However, we have enjoyed numerous benders throughout the United States, most memorably in New York, San Diego, New Orleans, Nashville and Memphis, and have made our dollar stretch in taverns a fair number of ports of call in between. Every Canadian’s first vacation is across the southern border, so as a tribute to our US friends, we’d like to share some Independence Day gift offerings.

While the 44th president’s mug is slapped on mugs, plates, shirts and practically anything you can think of, we figured we’d adopt a non-partisan approach to tracking down gifts for those hard-to-please folks who’d most likely salute the flag pole and would not be impressed by a very unpatriotic expiry date gift card.

The merch we’ve compiled here can certainly brighten a Fourth of July (literally, in some cases as your retinas might be singed with Old Glory His & Hers Waistcoats) but as with Christmas lights on the house in June, it’s never too early to get ready for the Yuletide shopping season as well.

1) Stars and Stripes Guitar-Shaped Belt-Buckle and Bottle Opener: This product, which can be yours for the low-low price of $15.99 (or your best offer, on Craig’s List, EBay), is quite possibly the greatest patriotic item in the history of mankind. Are we exaggerating? Short answer: No. This is for the patriotic citizen who is looking to spend his Independence Day kicking ass and chewing bubblegum, but who suddenly finds himself lacking bubble gum. Not only is this item rock n’ roll by its very shape — tell us you don’t think of Jimi Hendrix’s version of the Star Spangled Banner when you clock your eyes on to that — but it’s also an extremely versatile product.

• First it will help hold up your pants, and if you’re going to be cutting loose on the dance floor on Independence Day, you don’t want your your top half independent from your bottom.

• Secondly, you can open your beers with it. What’s more, you can make friends, and possibly win a future wife, by letting others open their beers on your belt. Of course, any bar where belt-buckles like this are the norm might be the kind of place where a broken nose and a fist-fight are part of the floor show. That is where it’s third use comes in: as a weapon. What better way to celebrate your country’s birthday then by leaving the impression of Ole’ Glory on some idiot’s forehead?

2) Old Glory Bed Spread. Politics makes strange bedfellows and now strange bed accessories. Honor 8 years of Bill Clinton in the Oval Office by polling your own electorate on an Old Glory Bed Spread.

Reenact geo-politcs with hard and soft power and show the French who’s boss with tri-coleur under sheets.

3) American Flag-themed rolling papers: While marijuana is still illegal under US federal law, several states have decriminalized in it. In California, you can get a medical permit to access enough of the stuff to make Snoop Dogg want to throw up from the smell. Celebrate the great freedoms in the US that only promise to get greater as the decriminalization of pot continues by sparking up an Independence Day joint that is the size of Shaq’s middle finger using these appropriately-themed rolling papers.

4) Budweiser American Eagle Beer-tap Handle: Frank Zappa once said “You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” America’s beer (in a manner of speaking, as a Belgian mega-brewer has since taken it over) and a surprisingly popular choice in Ireland where there is better beer like Beamish on tap, is Budweiser.

We cannot trash talk this brew too too much as we have our own similarly piss poor beers in Canada, thank you Messers Molson and Labatt. This ornamental beer tap however can be put on any sort of brew and you can put a piece of masking tape over the Budweiser name. Drinking draft beer is about the most pleasantly patriotic thing we can think of doing, and what better way to do that then by tapping the symbol of American freedom, and the motif for many a bad tattoo, the bald eagle.

5) Red, White and Blue Playboy Briefs: The whole publishing industry should’ve used Playboy as a watermark as they were among the first casualties of the internet revolution (Since followed by, well, everything else). Now, Hef & co. are reduced to selling the practically treasonous undergarments shown here. So tasteless the guy who plays guitar in his underwear at Times Square, signed up to join the Marines.  Salute July 4th the proper way with our list of US State Songs.

6) Story of the American Revolution Beer Stein: You’ve sat through hours of history class in school and made a concerted effort to forget what you were learning the moment it hit your ears. You watched the HBO John Adams miniseries and enjoyed it, but couldn’t reconcile one of your founding fathers being played by that guy from Sideways who slurped wine out of a McDonald’s super-sized cup.

So how do you keep up with a conversation on patriotism and the American tradition on this auspicious day? By guzzling beer from one of these handsomely decorated beer steins. Running along the sides of the beer steins are four of the most important battles of the revolutionary war — the Battle of Bunker Hill, the Battle of Princeton, the Battles of Saratoga and the Siege of Yorktown. Remembering these four names and remarking, “Ah, it really gets to you when you think of the fine men who fought at [insert name of battle depending on position of stein at the time of utterance].” If you’re drinking with fellow patriots, and you are drinking in public (the latter unlikely unless you are the kind of guy who brings his own stein to the bar, in which case we salute you) someone may even buy you a round.

7) US Military Pool Cue Set: Americans may not have invented the game of billiards, but they have certainly produced some of its finest champions, invariably dubbed ‘Fats’ and they most definitely have made the best movies on the sport — we’re talking “The Hustler”, not its inferior sequel which Martin Scorsese made to pay off creditors. The cues can be purchased separately and there is one each for the Army, Air Force, Marines, Navy, Coast Guard, and the U.S. Flag. This is the ideal way to support the troops on Independence Day, acknowledge the sacrifices made by past generations so that you could enjoy your present freedoms, and win 10 bucks by hustling some rube who thinks you can’t play worth a damn.

8) Stars and Stripes Nunchucks: As the saying goes, “It’s better to have some chucks than nun chucks at all”. If you party the way you should be partying on Independence Day, chances are the neighbors are going to get upset. Raising a ruckus and getting all the neighborhood dogs howling in unison is what freedom is all about. The perfect gift for the partier who lives on the wrong side of the tracks, these slick-looking nunchucks will most certainly club the nearest beat cop investigating a disturbance into quick submission. They have “don’t tread on me” written all over them. It is recommended when rapping someone across the knees with these babies that you say something along the lines of “And that, came from the good ole’ U, S, of A”.

