Top 10 Accurate Statements for Infomercials
August 22, 2012 | Lists
With infomercials like the Shark Vac then Steam (Please find out that they’ve somehow violated our copyright) promising “It’s safe enough for my kids to play on after I’ve cleaned them…” (sic) and spokespeople uttering statements nobody before or since have uttered like, ““I’m ready to steam mop!” it can be difficult to parse the often strange and contradictory claims made on behalf of some of these infomercial products.
As we’ve started earlier, do not mistake the Dual-Action Cleanse for a new electric toothbrush and don’t let your judgement be swayed by being on the wrong side of sobriety.
As a public service, we’ve conceived of a more accurate means of infomercials getting their message across, with the least possible spin.
10 Accurate Infomercial Statements:
This offer is not available in stores, because many stores have done market research to determine that lonely drunk infomercial impulse buys are not their key demographic.
It would take several minutes to find all of the songs in this collection by inserting the title into YouTube’s search bar.
If this isn’t the best _____________ you’ve ever heard/used/put away in a dank garage and had eaten by moths or flooded out in a power failure, you get your money back.
“If this isn’t the best….” It’s hard to find comparable collapsible monkey bars that would send you to the nearest strip mall legal clinic to file a claim. Equally difficult to find: other love ballads of the 80s collections to use as a soundtrack to filling up a garage with fumes.
Operators are standing by. If you think your job is bad, just think how it must feel to be an infomercial operator and to field calls from insomniacs and those who’ve settled their bar tabs at 3:30.
Multiplying a payment by 3X doesn’t make it any easier.
Testimonials are that much compelling when they’re offered by people substituting a letter for their surname who’ve been paid for their appearance.
Do you remember the music that made (insert decade here) so special? The (insert decade here) was a great decade. We had great movies, television and most of all, great music. The (insert decade here) was a great time to fall in love. There were songs full of passion, rock songs, ballads and songs you could fall asleep drunk to on the few channels that aren’t test patterns at 5AM.
There aren’t many forums for shirtless people to be this aggressive.
Transform yourself in however many seconds it takes to find the torrent of this DVD collection.
Here’s a video list rundown of the Top 10 Worst Infomercials, including a memorable filter of nasty cigarette smoke that affixes to one’s car with a Velcro strap.