Astrology and Serial Killers. Born Under a Bad Sign (PART ONE)

May 28, 2009 | Lists

Astrology adherents believe we all fall into one of 12 basic character groups depending on the alignment of the stars at the time we made our screaming, messy debuts in this world. In a bid to get people to cough up more than the cost of their newspapers, astrologers are capable of complicating this basic setup with a cosmic breakdown of exactly where the universe was at when you were born with moons waxing and waning and more stars going into their ascendancy than after a no-tell weekend at a Hollywood producer’s house. But basically there are 12 accepted groups, and the members of each are said to share common personality traits.

There are otherwise high-functioning people out there – regularly voting and using the toilet without incident – who will say that a person’s personality has as much to do with the zodiac as it does a family tree tagged by city officials for chopping down due to trunk rot. As such books on astrology are up there with STD tests as tools to determine romantic compatibility and the wisdom of the zodiac is sought in other important life matters.

The personality profiles of the different zodiac signs are often too general or focus too much on the positive and they are open to interpretation. Here using only Yahoo Lifestyle’s breakdown of the different symbols, we decided to take a look at how the personality traits ascribed to each zodiac sign match well known people who fall under these signs — in this case some of the most Bloodthirsty Horrifying Serial Killers in recent memory. Let’s get started, shall we?!

ARIES (March 20-April 19)

Serial Killer: Keith Hunter Jespersen (Born April 6, 1955)

Killer capsule: Keith Hunter Jespersen was a Canadian truck driving serial killer, who murdered at least eight women, though the actual number may be many times higher. He became known as the Happy Face Killer, not due to his smiling disposition while being handed enough life sentences to last until the sun burns out, but because he regularly wrote letters to an Oregonian newspaper, which he signed with a happy face. Sadly, he did not leave a return address and due to the transient nature of his job as a trucker, it took police years to nab him.

Astrological Profile Highlights: “Ruled by the red planet of action, Mars, you are usually brimming over with life and vitality. But it’s that very spark inside you that means it’s so easy it is for you to be taken the wrong way.”

How true. It’s so unfair for people to assume that truckers who pick up strangers on abandoned roads in the middle of the night are bloodthirsty psychopaths out on the hunt. So unfair.

“You’re a Cardinal sign, which means you’re a leader, as well as a Fire sign, which means you either have boiling blood or you often come up against people whose blood you make boil. Why is it that people don’t understand that you just want to get things done?”

We value perseverence in matters such as beer chugging competitions and welfare fraud, but this?

Shares a Birthday with: John Ratzenberger (Cliff the mailman from Cheers),  Judd Apatow favorite Paul Rudd, and bible thumper former teen heartthrob Kirk Cameron’s younger sister Candace. Who are like basically the same person.

TAURUS (April 21-May 20)

Serial Killer: Steve Wright (Born April 24, 1958)

Killer Capsule: Not to be confused with laconic stand-up Steven Wright, who frankly, looks scarier. The Suffolk Strangler murdered prostitutes in Suffolk, hence his name.

Astrological Profile: “You are ruled by Venus, the planet of love and you’re definitely the sign of the zodiac most associated with sensual touch. How incredibly romantic! Your ruler Venus is all about The Pleasure Principle – in other words, anything which gives you pleasure, baby.”

Shares a birthday with: Barbara Streisand and Kelly Clarkson, neither of whom are associated with any kind of ‘pleasure principle’ we’re aware of, masochism maybe.

GEMINI (May 20-June 21)

Serial Killer: Kenneth Alessio Bianchi (born May 22, 1951) (Editor’s Note: While David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam, and also a famous Gemini would have been the more obvious choice, we covered him in the Top Postal Workers list and it’s company policy for us not to write about the same serial killer more than once every three months. Our company policy book is huge)

Killer capsule: While the very worst crime that most people would ever possibly commit with their cousins is marrying them in states that don’t permit it, Kenneth Bianchi and his cousin Angelo Buono had a darker gameplan.The two started out as pimps in California and worked their way up to murder, eventually strangling women in the hills above Los Angeles, hence their names The Hillside Stranglers. Bianchi was not the brightest light on the Christmas tree. As they were at the height of their homicidal ways, he tried out for the LAPD (insert your own joke here) and even went on a few ride-alongs with officers investigating the case. Buono compelled Bianchi to relocate to Washington when he heard of this insane — even by psychopath standards — behavior. Bianchi was arrested there after failing to cover his tracks after another two murders. He is also the only killer on this list to have been played by Billy Zane in a made-for-TV movie.

