October 10, 2010 | Heroes
“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” George Carlin (1937-2008)Carlin’s humor was not the, “You ever notice how after you do a wash, there’s always that one sock missing? Where did it go? Let’s explore that theme for the next five insufferable minutes!” kind, or some similar bland inoffensive pap that is likely to get the teller a sitcom, but unlikely to challenge the person hearing the joke any more than the morning garden program on only-seniors-and-lunatics-are-up-at-this-godforsaken-hour community radio.
Carlin was different. He challenged people with his comedy. He went to jail to challenge people with his comedy (the pictures above aren’t film stills). Both of us grew up with hilarious Carlin bits on everything from growing up Irish Catholic, to people who ought to be killed (Part One, Part Two) why is there no blue food?, to a breakdown of the Ten Commandments that even Christopher Hitchens might have envied, and many others. George Carlin is gone but he has left a wealth of material behind that will be howled at and, more importantly, thought about for years to come. Here are some George Carlin quotes on drinking, partying, and the best analysis of Snow White’s Seven Dwarfs that we’ve yet come across:
“And this should go without saying. That’s why I’m going to say it: Drinking and driving don’t mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.
Napalm and Silly Putty
“The radio ad said “Hi, I’m Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don’t drink and drive. I don’t.” Well, I hope you don’t drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You’re blind, for God’s sake!”
Ten Things That Piss Me Off
[Relevant entries from] “People I can do without. This is my list: A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination…Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast… A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin!”
What Am I Doing in New Jersey?
“The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone… Happy, that’s all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy. Too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He’s always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was, Bashful. Bashful didn’t use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn’t need any help on that ladder.”
Nursery Rhymes, Toledo Window Box
“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck”
“I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: “People who smoke will eventually cough up small brown pieces of lung.” And “Warning! Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”
“You never meet a wino with perfect pitch.”
“I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.”
“Let’s stop underage drinking before it starts.” Please explain this to me. It sounds tricky.”
“When a masochist brings someone home from the bar, does he say, “Excuse me a moment, I’m going to slip into something uncomfortable”?
“When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.”
“I’d hate to be an alcoholic with Alzheimer’s. Imagine needing a drink and forgetting where you put it. ”
And on that note…
“What is all this shit about angels? Have you heard this? Three out of four people now, believe in angels. What’re you, fuckin’ stupid? Has everybody lost their fuckin’ minds in this country? Angels, shit. You know what I think it is? I think it’s a massive collective psychotic chemical flashback of all the drugs – all the drugs – smoked, swallowed, snorted, shot, and absorbed rectally by all Americans from 1960 to 1990. Thirty years of adulterated street drugs’ll get you some fuckin’ angels, my friend.”
Angels, You Are All Diseased
“I’ve begun worshipping the Sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the Sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, reflections at the park… the occasional skin cancer, but hey. There’s no mystery, no one asks for money, I don’t have to dress up, and there’s no boring pageantry. But I don’t pray to the sun – it wouldn’t be polite to presume on our friendship. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci.”
There Is No God, You Are All Diseased (1999)
“This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other and one of them says, “hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died”. “Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday.” “Yeah, didn’t help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow down his cancer. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil’s Death, how, do you live with yourself?”
It’s Bad for Ya (2008)
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AMAZING I love george he will be very missed
[...] Carlin’s note from above was aimed at drinking booze: “And this should go without saying. That’s why I’m going to say it: Drinking and [...]