Top 10 Weirdest Beers
April 8, 2009 | Lists
Previously we covered booze-flavored toothpaste, just the thing for those looking to spruce up in the morning after by brushing their teeth with something that will give them an instant and sickening reminder of the night prior.
These days, there is a trend towards making alcohol-related products taste like something else – hence the rise of alcopops and various other beverages that are commonly ordered by girl drink drunks [see excellent Kids in the Hall sketch of the same name]
The weirdest alcoholic beverages we’ve ever consumed—whiskey distilled with a snake in it (Laos), hot pepper paprika pálinka (Hungarian brandy derived from the Slav, ‘to burn’), pumpkin ale and that shitty fake absinthe sold all over the Czech Republic that looks like what an army barber would use to clean razors—look positively benign in comparison to these brews.
Beer manufacturers are adding ingredients to their brews to excite the Budweiser-deadened taste buds of your average guzzler, and, in some cases, to test their gag reflexes as well. Here then, is a run-down of the Top 10 Weirdest Beers we can find.
1. Pizza-flavored beer seems like the type of unorthodox brew that would do the latter, as, up until this point, the only pizza-flavored beer familiar to the recreational boozer has been the end of the night palette clearing, known in some circles as “bending and sending” (which results in “pavement pizza”).
However, according to this review from the Fairfield County Weekly, Tom Seefurth’s Mamma Mia Pizza Beer is actually quite quaffable, if not actually the most authentic-tasting beer. While the brewers do include oregano, basil, tomato and garlic in the mix, it isn’t exactly a slice of pie crammed into a beer bottle. According to the reviewer, “…it resembled the taste of pizza-flavored Combos or Pringles… rather artificial, kind of like the Baco-Bits of the alcohol world.” The reviewer, a Shark Guy in spirit, scoffed at the pizza beer’s low alcohol content (4.5 percent) and said that he’d “just as soon knock back a beer-flavored beer.”
[Editor’s note: We should mention that we take no responsibility for sickened stomachs. Also, this next one is not meant for humans, but like those sad stories of senior citizens on fixed budgets being left to dine on the Alpo, there is nothing to stop you from trying it out for yourself].
2. Steak-flavored beer for dogs: Who among us hasn’t emptied out the odd pint into Rover’s bowl just to see what would happen when he got a little tipsy? One of our favorite tales in the animals section of our book, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery, concerned a footman to the Queen of England who was fired for putting whiskey in the water bowls of the royal corgis [Word had it the pooches liked it ‘neat’ and have since straightened out]
The beer we’re talking about here though, the Dutch Kwispelbier – “tail-wagging beer” is non-alcoholic, and tastes like beef. The beer has recently gone on sale in the UK. According to the distributors of the canine brew, while little Fido may not end up as hammered as his owners, he’ll at least be drinking in solidarity with them: “It means pets are even more a part of family life as they can enjoy a beer, too.”
3. Banana Beer. A garden hose and a g-string away from being a Budweiser marketing executive’s wet dream, unfortunately this brew is going to have to stay in the realm of the subconscious for now as these suds are predominantly brewed in Kenya. According to Howtopedia, which is like Wikipedia without the citations (perhaps not the best source for launching a home bootlegging business), banana beer is made using the fermented juices of sorghum and, if you haven’t guessed it by now, bananas. “Come, Mr. Tally Man, tally me banana / Daylight come and me wanna go home” (where I won’t be sipping on this)
4. Beer and Milk Makes Bilk: According to the good folks over at PETA, beer is actually better for you (not to mention poor ole’ Bessie the cow) than milk. “Beer in moderation is good for you, while even one glass of milk supports animal abuse and harms your health,” says a PETA spokesperson. But for those of us not quite ready to throw dairy out the door and embrace the joys of soy, the good news is that the salutary effects of both milk and beer can be found in one ingeniously named Japanese product: Bilk. The brewer, dealing with an oversupply of milk due to lower consumption in Japan, decided to use surplus to create a beer that is 30% milk. According to Reuters, “apart from a slight milky scent looks and tastes like ordinary beer”. Currently, Bilk is available only in the region where it’s produced, Hokkaido, and by mail order. The manufacturer said that further distribution would depend on how the initial beer fared in local markets, and we’re guessing the lack of reports following on from its introduction last year tell us pretty much all we need to know about how that went.