Astrological Profile Highlights: “Forget what you’ve heard about Geminis being two-faced. It’s not that you’re anymore two-faced than the next person.”

“The next person” in Kenneth’s case must have been Ted Bundy.

“Your knowledge and the diversity of that knowledge means that you don’t like to be kept on one track and if there is one criticism people are likely to make of you it’s that you tend to intellectualise things too much.”

Kenneth Bianchi has been accused of many things — mainly heinous murder — but being one of the century’s great minds is not one of them. When it comes to dumb moves to draw attention to yourself and your homicidal tendencies, Kenneth’s police ride-alongs while the Hillside Strangler investigation was at its most intense has to at least make the Top 6.

“Ruled by Mercury, the fleet footed messenger, you remain as flexible as a reed in the wind and more than happy to adapt to the situations you find yourself in.”

Sadly, we must contradict our sayer of sooth here: Kenneth did not adapt at all well to his new digs — enlisting the help of one of those sad demented women who fall in love with psychopaths to give a false confession to his crimes in order to spring him. He continues to wallow in Walla Walla prison in Washington.

Shares a birthday with: Supermodel Naomi Campbell, French singer Charles Aznavour, and Eurasian actress Maggie Q.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Serial Killer: Charles Ray Hatcher (born July 16, 1929)

Killer capsule: Another serial killer who is commonly referred to using his middle name (a bad sign), Charles Ray Hatcher is sure to be top of the list of anyone arguing against early release for convicts imprisoned for serious crimes. Hatcher is said to have killed 16 people — and committed more heinous crimes than some medium-sized towns process in a year — over decades, from 1947 until 1984, when he was arrested for the last time, wanted the death penalty imposed and when that was denied him, hung himself.

Astrological Profile Highlights: “The reason behind your Home In The Little House On The Prairie- reputation is that you are intuitive – thanks to the fact you are ruled by the Moon. Add that to being kind-hearted (as most Cancerians are) and of course you pick up on others’ feelings and then want to nurture those in need! You get to see a passing parade of people through your life, all wanting some TLC.”

“They come over for coffee and a chat with someone who makes them feel safe and you get another chance to Do Your Thing and care for them. Polish that halo. But we also know you have plenty more sides toyour personality.”

Well that last part was right. And if we’re going with the whole Christian view of the afterlife Thing, then we reckon that Mr. Hatcher, busy as he would be shoveling shit in Hades, would not have time to polish anything.

“No matter what your sex, you tend to have loads of female friends, and you mother most of them, just as you also mother your lover.”

Somehow, Mr. Hatcher, the deranged killer going in and out of prison does not strike us as the kind of guy who had a lot of “gal pals”, but we could be wrong.

“Like the Tarot card of The Moon, you’re quite enigmatic. Work it, Cancer, work it!

Shares a birthday with: Actress Phoebe Cates, 80s child star Corey Feldman, Shoeless Joe Jackson and Stewart Copeland, the drummer of the Police

LEO (July 22-August 23):

Serial Killer: Anatoly Onoprienko (July 25, 1959)

Killer capsule: Rarely would the phrase “There goes the neighborhood” have been more appropriate then when Anatoly Onoprienko made an appearance.  The Ukrainian mass murderer, with a death count of 60, far surpassing everybody else here would seek out an isolated house, shoot everyone inside it with a hunting rifle, and set the building on fire. Any village local unfortunate enough to get an eyeful of Anatoly doing his dirty work would also be murdered. The carnage became so heavy in one Ukranian village that police cordoned it off. He just moved to another village.

Astrological Profile Highlights: “You CAN be intimidating – do you realise that? Your self-assurance knocks some of the meeker, milder signs off their feet.”

Intimidating? A psychopathic guy with a hunting rifle who will burn down an entire village and slaughter its inhabitants if that’s what it takes to leave no witnesses — you call that intimidating? Darn.

“So how do you do the things you do? With a constant vibrancy and passion enough to start a fire.”

And who said horoscopes always dwelt in the abstract and vagaries?

