June 4, 2010 | reviews

With Robin Hood, Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe transplanted the grim, grimy misery of their Gladiator film to Sherwood Forest and made an addition to the folk hero franchise that nobody wanted to see, but that still did better business than the inexplicable Clash of the Titans remake.  And right from that same mill where originality is set upon daily with knives and acid comes the latest in the Sex and the City franchise – one more visit to that Bizarro world where someone like Carrie Bradshaw is able to maintain a daily newspaper column for more editions of the paper than one.

Sex and the City 2 will be dug up by historians and pointed to as writing on the wall evidence for where it all went wrong with this civilization, but it did give birth to what for us has been the most enjoyable trend in cinema this year: the absolute hilarious evisceration of this movie in several reviews. The very best of these was written by Lindy West, in Seattle’s The Stranger:

But very quickly, the SATC brain trust notices that it’s not all swarthy man-slaves and flying carpets in Abu Dhabi! In fact, Abu Dhabi is crawling with Muslim women—and not one of them is dressed like a super-liberated diamond-encrusted fucking clown!!! Oppression! OPPRESSION!!!

And here we have some taglines that might have been more suitable for Sex and The City 2:

“Like the TV show, only minus any hope of decent writing and costing you $20 bucks.”

“It’ll enhance your appreciation of the scathing reviews.”

“Win a chance to shag Samantha in the next installment. Only several dozen will be contacted, plus their brothers if they look enough like gigolos.”"

“Drink cocktails and hoot every time a lady part is mentioned.”

“Through Charlotte, a glimpse into the notoriously prudish life of a big city downtown art scenester.”

“Because children impede the unhindered pursuit of designer labels, and unapologetic self absorption.”

“Like Entourage, except a decade and a half into the future, triple the number of sexual conquests, with people physically incapable of ever relocating who are the opposite sex.”

“For Mr Big: An appellation that could easily be bestowed for his ego or a strangely wedge-shaped cranium.”

“Because someone annoying would like to convince you they’re a composite of every female you’ve ever met.”

“If non-syndicated single newspaper advice columnists who live in the Upper East Side can afford $850 stilettos, so can you.”

“When nothing says a getaway to a cabin in the woods like Diane von Fürstenberg.”

“Paving the way for Cougar Town.”

“Remember that, ultimately, HBO is responsible for this.”

“Confusing sass for wit for more than a decade.”

“Because only the very best TV shows have voiceovers.”

“Get ready for Part 4: ‘Vulgar, emotionally-crippled Golden Girls.’”

“May you encounter people like this only on the big screen.”

“You’ll finally appreciate what the religious fundamentalists have been going on about for so long.”

May 21, 2010 | reviews

As we learned from that terrible Michael Moore documentary, Torontonians apparently do not lock their doors.

However, even if such precautions were taken it would not have stopped the horticultural heist here.

As a special public service announcement, we’d like to help get the word out about this theft (assuming the botanical brigand has long since abandoned this particular alley in favor of other, more flora-filled backyards and is a fan of the site) and ask that the thief please return said flowers to this particular west Toronto address.

We ask simply that this gesture be done promptly and if possible, for a local newscast to profile us in one of their ‘local heroes’ segments.  

While we are on the subject of PSAs, and on a more serious note, we ask that that people also watch out for, or more threateningly, to beware of, KILLER KIDS.  

Why is it that we as a society are so afraid to open our doors for fear of being handed wacky religious pamphlets rather than having them slipped through a mail slot?

It’s because of the theory of evolution!

It’s not violent video games, brutal images from movies or as it was in our respective cases growing up, well-executed tomahawk chops by grappler Ricky ‘the Dragon’ Steamboat; As it states in the Epistle of Jude 10 (shortly after something about “taking a sad song and making it better”) ”as brute beasts in those things they corrupt themselves”.

If that phrase was too ambiguous for you, it’s spelled out below: “man has evolved from animals and if you teach children they come from animals, do not be surprised when they begin to act like them!”

Does this mean not signing off on those zoo waiver forms for school trips?

May 11, 2010 | reviews

Congrats  to our new friend Neil Pasricha, whose hometown Toronto launch of The Book of Awesome was a rousing success. People were kept waiting behind a velvet rope and there wasn’t even the promise of cocaine.  Awesome.

His book is being translated into German, Korean, Chinese. Cockney rhyming slang and is also being dropped by helicopter into the remotest jungles of Papua New Guinea so that locals will momentarily reconsider cannibalism—or take a moment to consider how awesome it is to have a food source that’s so readily available.

Below the author holds court with Canada’s book baroness Heather Reisman at her flagship Chapters Indigo location in front of an appreciative crowd.

Participants were asked to fill out cards of their own examples of awesome things that would fit alongside book entries like “slicing open a taped up box with a set of keys or a pen”, (we usually resort to the deranged psychopath stabby method) “sleeping with one leg under the covers and one out” and “driving by your old neighborhood to check out the house you grew up in”.

In a touching moment, Neil’s third grade teacher, warmly remembered as an inspiration to him growing up joined him on stage.  We are thinking of doing the same for our next book launch so if Neil’s teacher is free…

Congratulations on his success.