20 Worst City Names in North America: You Can’t Beat a Dead Horse, Alaska

July 30, 2008 | Lists

"Town of Asbestos"

WORST CITY NAMES

At the risk of never being given the keys to the city of Crapo Maryland, where you might not to want to open anything anyway, namely a business, there are some places that are just plain unappealing to the ear—as opposed to say, the state of Indiana*, which is unappealing to each of the other senses as well.
[*Editor's note: It could be worse. It could be farther away from its main selling point---proximity to Chicago]

There are towns that for whatever reason struck ‘appeal to tourists’ off the local chamber of commerce agendas, watched the Rotarians rotate their wheels out of Dodge and whose mayors are currently in the process of decommissioning our welcome wagons.

These are places where a road sign pointing to them, even with the gas tank registering near empty, would have you lead foot it down the interstate and take your chances getting stranded somewhere while some maniac with a billhook muttering something about ‘city folk’ chops you into the next episode of CSI.

WORST CITY NAMES IN NORTH AMERICA

Now, at the risking of offending anyone outside Indiana state lines (a state so ugly it should be annexed, partitioned and sold off to the highest bidder–perhaps if a sultan in Bahrain needs somewhere to work out the finer points of his Ferrari’s 5-speed transmission) we should note that we’ve never actually been to any of the offending towns on account of never experiencing break pad trouble anywhere in their vicinity, (though one of us sped through Gary quite quickly) but we’re sure they’re all lovely places.

1. Dildo, Newfoundland. The stagette gift that turns party-goers into short-form improvisational comedians, and if the party is held at an upper end restaurant will result in a board of health citation, this device is also the most embarrassing item that can be seized at customs (doubly so if you’re a man and with any sort of standing in the community, say the comptroller for Lizard Lick, NC)

2. Flushing, New York, Drain, Oregon. Two names that refer to sending something through pipes, like say, E. coli through your intestines or a hole that attracts flies, these plumbing-themed dud monikers are a plunger and a snake away from causing serious water damage to your bathroom tiles and your psyche.

3. Bald Knob, Arkansas. A particular sexual predilection detailed in the back pages of the Village Voice, or an insult hurled out the window at a chrome-dome trucker who cut you off.

4. Dead Horse, Alaska. What more could we say about it without invoking the phrase? If your town is a ‘one horse’ one, better make sure the beast isn’t glue factory-bound.

5. Hellhole, Idaho / Hell, Michigan. ‘Hell’ might mean bright in German, but these name choices aren’t. If Hell was at a lower latitude, instead of Michigan, at least in the summer it would lend itself to ‘It’s hotter than Hell”, “No it isn’t” repartee.

6. Crapo, Maryland. Indeed.

7. Asbestos, Quebec. Like Fleatown (below), don’t make any long term plans to stay. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the asbestos kitchen. Can explain the high absentee level due to incarceration/death at your next high school reunion.

8. Red Lick, Mississippi French Lick, Indiana, Lizard Lick, North Carolina. Larry Bird may have put French Lick on the map, but technical fouls all around and a clang off the irons for these burgs.

9. Dismal, Tennessee.
1. obsolete : disastrous, dreadful
2: showing or causing gloom or depression
3: lacking merit : particularly bad

10. Hicksville, New York. Probably not the most sophisticated center for learning and culture.

11. Boogertown, North Carolina. One good thing about Boogertown, is that it’s in Gaston County, Cito Gaston having captained the Toronto Blue Jays to back to back World Series wins. This may be a stretch, but why don’t YOU come up with something for a substance a construction worker shoots out his left nostril.

12. Fleatown, Ohio. Brought in from a curbside mattress. Don’t make any motel reservations.

13. Boring, Oregon. Truth in advertising. Oregon town uses Salt Lake City Utah’s de facto title.<

14. Ogle, Kentucky. You may want to think twice about using the hotel pool. A creepy uncle at a 4-H jamboree, whose hugs linger on a little too long.

15. Hardup, Utah, Blueball Pennsylvania. When it comes to new names, these towns aren’t gettin’ any and neither are you.

16. Spread Eagle, Wisconsin. A city that’s tough on crime, but leaves you feeling compromised.
 

17. Rudeville, New Jersey. A ten-cent tip town.

18. Lynch, Kentucky / Swastika, Ontario. Not exactly doing wonders for the tourism industry, and hopefully not given to showing civic pride through parades. Even in Lynchburg, TN, where they make Jack Daniels, you can’t drown your sorrows as the county’s a dry one.

