The Shark Guys » music

Canadian Anthem for Expats

thesharkguys — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 14:26:15 +0000

Ex-pat National Anthem

O Canada!

Once home probative land!

US paychecks loved, in all thy jobs we’ll land.

With remorseless hearts we’d leave thee behind,

To return north a plan B!

From afar we’ve tried, but

No, Canada—we have moved away from ye.

God—weep, our land—let ingloriously be.

O Canada, a green card for me.

Top 17 Jailbait Songs

thesharkguys — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 14:04:25 +0000

Fiction allows you to exorcise demons by writing what you know rather than say shoving someone off a cliff. The following musicians, however, have come dangerously close to self-incrimination, and many are still crooning these creepy paens to the underage long after they’ve blown out more candles than most of the girls’ grandfathers.

So, without further ado, we’re going to raise Catholic school girl kilts on the phenomenon of jailbait minstrelsy with this our Top 17 Jailbait Songs of all Time.

17. Seventeen by Winger

Choice Lyrics: I’ll show you love like you’ve never seen. She’s only seventeen (seventeen). Daddy says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for me.”

Moral relativism in verse. While it’s fashionable to dump on rap for sexism and pairing of gaudy jewellery with athletic-attire (ok, that’s more us), people forget that in the late 80s, people punched air to leering hair metal, which often expressed sentiments not unlike those said to an officer of the court by a registered sex offender.

16. Christine Sixteen by KISS

Choice Lyrics: “I don’t usually say things like this to girls your age, but when I saw you coming out of the school that day, that day I knew, I knew, I’ve got to have you, I’ve got to have you”

Again, lyrical sentiments that sound like something jotted down in a police report.

From the “slowly circling the elementary school parking lot in a tinted van” school of songwriting.

15. All in the Name Of…by Motley Crue

Choice Lyrics: “She’s only fifteen, she’s the reason, the reason that I can’t sleep. You say illegal, I say legal’s never been my scene.

Not exactly a GPS when it comes to moral compasses, Motley Crue weigh in. If you’re female, came of age in the late 80s, and procured a fake driver’s license for a state a few time zones away from wherever the bouncer grew up, you might’ve crossed paths with and (hopefully) given a fake phone number to, these metal reprobates.

14. Dead Wrong by Biggie Smalls

Choice Lyrics: “I like ‘em young, fresh and green with no hair in between, know what I mean?”

Arguably one of the most offensive songs in the entire hip hop canon (and that’s saying something). We’d reproduce the rest here, but this snippet is the most uplifting verse.

Dishonorable Mention: “Catholic Girls” by Frank Zappa
Choice lyrics: In a little white dress/Catholic girls/They never confess/Catholic girls/I got one for a cousin/I love how they go/So send me a dozen

Zappa riffs on the wellspring of many a an underage-baiting rock tune with this one which also includes lyrics about a priest using the confessional to hand out more than Hail Marys.

13. 13 and Good by Boogie Down Productions

Choice Lyrics: “I’m twenty five. She shucked and kinda (indecipherable)
And said, “hee, hee, hee I’m only 13. 13!! I need a quick escape. That’s statutory rape”.

KRS-One, as evidenced by the last line—perhaps the only member of this list fit to offer legal counsel—that is, unless the judge instructed the jury to disregard his “Knowledge Reigns Supreme Over Nearly Everyone” acronym.

12. Hey Nineteen by Steely Dan

Choice Lyrics: “No we got nothing in common, no we can’t talk at all, please take me along/When you slide on down”.

The title: wishful thinking?

Honorable Mention: What’s your Name? by Lynyrd Skynyrd

Choice Lyrics: “The police said we can’t drink in the bar, what a shame.”

11. You’ve Never Been This Far Before by Conway Twitty

Choice Lyrics: “I can feel your body tremble as you wonder what this moment holds in store”.

These days, if you lose your virginity past 21 it’s probably a result of overactive sweat glands or the mental chains of religion. While this song is not explicitly about an underage girl, it could very well be and besides, its overall creepiness, possibly the worst romance song you could ever play in the boudoir, lands it a slot in our, fittingly, 17-and-under list.

10. Jailbait by Motorhead

Choice Lyrics: “Hey baby you’re a sweet young thing, still tied to mommy’s apron strings, I don’t even dare to ask your age, it’s enough to know you’re here backstage.”

“A lady never tells her age.”

Tell that to the gavel-banger. If there are people who know a thing or two about sneaking into clubs underage—it’s musicians—who, at a young age, often snuck in to see favorite performers so they could emulate the carefree/occasionally illegal sex/copious amounts of cocaine lifestyle they would be rewarded with if they ever got famous themselves.

9. Francine by ZZ Top.

Choice Lyrics: “My Francine just turned thirteen, she’s my angelic teenage queen.”

