May 5, 2011 | Lists
When the Americans tipped Osama Bin Laden off the back of a war boat and into the North Arabian Sea, the creatures of the deep that had just received an unexpected – though likely quite stringy – repast were not the only ones pleased by the development. Those who concluded that he was behind the 9-11 attacks also felt satisfied that some cowboy justice had been meted out for that ghastly crime… And better late than never (Osama was in that house long enough that he must have had to turn away at least a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses or get the gas bill on a fixed rate).For conspiracy theorists, however, it was a non-event. Not only was the killing itself an elaborate PR stunt concocted by a government eager to be known worldwide for gunning down an unarmed man, but the bearded Saudi who they said took one in the eye had nothing to do with 9-11. As dozens of commenters have made clear on our list of Top 10 9-11 Celebrity Truthers, the government line on 9-11 was mere subterfuge to give the industrial-military complex an excuse to clear out some of that excess war weapon stock in the mountains of Afghanistan. Many truthers point to George W Bush as having had knowledge of or even being complicit in this grandiose and brilliant scheme. That these same people also consider him the intellectual inferior of most animals getting work in Hollywood these days seems to be lost on the 9-11 Truther movement.
But these are merely some of the more recent manifestations of an impulse that really took off in Nov, 1963. Indeed, Oliver Stone’s JFK set the kook gold standard for conspiracy theories, implicating the military industrial complex, the mafia, FBI, CIA, Lyndon Johnson, the rest of the government, the Cubans, a gay Tommy Lee Jones, the guy you got a quote from on that backyard deck that has been half-finished since last summer, and the school’s special resources teacher in the assassination of the 35th president.There has never been a better time to be a conspiracy theorist, as social media means that opinions that would normally be inflicted upon only a barfly willing to listen to a nut to score free drinks are now broadcast to a far wider audience. There is no idea too ridiculous to be summarily dismissed on a conspiracy site forum. To wit, one of the most prominent of these is founded by a guy who reckons “families in positions of great financial power obsessively interbreed with each other… creating a fusion of human and reptilian genes”.
The problem with most of these theories is that they are too convoluted and involved for the casual reader. Still there are ways you can chime in on conspiracy discussions without feeling left out or having to familiarize yourself with the tedium of lunacy (i.e. female iguana spotting – Hilary Clinton: question mark; Nancy Pelosi: a certainty).
1) Deride and dismiss out of hand any journalism used to back up arguments.
Anyone who puts forward an argument citing such sources as the New York Times is a confederate stooge, bamboozled by the mainstream media.
Remember: You have the information, even though it may have come to you at 3am while going three links beyond what caution would have told you to avoid on more sleep. Nonetheless, it is what sets you apart from those being told lies by well paid journalists who for some reason want to crap on the opportunity to win awards and esteem by breaking a story that nobody else has – i.e. your conspiracy theory if it wasn’t ludicrous.
Extremists, all well-educated, go to flight school and ram planes into buildings.
Your life experience may tell you that the government is peopled by petty, grifting nebbishes who are so narrowly focused on self-enrichment and ego masturbation that even their successful planning of a traffic light is an unexpected happening.
Reasonable Statement: Muslim extremists, who were calling for attacks on the west, who’ve orchestrated them before, claim responsibility for them later, rejoice in them, promise more to come, who are arrested for such crimes and confess to them and are jailed for them, and who frequently leave bits of themselves behind, are likely behind the 9.11 Attacks as well.
- Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura, trades wits with noted heel Star Jones
Because the government was worried that planes (or missiles) smacking into buildings wasn’t enough of a show-stopper, they rigged a building to explode.
5) Memorise the phrase: That is what they want you to believe!
IF no Jewish name can be associated with a particular story, not a problem! They CHANGED their names to avoid detection.
6) Never accept the validity of any image/video.“Clearly Photoshopped” is a phrase often uttered by those who were stymied by their first encounter with Microsoft Paint but who nonetheless have the eagle eye of an Adobe programmer when it comes to finding evidence of the company’s products at work. Likewise, the nefarious forces have made great strides since the days of filming the Moon landing on a Hollywood back lot, and even the most compelling video evidence is merely a testament to the skills of the craftsmen.
Like “That is what they want you to believe”, but with the added personal edge, this effective ad hominem attack will leave the person questioning you choking on his or her rational arguments.