9) His and Hers Stars & Stripes Waistcoats: You won’t be called a pantywaist ever again (at least not to your face) with this most dashing haberdashery. Suggestion: well suited to horrible musical comedy on public television, preferably on a piano. Top hat optional.

10) Old Glory Surgical Cap: While in revolutionary times, it’s unlikely to have been donned while lopping off a gangrenous limb, you can perform impromptu living room gallbladder removals or, if you’re actually a saw bones, atrial septal defect repair in the more sanitary confines of a surgical suite, while winking at the surgical nurses who’d no doubt delight in your youthful love of country exuberance.

11) Stars & Stripes Guitar Pick Earrings. Have you ever been at a party where you’re asked to rock out on someone’s axe, and you demur with a ‘uh, I don’t have a pick?’ (or even a Mexican peso, famously played by Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top) Well, now you don’t have to empty out lint-riddled pockets with your very own, guitar pick earrings. Also works well with a Hendrix, playing-guitar-behind-your-head impression.

12) Red, White and Blue Cat Collar: Make Fluffy easier to find if she makes a mad dash for freedom.

13) American Flag Purse. Spend your way out of the recession with your very own Stars & Stripes purse, a ‘Kelvin Chen original’. For those of you who haven’t heard of Kelvin Chen (until we downloaded the picture, neither had we), he is  self-described “whimsical photographer, painter, illustrator, web designer, musician, coder, programmer, creative consultant and a professional glutton”. You can’t top that.

14) A Hat That Will Give you a Standing Ovation: This item (top left) speaks for itself, as does the pained expression on the model’s face, who looks like she’s being asked to ‘pull my finger’ rather than the string that makes the hands clap.

15)  Mickey Mouse Pin. Show up Euro Disney from the comfort of Epcot Center with your Stars & Stripes Mickey.

PLEASE SEE OUR TOP 10 BEER FASHION DISASTERS!

Regular Shark Guy readers take note. We will return to non-municipal dumping related posts on Friday (unless of course, you want us to switch formats like a failing new country station and stick with this exclusively).

We will periodically update the trash situation with new developments and pictures, provided it’s not raining and we can’t find anything better to do (a likely outcome, as we have a few candidates for better things to do right now and welcome suggestions).

As you can see, Christie Pits Park is piling up fast. Compare the photo here, with one taken 3 days ago in which hypothetically, a game of ball hockey could’ve been played at one-end of the rink provided smelling salts were on hand to revive the players.

The latest is that apparently more parks are being considered for possible landfill sites. These include Dufferin Grove and Trinity Bellwoods, the former, the site of a weekly Farmer’s Market which will soon offer a grocery shopping experience that is as close as humanly possible to dumpster diving.

Apologies for the photo (left). I was risking life and at least one limb on my own bike when I took the shot and this rank Lance Armstrong was going pretty fast despite hauling a gray garbage bin.

Christie Pits area residents have been protesting by dumping fake trash at city hall. They really should really up the ante with the real thing.

Here’s the CITY TV action news team on hand to cover the event (it should be noted, at a considerable, more nostril and gag-reflex-friendly distance away from the picture above) as cars are lining up with trunks filled with trash.

Stay tuned as we bring you, Gifts for the Patriot who Has Everything as we raise a glass to our neighbors stateside for their 4th of July. Back soon.

Alternate caption: Disease spread curbed by isolation!

As regular readers are aware, we occasionally like to point out some of the finer pieces of journalism we’ve come across. Unfortunately, there is enough material out there that this has become a regular feature.

Above, from the ‘how’d they get the Caramilk into the Caramilk bar’ school of journalism, courtesy of a Toronto newspaper we won’t name. And below, from that very same publication—those pesky bombs…Always causing, among other things (those types of things that could’ve been mentioned in the caption) confusion…Stay tuned.

As Phil Collins sang: "This is a land of confusion".

Plug your nostrils everyone. We just passed Week 1 of the city-wide garbage strike (well, city-wide except for one borough that has private pick-up), smack dab in the middle of one of the city’s biggest tourist draws—Gay Pride.

Here is Christie Pits park, in Toronto’s Korea Town / Annex West Neighborhood. It’s one of the temporary landfill sites that the city has set up, much to the chagrin of everyone in the ‘hood and one of the authors, who lives a few blocks away.

In another few weeks, this outdoor rink [above and below left] will be filled to the brim with stinking trash, which is already smellable a kilometer away. If this keeps up, we might have to compare New York City Versus Toronto garbage strikes.

As you can see below, trash bins have been wrapped up with cellophane and are ‘temporarily out of order’.

In Windsor, across the border from Detroit, their strike has dragged on for more than 10 weeks. We hope to get photos of that soon. Luckily, the moronic government monopoly that holds our hand when we go to buy liquor, averted their strike [please see our LCBO Strike post] so we avoided the perfect shit storm. We’ll be back with more shortly, if we aren’t overcome by the fumes.

Michael Jackson was the king of the tabloids (who until yesterday were referring to him as “The Self-Proclaimed King of Pop” – get ready for more shameless post-mortem backstepping than after Diana’s death), the wellspring of more checkout-aisle drivel than anyone who has ever lived – yes, we stand by what would be hyperbole about anyone else – and the punchline to more late-night monologue jokes than OJ Simpson and any two American presidents you got combined. Hell as recently as Monday, we were pulling out of the gift-that-keeps-giving Jacko joke bag.

But we’re also children’ of the 1980s, a decade that thankfully preceded the YouTube generation. Had somebody’s mobile phone camera been trained on us back in those days you might have seen one or both of us in those leather jackets with zippers, pitting a Michael Jackson doll in an uneven fight with a Mr. T action figure, or wearing one glove (doing so and coming through Canadian winters with all fingers accounted for was just good luck). Neither of us would ever own up to behind-closed-doors moonwalking, but let’s just say that Michael Jackson was as much a part of 80s childhoods as He-Man, bad cinema, and insatiable yuppie greed that shat on the hopes and ideals of the two decades that preceded it.

