The Top 10 Horniest Cult Leaders of All Time (Part Two)
So you’ve decided to join a cult. You’ve dropped your belongings in the bin marked “stuff that we can sell once your spirit has been broken,” learned to call a guy who has fleas “master,” and started doing things like standing on one foot and chanting Tibetan bush-monk hymns in order to re-balance the earth’s energies. After a few months of this, when your guru brings out a goat and turns on the mood music, you may be sufficiently removed from reality to follow his suggestions.
As we discussed in Part One of our Top 10 Horniest Cult Leaders of All Time List, cult leaders, like the owner of a no-tell motel, know the power of sex. The 10 on this list directed — and in some cases continue to direct — their cults to various ends — some of them murder, some (not many) charitable work, some mindless time-fillers like pretending you’re a daffodil – but all of them have made a stop at the guru’s chambers for some private “insights” mandatory. They have libidos that were too large to be reined in by convention (though in some cases law enforcement may yet do said reining). Here they are then, the Top Five Horniest Cult Leaders of All Time!
5.) Jim Jones
“Jonestown”: Jim Jones is best remembered as the charismatic nutcase who led over 900 people to their deaths via poison Kool-aid. What may not be as well known about Jones is the fact that he was also one incredibly horny tinpot dictator who led 900 people to their deaths via poison Kool-aid. In his book on cults, author Nigel Cawthorne writes that Jones claimed “that he possessed almost superhuman sexual endurance, technique and potency.” And as a post-coital bonus, he would isolate you completely from friends and family, convince you to join him as he set out to form some godforsaken colony and talk you into suicide. But first, a cigarette.
Jones’ secretary kept an appointment book for these encounters, and he did not discriminate when it came to gender. Jones called his liasons with male members “revolutionary acts,” though this Che Guevera of the flesh ran into trouble when he tried to spread the revolution to an undercover policeman in a public washroom. Jones, like Manson, and others on this list was also something of a voyeur and would orchestrate sexual performances… all in the name of the revolution you understand.
4.) Adi Da “Da-ists”:
Adi Da has done more to inspire would-be mystics who are actually pursuing the more terrestrial goal of getting laid than most cult leaders. Born Franklin Jones, Da would go through more name changes than a convention of debt-dodgers, adopting among his monikers Bubba Free John, Da Free John, Dau Loloma, Da Love-Ananda, and later “Da, Da, Da,” because he couldn’t get that catchy tune out of his head no matter how high he got with the yogic flying. Jones was a native of Queens NY, and though he may look a bit like Archie Bunker, the similarities end there. Da started using mysticism to get laid in — surprise, surprise — the 1960s. He was a thumb in the eye to the Eastern mystics who had up until that time been hogging most of the action.
Just listen to some of this from an Adi-Da friendly website (caps all theirs): “Avatar Adi Da has Given His devotees a way of relating to sex that is life-positive, non-puritanical and at the same time more and more ego-transcending and compatible with the fullest Spiritual practice and ultimate Divine Enlightenment.” A word of advice to guys taking yoga and/or meditation classes in the hopes of scoring: take notes — this guy is the master — when it comes to spinning a line that will get you laid, that is.
A less friendly website chronicled, among other incidents, one in which Da invited a couple into his room while he was drinking beer and smoking, poured the liquor out to both of them and said that the woman should be prepared to “commune with the guru.” Da scoffed at her husband’s objections, saying it was the all-evil ego at work and that he should liberate himself from such entanglements. Da? He helped the woman break free from her clothing. The cuckolded husband accepted Da’s explanation until he began to wonder why this revelation needed the assistance of a bottle of hooch to make itself known. Da was already down the fire escape by that point. Da-da-damn!
3.) Sun Myung Moon:
Moon’s divinity stems from his account of meeting Christ in the Korean countryside. Jesus was actually asking for directions to the nearest jimjilbang, but given the language barrier it’s easy to understand how Moon made the mistake and began writing his own bible and later founding the Unification Church i.e. The Moonies. Marriage has always been a big part of The Moonie world — these days it mostly means a mass wedding where you’ll marry a complete stranger, with whom you might not even share a language, but back in the early days Moon was more hands-on. Back then, marriages in the cult were deemed invalid until the bride had the chance to, shall we say, see The Dark Side of the Moon. But cult sexing ain’t easy and soon there were simply too many new members for Moon to mount.
His next move was ingenious — he declared that his new members must refrain from sex for 40 days after marriage while the bride metaphysically sleeps with Moon. You’re a newlywed about to get it on with a perfect stranger who is now your wife and your main and most recent competition is essentially God who has been metaphysically pleasing your woman to the extent of her imagination. Check your manhood at the door, and consider yourself Mooned.
2.) Aleister Crowley, “Ordo Templi Orientis”:
Born into the Plymouth Brethren and made to read bible passages at dinner time, Crowley decided at an early age that this sort of austere, Bible-thumping misery was just not on. He got his start early as one of the top all-time top sex cultists by schtupping his father’s maid, an act that once it became known to his mother caused her to dub him “The Beast,” as in the Book of Revelations/loose in the streets of Bethlehem sense. He dug that and used it on all his letterhead throughout his life.
He headed up the Ordo Templi Orientis and began staging elaborate and very well attended sex rituals, involving men, women and the occasional farm animal. He called his rituals “sex magick” and wrote a book of poems on sex that had one of the all-time least erotic names of any such collection, 1898’s “White Stains.”
Crowley was inexplicably popular with the ladies. Maybe it was the hat. He would sharpen his teeth to points and bite the wrists of anyone who took his fancy. This technique was effective — even as a bloated bald old goat he would still have women throwing themselves at him and he obliged. They then mostly went insane and were driven to the funny farm. Subject of an Ozzy Ozbourne song, pictured on the cover of the Sgt. Pepper album, Aleister Crowley could no doubt have kept on getting laid well into the 1980s — at least — had he not died in the gutter a penniless junkie. But still, Sgt. Pepper… Pretty cool.
1.) Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (Osho):
The late 1960s were good to horny cult leaders the world over and none more so than Bhagwan (which means “Master of the Vagina” — if there are any who would dispute his top billing here) Shree Rajneesh, who welcomed a generation of young western tourists in search of Eastern enlightenment with open arms and a soft, if crowded, bed. Those Western seekers handed over all of their worldly possessions — which barring the odd celestial silver dollar meant everything they owned — donned rose-colored robes, and participated in a form of meditation that was part three-year-old child throwing a tantrum — participants were asked to kick, bite, and scream at one another to release stress — and part Club-54 — they were encouraged to have as much sex with one another as they could without dropping dead from the effort.
At the top of this pyramid of deluded sexed-up Westerners was Bhagwan himself. He stayed perched at the top of this lecherous extremely profitable empire until the 1980s when he underwent a Prince-like identity crisis. Perhaps looking for an image change, and tone down the fact that he would make Wilt Chamberlain look like an agorophobe he decided to drop Bhagwan, and simply call himself Gautam the Buddha. Likely realizing that this was a bit much, he settled on Maitreya (friend of the Buddha), then Zorba the Buddha, then that creepy guy who screwed a whole lot of people’s moms in the 60s, before finally settling on Osho. It is under this name that the profligate prophet’s teachings — what little there were that didn’t relate directly to mattress gymnastics — live on.