As we all know, most events that have ever taken place in the history of mankind, have been entirely resolved with every question answered. Still, there are some things, much like the sheer volume of Oscars doled out to Titanic, that leave so many unanswered questions.
9-11 produced its share of armchair metallurgical experts, people like Rosie O’Donnell who claimed that it “was the first time fire had ever melted steel”. Likewise, those who claim the moon landing was a hoax point to the waving flag in the video. There are no breezes on the Moon, but some evenings on Hollywood back lots it gets so breezy you might even need a light jacket.
- We blame the New World Order (NWO)
**Facts aren’t the issue — irrationality is
If you claim that facts don’t matter, do one of the following. Have…
1. friends photograph your jumping from Half Dome without a parachute or
2. the highway patrol follow you at 90 mph, crossing the median, and hitting a semi head-on or
3. your state issue you your own ordinary valid birth certificate, with seal, and apply for a passport.
In case 1 — the fact is you’ll not live to tell about it. In case 2 the fact is that you’ll not live to tell about it.
In case 3, eventually Uncle Sam with send you an official passport, assuming you paid the fee, properly filled out the form, sent form to the right address, and used a valid certificate of birth.
But, let’s say that I don’t like you for some reason (race, religion, sexual orientation, gender…) — can I use tactics to undermine your request for a passport? Sure, I can anonymously contact the Passport Agency or the FBI and arouse suspicion that you lied on your application or that your certificate of birth is fraudulent.
Be glad you are probably a small fish — there’s nothing to be gained from screwing you and the attendant risk is too high. With Obama, if enough racists and right-wing-xian fanatics raise enough stink the press will eventually smell it.
• Of course there are facts. And methods for ascertaining them.
*No matter of fact is ever certain* — in the sense that no statement about reality is necessarily true, or logically true, or mathematically true, or statistically certain (a contradiction in terms)!
While the fact in cases 1 and 2 is that you’ll die with a high degree of probability attached to that event, it’s just possible but very, very improbable that you’ll live. That’s the way things are in the world — no empirical statement (a statement about nature, or evidence in a trial …) is certain.
• In fact, conspiracy “theories” turn on a rabidly tenacious strategy — that what people want to disregard, they will. There is always an opening somewhere — and the fact that the US government routinely lies to the people and religious institutions always lie in matters of “faith” — leaves plenty of room for deniers of all kinds.
“There are altogether no supernatural phenomena, only supernatural interpretations of phenomena” — and that’s a fact that billions of people would deny. But, *the truth of a “factual claim” doesn’t reduce to belief, no matter how many people agree or disagree with a “factual claim”.*
A belief that some statement is true requires no evidence at all to be asserted. Determining “which claims are true” requires an entire set of procedures and methods to verify or falsify any claim.
It’s much easier to believe than to know — since the nature of all ideology (including all religious ideology) is to provide an illegitimate path to “knowledge” — conspiracy fanatics (for example, xians’ insistence that Easter marks a historical event) have an easy time of it.
• no theory is logically immune from rational criticism
.
One pays dearly when immunizing a belief from against all criticism. It cuts off rational communication. The immunizer gives up the right to be classed as a “reasonable person” — in the common sense meaning used by courts of law.
It is not rational to respond to critics by saying that only those who are with me can understand what I have to say. There must be some starting point in a discourse common to believer and to critic. Otherwise, there’s nothing that can be talked about.
Ultimately, conspiracy theories (including xianity) cannot be refuted. They can only be dismantled.
the anti_supernaturalist
Does quoting from the Bible or Nostradomus help with my attempt to become a conspiracy theorist?
I won’t even lie, my favorite people to talk to in bar are Kennedy conspiracy theorists. They can talk for HOURS. My newest favorite conspiracy is Michael Jackson faking his own death. I watched a docufilm with shitty production values and dubious claims on Netflix and then I went to read everything I could about the claims being asserted by this particularly theory’s spokesperson. Its circular in all the ways you’ve written up here.
Lotta lotta typos in that post. oops! The government is altering my comments, man!
What a shit article!!!! i want my 3minutes back you fuck!
People in power NEVER try to work together. Conspiracy theories are ALWAYS wrong and should be lumped in with tin foil hats. The government NEVER lies, so just trust what they say.
Give me a break