Chris remembers hearing Thriller for the first time at his cousin’s house and it blowing his mind. Noel remembers a running feud with an older neighbor kid who ridiculed him for saying (in the chirpish voice of youth) that Thriller and Bad were awesome. The neighbor insisted that Michael Jackson was just a poor man’s Lionel Richie and was not afraid of doling out a noogie to get his point across. (If that guy’s reading today, let’s just say that, Thriller, the best-selling album of all time – which in effect is an untouchable record because computer piracy has killed the album – well, it wasn’t put out by Lionel.) What we both remember are sounds that will forever be there in our minds. We think back to our childhoods and remember this music and – unlike the majority of 80s television and the second Terminator film – it stands the test of time, and we give ourselves credit for not having tin ears at that age.

Of course, then there were the 1990s. Michael Jackson’s musical output deteriorated and things got from cute weird – who wouldn’t want a pet chimpanzee (though maybe not to hang around with an aged Liz Taylor) – to the kind of weird that made liking him as a musician an awkward thing to admit.

It seems that if you’re a celebrity from a humble start, that included in the welcome gift bag you get upon entry into the club of the super fabulous is a posse of bloodsuckers incapable of giving advice other than “I think it’s time you sign the monthly pay slips, boss.” Throw in a mind that is not exactly a specimen of sound health and the results are inevitable – Howard Hughes insane and pissing in specimen bottles while his fortune crumbles, Mike Tyson boxing tomato cans for the minimal cash that’s in it, Michael Jackson building the Neverland Ranch, and inviting children into a world that screamed, “We find on behalf of the plaintiff”.

The charges against him lose some steam when you look at those making them.  What manner of person sends their kids for pajama parties at the home of a pop star who is, at best, a troubled middle-aged man who thinks cotton candy should be available on demand?

We’re not the types to look back on Annie Hall or Hannah and Her Sisters with a perspective skewed by the Soon-Yi affair – they remain classics… though we will drop Woody like a turd from a tall horse if he does another film with Scarlett Johansson. (Some things are just unforgivable). A creative work of merit stands above and apart from the personal shortcomings of its creator. Thank the pharaohs for that or we’d be in trouble.

For those of us who grew up with his sounds causing us early ear drum damage, his music gets the first two or three tracks of our life soundtracks.

Michael Jackson produced more great music between the ages of six and eight than any of the Idol programs will produce in their entire run. R.I.P.

Why this is so is anyone’s guess (Freemasons?), but as it stands, a state-owned enterprise with annual revenues of nearly $5 billion dollars a year with the Orwellian handle, the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, has a firm grip on the market, like a drunk brown-bagging a Colt 45 (which you can purchase at the LCBO, but it’ll just cost you three times as much, mostly because of taxes—definitely out of the reach of your average brown-bagging rummy).

No booze for you!

Now this ridiculous enterprise, born out of Canada’s prohibition era and just as relevant is set to strike, coinciding nicely with the city of Toronto’s garbage strike, thus far in its second day of baking garbage like ziti out on the sweltering city streets, as Gay Pride hits its stride and the city readies itself for Caribana and the Jazz Festival.

For our American readers, LCBO outlets are incredibly opulent, not only by the standards of the interstate liquor barn—hell, they’re like grabbing a bottle of vino at a Macy’s department store (when you’re a monopoly, busy counting the endless $$$ like in a bad hip hop video, guess you have to spend it somewhere) and the prices reflect it. And this is despite the LCBO being the largest purchase of liquor in the world. (In second place is the thoughtfully-named PLCB, the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board, with a pricing scheme that would be the envy of a Peruvian cocaine cartel. Wine and Spirits stores in Amish country, were allowed to be open on Sundays (gasp!) only as recently as 2003).

Boosters say “well,  the selection is incredible!” and of course this is the case. If there wasn’t, people would complain bitterly and question the practice of state-run booze peddling. Pro monopoly advocates also suggest that the LCBO is considerably more strict than say, backstage security for your average rock band, when it comes to checking ID. This is a red herring, as anyone who’s attempted to buy liquor underage knows (that is, those people who’ve ever been between the ages of 16 and 18), it’s best procured by somebody’s older brother or by hanging around outside the parking lot and looking for someone who from outward appearances, is lacking in moral scruples.

Stock up everyone and sign whatever petition you can get your hands on to rid the province of this lumbering dinosaur, so we can buy booze where we please, you know…like adults.

Fatherhood is one of the most difficult challenges a man can face that’s brought on by the lack of an all-night pharmacy within a frenzied five-minute walk. Average fathers face enough of a challenge these days deciding on how to best to fill one’s offspring’s head with every half-baked idea one has had and brow-beating said offspring into taking on your your long-dead dreams as their own. Add to that the pressures of being rich and famous– chief among them having to be a whoring, neglectful scoundrel — and it’s no surprise that fatherhood has proven tough for some celebs.

We thought we’d offer a quick rundown of some examples celebs have given workaday egg fertilizers on how NOT to parent children. We’ve selected here moments rather than just all around awful parenting, as the latter list would likely run until the next greeting-card generated holiday. Here are our Top 5 Bad Celebrity Father Moments!

And he also loaded his kids up on carbs.

5) Hulk Hogan’s jailhouse pep talk to son: The children of celebrities are often seen as shallow, self-centred pricks of the first order and while this is probably mostly true, they did not get that way without the help of some godawful parenting. In 2007, Nick Hogan, issue of pater Hulk, was arrested for reckless driving that resulted in a friend of the family needing nursing home care for the rest of his life.

Hulk told his boy to take his medicine, learn from the incident and return to the road in a Volvo to be driven at reasonable speeds and only in good weather conditions. Well, no. In a jailhouse conversation with his son that was — in the great tradition of law enforcement — leaked to TMZ.com, the elder Hogan laid this running legdrop of a sentiment on the now near vegetative victim of the crash: “Well, I don’t know what type of person John was. Or what he did to get himself in this situation. I know he was pretty aggressive and yelled at people and do stuff. And for some reason God laid some heavy shit on that kid.” In addition to some troubling theism, the Hulkster effectively gets the 1-2-3 count on any sense of personal responsibility his son could have ever hoped to develop.

Alec Baldwin and a little girl who may or not be a "thoughtless pig".

