The Top 10 Best NFL Names: Dick Butkus Would Approve
August 1, 2008 | Lists
Being the kind of guys who would ask the bartender in a sports bar if he wouldn’t mind changing the channel because “I think ‘Wheel of Fortune’ might be on, and tonight’s Caribbean-themed,” we are likely not the ones most NFL fans would turn to for commentary or analysis.
And that’s for the best, because we aren’t about to offer anything of the sort.We can appreciate football’s importance to gamblers; after all, without this sport to bet on, there might be a major-sports-less gap in the year that could see attendance at dog tracks overwhelm capacity. But for us, the NFL is just the XFL stripped of all its glorious theatrics, slick production values, and unorthodox rules that breathed new life into the sport (Reference the decision to let players put whatever they wanted to on their jerseys, [see left. That is unfortunately not his given name, though we’re not sure if “he” still hate him or whether he has had a change of heart, and now he “likey” him]).
So rather than combing through football rosters for information relevant to a player’s on-field performance, or using said info for any useful purpose whatsoever, we’ve instead gone through the ranks to highlight something over which players had absolutely no control: their names. The NFL has given us people with nicknames like William “The Refrigerator” Perry, so called because of his frequent visits to one and also because he looked as close as a human could to one without being robbed of the ability of forward movement and others with names like Man Mountain, which also wasn’t in any way ironic.
Here, however, is a list of gridiron athletes whose given names are so stellar that they do not need nicknames. Compiled from current NFL rolls and barring any exploding kneecaps or other assorted football injuries over the weekend, here, in no particular order, are the best damn legal names currently on a National Football League roster. That’s currently, people, so no waxing poetic about Blood Mcnally tearing up City Stadium in the days before helmets. [Editor’s note: This is for the 2008 Season, click here for the latest list of Funny NFL Names]
10) Ritchie Incognito, St Louis Rams: With a name that makes him sound like the guy who runs the panini shop in a Danny Aiello movie, Ritchie Incognito of the St. Louis Rams gets the first slot here. After being suspended indefinitely from two colleges (one wonders if anything short of tearing off another human’s head could warrant the indefinite suspension of a star athlete from one American college let alone too), Incognito has since gone on to become a well paid NFL star, driving around in a BMW 750 with “23 television screens… including one in his gas cap door.” Alright, it’s only a surname, but come on.
9) Guy Whimper, New York Giants: This one works even better if you choose to pronounce his first name the French way. “Monsieur Guy Whimper”, table for deux!” While this guy tips the scales at over 300 pounds, and we can imagine few things more frightening than a guy half the size of a pickup truck looking to knock us down, one wonders of the psychological effects on an offensive tackle of having a surname that calls to mind the sound a cockerspaniel makes when it’s been left out in the rain and wants to come back inside.
8) Coy Wire, Buffalo Bills: Nothing screams tenacious, frothing at the mouth, NFL linebacker like “Coy”, defined as “coquettish, or artful playfulness and showing reluctance to make a definite commitment.” This also describes the way the Buffalo Bills consistently like to play in the post-season. Well, he has it better than the “Demure” Dan Jenkinses of the world whose football careers never left the playground. He’s pictured here, and if your name is ‘wire’ you better damn-well hit the weights.
7) D’Brickashaw Ferguson, New York Jets: In parlance common among people commenting on the gargantuan size of another, the phrase “Yeah, he’s built like a brick shithouse” is not uncommon. And here’s a guy who is not only built like said durable outdoor commode, but whose given name actually includes “brick” in it. This would of course give him the credentials for having the coolest name in the NFL entirely were it not for the truth behind the origins of his name. It seems that D’Brickashaw is a take on the surname of Father Ralph de Bricassart, the Roman Catholic priest played by Richard Chamberlain in the television miniseries “The Thorn Birds.”
6) Clevan “Tank” Williams, Minnesota Vikings: If your parents name you ‘tank’, they’re either Wehrmacht war buffs or have Body Mass Indexes that are so off the charts, they figure their chip off the old block is more likely to look like the block itself. Tank is an exception to our rule of including actual given names since in his case, his little sister dubbed him tank as an infant. He thus effectively went through life with the name “Tank” rather than being given it while already a professional football player. Anybody who was known around the house as “Tank”, even while stuffing crayons up their nose and screeching at Big Bird, probably couldn’t have made many career choices other than football and certainly deserves a spot here.
5) John McCargo, Buffalo Bills: John McCargo: a name that sounds like a cross between a cut-rate company that will take care of all your industrial shipping needs and what the McDonald’s menu would sound like if they were forced to be honest. While slightly easier on the ear than “John McLoad,” this is another weight-themed family name that leads one to suspect that the person bearing it is unlikely to excel at synchronized swimming or trampolining.
4) Quentin T. Jammer, San Diego Chargers: Quentin T. Jammer is either a cornerback for the San Diego Chargers, a core member of the comic-book superhero team “Max Gravity and his Galactic Spectaculars,” or the villain in a future installment of the Matrix series. We’re not quit sure which. Regardless, with a name that screams to be put on a comic book or turned into a new dance craze, Quentin T. Jammer definitely lucked out in the surname sweepstakes.
3) King Dunlap, Philly Eagles: Striking a blow for the everyman, Dunlap’s parents eschewed heredity and decided that their youngster was just as kingly as anybody who gets the title the old-fashioned way. While we have no clue whether Dunlap’s play on the field can be deemed majestic, he does seem to strike a “I just plundered this kingdom” regal pose when it’s picture time (as shown in the photo to the right)
2) Atari Bigby, Green Bay Packers: Before anyone gets too excited, Atari Bigby was not named after the 1970s video-game pioneer, so anyone thinking of naming their offspring Gamecube Calhoun as a tribute should reconsider. His grandmother named him “Atari” because of the word’s Japanese meaning: attack. Coincidentally, we’re guessing that’s what Atari had to do every time someone jibed him as being named after the ancient video-game maker. “Bigby” is an added bonus, sounding as it does like the name of an octogenarian Rolls Royce chauffeur who taxis you to your country estate in Wales.
1) Melvin Bullitt, Indy Colts: Quite simply, regardless of how well or how horribly this guy plays, nobody can take away the fact that he has THE baddest name in the NFL. He could be his own blaxploitation ‘let me pass, or they be takin’ these mother-f*ckin’ hush-puppies out yo ass’, film star. And, yes, he is number one with a bullet.