A fitting entry in the BP gulf containment cap standards set by the rest of the songs on this list. Another interesting line: “If I caught her with my mother’s son, I’ll call her daddy and get my gun”.

8. Stray Cat Blues by the Rolling Stones

Choice Lyrics: “I can see that you’re fifteen years old, no I don’t want your I.D.”

The fake I.D. opened lots of legs and doors and was a little bit of plastic and ingenuity that turned seedy bars into multi-generational social mixers. As far as the Stones in their heyday, it seems I.D.s, fake or otherwise, weren’t required. Back when Jagger wasn’t leather and newt, you could imagine Stones security/T-shirt vendors/sound-check guys ushering girls of indeterminate age backstage.

7. The New Style by the Beastie Boys

Choice Lyrics: “If I played guitar I’d be Jimmy Page, the girlies I like are underage.”

A more tongue-in-cheek song than the prededing one, where Jagger put the “ick” in “Mick” (unless of course, you are Jimmy Page).

Dishonorable Mention: Brown Shoes Don’t Make It by Zappa
Choice Lyrics: “Only thirteen, and she knows how to NASTY. She’s a dirty young mind, corrupted, corroded…Well she’s thirteen today, and I hear she gets loaded.”

6. She Got To Move Me by Grand Funk Railroad

Choice Lyrics: “Never should have told me she was only fourteen years old. How was I to know?”

Grand Funk, as a point of interest, one of Homer J. Simpson’s favorite bands: ”The wild, shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner; the bone-crushing bass of Mel Schacher; the competent drum work of Don Brewer?!” There is not a station marked “personal responsibility” on this railroad.

Honorable Mention: Tonight I’m Gonna Rock you Tonight by Spinal Tap
Choice Lyrics: “You’re sweet but you’re just four feet, and you still got your baby teeth, you’re too young and I’m too well hung”

5. 13 by Brian Jonestown Massacre

Choice Lyrics: “Well I know you’re only thirteen honey, but I hoped you’d understand.”

Reach out and touch someone to foster understanding.

4. Jennifer by Styx

Choice Lyrics: “She’s seventeen, barely old enough to cry. A child in her father’s eyes. A woman every night.”

Styx, who earned an honorary place in our list of Awful Bands Named after Geographical Locales (honorary only on a technicality because Styx is a mythical place) certainly cement their status as terrible with this icky bit of verse to which we’re quite averse.

3. Jailbait by Ted Nugent

Choice Lyrics: “Well I don’t care if you’re just thirteen, you look too good to be true. I just know that you’re probably clean, there’s one lil’ thing I got do to you.”

We’re guessing the Motor City Madman is not substitute teaching sex-ed class while the school nurse is away.

2. Alabama Song by The Doors/Kurt Weill/Brecht

Choice Lyrics: “Show me the way to the next little girl/Show me the way to the next pretty boy”

Jim Morrison could’ve altered the “pretty boy” 1927 original with “show me the way to the next Rotary Club so we could raise funds for the new nursing home”, but elected instead to go with “show me the way to the next little girl”. Incidentally, this is probably what Polanski said at Jack Nicholson’s mansion.

Dishonorable Mention: Jailbait by Aerosmith/Jailbait by Wishbone Ash
Choice Lyrics: “Whatchya see in daddy’s eyes, check the voice, ain’t no surprise / “I’m wondering why your face no longer shines, I’m wondering why your face no longer shines”. For the latter, we”ll give you three guesses. A list could’ve been comprised solely of songs called “Jailbait”.

1. Jailbait by Andre Williams

Choice Lyrics: “Trying to get away, from that jail bait…It’s a rough temptation, but a common invitation.”

RSVP a “thanks, but no thanks.”

Karaoke Etiquette

thesharkguys — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 15:20:00 +0000

The Karaoke machine is ubiquitous in Asia. It’s possible to convalesce from surgery and set off “My Way” while trying to summon a nurse, and be prepared to sing a few bars when exiting some of your classier brothels or haggling over a rental car (at some of your finer brothels you can do both, provided you don’t abscond with the talent).

Still, there is no generally-accepted code of behavior when a mic is thrust into your hand and you’re considering whether to audible a call to the bar for another round, read out a license plate of someone’s recently vandalized ride or hum a few bars. This, despite the karaoke machine’s omnipresence and shows like American Idol giving shower belters a place to shriek fully clothed. As occasional performers ourselves—provided palming a pint in the non-mic hand is not only allowed but encouraged, we thought we’d offer some advice for those who’d like a taste of the Japanese salary-man lifestyle minus the high suicide risk in this our nearly definitive guide to Karaoke Etiquette.

