinetically powered lawnmower employed to gory ends — the Lawnmower Man (Mowers  didn’t make our list the Top 10 of our Unique Horror Movie Killing Implements—you’ll see why).

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  1. [...] Top 5 Drunks with Lawnmowers.  [The Shark Guys] [...]

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