Top 10 Lists
June 8, 2009 | Lists
We started our site to follow on in the path laid down by our first book, a humorous collection of drinking-related feats of grandeur called The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death: and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery (Penguin), but soon branched out into lists, some of which, like our Top 10 Drinking and Driving Songs of All Time, had never been attempted before.
The ones that we’ve run on this site have brought us thousands upon thousands of eyeballs, like some grotesque Dali painting; so, to meet everyone’s needs, like a brothel in a Walmart, we decided to offer a one stop shop for each and every one of our lists, just in case you might have missed a few (if you have, you needn’t worry. Much like if you missed a day for your prescription meds, you can double up on the dose to catch up).
Here is a collection of our most recent lists so that our readers can mosey up to the drive-thru window and remark upon just how much free entertainment we’ve brought you over the years (if you’re feeling especially generous, we are happy to accept gifts provided we don’t have to pay the postage—so what we’re saying is, cash is preferred).
So, in no particular order, we present to you our fave Top 10 Lists (we realize some of these lists may not involve 10 items, but for every one that comes in under that number, we’ve got several that go well over so at the very least, they AVERAGE ten and besides, this is not an express check out line at the supermarket).
“The subway, unless you’re stuffed into one in Japan by a cop mime, provides relative comfort. A gauge of a city’s sophistication (unless it’s Cleveland), there are 15 cities in North America with light rail/subway systems, and we’ve had the opportunity to try out four of them and on only two occasions, saw someone urinating on a platform—which are pretty good odds, all things considered, given the relatively small circumference of a drunk’s indiscriminate pissing.” [click for more]
“Astrology adherents believe we all fall into one of 12 basic character groups depending on the alignment of the stars at the time we made our screaming, messy debuts in this world. In a bid to get people to cough up more than the cost of their newspapers, astrologers are capable of complicating this basic setup with a cosmic breakdown of exactly where the universe was at when you were born with moons waxing and waning and more stars going into their ascendancy than after a no-tell weekend at a Hollywood producer’s house.” [click for more]
“The French poet Jacques Prevert (and no, that is not a typo; he apparently got there ahead of the perverts), once said: “Art is never chaste. It ought to be forbidden to ignorant innocents, never allowed into contact with those not sufficiently prepared. Yes, art is dangerous. Where it is chaste, it is not art.” Well these are unchaste works that came into contact with many people who were not sufficiently prepared; most of these would probably have even drawn a “Sacre Bleu!” from Prevert himself.” [click for more]
“We are big fans of Kitchen Nightmares, not the kind that wake you up sweating through the sheets and reaching for antacids (what would likely transpire after a repast prepared by either of us) but the Chef Gordon Ramsay reality show.” [click for more]
“Please memorize every single one of these rules and never forget them. They will make your elevator-riding experience shorter and more enjoyable. Also your fellow elevator passengers will not despise you with every fiber of their being.”[click for more]
“The economy is in the commode. Those who still have jobs are dropping from ulcers as they think of reasons to justify their exclusion from the next purge. Cardiac surgeons are clocking overtime like hookers at Mardi Gras, but there’s one group, who, if you were to take a sample member and measure his pulse it would read, “Dude…”These are your stay-at-home bums.” [click for more]
“Just when you thought it was safe to venture into the barn again, after Bessie’s ozone layer destroying farts and Mad Cow disease, along comes the swine flu – the latest assault on humanity perpetrated by a creature most commonly seen on breakfast plates.” [click for more]
“The current economic shit-storm means sitting down to breakfast every morning, opening the newspaper and reading how the industry in which you work is in as much trouble as the soon-to-be defunct newspaper you’re holding. If you’re lucky, it’s just a salary cut so that your company can continue to afford that
finely quilted toilet paper in the executive shitter while you decide between a bus pass or cable television. If you’re not so lucky your job falls under the “Would have been obsolete anyway, the economy just brought the wolves to the door faster” category. Postal worker is one such job.” [click here for more]
“It’s been said that “Those who can do, do and those who can’t do teach”. There are also “those who can’t do, would rather not teach, see a chance to earn a quick buck and then join the public speaking circuit.
It’s not surprising then, that the first place you’re likely to encounter a motivational speaker is a high school auditorium. Armed with laser pointers and talk of carpe diem as a life affirming alternative to carpe capitulum and shoving it into a toilet bowl, they’re welcome relief from Macbeth slog-throughs, the Magna Carta or quadratic equations—but then again, so is a fire drill.” [click here for more]
“If you live in a high rise where cigarette butts and syringes line the stairwell, it’s easy to see the appeal of MTV Cribs. For those who aren’t familiar with the show, Cribs offers a celeb-guided tour inside the stately homes of celebrities real (Hulk Hogan) and imagined (Jacoby Shaddix—he was in some band called Papa Roach and has ‘love’ and ‘hate’ tattooed on his hands, which is pretty limiting given the number of four-letter antonyms)” [click here for more]