1. Never have more than 2 people sharing a mic–unless straw hats and Coney Island Babies are being delivered, everyone should ideally have their own microphone.

2. If a duet is performed, there are two requirements:

a) There should be two people on stage. ‘I’ve Got You Babe’ is more effective if you are not alone up there, pointing to someone randomly in a crowd—especially if the overtures are not being reciprocated. Besides, unless you are a Tuvan throat singer, you will not be able to harmonize with yourself.

b) At the very LEAST trade verses. Don’t sing the same part all the way through. Ideally, attempt harmonies (one member of the duo should provide the soaring high harmonies—preferably if they are not the male half, or things risk getting creepy)

3. During an instrumental break longer than 0:45, it is permissible to dance, provided you don’t miss the cue for the next verse, as this is show business people. Well, a level of show business slightly below demonstrating how the latest in steam innovation removes wrinkles from a hat.

4. Karaoke lends itself to a certain aesthetic— ironic/kitschy, thematic or emotive. If you look like you couldn’t out arm-wrestle David Spade, try ‘You’ve Got Another Thing Comin’; if you’re pregnant, Papa Don’t Preach (although the health effects of doing karaoke during the third trimester can lead to behavioral problems). Nirvana, Guns ‘N’ Roses, Arctic Monkeys, Lil’ Wayne, U2, do not meet the criteria above and warrant wresting away the mic from the performer for their own good and everyone else’s.

5. Do not walk into the crowd like you’re curing the lame at a backyard revival. The microphone will invariably feed-back and unless you are singing a tribute to Justin Bieber, will ruin the performance.

6. The law of diminishing returns as far as drinking is concerned, is much like driving home. Up to 4 pints seems to be just about the right kind of fuel injection to spark a karaoke machine.

7. Never underestimate the vocal range of Freddie Mercury. Like when you’re drunk and fumbling in front of what of you think might be your apartment, do your best to try and pick the key that fits.

8. If your bachelorette party, co-workers, etc, demand to go on stage en masse, instead of gathering around one mic so that each singer is barely audible, make a song selection with enough refrains so that each singer can handle a verse. In the case of American Pie, it can accommodate the entire company softball team.

9. If you are wearing a band shirt and sing a song by that band, you will be more likely remembered and judged the harsher for it.

10. Do not drop the mic and if possible, recreate the James Brown crouching down and being covered with a cape routine, or some of the Temptations’ fancier dance steps.

Shout Out Louds / Freelance Whales Review

thesharkguys — Tue, 11 May 2010 18:07:19 +0000

By honorary Shark Mike Sauve

The Freelance Whales use instruments like the glockenspiel and harmonium and play on New York City street corners. This has earned a lot of hype from a gullible blogosphere starving for authenticity.

They played to a small opening crowd of 7:20pm emo aficionados who would never use the word ‘emo’ to describe themselves, but I cannot keep up with the current labels for these new strains of shitty music, so I condescendingly call it all ‘emo’. This is enough to get you a sneer or two from one of the tougher emo dudes, who are about as tough as Gilbert Gottfried in a tight shirt.

Their rich instrumentation created a sense of promise never fulfilled by the weak-kneed vocals of Judah Dadone (who bares a minor resemblance to another wimpy harmonium player—beat poet Allen Ginsberg.) Their fuller harmonies nearly caught a derivative strain of Arcade(an) Fire, but compositions like “Generator 1st Floor” and “Starring” are so flimsy as to almost not exist. The vocals of lone female member Doris Cellar were a strength, a heavier dose of which might land the freelancers a full-time job scoring car commercials.

The similarly orchestral Shout Out Louds came on shortly after 8 and proved how much more could be done with less nonsense. Simple guitar riffs had the crowd head-banging like they were at an AC/DC concert for asthmatic romantics and pretty girls.

The Swedish veterans’ well-timed jams and moderate use of synth served their simple, energetic songs well. The Freelance Fails (if you want to be a real jerk) were heavy-handed with the synth, used so liberally to patch a number of apparent holes.

SOL singer Adam Olenius’ clumsy foray into the crowd was a nice bit of showmanship before they peaked with a pleasant “Impossible” that brought home the contrast between the two bands. Olenius rewarded the easy-to-please audience with sincere, workmanlike soulfulness as he lustily tapped his tambourine. He also used his ‘outside voice’ when singing, not the 4am confessional telephone whine that has become the scourge of post-Postal Service pretenders like these bloated whales.

But ultimately, even this far superior effort did almost nothing for me. If I walked past either band playing for free in Dundas Square I would keep walking. Looking at the ecstatic audience I wondered, “Have you never been to a concert that actually rocked?” The person I went with later lambasted me for not being able to tell one “independent” band from another. By independent he means bands like Jack’s Mannequin or as a historical example that carries much weight for him, Postal Service. I’m not sure who he thinks they are independent of. Certainly not Ticketmaster or other major conglomerates.

