15 Reasons Why Running is Terrible
Sporting Lycra and wearing a number is most commonly associated with the bikini portion of the more lecher-pleasing beauty pageants, but an event that is far less sexy and less likely to result in someone weeping for 20 years into a bowl of cake mix after being named Miss Congeniality is a marathon. Recently, traffic ground to a halt while Toronto recreated the scene of thousands of Japanese fleeing Godzilla with the city’s annual marathon.
Most of the time a marathon has positive connotations: consecutive hours of quality programming without having to give your offspring a buck to get the remote, for example. But Toronto runners’ recent scramble through the city made those of us who are only apt to run after being pulled over consider just how distasteful running really is. So, toss those Nike cross-trainers in the spin cycle before donating them to the needy and join us at a leisurely pace as we offer 15 Reasons Why Running is Terrible.
1. Everyone loves a parade, but a marathon is basically just a really lousy parade.
2. Jogging is bad for you. Gallivanting around the neighborhood sucking up car exhaust while breathing heavily is why more joggers stroke than lifelong lumps who do nothing but provide further definition to the ass groove they’ve made on their couches. That’s not us talking, it’s science.
3. Jogging is not aesthetically pleasing. A jogger’s flushed mug looks like someone who’s just eaten a salmonella-laced oyster, been on the receiving end of a Heimlich or had an orgasm, except without the benefit of the latter’s good time or post-coital Marlboro.
4. Jogging is basketball minus the hoop, court, ball and the camaraderie. Actually, it’s the removal of any potentially enjoyable aspect of any sport that requires motion.
5. With 12,000 participants, you cannot bet on a marathon and therefore, it’s not a sport.
6. The fashion. Elastic waistbands are bad, but stretch Lycra pants are verboten outside the confines of a strip club with a happy hour. [Editor’s note: beware strip clubs that have a happy hour as there should be no extra need to drum up business]
7. Jogging is to sprinting what T-Ball is to baseball—perhaps not the strongest example as you break more of a sweat deciding what to tip an attractive waitress than you do playing baseball, but nonetheless—like T-ball, jogging is lazy and egalitarian. Unlike sprinting, which involves competition and athleticism, the winner of a marathon is decided by whoever doesn’t immediately require an IV drip.
8. Spandex and fanny packs. While it’s true, this ensemble could be found any given morning before a shopping mall opens, it’s endemic in jogging. Worse still is when it’s done with those ski pole things, which we believe is called “Nordic Running”, whose complex origins date back to when mainland Europeans fled raping and pillaging Vikings.
9. It’s antisocial. Marathoning is the only “sport” (since we’re employing such a lax definition of sport here, feel free to include skipping stones on a lake or wolfing down a 72-ounce steak for a prize) that is completely solitary, yet requires absolutely no skill whatsoever—this differentiates it from golf or swimming — unskilled swimming is called “drowning”.
10. If you’re going to play a game of, say, football or rugby, you can’t just swap it for a cab ride—unlike a marathon.
11. Unlike some sports in which people die while competing — auto racing and boxing, for example — a marathon is the only one that fells competitors both during and after it takes place. If you see a Formula 1 racer drop dead after he’s uncorked the bubbly, it’s because he’s been shot.
12. A marathon is the only sport where the participants outnumber the spectators. If a mass of thousands of people is running in any particular direction, there better be a tsunami.
13. Jogging is always done at creepy hours. There is no conceivable reason to forgo an hour’s sleep to get up at the crack of dawn and roam the streets unless you’re a particularly gung-ho pervert, postal worker or hobo. Jogging in the evening when the rest of society is busy camped out in front of their televisions or boozing it up is also antisocial [see 8] .
14. It upsets dogs. The quiet of more than one suburban street has been disturbed by a passing jogger hoofing by and this being noticed by every second house’s dog. The baying hounds then ruin the good sleep that sane people enjoy late Saturday mornings.
15. The so-called “Runner’s High”. Getting high normally is all about convenience, the kind that doesn’t involve testing municipal pet bylaws with an errant step. Humans have spent thousands of years perfecting the fine art of distilling spirits, brewing beer and carefully processing and cultivating things that provide a high without having to break in a pair of arch supports or venture outdoors.