Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

Axe Throwing

February 9, 2011 | Sports

There is an old axiom, “One is an example, two is a coincidence, three is a trend”, which applies not only to botulism but to journalism. “Three is a trend” refers to how quickly one can cover an emerging story before it turns into the fourth part of the equation—unavoidable backlash and embarrassment for all concerned.

While some say trend spotting lacks the thrills of say train spotting, especially if there is combustible cargo or a drunk brakeman, there is an obvious advantage to noticing something before anyone else does and being able to lord it over them.

This is certainly the case with axe throwing. To those of us who breathe in culture through an oxygen mask cranked to oblivion and make no apologies for doing so (unless we light a cigarette nearby and you’re standing too close—at which point apologies would be superfluous anyway) we consider ourselves very much on the cutting edge. Being the Ginsu knives to the bacteria-ridden cutting board that is popular culture, we stood up and took note. 

We recently noticed an article about a league devoted to axe throwing, which is derived from lumberjack competitions and adapted nicely to big city environments probably because of the plaid shirts.  

For those unfamiliar with a sport that is currently in its embryonic stage and not competing for ad dollar revenue with the Arena Football League or even the frontal lobe impaired recreational five-pin bowling league—it basically involves participants channeling their inner Paul Bunyans or Lizzie Bordens by setting up wall-mounted targets with concentric circles each with different point values and hurling wooden-handled hatchets at them (if someone is facing the wrong direction this gives new meaning to the term “hatchet-faced”). 

When you think of axes, a few things might cross your mind: the tomahawk chop, a wrestling move whose effectiveness is inversely related to the slapping noise it produces off a sternum, chopping wood for a prize fight or to prepare someone with sloped shoulders for a stint in prison, or perhaps the screwball caretaker of the Overlook Hotel.

If this sport takes off, maybe dwarfs will breathe a sigh of relief although the same cannot be said for the person who is conscripted for the spinning wheel portion of a knife-throwing duo. Don’t get any ideas.

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NFL Predictions

January 11, 2011 | Sports

We generally aren’t the ones you turn to when seeking out sports advice. In fact, counsel from us would likely be as welcome as sauntering into a sports bar Superbowl Sunday and requesting they change the channel to Don’t Forget the Lyrics: Rockin’ Moms edition.

That being said, one of us possesses expertise slightly north of competency when it comes to the NBA, expertise borne of managing a potentially lucrative fantasy pool (betting, both above and below board underpins all major sports) Sure, while the NBA is not pro football, a fact one would be loath to dispute if one tried to dribble a football, there are some similarities: Winners are both picked by a coterie of self-proclaimed experts on TV, whose predictions are often slightly better than handicapping using “population size of metropolitan area” as a predictor.  

We are going to analyze the upcoming games not prejudiced by having witnessed too many prior ones.

Green Bay Packers VS Atlanta Falcons:

One of us (NOT pictured, it should be pointed out) travelled to Lambeau Field in 2010 to watch the Green & Gold take on the Dolphins. Lambeau Field serves up deep fried cheese curds, which are as delicious as they sound. Atlanta all season, only lost to playoff-bound, quality teams. How does that stack up to cheese curds though? Pick: Packers. 

Seattle Seahawks VS Chicago Bears:

Seattle, famously, was the worst team ever to make the playoffs in the history of the NFL. Seattle gave us Hendrix and Cobain. Chicago gave us Ray Charles, Warren Zevon, Mavis Staples, Herbie Hancock, Wilco, and via the south, Buddy Guy, Muddy Waters, Sonny Boy Williamson. Advantage: Bears.

Baltimore Ravens VS Pittsburgh Steelers:

The gritty drug/cop drama The Wire was filmed in Baltimore. Pittsburgh was the setting for Mr. Belvedere and My So-Called Life. Advantage: Ravens.

New York Jets VS New England Patriots:

The Pats have a portly coach who famously illegally spied on other teams. Call them the New England Patriot Acts. Their opponents we’ve written about before, because of their fans’ unruly behavior, some of whom were dubbed “drunk and disgusting”, not by us, but by of all people, the president of the New Jersey Senate.

Another strike against them is a fireman who wears a green hat and admonishes fans to scream J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS!!! If this wasn’t bad enough, and by consensus we’ve decided that it is, you can create your own obnoxious chant with the  Fireman Ed App (Please see our list of Apps we’d Like to See). As we’ve seen in West Side Story, Jets are mortal enemies of Sharks. Bet the farm/house/Florida time-share on: Patriots.

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