Top 20 Reasons Why Sharks Are Better Than Cats

September 23, 2009 | Lists

lolcat_maneatingshark1. There is no LOL Sharks meme.

2. Cats, the musical.

3. If you throw a cat in the ocean, which we do not explicitly advocate, a shark will eat it (if it is around and notices).

4. Every Bond villain worth his salt has a shark-filled aquarium (sure they have a cat too but it doesn’t intimidate anyone).

5. People sometimes back over cats in their cars while in a rush to get to work. The world’s largest fish is the whale shark and you couldn’t back over it unless you had a decent-sized yacht.

6. Early explorers braved falling off the edge of the world, malaria, and the unholy trifecta of rum, sodomy and the lash, but were deathly afraid of sharks.

7. Cats are creepy. People who claim cats aren’t creepy are creepy.

8. No cat movie has inspired a line as memorable as ‘We’re gonna need a bigger boat’.

9. The guy with an eye patch hustling you out of last week’s paycheck is a ‘pool shark‘, for which there is no feline equivalent. If you’re in tough financial straits, you visit a ‘loan shark’ so you don’t have to eat cat food.

10. A cat couldn’t eat Samuel L. Jackson (unless it was his pet and he was left dead in a locked apartment for some time… which is highly unlikely given that he’s a celebrity. We digress…).

11. Sharks taste good in a soup or sandwich; cats require too much sauce.

12. A cat will annoy you by clawing up furniture. A shark will spare you years of such petty annoyances with a fatal mauling.

13. Most sharks can live 30 years or more. Nobody has a 30-year old cat that hasn’t been taxidermied or the subject of some kind of lab mutation.

14. No tabby has ever sent a beach full of bikini-clad beauties sprinting for the shore.

15. The worst a cat could have done to Ahab is give him fleas.

16. Jobshark is a website for people with career ambition, so named because sharks move constantly. Cats sit by the windowsill for 7 hours at a time.

17. Without the phrase “jumped the shark“, it would be difficult to explain this season of Entourage.

18. Dolphins are thought to be the most intelligent creatures of the deep, but sharks eat dolphins. Who’s the genius now lunch boy?

19. No one has ever purchased a baby shark because it was so adorable in the pet store only to regret the decision later on in life when it became a hissing fatbody whose constant shedding ruins your dark clothes.

20. Even if we had a tale about some drunk offing Cuddles, the Cat Fanciers’ magazine centerfold, we would not have included it in the title of our book, “The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery”

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Comments

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  1. sorry, but number 11 is fail, shark tastes horrible.. have you ever tried it? it’s digusting..

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  2. While I was reading this one of my cats hoarked up two hairballs. I am reasonably sure that sharks do no this, unless they’ve recently eaten a surfer with dreads.

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  3. Just so you know Ahab (#15) was hunting a great white WHALE not shark.

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  4. Actually, I have eaten shark and it made my list of top meals. I would wager you got someone who was clueless in how to prepare shark.

    Just not sure what Ahab has to do with sharks, except that he was on the sea, since he was after a whale…

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  5. 18 is kinda dumb too. While some larger shark species eat young dolphins, a dolphin of equal size can easily fend off a shark and several adult dolphins can kill it.

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  6. Editors’ note:

    We are fully aware of the connection between Ahab and his whale. We thought we’d extrapolate to a shark, given the paucity of references to fishermen in pop culture other than Robert Shaw in Jaws. We apologize to Moby Dick purists who couldn’t cross the mammalian/fish divide along with us.

    As far as eating dolphins (18), many sharks aren’t large enough to consume dolphins but lucky for us (if not for the dolphins,) there are several species large enough to chow down on them. For those who are interested: Great White, Tiger, Bull and Mako Sharks are among the ocean’s least discriminating eaters and will and do munch on dolphins. They eat other sharks too.

    Speaking of eating shark, no, we’ve never had shark soup (though one of us, in a moment he regretted, wolfed down a shark sandwich). Our dietary habits should not in any way negate the joke we made above. We apologize for any misunderstanding.

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  7. Who ever wrote this list is an idiot.

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  8. Agreed. Idiots.

    Nearly of these can be voided if you include big cats, which you absolutely should if you’re including all shark species. I mean there are tiny sharks, like the size of housecats, or even smaller. (http://www.fishbase.org.cn/Photos/PicturesSummary.php?ID=680&what=species) Not to mention that all sharks are easy to run over with some sort of aquatic vehicle, say… a boat?

    Additionally, while shark is tasty, as I’m sure cat is, people don’t really hunt cats, cause they’re just too bad ass.

    That said, I like how defensive people get over stuff like this. It’s obviously a joke. Cats are way better than sharks. :)

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  9. Thanks for the laughs.

    By the way, white sharks are not among the ocean’s least discriminating eaters. While tiger sharks have a bit of reputation for eating a wide variety of things (including trash, reportedly), great whites tend to be fairly finicky eaters.

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  10. I once owned a housecat that would kill and eat anything that stood still long enough. But she was an exception. Her name was Lucy MacEvil. Her choice, not mine.

    Literary references to sharks are few, but at least one classic is from Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea, where the sharks eat the marlin the old guy caught. Also, in Jack London’s Sea Wolf, a shark bites of Cookie’s foot.

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  11. sorry gunnar: a number of breeds of shark are very tasty. here in florida we eat em all the time. they are good in tacos or blackened or just shark steaks if you have a good marinade. they go well wih most any wine, white or red.

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  12. ummm cats can live to be 30 on rare occasions, ive known of 6 instances in a town of 400 people

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  13. You are not idiots. A shark does not wake you up at 5 in the morning with incessant whines until you open a can of stink-food. Your list is relevant.

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  14. “Gunnar Says:
    September 23rd, 2009 at 10:48 am
    sorry, but number 11 is fail, shark tastes horrible.. have you ever tried it? it’s digusting..”

    I’ve had thresher shark at a restuarant. It was awesome. I don’t understand why Gunnar thought it was disgusting. Shark is the closest sea food in taste to steak. He must hate steak also.

    I could eat shark everyday and feed the scraps to my cats.

    Also, I scuba dive. I’ve never had to keep an eye out for cats. I’m just sayin’

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  15. Another reason: People rarely force you to look at their photos that feature sharks, and if they do, the photos are likely to at least be interesting.

    Reply

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