Not being able to distinguish between effete, post-emo emoters is something any 26-year-old man should not only strive for, but wear like a badge of honour. I can tell the difference between a 1998 and a 1999 Bob Dylan bootleg within 15 seconds. I don’t have room in my brain for whatever lies Altnation is selling to the musically naive.

When this friend isn’t referring to these musicians as independent, he’s calling them ‘alternative’. I thought this term had been the victim of semantic blanching and pronounced dead somewhere around 1997. Afterwards it was used simply as a commercial label. Now it’s bloated enough to house these cooing freelance types, but also totally inverted from its original meaning as Nickelback somehow qualifies, the very type of soulless arena-rock Kurt Cobain mocked with such delightful snideness.

This music my friend takes so much pride in is not independent—except of quality. Quality is a whole separate operation.

Mike Sauve is a Toronto freelancer who’s written for the National Post, the Toronto International Film Festival and Exclaim Magazine

Top 100 Cowbell Songs of All Time

thesharkguys — Tue, 04 May 2010 12:56:40 +0000

There are three musical instruments that require no ability whatsoever (if you’re an avid watcher of early episodes of American Idol, you’d be forgiven for thinking the vocal instrument is one of these as you can hear sounds resembling the later rounds of a warehouse dog-fight). These include the triangle, which can be mastered if you’ve already gotten counting to ten down pat, the harmonica, the instrument of choice if you’re doing hard-time that only requires wheezing into it like a CPAP machine and of course, the cowbell.

A decade ago, SNL popularized the phrase ‘More cowbell’ with an excellent sketch featuring Christopher Walken.

To commemorate this outstanding achievement in popular culture, we decided to honor one of Switzerland’s three major contributions to global culture (the others being fondue and shady banking) and give this maligned instrument its due in this our in no way definitive list of what we consider to be the Top 100 Cowbell Songs of All Time.

