Top 6 Reasons to Stay Single

February 13, 2013 | Lists

hopper nighthawks lone manValentine’s Day is once again upon us – the day couples around the world celebrate the massacre of seven unholy men in a Chicago garage. It’s also the day when single people start to miss not having more human contact than what can be legally experienced on crowded elevators and public transportation systems. Few restaurant and spa packages at this time of year specifically target one lonely guy with a stained shirt and multiple neuroses precluding sustained offline interaction.

We are far from cynical when it comes to romance and relationships. After all, some of the great pompadours have been grown and some of the finest smoking jackets worn in the interests of wooing women. Relationships too have their pluses –  once you look beyond the horrors of monogamy and the mental image of one’s significant other dancing a jig cashing in an insurance payout while they’re using tweezers to pull out your hard to get bits from the grill of a Mack truck. Statistically you live longer if you’re in a loving, committed relationship (unnatural bonds born in barnyards do not count)  and swinger resorts are surprisingly strict when it comes to letting in singles. Plus, it’s comforting to know that at least there will be a familiar face in the window when you drive slowly past what was once your home after a divorce.

The case for singlehood, on the other hand, is not made often enough. Prominent “confirmedhappy bachelor bachelors” are few – Bill Maher and George Clooney are among the minority who are single and unapologetically opposed to marriage, though not because they would be legally unable to wed in socially unprogressive states. However, married couples are no longer in the majority. And even factoring in unmarried couples, polygamists and those who have given themselves to a higher power – like a really wealthy polygamist – that means there are many singles out there ignored today. Here, like a bartender who tells comforting mistruths for tips, we offer solace to singles out there, the men in particular since the women don’t return our calls any more, with these Our Top 6 Reasons to Stay Single!

1. No Smartphone Hassles: Relationships are hell for smartphone users as they inevitably are obliged to add a photo of one’s sweetheart his/her phonebook entry, and in some extreme but sadly not uncommon cases, a distinctive ring tone. While this may sound charming, your friends and coworkers will soon sicken of hearing Ride of the Valkyries every time your significant other wants to nag or do an infidelity spot check.

2. Freed from Facebook Updates: In a similar vein, all of your friends who actually pay attention will be spared learning of the troubled waters through which you are sailing via the relationship status update. When married people suddenly go “single” (one of the better Facebook pranks you can play on your attached friends, by the way), all manner of speculation and “Yes! Now it’s my turn!” reverie ensues. This is bad form. One would be better off communicating one’s relationship status via revealing dress in Facebook photos and/or entirely solipsistic postings that show zero evidence of contact with other humans.

3. Charlie_and_the_Chocolate_Factory crowded bedWide Open Bed: The smaller your sleeping surface the more important this becomes, although only to a point – if you’re sleeping on a couch and have someone on the floor holding your hand, marry that individual or report him/her to the home’s owners immediately. As far as actual sleeping goes, unaccompanied slumber has much to be said for it – being able to do horizontal jumping jacks or pit fight in one’s dreams without fear of injuring another, for example.

4. Ring Finger Free for Bling: Now when you tell someone, “Do you see a ring on this finger?” and they say, “Yes, several,” you can reply, “And not a single one represents the unholy tether of marriage.”

couples only5. No Invites to “Couples Only” Anything: The older you get as a single person, the more socially ostracized you become. As people pair off, they hang out with other couples who have shared experiences and the names of handymen who won’t end up on the opposing side in small claims court. Singles are only invited in pairs in the hopes that they too will give in to desperation and crippling social pressure and make a “better late than never” love match. At some point even those invites stop coming. But is that such a bad thing? An unencumbered single person could fly somewhere tropical and be haggling down a shoeless beach vendor tomorrow. Would that not be preferable to being stuck across the table from your friend’s spouse who wants to know your feelings of septic technology in out of the way places?

6. Single People Die Sooner: An unscientific survey of everything we can see with our eyes tells us that the last few years of a person’s life are usually the worst, barring some really horrible stuff having preceded it. It’s more difficult to get around, mouthy young people respond mockingly to threats and by the time you remember you poured yourself some tea, it’s already lukewarm and who the hell wants to drink that? Imagine that times two and you have your golden years spent in a relationship.

The Shark Guys are the authors of Tastes Like Human: The Shark Guys’ Book of Bitingly Funny Lists

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  1. Nicely argued. However I’ve been with my wife for 26 years. We’ve survived because we don’t read each other’s Facebook page, we never go to Couples Only stuff I(it’s not British!) and we don’t do Valentine’s Day.

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