4) Alec Baldwin cusses out daughter on voicemail: Moving on from the Hulkster — himself currently in the midst of an acrimonious divorce — we turn to another case of high-profile parents duking it out in celebrity divorce hell. Alec Baldwin was the envy of every heterosexual male who passed puberty with flying colours when he shacked up with Kim Basinger. Those who remember him in those early days as “that smug prick who married Kim Basinger” would later get a bit of schadenfreude from his nasty divorce battle with said 80s fine business. As with many people capable of hiring attorneys whose moneyclips are worth more than what’s in our bank accounts, their divorce became nasty and custody for rights became a point of contention. In the heat of battle, Alec placed a call to his daughter, who had her phone off at the time.

He was livid and left a voicemail with the kind of abuse that would have been better targeted at, say, a roofer: “You have insulted me. You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 years old, or 11 years old [Editor's Note: That he apparently forgot his daughter's age could not have been in his favor come custody hearing] … You have humiliated me for the last time with this phone.” After issuing what might sound to the untrained ear like a death threat, Baldwin closes with that old pappy stand-by: “I’m going to let you know just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are. You are a rude, thoughtless little pig, OK?”

3) Michael Jackson dangles baby outside window: Somehow Michael Jackson is not the first name that springs to mind when you think of fine quality paternal stock. Aside from spending a fair portion of his life either in court with or paying shakedown money to parents accusing him of acts that would hopefully see his application as a boy scout master turned down, Jackson also had one of the most baffling and creepy conception dramas in celeb-dom.

In 2002, worldwide media, always thrilled to have the opportunity to rhyme something with “Jacko”, leaped on footage of Jackson holding his infant son over the railing of a high-floor balcony in a German hotel. An outrage ensued, perhaps because fans were worried (and undoubtedly justifiably so) that Jackson would not have the muscle mass to hold onto the under 10kg infant for any length of time, and that the term bouncing baby boy would be sorely tested.

2) Crocodile Hunter dangles baby IN FRONT OF CROCODILE: In keeping on with our theme of infant endangerment — one of our favorites to rap on — we bring you — CRIKEY! — to the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin. In 2004, everybody’s favorite Paul Hogan in shorts brought his infant son into a crocodile enclosure and fed a whole chicken to the croc while, cradled in his other arm, Irwin’s clueless baby offered a tasty after-dinner alternative.

In response to charges that introducing one’s baby into the enclosure of a man-eating beast was perhaps something less than stellar parenting, Irwin stressed the need for his children to be “croc savvy”, lamely suggesting that there was some sort of educational component in it for his month-old son, an age at which most kids are learning to successfully poop. Suffice it to say that when Irwin got the business end of a stingray a few years later and the tributes rolled in, this incident was not at the top of the lifetime highlight reels.

1) Woody Allen seduces and marries adopted stepdaughter: Leaving Mia Farrow for her adopted stepdaughter Soon Yi Previn put Woody Allen at the tip of everybody’s tongue when old lech syndrome came up and did almost as much damage to his reputation as a father and husband as Scoop did to his cred as a man capable of making a funny film. Personally we think Woody gets an unfair rap on this issue — after all, given Mia Farrow’s decades-old propensity for adopting disadvantaged children, chances are that you’d end up meeting at least one of them on any given round of speed-dating. But the Woodster did nothing to turn naysayers to his cause in Wild Man Blues, a rare documentary look into his private life (while on tour with a band as a clarinetist). At one point, marvelling on how far his bride has come along, he calls her, “this kid who was eating out of garbage pails in Korea.”

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY FROM THE SHARK GUYS!

We’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming next week.

[Editor's note: If you do decide to opt for upside down situps, we recommend: a) that the metal bar is properly affixed between the door frames (otherwise you'd look ridiculous) and b) a hockey helmet or a bean bag chair].

The Shark Guys has quickly become a one-stop shop for all your fitness review needs, provided you’ve read the two reviews we’ve done thus far, stopped, and then shopped.

We’ve looked at claims made by the makers of Turbo Jam, which make New World Order conspiracy buff pronouncements seem almost reasonable by comparison and now, because if Turbo Jam hasn’t given you an ab workout that’s felt like eating a bad batch of clams, we turn to another taut torso torture device: The Ab Circle Pro (not to be confused with the Ab Circle Amateur, which involves drawing a sphere free-hand on the stomach with a magic marker, the health claims related to which are currently under FDA review)

This product offers a loss of 10 lbs in two weeks or your money back (your money will be reimbursed to you in three easy payments of $14.95), which is a pretty good deal if you think about it, but not critically.

The Ab Circle Pro turns your flab into ab, not only by dropping the the first two letters, but by employing a “Unique friction-free track which uses the momentum of gravity to target your whole mid section.” The Ab Circle Pro also ‘gets you off the floor” and then asks to imagine ‘losing inches as you watch TV’ (and not by watching porn and then suddenly switching to the Weather Network). If it’s good enough for the anonymous doctor in the clip below, it’s certainly good enough for his anonymous patients.

You can, ‘Take the ride of your life’ (applicable if you’ve been locked in a basement and shielded from natural light) and don’t forget to “ask the operator how you can get the Ab Circle Pro Multi Function computer for faster results”. Actually, it’s probably best not to bother the operator about your own personal fitness goals (especially when the ‘computer’, looks like the illegitimate offspring of a clock radio and an Olympic discus).

Be sure and check out these testimonials:

“I just had a lower back injury and I can’t feel anything back there at all“. Maybe he’s got more serious issues to worry about.

“Going to the gym every day, takes up so much of your time”. This is true, that’s why the makers of Ab Circle Pro claims the average user can benefit from just 3 minutes a day, or roughly 2 and a half minutes longer than it takes to brush your teeth.

“It’s like a ride”. A donkey at the petting zoo is as well, provided you’re 8.

“I’d much rather be on this than do 100 sit ups.” Isn’t there a third option or maybe some common ground, say 2 sit-ups?

“Beats sitting on the couch watching TV any day.” Perhaps not good policy to antagonize your potential target demographic.