“So even if you’re not famous yet, use your innate Leo talents to shine like a star wherever you go and whatever you do. You know that you’re just a little bit different and you like it just like that. Never ordinary, always distinctive, Leo leads.”

If you’re talking body count on this list, then yes, Leo leads.

Shares a birthday with: Isaac Asimov, Matt LeBlanc (Joey from Friends), and the model Iman.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22)

Serial Killer: Andrew Cunanan ( born August 31, 1969)

Killer capsule: Best known as the guy who killed Gianni Versace, Cunanan had already made the FBI’s Most Wanted list before he killed the designer. While reports at the time may have suggested that Cunanan was a “master of disguise”, this may have been an attempt to put some healing salve on the egos of the Miami police, as Cunanan spent his time in the city leading up to the Versace killing, walking around out in the open, boogieing down at nightclubs and even signing a pawn ticket in his own name. It is not known if he constructed a giant neon sign at the pawn shop door with an arrow and the words “Arrest this guy before he kills Gianni Versace,” but police didn’t locate him until it was too late.

Astrological Profile Highlights:“Oh to be a discerning Virgo! Everyone goes on about how Virgos are critical, don’t they? Have you heard that one? It’s not that you’re just born critical, it’s that you can’t help noticing what has and hasn’t been done up to scratch.”

That’s right accuse the Virgos of being nags,

“Traditionally your sign represented the women who sorted the grain from the chaff – i.e.: who had to be good at seeing what was worth keeping and what was no use at all. This is where your ability to be – ahem – let’s call it super-discerning comes from. And yes it is a mixed blessing!”

Being that among his murder victims were a legendary fashion designer and a prominent real estate developer — major life accomplishments especially when compared to Cunanan’s mooching and murder — we suspect his grain would have ended up with a whole lot of chaff.

“A few weeks with a Virgo and even the slobbiest person starts to feel healthier in mind, body and spirit!”

Not so much. And we object to the use of the word “slobbiest.”

Shares a Birthday With: Conductor Itzhak Perlman, annoying actor Chris Tucker, and the subject of more gerbil-related jokes than anyone on the planet, Richard Gere.

CLICK HERE FOR PART TWO OF OUR PSYCHOPATH ZODIAC RUNDOWN

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Comments

17 Responses | TrackBack URL | Comments Feed

  1. Creepy, my wife shares a birthday with John Lee Malvo. Should I be concerned?

    Reply

  2. Depends. Is she a good shot?

    Reply

  3. I’d like to see a copy of your company policy book please

    Reply

  4. I’m glad I’m not the only retard to sit around and think about serial killers.

    Reply

  5. It’s also interesting that Bianchi, a Gemini, was a compulsive liar and faked multiple personality disorder in an attempt at an insanity defense, and was pretty good at it. They almost found him not guilty until a really good non-defense psychiatrist was like WAIT A MINUTE.

    Reply

  6. What do you say about a quiet Leo?

    Reply

  7. I have to say, this is really very funny…but I do find it irksome when people who don’t know about astrology try to describe what people who do know about astrology think it all means. We actually do not think there are 12 kinds of people. It is obscenely more complicated than that. I’ve actually been studying it for 25 years and I’d say I know roughly 60% of what there is to know. I realize it would sort of ding up the humor if you did research first, but you might try it…y’know, sometime…when you’re feeling serious and analytical…if that ever happens.

    8-ppp

    Reply

  8. @Leo Chick…
    You’ve wasted 25 years of your life on BS…

    Reply

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    Reply

  10. [...] Five – The list of Astrology and Serial Killers should research and humor. I think this would be a fun example for my composition [...]

    Reply

  11. This is sad. Sad that we’re in the 21st Century and some still rely on things from pre-Dark Ages to determine … anything. Everyone falls under a zodiac sign and all signs have serial killers. So, what does that prove? It proves just what I said: All people fall under an astrological sign and all astrological signs have serial killers. We might as well group them by blood type. I’m sure we’d find similarities in that grouping as well but it would prove just as much, which is really nothing.

    Reply

    • Search on youtube for KRSchannel serial killers.

      Reply

  12. I share a birthday with Charles Rae Hatcher. Wish I didn’t but I do.

    Reply

  13. all this shit is really fucking stupid!!! stop being fucking stupid all of you!!! fucking imature bored fucks!

    Reply

  14. You spelled immature wrong!

    Reply

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