December 25, 2009 | Pics,religion

Please see our Top 10 Jesus Sightings and Top 10 Offensive Religious Art Pieces! Also, feel free to check out a fun list of the Top 10 Sex-Crazed Cult Leaders

July 23, 2009 | Pics,religion

We’re not particularly religious, except to claim membership when there’s a holiday from work to be had…That being said, here’s one religion whose collection plate we’d leave a little heavier than we found it, rather than the usual reverse.

Though we’re more accustomed to ‘cosmic bowling’ (for the uninitiated, it’s not particularly ‘cosmic’ it’s just regular bowling, glow-in-the-dark style so you can watch your ball roll down a gutter that is as lit up as the average bowler) a so-called ‘commander of the cosmic squadron’ is one of the ostensible prophets of this particular group pictured here (Click here for our previous Top 10 Horniest Cult Leaders).

From what we can gather—unfortunately, we could not delve a bit more into their teachings as their literature is currently being recycled by the city of Toronto—this group believes that lizard-like creatures (Saurians) are looking to enslave mankind by implanting some kind of robotic chip in our brains, which may or may not mean a quicker scan-through in the 8-items or less line at the supermarket but most certainly means membership in the select ‘911 Was an Inside Job‘ fraternity.

A certain prophet ‘Ptaah’—see upper right-hand corner of the picture above—“is a band of energy that exists in every where and every when. In order to communicate with us in third density, he steps down that energy ‘through the Pleiades’ in much the same way that a transformer steps down electrical energy. He speaks through Australian Jani King’, which from what we gather on Google is the world’s largest commercial cleaning franchise. This connection is yet to reveal itself as we only speak conversational ‘second density’, but if there’s carpets to be steam-cleaned and hallways to be wet-mopped, perhaps it soon will.

The ‘Pleiades’, is actually a star cluster obvious to the human eye, referenced all the way back in the Iliad and Odyssey. The Japanese name is ‘Subaru’, currently partnered with auto giant Toyota, the significance of which has also yet to reveal itself, but may still depending on how the bail out package takes hold.

Stay tuned and please check out Holy Christ in the Cornflakes! Top 10 Jesus Sightings.

May 20, 2009 | lists,religion

The French poet Jacques Prevert (and no, that is not a typo; he apparently got there ahead of the perverts), once said:   “Art is never chaste. It ought to be forbidden to ignorant innocents, never allowed into contact with those not sufficiently prepared. Yes, art is dangerous. Where it is chaste, it is not art.” Well these are unchaste works that came into contact with many people who were not sufficiently prepared; most of these would probably have even drawn a “Sacre Bleu!” from Prevert himself. These are the kind of art works that confirm the worst suspicions of little old ladies and give that zealot shaking his fist in anger on the news that much added wrist strength. They have been the subject of protests, letters to the editor and more cries of “is that where my tax dollars are going?” than Canadian cinema. And here they are, the Top 5 Most Offensive Pieces of Religious Art!

5.Yo Mama’s Last Supper by Renee Cox : It all started with Leonardo da Vinci, who was a waiter at the Last Supper and later painted it to help pay his way through art school. Wait, that’s not true, da Vinci was not there, but he did somehow manage to get the seating plan. He created  one of the iconic artworks of the Christian tradition. Since then, numerous artists have done versions of the last supper that don’t feature the original cast members. (Check out this website for 101 “Last Suppers, with everyone from Luke Skywalker to Popeye in the JC role [Of particular interest is who gets the Judas spot in each of these.... Shame on you Captain Crunch. I always knew that sugar rush came at a price.])

Renee Cox’s Yo Mama’s Last Supper, not to be confused with the 80s sitcom “Mama’s Family“, starring Vicki Lawrence in an old lady’s wig as the head of an ignorant hillbilly household, is a photographic work featuring the artist, naked and centre stage, surrounded by 12 black men. Yo Mama drew the ire of Rudy Giuliani (more on him later) who said, “I think that what they did is disgusting, it’s outrageous.” Cox, in a good bit of hypocrite-spotting, wondered from which source the mayor, who had recently separated from his wife due to his penchant for slipping off the wedding ring when a little bit of lovely walked by, derived his moral authority. “Now that he’s been busted with the other woman, I wouldn’t be talking about moral issues,” she said.

What some saw as a blatant attack on an already battle-weary church, others saw as a bold and striking statement on the part of an artist looking to claim a place for herself — by force if need be — in a domain previously off limits to women. We on the other hand, are just thankful that it was Cox and not da Vinci who opted for the starkers self-portrait.