[As a side note: one night in a Chicago blues bar, band members made the mistake of asking some white guy to count the drummer in for the next song...instead of 1..2, a 1, 2, 3 he offered '5, 4, 3, 2, 1', cracking up the entire band and probably making them reconsider their career choice, or at very least their decision to play for predominantly Caucasian audiences].

We salute Letterman for popularizing the Top 10 list format and for giving us an excuse for a Monday spent throwing lawn darts into the lake (that just sounds like a really relaxing way to pass the time).

Yes, Top 10 Lists are very popular, so popular in fact, that we’ve compiled more than 50 of them on this site since we started. For those of you who might’ve missed some of them, and also missed the last time we mentioned you might’ve missed some of them (this is a disturbing trend), here are some of our favorite lists we’ve put together thus far.

Cab Driver Movies

“Many people distrust cabbies. Luckily, in this age of GPS you have a better chance at thwarting a sudden turn onto a designated parade route. Still, digressions more tortuous than the Da Vinci Code have many opting for the bus instead.

That being said, most cabbies are honest and hard working and risk knifings from the backseat or just as scarily, projectile vomiting from there as well and are occasionally called upon to deliver babies and wipe up afterward.” [for more click here]
Weird Beer Flavors

“Previously we covered booze-flavored toothpaste, just the thing for those looking to spruce up in the morning after by brushing their teeth with something that will give them an instant and sickening reminder of the night prior. These days, there is a trend towards making alcohol-related products taste like something else – hence the rise of alcopops and various other beverages that are commonly ordered by
girl drink drunks” [for more click here]

US State Songs

We previously delved into the (if you’ll excuse the redundancy) world of geography with our 25 Horrible Bands Named after Places and in doing so incurred the wrath of hardcore fans of Kansas/Boston, bands we perhaps unfairly dumped on because they’re part of that most loathsome movement in music—Prog Rock. Then again, the more comments we get from people leaping to their defense, the less we regret their inclusion. [for more click here]
Ways Bangkok and Toronto are Different

As regular readers and his immediate neighbors might be aware, Shark Guy Noel makes his home in Bangkok Thailand. He’s often asked to compare Thailand with Canada, and he would rather just send along this URL the next time that question comes up [for more click here]

Beer Fashion

If you’ve just beaten an Oxycontin rap, your wife or a personal ‘Rock ‘N’ Bowl best, you’ve probably got a closet full of these suds duds already. For everyone else, here are a few beer-themed sartorial choices that you can run by the missus as she lights a Vantage Ultra Light off the propane barbecue and risks causing upwards of $1300 in property damage from the ensuing blaze. [for more click here]

Cop Show Cliches

For some time there has been a disconnect between TV cops and the ones everybody knew— kind of like the disconnect between June and Ward Cleaver sleeping in separate beds on Leave it to Beaver, and the kind of bedpost-grabbing boffing real-life Ward would have been administering, frustrated by that retarded pair of kids of his. The Keystone Cops in the early part of the last century brought us the image of hapless police unable to keep a good man locked up, rather than the bloodthirsty goon hired by the railroad to bash heads that would have been more accurate. [for more click here]

Ways to be Irish on St Patty’s Day

To drinkers, St. Patrick’s Day is an occasion that holds an almost religious significance. In fact, some drunk in a bar many St. Patrick’s Days ago once told us that the occasion was rooted in some sort of Catholic tradition. He described a highly improbable scenario involving snakes having infested Ireland, and a saint named Patrick coming along to drive them out like some sort of pest control superman. Being that this entire business reminded us of an awful Jon Voight serpent movie out of theaters by then that we had hoped to put out of our minds as well, we proceeded to move to the other end of the bar. [for more click here]

Chris Brown and Rihanna Duet Ideas

You may not have guessed this, but we’re the kind of guys who simply CANNOT get enough celebrity news. We were bottle-fed Mary Hart and John Tesh (his groundbreaking entertainment reportage, not his, for lack of a better word, music career). So, obviously Chris Brown and Rihanna are figures of colossal importance in our lives. [for more click here]

People who Look like the Frankenstein Monster

There are two types of people in the world: those who look like the Frankenstein monster and everyone else, (which includes those who like to make fun of people who look like the Frankenstein monster—there are others who say there are two groups of people in the world, those who divide the world into two different groups, and those who don’t, but we digress). [click here for more]

Worst Cookbooks of all Time

The art of actually preparing a meal has become a thing of the past. Who among us (who is not collecting on a bogus personal injury claim) has the time to seek out the various ingredients needed to prepare a proper meal, not to mention all of the digit-endangering chopping and preparation, setting and watching of timers and fine-tuning the olfactory senses to the smell of something smoking in the kitchen? [click here for more]

FOR EVEN MORE LISTS CLICK HERE!!!!

But we’re not the kind of guys to sink into denial and convince ourselves that atrocities such as the Dukes of Hazzard movie are anomalies. We know that lazy studio execs will wander into the wasteland of 1980s network television and pluck out an awful show to be repackaged and sold to people who will get nostalgic because they were too young to evaluate how crappy the show was the first go-round.

We’ve decided to do some of the legwork for these execs and cast adaptations of lousy 80s television programs even before they are officially announced. Here then are our Top Casting Picks for Adaptations of Lousy 80s TV shows!

MR BELVEDERE

Bob Uecker was at the height of his creative powers in this 80s sitcom. At this point, we would be taking a poke at the utter hackery involved in creating the Mr. Belvedere premise — an English butler hired by a sports writer (Uecker) and his wife who is in law school.  Sports writer is a good job to give a talentless actor only meant to appeal to Joe Lunchbox — we refer you to Ray Romano in Everybody Loves Raymond — but it’s doubtful that Uecker’s character would be able to afford his mortgage payments supporting three kids and a studying wife on a sports writer’s salary. We would point out that few sitcom premises are this ridiculous, but the premise dates back some 50 years. Mr. Belvedere was originally a novel, and later turned into a few successful films in the 1950s. The 80s do not have exclusivity on terrible ideas. The refined Brit butler is paired with the uncouth yank and hilarity was presumably meant to ensue.