5. Tomato Beer / Kidsbeer. First, this perennial, grown in your front and backyard if you’re Italian [would make a great addition to those, You Know You’re Italian If lists, right alongside your nono’s fig tree]. Marginally more masculine than a Bloody Mary or a Caesar (though it still won’t grace any Superbowl tailgates any time soon) it’s red enough so that if it comes up after a night on the town you’ll seek admittance to the nearest ER.
According to sources, “the beer seems to act as an antioxidant and has plenty of vitamin E, more than 1000 times that of regular beer”, which might be “zero”, it didn’t say.
The tomato is actually South American in origin, specifically Peru. It is theorized that Cortez brought it back from the New World along with syphilis and it’s safe to say Europe has not been the same since.
Neither has Asia. It’s actually the Japanese who are responsible for this Sunday Gravy brew, unsurprisingly, given their penchant for squid ice cream and Pepsi Ice Cucumber drink, not to mention a non-alcoholic beer marketed at children, Kidsbeer!.
According to the New York Times, the potable, “which comes in a brown bottle and is advertised with the slogan “Even kids cannot stand life unless they have a drink,” (Editor’s note: probably not the best slogan to use in a country with one of the world’s highest suicide rates) is lager-colored and foams like beer, but tastes like cola.”
6. Champagne Beer: Champagne tastes? Beer budget? Willing to drink anything we suggest? Well boy do we have the beer for you. The Krait Prestige Champagne Lager, the US name for the UK Cobra Beer, claims to be the world’s first champagne lager and the only lager to be re-fermented in the bottle, a process usually reserved for Trappist ales (drinking Trappist ales, incidentally, is probably the only good thing about being a Trappist monk). The bottle is made to look like a champagne bottle, and offers a combination of the two products inside (throwing into complete chaos standard rules such as “beer after wine, you’ll do just fine”). Whether such a mix would appeal to you depends on whether you enjoy champagne. If you are of a mind with the journalist Christopher Hitchens who once said, “The four most over-rated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics” then this may not be the product for you.
7. Chocolate Donut Beer: Brewed by Shenandoah Brewery in Alexandria Virginia, which, we shit thou not, offers a major discount for law-enforcement officials (the discount doesn’t specifically apply to the donut beer, but still…) comes the Chocolate Donut Beer. This begging-for-a-Homer-Simpson-reference beer is in league with pizza beer in terms of giving you something to drink to remind you of the unhealthy things that you like to eat. The beer overwhelmingly positive feedback on Beer Advocate, including an A+ rating from a guy who said it smelled “Like you just opened a pack of those cheap waxy corner store chocolate gem donuts”.
- “Starts out spicy, mellows with a very faint hint of toasty malt before developing much more heat and finishing with an intense, peppery bite”,
- “Way too much black pepper”
- “Roasted malt, roasted spicy pepper, very small amount of caramel sweetness”
and the always unappetizing…
- “Kind of feels like its leaving a coating on my mouth”
9. Japanese Yellow Protein Beer. The less said about this the better. We’ll leave it to one reviewer, who opined: “Feels like I’ve just woken up and need to brush my teeth”. Don’t forget to floss…and finally…
10. Creme Brulee Beer. To close, as a way to cleanse the palette in dessert fashion, Crème brûlée Beer. Because when you think vanilla custard, cream and caramel…Do not light with a blowtorch, not because you could blow yourself to smithereens (we frankly don’t care), but because you need at least 100 proof to be flammable.