1. Low Rider / War

2. Stone Free / Jimi Hendrix

3. Mississippi Queen / Mountain

4. Drive My Car / Beatles

5. Nightrain / Guns ‘n’ Roses

6. Diamond Dogs / David Bowie

7. Stuck in the Middle with You / Stealer’s Wheel

8. Play that Funky Music / Wild Cherry

9. All Right Now / Free

10. Don’t Fear the Reaper / Blue Oyster Cult

11. Born on the Bayou / CCR

12. We’re an American Band / Grand Funk

13. Little Sister / Queens of the Stone Age

14. Live Wire / Motley Crue

15. A Passage to Bangkok / Rush

16. Down on the Corner / CCR

17. Calling Dr Love / Kiss

18. Honky Tonk Women / Rolling Stones

19. Backstabbers / O’Jays

20. One Nation Under a Groove / Parliament Funkadelic

21. Oye Como Va / Carlos Santana

22. Rappers Delight / Sugerhill Gang

23. Moby Dick / Led Zeppelin

24. Good Times Bad Times / Led Zeppelin

25. Pigs / Pink Floyd

26. Funk 49 / James Gang

27. Spoonman / Soundgarden

28. Don’t Stop til you Get Enough / Michael Jackson

29. Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet / Hey You BTO

30. Touch of Grey / Grateful Dead

31. Brass in Pocket / Pretenders

32. 99 Problems / Jay-Z

33. Big Pimpin’ / Jay-Z

34. Free Ride / Edgar Winter

35. Rock of Ages / Def Leppard

36. Photograph / Def Leppard

37. Hey Ladies / Beastie Boys

38. Hair of the Dog / Nazareth

39. Killing in the Name of / Rage Against the Machine

40. Faint of Heart / Coheed and Cambria

41. Casino Queen / Wilco

42. Groove is in the Heart / D-Lite

43. Life’s Been Good / Joe Walsh

44. Love Rollercoaster / Ohio Players

45. Vicious / Lou Reed

46. Wiser Time / Black Crowes

47. Freddie’s Dead / Curtis Mayfield

48. Suzie Q / Dale Hawkins

49. Clampdown / The Clash

50. Love Removal Machine / The Cult

51. Psychotic Reaction / Count Five

52. Walk this Way / Aerosmith

53. Mr Browstone / GNR

54. Raw Power / Iggy and the Stooges

55. Rock ‘n’ Roll All Nite / KISS

56. Roxanne / The Police

57. King of Rock / Run DMC

58. Funky Cold Medina / Tone Loc

59. For Your Love / The Yardbirds

60. Hard Day’s Night / The Beatles

61. Gimme Three Steps / Lynyrd Skynyrd

62. Spinning Wheel / Blood, Sweat & Tears

63. Time has Come Today / Chambers Brothers

64. Born to Run / Bruce Springsteen

65. Breakin’ the Law / Judas Priest

66. Rock Lobster / B 52s

67. The Distance / Cake

68. Taxman / The Beatles

69. The Reflex / Duran Duran

70. Once in a Lifetime / Talking Heads

71. I Predict a Riot / Kaiser Chiefs

72. Last Child / Aerosmith

73. Jive Talkin’ / Bee Gees

74. Leave your Hat On / Joe Cocker

75. Go your Own Way / Fleetwood Mac

76. Bungle in the Jungle / Jethro Tull

77. Purple Haze / Jimi Hendrix

78. Cherry Bomb / John Mellancamp

79. My Sharona / The Knack

80. Keep Yourself Alive / Queen

81. Pets / Porno for Pyros

82. Dance to the Music / Sly & the Family Stone

83. In the Mood / Rush

84. Evil Ways / Santana

85. You Wreck Me / Tom Petty

86. Jammin’ Me / Tom Petty

87. Sweet Jane / Velvet Underground

88. Gimme Some Lovin’ / Spencer Davis Group

89. Steal my Kisses / Ben Harper

90. Gold Dust Woman / Fleetwood Mac

91. Keep your Hands to Yourself / Georgia Satellites

92. Pastime Paradise / Stevie Wonder

93. Jamming / Bob Marley

94. A Little Less Conversation / Elvis

95. Can’t Get Enough of your Love / Barry White

96. Short Skirt Long Jacket / Cake

97. Welcome to the Jungle / GNR

98. Do it Again / Steely Dan

99. Dance the Night Away / Van Halen

100. Red Morning Light / I Want You Kings of Leon

Top 10 Worst Fight Songs

thesharkguys — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 13:41:20 +0000

In the fight game, just like the bedroom, it’s important to get off first. This is true whether you’re facing a champ who’ll later make you have bowel movements that look like V8 or, a ‘tomato can’, fight parlance for a heavy bag with feet.

While that old ‘getting off first’ fight maxim may be true, the actual fight actually begins long before the mafia has been consulted, illegal satellite hook ups are rigged and the combatants take to the squared circle: it begins backstage, as the fighters are being introduced.

Important entrance music is key. Triple H uses Motorhead and not the Blue Danube Waltz and in a sport where the outcome is often slightly less premeditated, boxing, Mike Tyson would come in to Time for some Action by Redman and not She’ll be Coming Around the Mountain when She Comes.

Pretty Boy Floyd baits Mexican fans with sombrero

Similarly, in MMA, where they apply moves like a ‘guillotine’, designed to cut off oxygen to the brain that if applied for too long, would turn registered republicans into Tea Party supporters, they look for music that is intimidating and gets the crowd even more fired up than the realization they bet on the wrong guy earlier in the evening and will have to drown their sorrows with booze and increasing violence.

In the UFC, fighters will march into the ring to tunes like God’s Gonna Cut you Down or Many Men by 50 Cent. Former math teacher Rich ‘Ace’ Franklin (we’ll tackle horrible nicknames another time) will knock quadratic equations into his opponents after the strains of For Those About to Rock deafen ears; Former wrestling Olympian Dan Henderson’s choice of Lunatic Fringe conveys that he means business while meathead WWE grappler Brock Lesnar intimidates with Shout at the Devil. There are some songs though, that are best left to the confetti and desperation that is the wedding DJ circuit. Here then are our Top 10 Worst Fights Songs to be used as entrance music.

10. Please help me I’m falling (Hank Locklin)

Choice Lyrics:

I can never be free dear, but when I’m with you I know that I’m losing the will to be true.

9. Why Can’t We be Friends (War)

Choice Lyrics:

The title, pretty much over and over again. Song was used by the Brick Hit House Homer J Simpson when he took on Drederick Tatum

8. All I want to do is Make Love to you (Heart)
Choice Lyrics:
I’ve got lovin’ arms to hold on to.

Honorable Mention: Do that to Me One More time (Captain and Tennille)

7. You Always Hurt the One you Love (Michael Buble/Mills Brothers)

Choice Lyrics:
You always hurt the one you love the one you should not hurt at all

6. Good Vibrations (Beach Boys)
Choice Lyrics:
I’m pickin’ up good vibrations, she’s giving me excitations.

5. Man I Feel like a Woman (Shania Twain)
Choice Lyrics:
Apart from the obvious: The girls need a break tonight.

Honorable Mention: Bitch (Meredith Brooks)

Choice Lyrics:
I’m a bitch I’m a lover / I’m a child I’m a mother

4. You are So Beautiful (to me) Billy Preston / Bruce Fisher
Choice Lyrics:
Can’t you see, you’re everything I hoped for?

