Top 10 Jesus Sightings

Few deities get around as much as Jesus Christ (no middle name unless incorporated into a curse – “H” on its own or paired with “Bald-headed” is a favorite). Though he’s built like a basketball, Buddha is no Globetrotter and is rarely spotted outside yoga studios and underground Asian gambling halls, while among Muslims, it is forbidden to even attempt to put the image of the Prophet down on paper; calling in a tabloid tip about how he appeared on your hood after a waxing would not go down well among the faithful.

The King of Kings, meanwhile, is the Travelocity Gnome of the divine.

Last year, we covered 10 of the all-time top Jesus Sightings and the post must have inspired our roving Redeemer, as forget about a Second Coming, he’s redeemed frequent flier points and hit the road like a rock star recouping money his crooked accountant has been slowly robbing him of over the years.

“Do you see what I see?” asks a tuneful refrain heard around the time holiday gift cards are exchanged in his name, and looking at the collection below you’ll either answer, “No”, or “I feel a bit awkward staring up your dog’s poop chute”.  Most skeptics and indeed would chalk up these sightings to pareidolia, “a type of illusion or misperception involving a vague or obscure stimulus being perceived as something clear and distinct.”

But why rob some individual grasping for a terrestrial connection with a deity that consistently ignores prayers for a tree to fall on the house of a particularly annoying neighbor? Moreover, why ruin someone’s potential E-bay windfall?

Here we get caught up with that man about town, that mobile messiah, that son of man with the plan and the Nazarene on the scene with this, our Top 10 Jesus Sightings!

10. Coffee Table Jesus.

Jesus sightings involve mostly mundane household objects and crappy food, so it’s not surprising that he would turn up on a flat surface associated with unhealthy victuals wolfed down during sweeps week. Another use of coffee tables is, of course, as a place to set down drinks, a significant number of which would have to be consumed to associate whatever CSI crime-scene like image is displayed here with the celestial. After losing three members of her family, a Mobile Alabama woman was convinced that God, rather than taking earlier, preventative action re: said family members’ demises, had instead decided to appear  afterward in her coffee table as a sign of heavenly solidarity. He also might have been suggesting that using a coaster once every 1,000 drinks wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

9. MRI Jesus.

Anyone who says science and religion are incompatible is obviously scandalously unaware of the number of times that the Prince of Peace has made cameo appearances in people’s diagnostic imaging scans.

A Pennsylvania woman spotted Jesus in an MRI and called up her local Fox News affiliate to tell them (that being one of the few stations where a call like that would make it past the switchboard).

Whether seeing the face of Jesus in an MRI is a positive thing, or a sign that you might be soon filling out forms in a heavenly waiting room is a highly contested matter in ecclesiastical circles.

8. Kit Kat Jesus.

A counter conundrum to Cadbury’s, ‘how did they get the caramilk into the Caramilk bar? another brain-teaser is how God incarnate ended up in a product made by the world’s largest food manufacturer, Nestlé.

A man in the Netherlands was enjoying the confection when he noticed after a bite that along with chocolate wafer goodness, the subject of a certain violent biopic directed by Mel Gibson was staring right back at him. He confirmed this sighting with his work buddies — thus putting it on par with a miracle verfied by the Catholic Church in terms of investigative rigor  — and sent the pic in to a Dutch website. Another reader, however, saw Darth Vader not Christ.

7. Mars Jesus

Scientists recently discovered evidence that Mars at a time in the not-so-distant past had water, and NASA exploration has also uncovered another thing that Earth and Mars have in common: the Messiah turning up in natural formations that if you look at with one hand over one eye, at an angle, and reflected back to you via one of those fun-house mirrors after you convert to Christianity looks just like Jesus Christ.

The image was taken by a camera on NASA’s Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter. On our previous list, the interstellar savior worked on a grander scale — showing himself to those who believe (and those who paid good money for a blown-up picture) in a Nebula.

6. Kitchen Jesus

As we all know, the King of Kings had a step-dad, whose frustration in not getting any from the missus led him to get wood and pound away—as a carpenter.

St Joseph is the patron saint of carpentry and we hoped a prayer was said in his name when Central Florida residents noted that drying plaster took the shape of our lord and master.

The homeowner noted, after relaying the importance of measuring twice and cutting once and getting references from your contractor that do not bear a prison’s seal, that “It’s a blessing; it’s a message that needs to be known.” When we first read the headline “Kitchen Jesus”, we thought he would’ve appeared as on a kitchen back-splash or something fungal that was the subject of a product recall, but this just goes to show…what, we’re not entirely sure.

