Astrology and Serial Killers. Born Under a Bad Sign Part II
May 29, 2009 | Lists
Ever wonder why you never see, “Taurus, you will cease to be your household’s primary breadwinner after falling down a flight of stairs around lunchtime” in your daily horoscope? Focusing only on the positive allows astrologers to hedge their bets, put clients in a good mood (without spiking their herbal tea) and ensure selective thinking—remembering the favorable and ignoring everything else. “Jeez, when Mario the Most Magnificent said I’d meet the love of my life, he was spot on”, rather than “too bad she ended up sleeping with my best friend.”
Whenever astrology doesn’t correspond nicely with occupation, personality, marriage, divorce, suicide, the wearing of gaudy jewelery (OK, we made that last one up), psychics complain that focusing solely on sun signs grossly underestimates underlying complexity, like trying to drive after 8 beers.
‘Time twin studies’, those that look at people born 5 minutes apart, provide helpful information about astrological personality claims. In a study by Dean and Kelly, 2000 + people born on average 4.8 minutes apart, were studied using a whole battery of tests: IQ, reading, personality inventories, sociability, anxiety, etc, etc, etc, (variables such as age of mother, length of labor, people who might’ve been drinking during pregnancy [and potentially birthing the next generation of astrologers], were controlled). The researchers found that: “The strong similarities predicted by astrology were simply not there”.
That being said, we did notice in our research a scant number of Libra serial killers, and more born earlier in the year and that got us thinking, what if serial killers aren’t randomly distributed among the Planets of the Zodiac? If you’re hitchhiking on a lonely stretch of road, should you ask for a sign? Let’s have a look at a few more bloodthirsty maniacal serial killers and see…
LIBRA (September 22 to October 23)
Serial Killer: Lawrence Sigmund Bittaker (Born: September 27, 1940)
Killer capsule: Pittsburgh-born sadist, rapist and multiple murderer, currently on death row. Threw one victim off a cliff after strangling her (in retrospect probably the most effective order of operations) and used a coat hanger and ice picks for commission of heinous crimes usually reserved for Godfathers I, II and III.
Astrological Profile Highlights. “You can usually trust a Libran too—at least you know they will almost always have good intentions.”
What was that about how the road to hell was paved? Maybe it was a misprint and referred to ‘librarians’.
“You love to use your intellect socially”
Bittaker’s IQ, like many serial killers, was high enough to qualify for MENSA, though jotting down “Enjoy killing innocent strangers with an icepick” on the form, wouldn’t exactly have endeared him to the selection committee.
Incredibly, Bittaker receives fan mail. He signs off on replies with the charming salutation ‘Pliers Bittaker’.
The point is, Librans “usually know exactly what to say and when to say it”.
Shares a birthday with: Quaker Oats man and famous diabetic Wilford Brimley, Avril Lavigne, and Lil’ Wayne.
SCORPIO: (October 23 to 22 November)
Serial Killer: David Parker Ray, born November 6, 1939.
Killer Capsule: The ‘Toy Box Killer’, so named because of the $100,000 torture chamber he built in his house. Sentenced to an astounding 224 years in prison for torture and the kind of sexual sadism that makes the back pages of the Village Voice look like an ad for a Mormon social. This all took place in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, the name of which apparently derives from the television game show, so its suitability as a name for a serial killer’s stomping ground was coincidental.
Astrological Profile Highlights. “Have you ever met a prudish Scorp? I really don’t think I have.”
David Parker Ray is certainly no exception. Ray used whips, chains, pulleys, straps, clamps, leg spreader bars, and surgical blades and saws in his New Mexico torture chamber.
Shares a birthday with: James Caan, Maria Shriver and Rebecca Romijin
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21)
Serial Killer: Ted Bundy, born November 24, 1946.
Killer Capsule: Bundy, who committed 30 murders, and bore a slight resemblance to Neil Diamond (please see our list of the Top 5 Acts of Karaoke-influenced Violence), the University of Puget Sound law student could not focus on his studies, what with all the skipping of classes to go a-murderin’. Like a guy parking illegally in a handicapped spot, he used crutches to evoke sympathy, and then slammed crowbars off the heads of unsuspecting good Samaritans. Lesson learned: do not help anyone ever.