4. Bearded Orientals: Making The Empire Cross by Priscilla Bracks: Back to Australia now and the same exhibition that hosted our No. 9 entry, only one year prior to that. The controversy caused by Homely Jesus was mild compared to this one at year earlier at the same gallery, presumably because the protesters, including the former and current prime minister, had gone hoarse bellowing their condemnation of this one. Priscilla B. exhibited a work that saw the face of Jesus Christ morph into that of Osama Bin Laden. It was the blasphemous equivalent of those pens your buddy’s weird uncle would always have that showed a woman in a bikini flashing the goods if you turned it a certain way.

Former Aussie PM John Howard was not shy about breaking out the adverbs to convey his anger, calling the painting “gratuitiously offensive”. The artist herself denied that she had set out to provoke anyone. “No, no, no”, she said. And perhaps that was not the complete and utter lie it appears to be on first read and our first impression was correct and this is merely a study in beard styles through the ages.

3. The Dogsbody Cartoons of Lars Vilks: We set out initially to cover only works of art that have been presented in galleries, and these cartoons would have fallen into that category had every gallery that was presented with them not refused to show them. Lars Vilks is a Swedish cartoonist who set off a firestorm (and if some of his more zealous detractors have their way…) by drawing cartoons of Mohammad. Before we even get to the offensive part of this, let’s just remember that any attempt to render a likeness of the founder of Islam is verboten in that culture. But in this case — The Prophet’s head on the body of a dog — well we’re pretty sure that meets the standard for blaspheming a revered figure of any religion, save possibly The Church of Thick-Skinned Followers of a Guy Who May Not be Right Anyway, Wadda We Know?.

Lars arranged for some watercolour cartoons he had done along a similar line to be shown in a Swedish gallery, which later pulled out, possibly fearing that the other paintings might not hold up so well while the building is on fire. Vilks himself had to go into hiding, and had a $150,000 bounty put on his head. We couldn’t find these cartoons after a VERY cursory search and we did not break a sweat trying. The only persistent and fanatical people we enjoy antagonizing on a regular basis are telemarketers and those people who try to sign you up for fixed rates on your gas bill.

(There has not been any word recently on Vilks’ progress in turning the controversy over the cartoons into a musical. )

2.) Piss Christ by Andres Serrano: Bodily functions are ideal for profaning the sacred: having a 4am drunken pee on the steps of some religion or other’s house of worship; letting one rip just when the vicar asks the congregation for a moment of silence. Urine and excrement — in the right hands (hands that should be thoroughly washed before dinner) are particularly effective for inciting the faithful.

Apart from the submerged crucifix, Piss Christ is 95% water, .05% ammonia, .6%  sodium, and 100% sacrilegious art of the first order. In 1989, Andres Serrano pissed into a container — not because he was too lazy to make it to the toilet during the Super Bowl — dropped a crucifix in it, took a photo, and ended winning a federal arts prize. This led to the wrath of politicians such as Jesse Helms (recently deceased, see our list of 2008 — Those Who Won’t Be Missed), not exactly the most Christ-like figure when it came to segregation in the 60s, howling from the rooftops.

Serrano moved from Number One to Number Two with a photo collection featuring 66 turds laid by as many different types of animals, and the artist himself.

1.) Holy Virgin Mary by Chris Ofili: It’s hard to know what was a more upsetting moment for Rudy Giuliani: finding out America didn’t really like him all that much when he ran for president or clocking eyes on this piece of work (in a catalogue, not the gallery), and found more causes of upset for the high profile Catholic than a week of rectory exposees on 20/20.  British artist Ofili’s depiction of the Holy Virgin Mary that featured a black Mary, elephant dung on her breast (now had did that get there?) surrounded by what might appear cherubs at first glance, but once you put your contacts in and give it a googly-eyed peer, actually turn out to be naked lady parts. Ofili uses elephant dung on much of his artwork. This is apparently not uncommon in Africa, and indeed places elsewhere in the world use elephant dung for purposes other than pointing it at out at a zoo, grimacing and asking “Where’s the bloody groundskeeper?”

Most people wouldn’t know that and the combination of Mary, dung, and arses would be enough to cause the toupee to rise, hover for a moment, and fall back on the bald head of even the most casual Christmas-Easter churchgoer. Strengthening its case for number one, the painting did what any truly offensive religious painting should do, it drove an elderly man to an act of vigilantism. A 72-year-old man attended a viewing of the show, faked sickness and leaned against a wall, and while the museum staff were wondering awkwardly if anyone would notice if they took a coffee break to avoid having to deal with the old timer getting ready for the last round-up, he took out a tube of paint and squirted it all over Ofili’s painting. He got a $250 fine.

CLICK HERE FOR PART ONE