3. This Land is your Land (Woody Guthrie/Traditional)
Choice Lyrics:
This land was made for you and me.

Honorable Mention:

We are going to be Friends (White Stripes)

2. Feel like Makin’ Love (Bad Company)
Choice Lyrics:
Baby when I think about you, I think about love

Honorable Mention:

Welcome Back (John Sebastian)
Choice Lyrics:
Welcome back, to the place that we used to laugh about

1. Give Peace a Chance (John Lennon and Yoko Ono)

Choice Lyrics straightforward.

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Top 10 Things that Would have Improved We are the World

thesharkguys — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 20:49:33 +0000

Hot on the heels of perhaps the most patronizing song of all time, “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” (which would’ve been more accurately titled ”You do Realize, the Continent is Predominantly Muslim, Right?”) Lionel Ritchie and Michael Jackson were brought on board for another celebrity sing-along for charity and came up with the somewhat less patronizing, ”We are the World.”

We’re both big fans of the late Michael Jackson—-it doesn’t feel right saying that—not that we can’t come to terms with his being dead, but the expression, which is more suited to being fashionably late or a scary delay around that time of the month. We’re sure those original recording sessions (in which Waylon Jennings stormed off after the effrontery of a verse sung in Swahili) were a real gas and much preferable, to say, forking over $20 bucks to stand in a room at Sun Studios and get photographed singing into a mic.

After the Haitian disaster, another star-studded glee club was slapped together to reprise the song, including, for some reason Barbara Streisand and a small white kid standing beside Usher (see pic above). After listening to this song (we recommend that after you click on all the associated ads here, donating to that other worthy cause) we thought there were certainly ways in which it could’ve been improved.

So, here are the Top 10 Things that Woul’dve Improved We Are the World.

10. A barbershop quartet. Straw hats, canes and good-natured quipping would’ve added a much-needed sense of levity to the proceedings.

9. A flaming gong. In the 80s, a highlight of a Van Halen show was when a giant gong was lit and then clubbed into submission by the band’s drummer. This was an improvement on Jimi Hendrix lighting his guitar on fire, because the gong could be lit on fire repeatedly without adding considerably to the tour’s bottom line with replacement guitars (lighting fire to cheap, substitute pawn-shop guitars just doesn’t have the same cache).

8. Auto-tune malfunction. The device helps people stay in pitch, and, like a corked bat and widely abused steroids in pro baseball— gives an unfair advantage. Lil Wayne, who couldn’t hold a tune if one was in a holding cell with him, should’ve been auto-deleted.

7. A double-necked guitar. Jimmy Page had one, Otto from the Simpsons got funding for one when when Springfield Elementary struck oil and if there’s something missing from this song it’s about 1:45 seconds’ worth of guitar soloing.

6. Didgeridoo. Unfortunately, it could not be fit into the studio.

5. Replacing two-thirds of participants with Tony Bennett. This almost goes without saying. Almost.

4. A singing telegram. Unfortunately, this tradition fell out of favor with the development of the telephone. Still, a viable alternative to Kanye West.

3. A few lines of free verse or a tribute to John Cage’s silent musical piece 4’33″. According to Cage’s direction (and not to be confused with The Sounds of Silence), this silent piece consisted of ”sounds of the environment that the listeners hear while it is performed”. In the case of “We are the World” it would’ve been say, Wyclef Jean asking Celine Dion, ‘uh, do you mind not encroaching on my personal space?” as well as fidgeting, texting and coughing.

2. Kodo drummers to drown out most of the histrionics.

1. A cowbell. Because it really needed more cowbell.

Top 10 Songs Not to be Played to Someone on a Ledge

thesharkguys — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 03:14:45 +0000

Winston Churchill once remarked “Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.” To be shot with result however, is undoubtedly one of the more popular ways of expediting your way through life’s checkout line.

Right up there though, a fear of heights excepted, is leaping off something suitably towering as there is nothing that’ll bring you down to earth faster than gravity.

In San Francisco, they know a thing or two about this as the Golden Gate Bridge has launched more bodies than a trade show for trampolines.

A gruesome article in the Chronicle pointed out that after one of these sans parachute skydives, the human body goes from 80 mph to nearly zero in a nanosecond and internal organs tend to keep going according to the physics of inertia—let’s just say that this method of passing is a lot more violent than being smothered in a less than reputable nursing home.

Autopsy reports typically indicate jumpers have lacerated internal organs and don’t always kick it on impact so it behooves the rest of us, should we find someone in such a vulnerable position, to minimize the risk of auto insurance claims being filed below and to help the person out as best we can.

