March 25, 2009 | Lists
The queue behind granny at the soup stand
As regular readers and his immediate neighbors might be aware, Shark Guy Noel makes his home in Bangkok Thailand. He’s often asked to compare Thailand with Canada, and he would rather just send along this URL the next time that question comes up:
1) In Toronto, if you ride a motorcycle it means you either belong to a motorcycle gang or you’re a computer programmer going through a midlife crisis. In Bangkok, grandma makes her morning soup run on the back of one.
2) In Toronto $20 will get you four pints maximum in the cheapest bar you can find and the contempt of the bartender you refuse to tip “on principle”. In Bangkok that same 20 could get you snake-eye drunk with plenty left over for that mandatory taxi ride home.
3) In Toronto, getting pulled over by a cop could mean having to take a half-day at work to go to court and fight a bogus ticket. In Bangkok, one copper palm quickly greased sees you on your way with no bureaucratic trail behind you. Bonus points if you can speak Thai and get the fine lowered by saying you were hurrying back to your pregnant wife or, better, a sick elder relation of hers.
4) In Toronto, putting ice in a person’s beer is a karate-chop-in-the-throat-worthy offence, akin to dipping your toe in it. In Bangkok, you put ice in your beer on a really hot day to keep it from tasting like bath water.
In Bangkok it's so hot it occasionally rains fire.
5) In Toronto, it gets extremely hot for approximately 11 minutes in early August, people drop dead and there’s talk of bringing in military relief. In Bangkok, it’s close to that hot for a good chunk of the year — such is life in the tropics — and the military is only called in if a coup needs to be thrown.
6) In Toronto, the addition of a subway line the length of an extra-long tape measure was a major step forward after decades of talk. In Bangkok, an entire new and convenient subway line was completed in a far shorter time, but had a (minor) crash in its first days of operation…. You decide.
7) In Toronto, many transvestites looks like the guys from To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. In Bangkok, that tall woman you just whistled at from a passing car could be one.
8) One of Bangkok‘s best known parks was donated by an infamous sex massage parlour tycoon who, tired of the extortion, decided to name and shame top police officials, this before becoming an MP and bringing a bathtub to parliament saying he would clean it up. In Toronto, the local park was named after a guy about as interesting as your great Uncle Boring Fred.
9) In Bangkok, there are few high-profile positions more meaningless than that of governor (equivalent of mayor). In Toronto, stay in the mayor’s chair for long enough and people could be figure-skating past your statue.
A scene from the happy happy coup coup of 2006.
10) In Toronto, if you smile at a stranger you could end up on an RCMP watchlist. In Bangkok, the guy taking the toll at the shitter will give you a grin.
11) In Toronto, a government monopoly means you need to haul your frozen ass out to the nearest government sanctioned beer or liquor store at times the government deems suitable for your intoxication, and be happy that the Dalton McWimpy government thinks a monopoly is a good idea [See our take on the LCBO and Beer Store monopoly]. Bangkok‘s population likes nothing better than the challenge of a good law to break and you will never shit again if you’re the kind of minister who gets constipated a the thought of someone flouting your anti-drinking legislation.
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The hookers in Bangkok speak better English.
You can get better food on the street in Bangkok, than you can in a restaurant in Toronto.
I am caring to show my appreciation for your informative comparisons. As i am a fan of To Wong Fu i am wanting to know where i can find such admirable ladyboys in Toronto – preferably one with a big pair of real firm hooters and a fetish for milk bottles and pampers.
Thank you in advance.
Thank you Ahmed.
Such a piece would give new meaning to the term ‘service journalism’.
observations of a tourist! If your interests are limited to cheap beer and hookers of indeterminate gender, enjoy.
To BKK:
Please see first p.g. “Shark Guy Noel makes his home in Bangkok Thailand.” One could also add to that, “speaks fluent Thai”.
And one could also add to that BAAK MAA!!!
LOL. I’ve never been to Toronto, but I’ve been to Bangkok. Sounds right to me!
Agree with bkk. Tourist or not, though, booze and trannies? Yes: Enjoy.
canadians themselves are o.k. it’s the national identity that’s so deadly dull! There is no ballsiness to it, just a self satisfied P.C. attitude. i find it soul sapping.
To tony:
It’s called being polite. Being rude and obnoxious is not a personality.