Top 10 Facebook Etiquette Rules

August 20, 2010 | Lists

We have previously written disparaging things about Facebook, as in our list of The Top 10 Facebook Bans in which we said, “Until the day that HowMyBowelsAreFunctioning.com launches, the internet doesn’t get any more solipsistic than Facebook.” However, we must admit that we are both willing dupes of whatever sort of evil corporate conspiracy Facebook is – see this list for a serious take on how our consumer profiles will remain on file longer than styrofoam at the city dump. And we also willingly put up with some of the website’s most annoying features (nailed in this list).

Of course, Facebook allows you to stay current with people you’d otherwise see coming down the street 10 years hence, slow down your walk as you think of how familiar the person seems, and then stare at the pavement and hoof it out of there as you begin to get paranoid that the person is actually a stranger who now thinks a public accosting is about to take place. It is also ready-made for procrastination. Even on the quietest days, hitting the refresh browser button will always bring up something in your news feed, even if it is just a mention of a particularly tasty breakfast waffle or how someone’s chicken coop in Farmville had to be gassed by government officials due to an outbreak of H1N1.

It takes time, and a series of angry private messages from people you’ve offended to learn the finer points of Facebook etiquette — when to send friend requests, when to block someone who sends too many app invitations your way (answer, immediately is not quick enough), etc. Here we outline 10 points of Facebook etiquette that will make you the most popular of the 274 friends on your Facebook list, including the 10 with whom you’ve actually spoken in the past 5 years.

1. Treat a person’s wall like it’s a private forum invisible to other users and let fly with inside jokes and follow-ups to private conversations. “Great talking with you the other night, Bill. Be sure to let me know how that doctor’s visit turns out. Chin up mate!”

2. When choosing a profile pic, don’t make the mistake of choosing one of yourself in front of a mountain – nobody likes that kind of grandstanding – or of you at your buddy’s wedding because it’s the only time you’ve been photographed in a suit. Opt instead for ones that show a bit of your gregarious personality – cross-eyed from drink and flashing an obscene hand gesture, perhaps.

3. It’s important to keep a copy of your friends list handy – writing out the names by hand is the most efficient method we’ve found of compiling this information – to ensure that you can seek reprisals in the event of a “defriending”.

4. Surprise your significant other by changing your relationship status to single without warning.

Facebook sounds like goat's ass in French.

5. If you’ve just met someone, it is best to send a Facebook friend request to them immediately. If you can use your mobile phone or blackberry to do this on the drive home, do so. If not, pop into a nearby internet café. It’s not creepy to show you care.

5b. Or wait about eight months after meeting someone only once and then send them a Friend request. Failure to respond here indicates that the person in question really never had much interest in knowing you from the get-go.

6. Set your privacy settings to such a high level that even your closest friends are unable to glimpse your Facebook wall (which would be empty, but they don’t know that). This will leave them questioning whether they have caused offence and will encourage them to be even better friends.

7. Never go into detail when describing your current, negative mental state in a status update. Keep it as “Chuck is plain fed up” rather than “Chuck failed to stand up for himself as a manager once again demeaned him in front of colleagues.”

8. Keep libel laws in mind when settling personal scores on Facebook, but don’t forget the retributive power of uploading an unflattering pic of someone and tagging it from your account.

9. Don’t be charitable when it comes to using the “rate my friends” app. Let ‘em have it. A person who really is your 117th best looking friend, and has the 190th best personality should really know this information and use it as a tool for self-betterment.

10. There is no statute of limitations when it comes to sending friend requests to people. This is the case even if you are in your 40s and your last exchange with the person in question occurred in high school and consisted of, “Hey, you got an extra pen?” and the retort, “Uh, yeah, here.”