January 7, 2009 | Lists,Religion

We  Shark Guys have yet to fully get over our New Year’s hangovers, or perhaps to be more accurate: we have yet to fully sober up. As children with paper routes, we were the kind of guys who would offer some kid’s half-wit younger brother a Snicker’s bar and a promise of plenty more where that came from to complete the route in three-feet deep snow while we alternated between sipping hot cocoa  while surveying the scene and chortling every time he fell in the snow and giving those plump Italian plumbers a good workout through the world of Super Mario.

Enlisting someone else to do our work is nothing new to us and we’re shocked we didn’t think of doing it before here — we have yet to enlist the aid of a guest blogger, or at least, given them a byline . The decision on who our first was going to be was a tough one. We received many promising-sounding pitches from those in some of this continent’s finer correctional facilities and we may have become millionaires in some sort of sweepstakes — in which case we’ll be off for a good debauch with a wad of cash so big our first order of business will be to choke a horse with it.

In the end, we settled on Mordoo The Magnifique [left] a Thai mystic who was the first to teach Noel how to prospect for treasure on Thai beaches and also which island bar is least likely to be frequented by those who would Bogart that joint my friend.

Let’s face it 2008 was a pretty shite year, but what does this year hold in store? Take it away Mordoo! (translated from the original Thai entrail-reading lingo):

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Friends, seers, revelators, undressers of the truth or those merely peering into the truth’s bedroom while she’s undressing and you’re in a condo across the street with a high-powered telescope and the lights off –  I have been asked by The Shark Guys through some kind of barter arrangement I didn’t fully understand, to look into that filthy tea mug of mine and communicate the visions that emerge from it so that you can steer yourself through 2009′s storms. It will be a rocky year at sea my friends, the kind of rockiness that inevitably results in tragic headlines in the following day’s newspapers and years of legal wrangling and calls for tighter safety regulations and mandatory life-jackets.

Here then, are the visions that have come to me for the calendar year 2009. I originally wanted to order them according to their numerological and astrological relevance, but since neither of my employers is versed in Egyptian hieroglyphs, I have opted for the more common Top 10 (though there are only nine) style they favor. [the number 10, it comes as no surprise to my faithful readership, will see its swan song in 09]

2009 Truth # 9 — Cats will begin to enjoy being in the water: In a shocking evolutionary development, cats will no longer freak out and claw your face off when you hold them over your pool during a drunken family barbecue and threaten to dump them in. In 2009, they will need no such prompting. Cats everywhere will be hopping into bodies of water, paddling merrily and purring because they are so happy.

2009 Truth # 8 — Buses will no longer admit the poor: You heard it here first: buses — traditionally the conveyance of the down at heel — will bar their doors to anyone who isn’t at least a little bit wealthy. Since even a credit-crunched rich person would sooner spoon out an eyeball than be seen on a bus, this will result in hordes of people walking everywhere, and you can expect some mighty well-turned calves and firm buttocks as a result.

2009 Truth #7 — Undertakers will get grossed out and quit en masse: In darker times, plagues were started because bodies were left outdoors to rot or dumped in the nearest stream, poisoning the drinking water and giving whole populations the kind of Montezuma’s Revenge that is final. Then along came the mysterious breed of person known as the undertaker, someone in a nice suit who offers to dispose of the dead for you for a reasonable fee and leaves all the horrible gruesome stuff for behind closed doors. This year though the plagues of yesteryear may return as undertakers everywhere will finally clue in to just how gross the work they do is. A tide of awareness will sweep throughout the industry with undertakers everywhere wondering: Why am I shoving a cork up this dead guy’s ass to extract his one remaining earthly fart when I could be the recreation director on a cruise ship?

2009 Truth #6 — It will be OK to litter in national parks: Visiting national parks is great — you get to see glorious nature and escape the concrete maze in which we — as rats in this particular analogy — race. They bring us back to simpler times for our species when we were masturbating in tree tops and wondering which other ape we’d most like to smash. But enjoying nature comes at a price — namely the exorbitant fine that some wannabe cop park ranger with an encyclopedic knowledge of  bear droppings will dole out-and what the consequences are of throwing an empty six pack into a salmon run. In 2009, the rule will be “Ah eff it, let fly. The wind’ll probably blow it somewhere.”

2009 Truth #5 — That weird guy who sat behind you in school will become a revered prophet: Remember that weird guy, the one with the crossed eyes and a head on him that was so big you wondered how the tiny body underneath it didn’t collapse with strain? Yeah? Does the thought of that guy, even after all these years, still kind of give you the creeps? Me too, but he will be revealed in 2009 to be an almighty profit with extraordinary powers and he will take over all world religions. He will hold power over billions and you may be called on to fornicate with him. Deny him the booty at your peril.

2009 Truth #4 — Weather — all types in all places: 2009 will see various cloud formations forming over various land formations in various hemispheres of this planet we call Earth for lack of a better name. The sea will also conspire with various winds to create waves that may cause someone somewhere to vomit over the side of a boat. Someone else on that same boat may then wonder if that person really was sea sick, or if they had unwittingly married an alcoholic.

2009 Truth #3 — Everyone gets a recording contract: Good news aspiring musical artists: record companies will go for it this year by awarding every citizen his or her own lucrative recording contract. All citizens will be brought into the studio and asked to write lyrics, compose music and take part in the post production for their own self-titled debut album. While a real plus for those waiting for that one big break, it’s terrible news for those with tin ears and/or no musical aspirations whatsoever. Even those who don’t want a recording contract will be forced to sign one and refusal to perform could result in some guy just out on parole coming over to break your knees on behalf of an upset producer “who has a lot riding on this.”

2009 Truth #2 — Siamese Cats Turn out to be Polish: Returning to the feline world, it will be discovered via DNA testing and responses to stimulus such as pierogies and photos of the Kaczynski twins that Siamese cats are actually from Poland, not Thailand. They haven’t understood a word of anything for the past 150 years, and will be happy to see the end of all those bloody rice and noodle-based dishes.

2009 Truth #1 — Something Wicked This Way Comes:I hate to leave things on an eerie note, but did you hear that noise? No it’s not the creaky staircase that cheap ass landlord refuses to replace. And no it’s not just the wind blowing through this drafty heating-nightmare of a house. Something wicked this way comes. I ain’t sure what it is and it doesn’t turn up in photographs — regardless of whether they are taken using a digital or film camera. But I know this: it’s wicked, and it’s coming THIS way. Take all necessary precautions and in the words of my hero, that entirely accurate and perfectly specific prognosticator Michel De Nostradame: Put your head between your legs and smooch your own arse bye-bye!