February 10, 2010 | reviews

Before the human pez dispenser of platitudes Dr Phil was on the scene, the go-to chrome-domed glad-hander and hero to the unemployed was of course, Montel Williams.

Half cut-rate therapist and matchmaker (if you consider the pairing by paternity test a mom and her would-be flight risk of a dead-beat dad matchmaking), Montel amazingly, received a Daytime Emmy Award for Outstanding Talk Show Host.

Of course, during the 90s, anyone who even attempted to shy away from dueling monozygotic dwarfs and men who banged a sitter while mom was battling chemo, was thusly awarded (See Oprah, whose lowly origins as a peddler of exploitative crapola seem to have been forgotten with her up with people, up with Body Mass Index MO)

With days counseling pregnant teens a distant memory, Montel’s current paying gig is one that has him wowing the insomniac set as an infomercial pitchman for the Living Well Healthmaster, a digital emulsifying device that is by any other name, a blender.

The Healthmaster is a marvel that can crush more ice than a Zamboni at a Monster Truck rally, and, as it’s pointed out, with 2 horsepower of centrifugal force, is more like an outboard motor (this is something to keep in mind if you’re trolling through a margarita instead of a swamp)

Montel has asked the manufacturers of this Health Master (which can ‘power a small boat’) to “knock off one easy payment if you call now”:

Conversation:

Montel: “Can you knock a payment off one of the 5 easy payments?

Manufacturer of the Living Well Healthmaster: “Listen buddy, we determine the price point thank you very much.”

Testimonials:

The device, which makes “stealth veggies”, (vegetables that interfere with radar technology?) is no doubt deserving of this military comparison as it can also “decimate chunks of solid concrete”, handy if you’ve got some government stimulus money kicking around for road repair.

“I’ve tried every pill, diet and exercise program and I thank Montel!”

We wonder if this person has donned tights and kicked their dignity away to Turbo Jam?

The digital emulsifying device “literally pulverizes fruits, legumes and leafy vegetables”  and is specifically designed for people “who would never eat a plate of vegetables”, which seems like the target demographic is one which is a good decade away from being able to legally own a credit card.

Stay tuned.

January 27, 2010 | reviews

“You can’t treat the working man this way! One of these days we’ll form a union, and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we’ll go too far, and become corrupt and shiftless…!”

The Simpsons

Last Exit to Springfield

This week, Toronto Transit Commission came  under fire over employees doing what people normally spend one-third of their lives doing—not a workplace commute—but sleeping.

The napping employees were the subject of an excellent meme and a not so excellent exculpation from a self-described humour writer (seeing what passes for humor in a major daily is enough  to make us consider a career change).

Speaking of which, walking papers will not be forthcoming as a powerful union, the ATU, represents one of the busted dozers, whose mea culpa is enough to ensure he stays behind protective glass for years to come.

Now don’t get us wrong, we sympathize with ordinary TTC workers.

Having to work for a transit system that is the envy of Bratislava, Slovakia in the face of silly fare hikes, out of commission token machines and in subway stations, more exposed pipes than an American Idol audition has got to be a tough gig. However, the bear minimum that can be asked of an employee, that they not sleep on the job (or  in the case of some occupations, shoot up the place—please see our list of the Top 10 Postal Workers) was violated.

Now, we’ve talked about the TTC briefly before (in our list of suggested acronyms to which we can now add Toronto Transit Catnappers) and for those unfamiliar with Toronto, if you were born too late to have experienced the 70s, instead of renting Saturday Night Fever or growing your hair long, you can simply experience the decade second-hand with our third-rate mass transit system.

Their much-touted screens that let commuters know when the next train/bus is coming, were in place when one of us lived in Germany 20 years ago and their lumbering trolleys (mostly inaccessible to the elderly/disabled—-the only way our system is a step up relative to others, but not in a good way) can be beaten on foot provided a heavy wind isn’t blowing in the opposite direction.

The sad state of affairs means two lousy subway lines servicing a metropolitan area approaching 5 million people with no political will or vision to foresee what a city would look like 30 years from now, but  merely one that is a reminder of 30 years past.

Since our obits will be written long before a third subway line is built perhaps it’s best to just shut your eyes and envision what this city could become before you get very…very….sleepy.

January 6, 2010 | reviews

You’d think someone who many people think is the Antichrist would have a better security detail, because you know what they say, the devil is in the detail. After this recent breach, perhaps it’s time to revisit whether the pontiff can be properly protected by a combination of Italian police and the Swiss Guard and use the New York Jets offensive line instead. If you meet the following criteria, feel free to apply c/o

His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI PP.
00120 Via del Pellegrino
Citta del Vaticano
OR
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI
Apostolic Palace
VATICAN CITY

Credentials: Security Guard License.

Work Setting: The Vatican, the world.

Work Conditions and Physical Capabilities: Attention to detail, combination of sitting, standing, walking, praying, ministering, preparing the tarmac for osculation.

Skill Set: Follow emergency procedures, mixed martial arts take-down sprawl defense, monitor security television, operate security control room equipment, control Popemobile vehicular and pedestrian traffic, keep lepers to a manageable level.

Security and Safety: Criminal record check optional.

Languages: Anything, but preferably conversational German, Italian, English, Spanish, ecclesiastical Latin

Transportation/Travel Information: Must have own transportation.