Once Mr. Belvedere makes its long-unawaited return to the big screen, we would cast it as follows.

For the title role, we can’t decide between Sir Anthony Hopkins and Michael Caine, the latter having honed his butler-acting chops in the past couple of Batman movies as well as shown a willingness to sign on for just about anything (this anything, includes Jaws 3D). However Sir Anthony Hopkins would have great on-air chemistry with our choice for the Uecker role, Jim Belushi, the consummate fat middle-aged everyman. Tony Sirico, Pauly Walnuts from The Sopranos, would be a runner-up. This show was basically the Belvedere/Uecker half-hour, but for the other roles we’d cast Beverly D’Angelo as the wife, Zack Braff or possibly Michael Cera as the older son (originally played by an actor who many believed, wrongly, went on to become Marilyn Manson), Miley Cyrus as the daughter, and Angus Jones, from Two and a Half Men and Frasier, as the younger son.

For those unfamiliar with Belvedere, the introductory sequence tells you all you need to know about the show:

ALF

“Gag me with a spoon!” it’s ALF, the wise-cracking anteater-looking alien who crash lands on a suburban family’s garage and becomes part of the Tanner family, who threatened national security by not reporting their knowledge of extra-terrestrial life to the proper authorities.

There is only one possible casting choice for the role of Willie Tanner, the nebbish head of the Tanner household whose whiny demeanor makes him someone you mentally slap several times during the half-hour duration of the show, and that is Woody Allen, which, given that most of his movies are commercial flops, would give him just the kind of scratch to finance his next Scarlett Johansson dud.

As for the title character, the original Alf was a puppet, but we think for the big screen it would be better if a human is stuffed into an ALF suit. Few actors could carry this off while remaining true to the character and not requiring a suit that would look substantially larger than the original ALF character. Danny Devito, come on down. If the studios go with a puppet ALF, we would ditch the PG rating and have Dennis Leary voice the doll. Howard Stern would work as well. Willie’s long-suffering wife would be played by Susan Sarandon (speaking of suffering, an audience would as well with a running time over 75 minutes) while his daughter, virginal Lynn, would be played by Jessica Alba, and Finding Neverland’s Freddie Highmore as the dorky son, Brian whose only friend in the world is ALF.

The opening to ALF

PERFECT STRANGERS

This 80s gem relied on that old sitcom chestnut: the odd couple. Bronson Pinchot took the torch from Yakov Smirnoff when it came to ‘recent immigrant who doesn’t know if he should use his toothbrush for his teeth or to start his car’ humor (though at least Yakov was born outside the United States, unlike accent-faking Pinchot). Boring old cousin Larry takes Balki Bartokomous the quirky foreigner into his home and the guys have one wacky misadventure after another.

For Balki, our top pick is Roberto Benigni, which would require a change of surname and an Italian back story, but the actor would bring needed authenticity to the role, essential if the film adaptation is to be a success. Jackie Chan would be a dark horse for this role (it would still do more for his stateside rep than the awful Rush Hour movies). Paul Giamatti would play cousin Larry, as he’s already proved himself as a good buddy movie actor in Sideways and somehow we think that Benigni would genuinely piss him off, which would make for good watching. The show’s other two stars — the guys’ respective girlfriends — would be played by Gwynneth Paltrow (Larry’s girlfriend) and Lisa Kudrow (Balky’s). Kevin Spacey for the part of Larry if Paul Giammati doesn’t work out.

‘Classic’ Strangers:

In this decade, speaking of golf, there were certainly enough shows that were bunker- bound. Recall, it was the 1980s that brought us orange puppet aliens that lived with old, rich white guys, black midgets that lived with old, rich white guys, wisecracking butlers and boarding school lesbians who lived above a cafeteria, and in a unique twist, lived with an old white woman.

In terms of influence, The A-Team, like Oprah in a pair of spandex, casts a wide shadow. When one of us lived Europe we caught an episode, badly dubbed into halting German, called Das A-Team. Yes, the show was undoubtedly a huge cultural export.

The cast of characters includes four misfit miscreant mercenaries who may or may not have gotten away with war crimes in ‘Nam; a cigar chomping schemer, a bland, flim flam man (who when he wasn’t busy flim flamming, was also quite a ladies man), a crazed male pattern baldness-afflicted pilot and a strong-man mohawked mechanic who currently shills ovens on late night infomercials.

The A-Team featured a who’s who of guest stars, Hulk Hogan, Isaac Hayes, Rick James, William ‘The Refridgerator’ Perry and Pat Sajak (one of these things is not like the other, but we’re not sure which) and every plot line somehow involved something, usually a massive cache of weapons, ridiculously camouflaged and a van driven around with a machine gun affixed to the top or a getaway helicopter.

Apparently, Ridley Scott, responsible for more misfires than any episode of the not-exactly marksmen-like A-Team (Scott directed the awful American Gangster, the not nearly laughably bad enough G.I. Jane and the dull as dirt Gladiator—basically a long line of failures since Bladerunner and Alien) is signed on to direct an A-Team remake. According to Variety, Liam Neeson will try and salvage the role George Peppard made famous (Hannibal) and the guy in The Hangover will try and save Face.

But who will play mad Murdock or B.A. Baracus? If this question has been firing around in your synapses (further proof that more than half of our brains comprise fatty tissue), well, you’ve come to the right place as we’d like to offer a few suggestions as to who should round out the dramatis personae.

Quentin Rampage Jackson. There are rumors that Ice Cube (who is apparently playing Gabe Kaplan in a Welcome Back Cotter movie and not amenable to listening to any career advice of late) is set to portray BA Baracus (the B.A. stands for Bad Attitude not arts baccalaureate). Rampage would be a better choice though.  Rampage was the guy who knocked Chuck Liddell out of Mixed Martial Arts as well as any more guest appearances on Entourage. Because he’s kind of at the tail end of his fighting career and not currently fielding offers to play The Junkyard Dog if the wrasslin’ biopic should ever come out, he’s free to spit out fool pityin’ catchphrases. Can he act? Does it matter? The original A-Team wasn’t exactly Edward Albee in his prime so Rampage should be able to handle “I ain’t gettin’ on no plane!”

