March 22, 2010 | Rants,weird news

Earlier this month, we posted our list of the Top 7 Killer Whale Attacks (rated by severity of attack – no points for style), which culminated in an orca’s recent drowning of a Florida SeaWorld trainer. Despite the cute names given them – the perpetrator of the Florida attack and No. 2 and 3 on the list has the pet potbelly pig name “Tilly” – killer whales have an unsurprisingly amoral outlook when it comes to treating their human trainers as the in-tank equivalent of children’s bathtub toys. Such attacks could well make people reconsider the value of spending an afternoon watching trained seals toot out the Ballad of the Green Beret and being splashed with germy water. Marine mammal stunt shows must be put in the past, and their one-time popularity remembered as a source of collective shame, like the success of TV’s Growing Pains.

For SeaWorld public-relations officials, long touting the educational benefit of having killer whales intercept footballs, the recent death of one of their trainers brought unwanted attention. A solution was required.

Here are some choices SeaWorld could have made in the wake of the trainer’s death, along with one they did actually make. Free fish from the chum bucket for those who pick SeaWorld’s strategy:

• Announce a plan to shut down all parks, sending the animals unfit for reintegration in the wild to preserves and banning captive breeding.
• Implement a new policy to lessen the need for humans and whales to interact. This could possibly involve body-checking the odd sea lion into the whale’s tank, or having apes in wetsuits stand in for trainers during shows.
• Please the vengeful by announcing “Tilly Burger Sunday”.
• Give trainers a giant toothbrush and wish them all the best.

The picture might have tipped you off, but if you guessed “Giant toothbrush”, you’re right. Trainers, wisely not wanting to get too close to Tilly, have developed a 2-foot extension to the toothbrush they use to polish the orca’s pearlies. Whether three-time killer Tilly will be dissuaded from satiating his blood lust by this change in his oral upkeep remains to be seen.

March 13, 2010 | Rants

The Shark Guys are pleased to announce a recent collaboration with Jon Donnis’ Bad Psychics website and associated network of debunking sites.

Noel recently recorded a segment for the second episode of the Bad Psychics podcast, the Badcast. The topic is psychic year-end predictions. Readers familiar with this rundown of psychic predictions from 2008 and this one from 2009 will be able to safely predict the tone of what he has to say about our clairvoyant friends.

Listen for him at the 13:50 mark, and stay tuned for future Badcasts, as you never know which Shark Guy might turn up!

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January 30, 2010 | Rants

Toronto’s premier conduit for call-girl ads, Eye Weekly, is in a bit of trouble. Its columnists are slowly vanishing and Eye, one of Torstar’s ugly dependents, looks like it’ll soon have its allowance cut off.

Someone once described journalism as “the ability to meet the challenge of filling space” and, with Eye poised on death’s door (death is using the current edition to wipe his boots) it seems its staffers have taken up this challenge; Theater critics have been musing about urban planning, music critics writing about anything and everything—its’ safe to say they’re noticeably a few femurs short of even a skeleton staff.

And this is a shame. What was once a fun little rag full of lively writing from Donna Lypchuk, Bruce LaBruce, Bill Burill, etc, is now nearly exclusively staffed by teen interns, placated with bylines so they won’t go hitting the pavement in search of full-time work.

Over the past few months, the publication, previously known for among other things, placing a premium on the word ‘pastiche’, crappy Venn diagrams and mopping up leaks from the shower has seen a reduction in size to grocery flyer-like proportions— although without the benefit of pointing out the local shop ‘n’ plop has a special on Pert.

Speaking of which, it seems ample endowments are getting in the way of the kinds of navel-gazing that its columnists have become known for of late, case in point:

“We are collectively tit-notized. Big breasts are seductive in a way that’s beyond sex, maybe even beyond the mommy-milk connection. There is the obvious, banal power of big breasts. I can reliably change the dynamic between me and any given male with the release of a button. Watching my breasts move when I walk or have sex or even briefly touch them, makes me feel hot.”

Apart from the obvious issues we have with this—the cheesy ‘soft corn’ writing, if you will—it’s that given the inordinate number of pedestrians taken down in their prime on Toronto streets, watching your tatas move when you walk is probably not the best course of action, especially at busy intersections.

On the plus side, when Eye Weekly finally puts out its last threadbare issue, Torstar’s other, more profitable unit, Harlequin, might be looking for the kind of prose featured above.

And later, from the ‘Theatre’ review:

“Her witty, triumphant displays of vulnerability, including a lip-synched cover of “It’s not Easy Being Green” as lovelorn Kermit, the insertion of multiple clown figures into her vagina as a novel reinterpretation of the classic “clown car”…[Editors' note: presumably not at the same time]  

Such witty, triumphant displays of vulernability can also be found on Patpong Rd in Bangkok, but with ping pong balls.

From ‘How to Drink Better’, “sure, vodka and water tastes a little bland, but really, who drinks alcohol for the taste?” [Editors' note: people over 17?]

Let’s begin the countdown, shall we?

While it’s difficult to watch the journalism profession slowly wither in the digital age, we won’t hold back raising a middle finger to Eye Weekly as it sinks under the weight of its own self-importance and crappy writing. Besides, Now Magazine still has all the band listings.