A UK DJ, staking a claim to moral real estate so far-flung it might land him an invite to freelance here, recently played a request for Van Halen’s Jump, while a four-lane highway was closed and traffic snarled due to efforts to talk a suicidal woman down 30 feet. Understandably, this was met with much objection although one editorial pointed out that “the courageous DJ was expressing solidarity and compassion for the poor drivers stuck in traffic.”

Think of this as a PSA of sorts, not that prostate exam but the other kind, for what types of songs should not, under any circumstances, be blasted from the sound-system of your ride when someone is out on a ledge.

10. Jump Flo Rida / Up Where we Belong Joe Cocker Jennifer Warnes

Choice Lyrics:

“Now I’m gonna take it to the roof

Everybody with me got they own parachute.”

and…

“Love lift us up where we belong

Far from the world below.”

9. I’m Gonna Fly Amy Grant

Choice Lyrics

“I’m gonna fly

No one knows where

But I’m gonna fly.”

8. Jumpin Jack Flash Rolling Stones

Choice Lyrics

“I was drowned

I was washed up and left for dead.”

7. Tonight we Fly Divine Comedy

Choice Lyrics:

Tonight we fly

Over the chimney tops

Skylights and slates -

Looking into all your lives

And wondering why

Happiness is so hard to find

6. Spread your Wings Queen

Choice Lyrics

“Fly away, far away.

That’s because you’re a free man.”

5. Jump Simple Plan

Choice Lyrics

“I wanna break free

I’m so frustrated

I just wanna jump”

4. Free Fallin’ Tom Petty

Choice Lyrics

“Gonna free fall, out into nothin’

Gonna leave this world for a while.”

3. I Believe I can Fly R Kelly

Choice Lyrics

“I think about it every night and day

Spread my wings and fly away”

2. Learning to Fly Tom Petty

Choice Lyrics

“Learning to fly when you ain’t got wings,

Comin’ down is the hardest thing”

1. Jump Van Halen

Choice Lyrics

“Might as well jump, go ahead jump”

Honorable Mentions:

I Fall to Pieces, Patsy Cline, Suicide Solution, Ozzy Osbourne, Another One Bites the Dust, Queen, Fall on Me, R.E.M. Flying without Wings, Westlife, Flight of Icarus, Iron Maiden

Top 10 Worst Leonard Cohen Album Covers

thesharkguys — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 12:11:12 +0000

In the latter half of the 20th century, three Montrealers – Leonard Cohen, Pierre Trudeau and Mordecai Richler – redefined the spheres of popular music, politics and writing within Canada.

With Trudeau, the day of the Canadian politician who looked like the miserable principal of a monochromatic highschool was gone in favor of a man so flashy and cool that John Lennon sought him out for a meeting, while Mick Jagger bedded his wife (not usually a marker of cool if not for the fact that Trudeau was busy bedding ladies who were not his wife in kind). Likewise, Mordecai Richler gave young Canadian writers hope – false though it may have been – that there existed within the Canadian literary scene possibilities beyond the interminable stories about the incest, dementia, and abominable weather conditions faced by frontier families and the godforsaken generations after them also raised alongside a hellacious mosquito-infested bogwater. He brought Canadian literature into the city, wrote brilliant satire and did so with none of the pastoral pretense of a novelist writing as if he’s practicing his Giller acceptance speech or grovelling for a grant.

Leonard Cohen is the sole survivor of these three Montreal maestros, a Canadian singer-songwriter with an air of European cool, who luckily does not croon in Danish. In Leonard Cohen: Hallelujah: A New Biography, honorary Shark Guy and blogger, Tim Footman nimbly dissects the complicated appeal of the “Bard of the Bedsit”. This is not a book meant solely to solely be a one-sided celebration of a man who could be bronzed and put in a park at any moment. What separates Hallelujah from much of what else has been written about Cohen is that it is not afraid to wipe off some of the gloss on the Cohen image. How a man who gives off such an air of assured self-confidence can spend years anxiously fretting over getting a song just right. How the man who apparently has an all-seasons pass to the bedrooms of every woman with a pulse once was left broken-hearted and spurned by the Velvet Underground’s Nico, who may have had Neo-Nazi sentiments to boot.

While most biographers are Cohen fans to the point of blinding themselves to any tears in his “famous blue raincoat”, Footman approaches his subject squarely — celebrating the achievements, while noting the utter failures. (The Cohen song “Fingerprints“, he writes, is “…possibly one of the most horrid and pointless things Cohen has ever recorded, as if he’d resurrected the Buckskin Boys [Cohen's high school band, a country outfit] to sing about divorce at a square dance.”) And unlike some of the Cohen hagiographies that have preceded it, and much in the spirit the great man has shown himself on his recent tour, the book approaches its subject with a welcome sense of humor. Cohen, one presumes, would have wanted it that way. How could he write about being “blessed with a golden voice” if he wasn’t a comedian at heart?