5. Hilltop Jesus

Natural formations lend themselves nicely to imaginings. Some mountain ranges, for example, look like the ‘after’ photos in the offices of plastic surgeons, and when major expeditions on them fail, the strain caused by a group of lonely, fatigued, oxygen-deprived men forced to ponder Titan-sized hooters is almost always to blame.

A man in Corona California, however, had his mind in more sanctified realms when he gazed at this hillside and reckoned that he saw Jesus. Admittedly, even with that arrow, it is still something of a really tough Where’s Waldo-type puzzle to try to spot Jesus on that hill, but the faithful do not lack in imagination. For bonus points, spot the wings that the man who found this one claims to have seen. The reporting story says “[The hillside Christ spotter] told KTLA he was a bit “embarrassed” about reporting his sighting, but says he just wanted to share the image with the rest of the nation.” He should have went with his first instinct.

4. Toilet Seat Jesus

Aside from the bedroom, the bathroom must be the second-most common room in the house for calling out the name of one’s maker, whether it’s due to a fiber deficit, or its opposite and you are asking the rhetorical question, “Oh God, why did I go back on my rule against buffets?”

A Las Vegas Woman who put an “I [HEART] LAS VEGAS” bumper sticker on her toilet seat –giving the men folk something civic to aim at — saw the face of Jesus, or perhaps Joaquin Phoenix — in the heart. She was cleaning her toilet when she spotted the porcelain prophet gazing up on her and said it had come at a time when she thought her financial situation was… yep, in the toilet.

And of course, this sighting could help turn things around in that regard. The woman who made the discovery is doing her best to keep the image intact — even to the point of refusing to allow her family members in to use this washroom [let's hope they don't live in a one-bedroom apartment, otherwise the hallway plants are going to start to grow awfully tall] — and she said that while she would not sell the seat, she would entertain queries for the entire shitter.

3. Maple Leaf Messiah

There is no image more closely associated with Canada that the maple leaf. With church attendance in free fall, the Great White North isn’t exactly god’s country any more, so it’s possible that this is a botanical memo imploring Canucks to spend Sundays more wisely—of course, the fact that this photo synthesizer was found in Massachusetts calls this theory into question. A local realtor brought the leaf to her office and took an informal survey: “Three-quarters of the people I showed it too immediately saw the face of Jesus Christ. The other quarter saw Bob Marley or John Lennon.”

2. Iron Jesus

An iron, which the source newspaper pointed out was ”otherwise unremarkable: manufactured for the Wal-Mart house brand, with a basic dial for fabric settings and a steam/dry switch” (the devil doesn’t show up when you hit the toggle) was the focus of much attention when a Beantown woman saw an image appear on the stainless steel bottom.

According to her pastor, “I think it’s how we interpret things….God works in his or her own way.” A spokesman for the Archdiocese of Boston did not comment yesterday, but on his behalf we say “steamin’ Jesus”.

1. Dog’s Ass Jesus (pictured at top)

One would not look for salvation, or much else, except perhaps for signs of disease, in a dog’s hindquarters, but that is where Jesus most recently — and on this list, at least, clearly — appeared. What does it say about the nature of Jesus sightings when the one that looks the most like the accepted image of Jesus appears on a dog’s ass, with its anus as the head?

According to the website GetBehindJesus.Net, Angus, a three-year-old terrier mix named Angus was stretching in the family living room on a Sunday morning, and as the sunlight hit his hindquarters just so, the family was presented with an image of Christ so sacrilegious it makes the art featured in our Top 10 Offensive Religious Art Pieces list seem somehow quaint. The website insists that neither the dog nor the photos had been manipulated in any way, and we sincerely hope that they are not lying about the dog.

Dishonorable Mention: Space Shuttle Docking Jesus

Millions will soon be celebrating an occurrence that thankfully doesn’t happen often as it would certainly upset the equilibrium of couples vowing chastity until marriage: the virgin birth. A Virgin birth of a different sort took place when Sir Richard Branson announced the genesis of  a galactic space jet. As shown in his recent journeys to the cosmos — both his Nebula and Mars — Jesus is not about to be outdone by some hot-air balloon-obsessed yahoo. Here we have a still from video footage of a recent space shuttle docking with the the international Space Station Mir, where Jesus is visible if you squint and think about Jesus and not, say, Abe Lincoln.