20 Fighting Tips

September 3, 2009 | Lists


Even in a hero’s heart, Discretion is the better part
Charles Churchill

Have you ever found yourself in a bar or a street fight, with no recourse but to back down, notify a proper authority and basically defer to the candy-ass sentiments expressed above? Well, you’ve come to the right place as these 20 simple fighting techniques can easily replace some of your martial arts belts that could double as a cincture around an opponent’s neck if you followed the proper instructions from the video

[Editors’ note: we are currently working on an instructional video ourselves, Make Passive Aggression Active, wherein we offer a series of tips for how best household implements, fashion accessories and other everyday objects can be deployed to incapacitate an assailant].

Hot on the heels of our Elevator Rules (nobody should throw down in these confined spaces) we bring you these simple techniques, which, if followed correctly, could mean avoiding the kind of beat-down that might not be covered by your HMO.

1. Do not fistfight in flip flops.

2. The bigger they are, the slower they run. A pretty good rule of thumb (speaking of rules, remember, thumbs and eye sockets do not mix), this is especially true  if running downhill. Also, you can elude some of your burlier assailants by  running diagonally (This might also be true for bears—see Stephen Colbert‘s thoughts on those “soulless, godless, rampaging killing machines”)

3. Strike first, ask questions later. Actually, best not to ask questions at all as this arouses suspicion. It depends who is asked what and in what tone of voice. It’s also possible, though potentially confusing, to subtly pose questions but not using the syntactic form of a question.

4. It’s best to attempt mediation first unless your attacker has all the bonhomie of a guy who renews drivers’ licenses. If this is the case, see 3 above.

5. Foreign objects are acceptable, however if you break a beer bottle on the bar, make sure nobody is nursing a pint in the immediate, flying shard vicinity.

6. Never slap another man when you can punch him instead.

7. If you violate the above, never turn your back on your adversary (of course, this is only true if you’re not adhering to rule number 2. If this is the case, bolt before any face reddening occurs—your opponent’s or your own as it’s embarrassing for one man to slap another)

8. Never throw punches in a fitted shirt unless it’s an uppercut or short cross, as there is less likelihood of the kind of tearing seen with a haymaker.

9. On a related note, use uppercuts sparingly as nobody throws uppercuts in a street fight, unless they’re paying special attention to the above.

10. Never showcase martial arts, especially ones that involve kicking, as kicks will invariably miss and draw laughs from the assembled. If drawing laughs is motivation, employ a slap, which, depending on how much alcohol has been consumed, will mean less likelihood of hitting the floor before actual contact with the opponent

11. If a set of keys are handy, get them out as it’s easier to run to your getaway vehicle. On a related note, these can also be jabbed into an opponent’s eye, groin or midsection, provided they’re house keys (car keys are made of less dense material and if these are compromised by an opponent’s eye, groin or midsection it will mean a long walk home)

12. A gentleman removes his hat first (this does not apply to ball caps as gentlemen don’t wear these). Caveat: Fedora-wearers should have their asses kicked on principle.

13. Make a good show about wanting to break free of interceders, even if your face feels like the floor after Riverdance and you want no more part of the action.

14. Only back off if a Good Samaritan, drunk buddies and possibly a cop break it up, never if a woman does. Women should never break up fights, unless of course, they are the combatants, and wet lettuce and bikinis are somehow involved.

15. Never hit someone who is down, unless there is a pretty compelling reason for doing so.

16. Never fight in a suit. If attired thusly, remove the blazer portion first, carefully folded or hung over the nearest chair. Fold sleeves over the breast pocket, and flip the bottom of the blazer over the front, to form a rectangle, time permitting.

17. Never fight a bouncer, unless of course, you really want to, have already paid the cover charge and cannot get it refunded

18.  Certainly never fight with a cop, unless you’ve already went ahead and done #17.

19. If contact is made with your mug, do not check for blood, assume spouting like a hemophiliac (if only a glancing blow is incurred, NEVER check for blood).

20. Never throw a mixed drink in anyone’s face—it’s more sporting out of respect for your opponent, to make sure it’s straight up.

Buy the New E-Book Tastes Like Human


10 Responses | | Comments Feed

  1. It strikes me that Mr. Churchill, as pictured, could do well to find a new tailor rather than being a roustabout in the neighborhood pubs.

  2. I have a good addition to your top 20 college mascot names. We should make it 21. How about the Heidelburg (OH) university student princes. Sounds like a group of people just waiting to get beat up like they did in high school!

  3. The first one is hilarious, because I just got into a little scuffle at the college bar the other night, and dropped a decent sized kid after my size 13 flip flop kicked his nuts.

  4. whoever wrote this dont know shit a good tip since eveyone looked for tips is drop your left in a hook motion and throw a fucking right hook all of your tips a gay learn to fight and get a life

    • Learn English.

    • He is right. These are completely wrong unless your goal is to look like an idiot. This looks like a couple of 5th graders tried to figure out how to fight based on their lack of true intelligence.

  5. fuck this website and all of you bitch users!

    • Fuck urself cz u r also a user of this site

  6. ok, don’t fight but 4 a last resort, this is 65% true and 35% false so if ur desperate do this otherwise just be respectful, unless for life or death and believe you will win

  7. I use a gun and win

Feed     Email     Facebook     Follow on Twitter


"Often irreverent and outrageous ... and always funny."
Buy the New E-Book Tastes Like Human
"Fast and funny with the facts, without the morality."
Buy the 1st Shark Book

Popular Posts


Recent Comments

Recent Posts