Top 10 Old Guys who Fathered Kids
September 27, 2010 | Lists
It’s long been established that the older a woman gets, the likelier she is to give birth to the next generation of tollbooth lackeys – according to the National Institutes of Health, a woman over the age of 45 faces more delivery complications than pizzas ordered to the ghetto.
Up until now age of conception has not been as thoroughly studied in men, probably because at a really advanced age the prospect of slingin’ a softball with the young’un when the backstop is confined to a wheelchair is not ideal either for throwing the runner out at second or fatherhood. Also, speaking of baseball, being able to fend off your daughter’s suitors with a Louisville Slugger and not being mistaken for someone who saw action in the dead ball era, is integral to being taken seriously as a parental authority.
The following are 10 old guys – prime suspects for the lifting of dresses with extended canes – who threw caution to the wind and their false teeth into a glass on the bedside table (arranged according to papa’s age at time of birth):
Most men sow their seeds at a young age to ensure that when it comes to their silver years, there won’t be any competition for that friendly nurse with a bottle and a cloth for ass wiping.
Unfortunately, from the prospective of cackers who’d like to put a biscuit in the basket, recent research has shown that there are a whole host of mental abnormalities associated with papa’s advanced age and that sperm, unlike some wine, in a frightening analogy, doesn’t age well. The fruit of your loins may spoil the older you get.
The ballast of the three tenors, Pavarotti’s legendary appetite was not limited to the buffet tables of the known universe. This Luciano also got “lucky”, hitting the high notes right to the end and fathering a child a mere four years before he paid for the second homes of pall-bearers’ chiropractors when he died at 71.
Picasso is renowned as one of the great womanizers of the 20th century: when he wasn’t earning loyalty points in Europe’s better – and not so good – brothels, he was at home distorting the likenesses of the women he met there in paintings that would one day be the subject of some masterful cases of art fraud. Even at 61, the feverish genius had more game than most crinkly beach-goers with skin like yams, when he began courting 21-year-old Francoise Gilot. Picasso long equated painting with sexual potency, proving himself capable of laying down the pigment by siring a child with her at 68.
Some randy geezers emboldened by Viagra and the prospect of never having to deal with the troubles of raising a teenager thanks to the easy out of certain death by that point, choose to have children well into old age.
A Nobel Prize recipient, which would have Alfred Nobel, if he were alive today, blowing himself up with the dynamite he invented, Arafat is the man who launched numerous bad jokes about headgear that looked like pizzeria tablecloth. He put the “Paternal Longevity Optional” into P.L.O, dying four years after fathering a kid at 71.
Undersea explorer Jacques Cousteau, the inventor of the Aqualung, once gave an interview to UNICEF in 1991, speaking out on population control. Obviously this was a case of him not putting the flipper on the other foot because surely one of the chief tenets of keeping the world’s population to a sustainable level would be to keep wrinkly oceanographers from impregnating women at an age when most are lolling gape-mouthed in wheelchairs at the local aquarium.
The Lex Luthor of the media world, Rupert Murdoch ruined the newspaper industry and dumbed down television to the point where a potato with a smiley face drawn can offer more thought provoking entertainment. But when he wasn’t busy buckling unions and hammering reactionary politics into the press, Murdoch took the time to give the world a mental image even less pleasant than a police line up of Fox News anchors by fathering a kid at 72.
5) Charlie Chaplin 73:
As a young man, Englishman Charlie Chaplin came to America and thrilled audiences with classic silent screen roles that put smiles on faces that had no teeth because it was the Great Depression.
America thanked him by branding him a Communist and banning his reentry permit when he went to England on holiday in the 1950s. Chaplin, however, could always cheer himself up with the fact that there existed in the world an inexhaustible number of young women who looked on him in a more favorable light than McCarthy-era witch-hunters.
At 54, he married an 18-year-old woman, undoubtedly causing more eye rolling than a glass one set atop a wobbly night table. Chaplin broke convention by not dropping dead due to the strain of keeping up with a woman whose grandmother would have been a contemporary – he lived to 88 – and having eight kids with her, the last one at 73.
4) Tony Randall, 78:
The TV icon once remarked, “I’ve always enjoyed Acting. Acting is acting”, one of the few famous quotes under 10 words that use three of the same ones. Best known as one half of the Odd Couple, Randall made some 200 talk show appearances and there can be no doubt that he knew how to deliver a quip when needed well past his salad days. At the age of 75, Randall embarked on a May-December romance, pushing the latter well into the New Year, when he married a 25-year-old woman and had two children with her.
Back when men were men you’d see people settle scores with fists instead of rude gestures out the window and hoping to catch consecutive green lights thereafter, and Quinn, the Aztec/Mexi/Irishman was one such guy. Quinn boxed to earn a living and was every bit as virile as the characters he played. The Mighty Quinn – we had to get to it sooner or later – proved he was mighty indeed, by fathering his 13th child in his early 80s.
1) Saul Bellow, 84:
The second Nobel Prize winner on our list and the ripest of this pack of papas is Saul, who proved at 84, there was still lots kicking down Bellow. Considered one of the 20th century’s great novelists, and also a person whose collected works could kill a man if dropped from a second-storey window, Bellow married five times, all but his last marriage ending in divorce, his last wife bucking the trend because Bellow dropped dead.