19. Downer, Minnesota. Dismal, TN’s sister city.

20. Recluse, Wyoming. Along with ‘no fixed address’ and ‘loner’ this term makes up the serial killer trifecta.

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Comments

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  1. Truth or Consequences, New Mexico

    Reply

  2. How about:

    Climax, MI
    Gay, MI
    Christmas, MI

    And… the city of Eden, MI is not far from Hell, MI. Imagine that.

    Reply

  3. Kinda the same as Crapo, Maryland…but, there’s also a Crapaud, PE. And it’s pronounced the same :]

    Reply

  4. How about Kickapoo, Texas… or better yet, Dumas, Texas

    Reply

  5. cockburn island, canada. its some where in the waters of the great lakes on the right side of Michigan… I remember seeing it on a map in a class of Michigan history about 10 years ago

    Reply

  6. As much as it may harm my reputation as a stud (note to self: develop reputation as stud) to admit this. I’ve been to Dildo and it was pretty fun. Of course, as often is the case when Dildo is involved, there was a LOT of alcohol involved …

    Reply

  7. Haha…
    Well done…

    Speaking of Canada\’s east coast…we neglected to mention Placentia Bay, Newfoundland…too close to \’placenta\’ for comfort…

    Reply

  8. I liked Boring, personally. :)

    Reply

  9. I cant believe that they left Toad Suck, Arkansas off this list.

    Reply

  10. while “it’s hotter than hell” doesnt really work it does add a new meaning to the phrase “when hell freezes over”

    Reply

  11. and what about bucksnort, TN and monkeys eyebrow, KY

    Reply

  12. truth or consequences, nm.
    mianus, ct.
    goochland, va.

    Reply

  13. Intercourse, PA

    Reply

  14. Dorking, Ontario

    Reply

  15. Knob Lick , Missouri! Beat that! Just a small town south of Farmington!

    Reply

  16. Buttzville, NJ

    Reply

  17. You forgot,

    Myanus, it is a name somewhere in the states.
    I saw this in a jackass movie.

    Reply

  18. Gnaw Bone, IN. Flea Market Capitol of the World.

    Reply

  19. Missed
    Bird In Hand (only a few miles from Blue Ball) and Intercourse

    Reply

  20. Athol, Idaho – Just like you think it should sound!

    Reply

  21. Beaver Lick and Big Bone Lick near Cincinnati

    Reply

  22. Toad Suck, Arkansas—

    Reply

  23. I see you did not explore KENTUCKY Stinging Creek,BEAR WALLOW,tHOUSAND STICKS I COUD GO ON AND ON

    Reply

  24. I saw this one the other day
    “Lake in the Hills, IL” weird….

    Reply

  25. Dont forget Humptulips, WA

    Reply

  26. How about

    Gay, Michigan

    Reply

  27. How about Coalinga, California often referred to as Coalingus

    Reply

  28. seman al

    booger hollow al

    slapout al
    frogeye al
    fleahop al
    shall i go on?

    Reply

  29. Beth: Yes, please do.

    Reply

  30. Huh, lived in Ontario for years and hadn’t come across Swastika, ON. Nice post.

    Reply

  31. Slaughter Beach, Delaware.

    Reply

  32. In Kentucky there is Big Bone Lick State Park very near a small town called Beaver Kick. Look it up!

    Reply

  33. Utah also is home to Virgin, Utah, as well as Beaver. When driving I-15, one travel Fillmore, Virgin, Beaver on the way to Vegas.

    Reply

  34. i live near a place called BEAVER DICK PARK, just outside of Rexburg idaho.

    Reply

  35. What about:

    Sugar Tit, South Carolina
    Boogertown, North Carolina
    Disappointment, Kentucky
    Hookersville, West Virginia
    Whiskey Dick Mountain, Washington
    Blowhard, Australia

    And of course:

    Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Wales
    Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu, New Zealand

    Reply

  36. Nipples, New York

    Reply

  37. Cumstin, Texas

    Reply

  38. Sacksanhole, New Jersey

    Reply

  39. What’s wrong with Indiana? You are such an asshole.

    Reply

  40. Are you KIDDING ME?! Good shark sirs, I live in Kentucky. And we got your weird city/town names covered. We make most of these on your list look like Barney lyrics.

    Possum Trot, Monkey’s Eyebrow, Licking Fork (YES, it’s real)… I could go on, but I doubt my opinion matters much. Lol

    Reply

  41. These are great. You might want to check out this blog for even more:

    http://reallyweirdplacenames.blogspot.com/

    Reply

  42. I actually used to live in Lake in the Hills, Illinois.

    Reply

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