Astrological Profile Highlights: “You may not always show your friends and lovers the ‘sunny’ side of life, but with your ability to handle extremes and your capacity to feel profoundly, you teach the rest of us a little more about what it means to be human – dark side and all.”
This last bit could’ve been entered into his defense (Bundy acted as his own attorney and even cross-examined witnesses, which would’ve been the first instance in the history of jurisprudence in which a witness sought witness-protection from an officer of the court in the middle of trial proceedings)
“You’re not interested in skirting around tough subjects”.
Bundy granted an interview with Focus on the Family’s James Dobson, the day before his execution, although critics point out if he was really tough he would’ve opted for the more tear-jerking style of Babs Walters.
“Won’t shy away from the truth just because it’s not exactly what you or others want to hear.”
In a move that shocked many, Ted Bundy (who did not in any way inspire Al Bundy from Married with Children) blamed the root of his psychopathy on soft core porn, which, if this is the really the case, means late night TV can be blamed for more than just impulse buys.
Shares a birthday with: Mobster Charles “Lucky” Luciano, comedian Billy Connolly, and writer Arundhati Roy.
CAPRICORN (December 21 to January 20)
Killer Capsule: Charles ‘Can I buy a vowel and a Stay of Execution’ Ng enlisted in the Marine Corps in 1980 and served for less than one year before being dishonorably discharged for theft of heavy weaponry and machine guns in Hawaii. With his buddy Leonard Lake (a good friend helps you move, a great friend helps you move a body) he murdered an unknown number of men, women and children at his rural California home that was equipped with a fortified bunker creepily employed as a holding cell.
Astrological Profile Highlights:
“You are someone who can teach others lessons and also someone who learns by the lessons life teaches you. You have the ability to see the facts of a situation and to face up to them.”
The troubled loner who was repeatedly expelled from various schools, proves that there are indeed different styles of learning.
“If you can keep their cool in the middle of mayhem, you are a Capricorn.”‘
Shares a birthday with: Ryan Seacrest, Ricky Martin and Ava Gardner
AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18)
Serial Killer: John Lee Malvo, the Beltway Sniper, born February 18, 1985.
Killer Capsule: Made people afraid to pump their own gas, like snotty rich women. The Jamaican illegal (“Jamaican me crazy!”) terrorized Washington, Maryland and Virginia. Eventually busted, probably because of partner John Allen Muhammad, a known Sagittarius (Aquarians are most compatible with Libra and Gemini)
Astrological Profile Highlights:
“Be careful of a tendency to drive people away when you would rather they came closer.”
That may be, but remember, he was a ‘Beltway Sniper’ and not a ‘Beltway Rolling Pin Beater’.
“Sometimes you have a tendency to come across as a teensy bit unapproachable or even detached. Sometimes you might seem just a little bit disconnected from others.”
Like most people who spend an inordinate amount of time hanging out at gas stations who don’t work there, the Beltway Sniper was a bit detached from the realities of the bigger, non-service-station-related-lifestyle big picture, that’s for sure.
Shares a birthday with: Yoko Ono,Vanna White and John Travolta
PISCES (February 18 to March 20)
Serial Killer: John Wayne Gacy, born March 17, 1942.
Killer Capsule: Killer Clown John Wayne Gacy did more damage to his profession from a PR standpoint, than would-be lawyer Ted Bundy did to his (people have been disgusted and terrified of lawyers since the signing of the Magna Carta). Gruesome Gacy buried 27 boys under his crawlspace. He seemed an affable gent and was widely respected in the community, charming and easy to get along with, attributes we in no way cribbed from his online ‘prison dating’ profile.
Astrological Profile Highlights:
“Uber-business man Rupert Murdoch is one of you”.
That Murdoch could be a cannibal clown on the side while running one of the most powerful media enterprises on the planet, would be a marvel in multitasking and not wholly out of character.
“You have a tough veneer and a sharp suit”.
The clown suit was considerably sharper than the uni Gacy would’ve sported as a KFC manager in Iowa.
“Listen to your intuition because it has much to teach you”.
We’ll see if his brain, removed by a Chicago-area forensic psychiatrist, will do the same or at least help explain why clowning is inherently unfunny or why Gacy didn’t turn to Italian light-opera.
Shares a birthday with: Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins, ballet legend Rudolf Nureyev and actor Kurt Russell