Top 10 Reasons Sharks are Better Than Popes

February 27, 2013 | Lists

PopeBenedict

With their amazingly acute senses, this would not be a problem for sharks.

In case you’re wondering why that white cassock went up for sale recently on Roman Craigslist, we have news for you: the current pope, Benedict, has decided to retire. Evidently he wanted to give someone else the chance to say: “What? Someone trying to modernize the faith and bring us in line with contemporary laws around the world? To the popemobile, my lovelies!”

Benedict, who many will remember from the various Dark Sith comparisons at the time of his selection, is said by news agencies to be the first pope to retire in 600 years. (Actually, as any pedant who isn’t complaining to a newspaper about the deteriorating quality of its crossword puzzles will point out, he was the first to retire in 598 years). It’s a position that has drastically less power than it did back then – a time when a pope could press the impression of his ring on a bowing supplicant’s forehead without fear of reproach. It’s still a position that holds sway in many parts of the developing world with inadequate access to cable television, and involves overseeing vast stores of wealth and regular placement in doomsday prophecy programmes.

We have compared sharks favorably in the past with rabbits and cats. And since the animal kingdom has just as much business having foreign embassies as the Vatican, we decided to do the same with popes. Here are the Top 10 Reasons Sharks are Better Than Popes!

1. The pope is increasingly irrelevant to today’s youth, while the last youngster to question a shark’s relevance was unable to wave down a rescue boat with both arms.

2. pope hatA shark warning on a beach is enough to send people home. A pope warning on a beach would require paramedics to stand by to treat the old man in the layered robes for heatstroke.

3. No sports teams are named after popes (likely due to copyright concerns, but still).

4. The run-up to the selection of the new pope draws tedious media attention and speculation that finally it won’t be an old European guy who looks like he was shoeing horses before he got the call. The media only pay attention to sharks after a mauling or during Shark Week on Discovery Channel, which features lots of fun footage of guys getting terrorized on boats.

5. A fin cuts a more ominous silhouette than a pope hat.

6. If the rhetorical question is to be believed, popes shit in the woods. A shark does its business in the ocean, which is like dropping one in a giant pool with no repercussions.

helicoprion

Who ya got?

7. Sharks are constantly on the move, gliding through the seas and picking up speed when prey is in sight. Popes are old men who move slow (even when stalking prey) and can only pick up the pace in a “Popemobile”, which is the lamest “-mobile” ever.

8. Torturing an old European man for inclusion in a soup would appeal to only the tiniest minority of well-heeled Hong Kong wedding goers.

9. People’s view of sharks improves with education.

10. The pope may be infallible, but the Helicoprion, left, a shark that lived 270 million years ago, had teeth like a bloody chainsaw. Who would you rather see glaring you down at the other end of the aquarium?

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Comments

3 Responses | TrackBack URL | Comments Feed

  1. 11. Sharks don’t speak Latin to people who don’t understand it.

    Reply

  2. Re #3. There’s the Cardinals, which is bloody close.

    Reply

  3. A great piece of research and investigative journalism – hats (or fins) off to the team. More please.

    Reply

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