Jack Black. Who says B.A. Baracus has to be black? We do. Jack Black. (Affirmative Action Jackson this would not be) He’d definitely be a close second if you’d like less action, more comedy.

Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey’s career could sure use a boost. He’d make a perfect Murdock, though some say Dwight from The Office, might get the nod.

Ryan Reynolds is definitely good looking and dull enough to be a respectable Face. Quotidian Ben Affleck and would-be comedian Dane Cook would also fill the role nicely.

If you’re interested in our thoughts about the Three Stooges Remake, click here.

We started our site to follow on in the path laid down by our first book, a humorous collection of drinking-related feats of grandeur called The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death: and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery (Penguin), but soon branched out into lists, some of which, like our Top 10 Drinking and Driving Songs of All Time, had never been attempted before.

The ones that we’ve run on this site have brought us thousands upon thousands of eyeballs, like some grotesque Dali painting; so, to meet everyone’s needs, like a brothel in a Walmart, we decided to offer a one stop shop for each and every one of our lists, just in case you might have missed a few (if you have, you needn’t worry. Much like if you missed a day for your prescription meds, you can double up on the dose to catch up).

Here is a collection of our most recent lists so that our readers can mosey up to the drive-thru window and remark upon just how much free entertainment we’ve brought you over the years (if you’re feeling especially generous, we are happy to accept gifts provided we don’t have to pay the postage—so what we’re saying is, cash is preferred).

So, in no particular order, we present to you our fave Top 10 Lists (we realize some of these lists may not involve 10 items, but for every one that comes in under that number, we’ve got several that go well over so at the very least, they AVERAGE ten and besides, this is not an express check out line at the supermarket).

Subway Movies

“The subway, unless you’re stuffed into one in Japan by a cop mime, provides relative comfort. A gauge of a city’s sophistication (unless it’s Cleveland), there are 15 cities in North America with light rail/subway systems, and we’ve had the opportunity to try out four of them and on only two occasions, saw someone urinating on a platform—which are pretty good odds, all things considered, given the relatively small circumference of a drunk’s indiscriminate pissing.” [click for more]

Serial Killers and Astrology

“Astrology adherents believe we all fall into one of 12 basic character groups depending on the alignment of the stars at the time we made our screaming, messy debuts in this world. In a bid to get people to cough up more than the cost of their newspapers, astrologers are capable of complicating this basic setup with a cosmic breakdown of exactly where the universe was at when you were born with moons waxing and waning and more stars going into their ascendancy than after a no-tell weekend at a Hollywood producer’s house.” [click for more]

Offensive Art

“The French poet Jacques Prevert (and no, that is not a typo; he apparently got there ahead of the perverts), once said:   “Art is never chaste. It ought to be forbidden to ignorant innocents, never allowed into contact with those not sufficiently prepared. Yes, art is dangerous. Where it is chaste, it is not art.” Well these are unchaste works that came into contact with many people who were not sufficiently prepared; most of these would probably have even drawn a “Sacre Bleu!” from Prevert himself.” [click for more]

Kitchen Nightmares 101

“We are big fans of Kitchen Nightmares, not the kind that wake you up sweating through the sheets and reaching for antacids (what would likely transpire after a repast prepared by either of us) but the Chef Gordon Ramsay reality show.” [click for more]

Elevator Etiquette

“Please memorize every single one of these rules and never forget them. They will make your elevator-riding experience shorter and more enjoyable. Also your fellow elevator passengers will not despise you with every fiber of their being.”[click for more]

Dumbest Game Shows

“The economy is in the commode. Those who still have jobs are dropping from ulcers as they think of reasons to justify their exclusion from the next purge. Cardiac surgeons are clocking overtime like hookers at Mardi Gras, but there’s one group, who, if you were to take a sample member and measure his pulse it would read, “Dude…”These are your stay-at-home bums.” [click for more]

Swine Flu Songs

“Just when you thought it was safe to venture into the barn again, after Bessie’s ozone layer destroying farts and Mad Cow disease, along comes the swine flu – the latest assault on humanity perpetrated by a creature most commonly seen on breakfast plates.” [click for more]

Postal Workers in Pop Culture

“The current economic shit-storm means sitting down to breakfast every morning, opening the newspaper and reading how the industry in which you work is in as much trouble as the soon-to-be defunct newspaper you’re holding. If you’re lucky, it’s just a salary cut so that your company can continue to afford that
finely quilted toilet paper in the executive shitter while you decide between a bus pass or cable television. If you’re not so lucky your job falls under the “Would have been obsolete anyway, the economy just brought the wolves to the door faster” category. Postal worker is one such job.” [click here for more]

Annoying Motivational Speakers

“It’s been said that “Those who can do, do and those who can’t do teach”. There are also “those who can’t do, would rather not teach, see a chance to earn a quick buck and then join the public speaking circuit.

It’s not surprising then, that the first place you’re likely to encounter a motivational speaker is a high school auditorium.  Armed with laser pointers and talk of carpe diem as a life affirming alternative to carpe capitulum and shoving it into a toilet bowl, they’re welcome relief from Macbeth slog-throughs, the Magna Carta or quadratic equations—but then again, so is a fire drill.” [click here for more]

Things you Won’t Find on MTV Cribs

“If you live in a high rise where cigarette butts and syringes line the stairwell, it’s easy to see the appeal of MTV Cribs. For those who aren’t familiar with the show, Cribs offers a celeb-guided tour inside the stately homes of celebrities real (Hulk Hogan) and imagined (Jacoby Shaddix—he was in some band called Papa Roach and has ‘love’ and ‘hate’ tattooed on his hands, which is pretty limiting given the number of four-letter antonyms)” [click here for more]

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Here’s a fun, Friday prohibition-themed photo-blog. We’ll return to our regularly scheduled programming Monday.

If you stay at a hotel with a sign on the door (left), be sure and register your dismay with having to check your hand grenades in at the front desk, with a tersely-worded review on Travelocity

Number 2 could just as easily refer to some of the blog comments we’ve received of late.

