Top 3 Drunk People of the Week: From the Police Blotto

August 29, 2012 | Lists

18 hours in a row?

In our book, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Debauchery we highlighted people who’d slur their way through an acceptance speech at a piss-tank symposium, that who you wouldn’t want to have pull up next door in a moving van.

In the chapter “Distinction Under the Influence”, we assembled what we thought at the time were the top Blue-ribbon drunk people we’d ever come across in our extensive research – someone who became intimately acquainted with a mousetrap on a dare to another who bested one “Johnny Walker” in a drinking contest by guzzling a quart (roughly a liter) of vodka but couldn’t claim his prize from either the hospital or later, the morgue.

The following are cases we’ve highlighted from the police blotter in this, a regular feature on the site, our Top Drunk People of the week:

1. Breathalyzer urinator.

A New Zealand resident was nabbed for DUI and didn’t prepare himself by scribbling down the number of one of those ambulance-tailgating late night infomercial attorneys but tried to beat blowing over by whizzing on the breathalyzer.

When the suspect was captured, he was unable to walk or answer questions, which is too bad. As WC Fields put it, “it ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to” and this drunk will have to face the courts over a blood alcohol count 3X the limit.

2. Drunk with monkeys.

A drunk college lab worker was found partly nude in Augusta, Georgia and charged with public drunkenness, after two monkeys had been left out of their cage. No further details have emerged thus far, which is probably for the best.

3. Novel DUI escape.

A woman passenger stopped at a Lehigh Valley, PA DUI checkpoint, decided to bolt and drive away in another vehicle after being stopped, drunk as a lord in Bethlehem with a male driver. The two are facing DUI charges.