November 15, 2010 | Lists
Common courtesy dictates that when you find something misplaced by another individual – whether it be cash, mobile phones, beasts of burden or what have you – that you do your best to return the item to its owner. You get to feel like a civic hero and hopefully the owner does the right thing and awards you for your noble intentions with cash, or possibly the phone number of a friendly cop who’ll fix a parking ticket with one quick call.
We reject that convention. We are not advocating theft, and if what you found has a pulse, it should be returned, but if fortune smiles upon you and gives a wink and a subtle nod in the direction, of, say, a diamond necklace that fell off the neck of some negligent debutante… Well, we say check for surveillance cameras, scoop, and vamoose.
Now, we’ve been taken to task for criticizing such sacred institutions as the United States Postal Service, and high school gym teachers (same blog) and some might take umbrage with our stance on this matter. Keeping found items is in the best interest of someone who actually benefits from looking at the ground intently while walking rather than running into a post. It also benefits wider society and could possibly result in the creation of a utopia. Here are 10 reasons why:
1. Other people’s money can bring happiness.
The common wisdom is that other people’s money cannot bring you happiness and that satisfaction can only be attained through the fruits of one’s own labor (as in the spiritual and economic benefits of work, not whatever you can smuggle out as a fruit-picker). That is utter bosh. When money or a big-ticket item enters your life without you having had to murder your leisure hours to attain it, the pleasure it brings is just right off the charts. That’s why lotteries are so popular.
2. It can teach people a lesson.
Sure, nobody likes to wake up, hungover and minus a wallet, mobile phone, keys or whatever else can fall out of your pocket while you’re horizontal in a taxi’s backseat and praying that the movement of the windshield wipers doesn’t cause you to projectile vomit onto the front seat. But there are lessons to be learned from pain. One lesson is to take better care of your belongings, or just buy a mobile phone so cheap you won’t miss it next time and keep your credit cards and cash in your socks. How better to teach someone a valuable life lesson than to do it in a way that enriches you significantly?
3. The found item/cash could be the proceeds from drug sales.
If you find a large amount of cash in a public place, it almost certainly was being used in some sort of illegal transaction, likely the trafficking of narcotics. Some drugs are smuggled into the country via the orifices of unfortunate people. Do you want that on your conscience? Keep the money and buy your own drugs from reputable suppliers.
4. Strike a blow against materialism by holding on to other people’s stuff.
It is unhealthy to develop too strong an attachment to inanimate objects, and our society is rife with materialism. Teach the person who lost the item you found a painful but valuable lesson about the fleeting nature of life and worldly possessions by holding on to the gem encrusted heirloom cufflinks you found outside your city’s top restaurant.
5. You risk not getting a reward.
It’s an alarming but true fact of returning lost items: Unless clearly specified in an advertisement, the chances are less than half that you will be financially compensated for your efforts. Of course, you will feel obliged by society’s conventions to return the item and hope that the standard three-step reward process follows: 1) Shrug off thanks; 2) Politely decline the offer of a reward once, and only once; 3) Say, “Now, are you sure?” before accepting the reward, which you new from jump you wanted. But if this doesn’t occur the bitterness is unspeakable. Spare yourself the risk of experiencing it by never returning anything.
6. To avoid scammers.
Undoubtedly, someone will make a false claim for a missing valuable. From a moral perspective, what is preferable, rewarding your perspicacity – finding that Rolex sitting under the buffet table or potentially handing over the found object to some lost & found Johnny-come-lately fraudster?
7. The person who lost the item could be a real prick.
Let’s face it, the person is already down as irresponsible. How far does that carry over into the rest of that person’s life? Does he also neglect things like turning off the oven before going to work? Do you really want to help support someone who causes house fires or is responsible for industrial accidents?
8. By returning the money you are implicitly encouraging others to repeat this sort of behavior.
When people know they can be reckless with their money and personal belongings, and that some Johnny Do-gooder will chase them down to return anything they lose, they are sure to abuse this knowledge. People will be throwing wallets out of windows and throwing satchels of cash on to gondolas. It’s bound to become a public nuisance. Thanks, on behalf of the union.
9.Who knows if the other guy would do the same in your place?
Picture this: One of the Shark Guys takes part in, say, an international rowing regatta. The Shark Guy of course wins, and then heads off celebrate by throwing clods of dirt from a pier with patients from the nearby mental hospital. The next person in the boat finds the wallet, tracks down The Shark Guy, doesn’t even get, “Don’t spit in the wind” as a tip, and goes home in anger to Google the name and find this blog.
10. Found valuables can make excellent gifts.
This is especially true if they fail to light up the eyes of whoever’s behind the pawnshop counter. Important dates have a tendency to creep up out of nowhere, especially when they’re not written down (and, if you had full autonomy over your social calendar and discretionary spending would be excised altogether). These include boss’ birthdays, the head of the local BIA who’s sworn an oath of Omertà and more sinisterly, mothers-in-law.
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also the next time you lose something yourself you won’t expect to get it back cause you simply don’t deserve it in which case you’ll be very happily surprised and feel favored by the universe if you do.
In the UK, if you keep something you know not to be yours then that is a crime. Besides, what if that lost wallet in the taxi is not the result of a drunken misplacement, but the result of a father rushing to meet his children, carrying his briefcase and toys for the little ones and losing his wallet while carrying too much and trying to pay the driver? What you’re suggesting is that if theft can benefit you then you should do it. If we all lived that way then society would break down. I suggest you reevaluate your views and grow up.
Steve it says humour at the top of the page. Take a valium, even if it is someone else’s. I found $1000 dollars. If the loser can’t quote the serial numbers how can I be sure it’s his? Should I turn it over and have it disappear into the pockets of bureaucracy.
what a republican….
Not sure if Satire or just really really dumb.