When you finally reach your destination, if you’re not motion sick already (astounding given how slowly these things move), you’re thanked for your troubles with a cloud of black smoke in the kisser, two fewer hours in the day and one less wallet.

The subway on the other hand, unless you’re stuffed into one in Japan by a cop mime, provides relative comfort.

A gauge of a city’s sophistication (unless it’s Cleveland), there are 15 cities in North America with light rail/subway systems, and we’ve had the opportunity to try out four of them and on only two occasions, saw someone urinating on a platform—which are pretty good odds, all things considered, given the relatively small circumference of a drunk’s indiscriminate pissing.

And you think your job sucks...

In Toronto, one of us had a gun waved in our face by tactical officers who stormed a train when a drunk passenger’s threats were taken too seriously (for the record, such threats did not come from one of us—  swear) and waiting for the Brooklyn train at Bowery, we saw a rat the size of an overfed dachshund.

Still, there is no better bang for your transit buck than the underground, provided bores, drunks and perverts—i.e., those kept on the wrong side of the velvet rope on Ladies night— are avoided.

Unsurprisingly, this subterranean milieu has featured more prominently than dank rec rooms in popular film, most recently in what is likely a terrible remake of The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3.

Next time your coat is caught in the doors, you’re Woody Allen to Sly Stallone’s un-credited thug in Bananas, or a one-person audience for something unspeakable pulled from a pair of shorts—think about how subways have kept more money in your wallet after a night in the bar than homely women, given those without driver’s licenses a chance to get laid and of course, contributed to pop culture at large.

Next stop, the Best Subway Movies of All Time (When the doors are chiming, please do not rush toward your computer monitor).

Wish I hadn't missed my stop.

Death Line. Family of cannibals descended from Victorian railway workers live in the bowels of the London Underground (don’t let their prudishness fool you, they really really like the taste of human flesh).

Passengers go missing in the subway system, permanently that is, but nothing is done about it as nobody suspects cannibals descended from Victorian railway workers living in the London Underground (the producers themselves hardly believed it). The cannibals (shouldn’t someone who dines on human flesh be a ‘humanitarian?’) are hunted down when a prominent public-transit funding politician is murdered, by the always incredibly awesome, though currently dead and not returning to the domain of the living any time soon, Donald Pleasance (Halloween, Cul-de-Sac, the inspiration for Dr Evil in You Only Live Twice).

Creep. Franka Potente from Run Lola Run (a film featuring more cuts than unlicensed surgery), gets locked overnight in a London subway station, pursued by a creepy coke-addled would-be rapist office co-worker in serious need of some remedial team building exercises. Her troubles don’t even begin to end there, as she’s pursued by just about everything except subterranean alligators as she navigates her way through the sewers. Capitalizing on the kind of horrible claustrophobia normally only encountered in rush hour or a bad nightclub, grisly Creep gets kudos here.

Subway. Luc Besson is the king of transportation films. Without him, we’d have no Taxi, the Transporter, or Fifth Element (although if Chris Tucker had been more prominently featured than he was—that wouldn’t necessarily have been a bad thing. For more on Luc, please see our Top 10 Cab Driver Movies).

In Besson’s 1985 Subway, a safe blowing extortionist played by Christopher Lambert (a guy responsible for more bad acting than Vivid Entertainment) takes refuge in the Paris Metro, and is pursued by gangsters while befriending a roller skating brigand [Editor's note: how that would help you elude the law in one of the world’s busiest underground networks is up for some debate, as is curbing one's ability to hop a turnstile]

1 million bucks. The going rate for the lives of 40 passengers in 1974 and the cost-conscious mayor STILL balked

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3. Quentin Tarantino used stole The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3’s character color naming convention (Mr. Blue, Mr. Red, etc) for his inferior Reservoir Dogs. ‘Pelham’, referenced in the Beastie Boys’ song ‘Sure Shot’, is the story of a bunch of gangsters who set the public transit movement back more than the Big 3 combined, by hijacking a Bronx-bound NYC train.

The flick was recently remade with the consummately bland Denzel Washington taking on the Walter Matthau role, but not with Jerry Stiller reprising his Italian American cop. Bad ass British hijacker, played by Robert Shaw, memorably eaten in Jaws, demands a bigger-boat load of cash or he’ll start executing passengers.

From there begins a gripping chain of events in which tracks are cleared, numerous ‘Calling Pelham 1 2 3, calling Pelham 1 2 3s’ are uttered on CB radios and the clock ticks on the passengers’ lives.

"Warriors, come out to play..."

The Warriors. Based on Sol Yurick’s book, which drew from Anabasis by Zenophon, a pupil of Socrates (in the film, Coney Island is the Black Sea and gang members replace Greek mercenary soldiers) Walter Hill’s cult classic is one long chase from the top to the bottom of the New York City subway system.

Overalls are only scary in Deliverance

When a Bronx gang leader’s murder (CAN YOU DIG IT?) is falsely pinned on the title gang, instead of splitting money for a cab, they flee for their lives back to Coney Island riding the rails, as a bounty is placed on their heads and they thwart attacks from a variety of different gangs—from the scary (the Furies, demonic baseball players that spawned Eminem’s Warrior’s-inspired ‘Fight Music’ video) to the extremely less than menacing (a Union Square rollerskating in overalls gang that look like gay rugby players).

The dark, sinister, yet incredibly campy Warriors aesthetic has inspired Old Dirty Bastard, Slim Shady, Red Man, Offspring, Rockstar video games and ‘dress as your favorite gang’ bar theme nights.

Editor’s note: For obvious reasons, namely the phrase ‘best subway movies’ in the title, we’ve left out the aptly named While You Were Sleeping, about a lonely ticket seller. Sanda Bullock does feature prominently in our Actors Whose Crappy Movies are Always Shown on Airplanes. Also, Money Train, with Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson as step brothers (of course), has been omitted here.  A scene early in Die Hard III involves a bomb on a subway train and Bruce Willis racing against time to diffuse. If anyone’s seen it, he shouldn’t have bothered.