In that spirit, we pick up on a theme in Tim’s book, the consistently terrible cover art that has accompanied Leonard Cohen’s albums for almost his entire career. The 10 albums pictured below account for a sizable chunk of his oeuvre, and Cohen was not printing these in his basement — much of the work you see done here (with the exception, as noted, of No. 1) was done by top industry professionals.

Here, accompanied by excerpts in italics from Leonard Cohen: Hallelujah are the 10 Ugliest Leonard Cohen Album Covers!

10. More Best Of Leonard Cohen

This is certainly the best looking of the album covers on this list. The main complaint here from a visual standpoint is the use of the Cohen symbols at the bottom, which also litter the sleeves of other Cohen albums and books and here have the effect of someone compounding the youthful folly of getting one ugly tattoo by getting five more to distract from the first. The photo is fine and the font choice makes a valid, though failed attempt to downplay the utterly terrible name of the album — “More Best Of”. It is, as Tim notes, “a stylistic and grammatical abomination of a title if ever there was one.”

9. Songs from a Room

The front image is an improvement on its predecessor [see The Songs of Leonard Cohen, below] , but still no classic: a monochrome shot of the artist looking decidedly stern, on a white background.

8. Various Positions

“… The cover photograph – a stubbly, suddenly old-looking Cohen scowling into the lens of a Polaroid camera – was the depiction of a man who just wanted to get it all over and done with.”

7. Songs of Leonard Cohen.

The album cover for Leonard Cohen’s debut album, an auspicious occasion marred by an image of him conjuring up the image of Michael Corleone, “I don’t feel I have to wipe everybody out, Just my enemies”… Well, whoever green-lighted this font would be high on the hit list.

“The cover design appears to have received little thought: a sepia head shot of the performer, taken in a photo booth in Montreal, with the album’s title in lettering that may have appeared cutting-edge at the time, but now looks dated to the point of self-parody… Half-assed as it was, this would by no means turn out to be the worst packaging to adorn Cohen’s work.”

6. Death of a Ladies’ Man

Not a fine moment in album photography and with a font and use of bars that date it more than Cohen’s youthful looks. Also unappealing, the look on Cohen’s ex-wife’s Suzanne Elrod’s face, one more commonly seen as weekend visitation rights for the family dog are worked out in divorce court.

5. Songs of Love and Hate

“Much of the album is pretty bleak, comprising the sort of songs that Cohen-haters and Cohen-mockers point to when they suggest that he just makes music to accompany whimpering and wrist-slashing. … The cover isn’t so great, either: white lettering on black, with an inexpertly cut head shot of an unshaven Cohen, grinning like a beatific hobo.”

4. The Future

“The cover is rather mediocre as well, resembling the sort of tattoo an accountant might get to celebrate a divorce.”

3. Recent Songs

The cover (an amateurish portrait of Cohen, based on a photograph taken by Hazel Field) was pretty ropey, but diehard fans had by now become used to that sort of thing.

2. Cohen Live (1994)

“What do you think of when you think Leonard Cohen?” “Uggh, the moon… castles…” “Perfect, put that on there, and add some other crap on the side. Limit yourself to the colors available on a 1984 Commodore 64 computer.”

1. Dear Heather

Dear Heather: “… The album sleeve is an absolute shocker, resembling nothing so much as the packaging for a range of feminine hygiene products from about 1986, decorated with the Chinese symbol for his monastic name, ‘Jikan’. Cohen has nobody to blame for this, as it’s based on one of his own drawings.”

—-

Of course, we kid Leonard and these covers do not reflect the content of the albums… mostly. Tim Footman closes out his book with a list of his 10 favorite Leonard Cohen songs, and Noel, the more die-hard Leonard Cohen fan of the two SharkGuys, thought he’d do the same so here is:

Noel’s Top 10 Favorite Leonard Songs:
1) Sisters of Mercy
2) Ballad Of The Absent Mare
3) Everybody Knows
4) Hey That’s No Way To Say Goodbye
5) Famous Blue Raincoat
6) Bird on The Wire
7) Closing Time
8) Waiting for The Miracle
9) Chelsea Hotel # 2
10) I Can’t Forget

Top 10 Tips for Becoming a Successful Indie Band

thesharkguys — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 15:57:20 +0000

As we all know, ‘indie’ is a euphemism for ‘not successful enough to pursue music full time’ and synonymous with ‘hobbyist’ or ‘dabbler’.

Indie though can also refer to a cheap marketing gambit devised to give big-label artists embarrassed by their success, the kind of street cred you can only get by getting shot 9 times (and indie bands never get shot, probably because of a lack of readily available firearms in recently gentrified neighborhoods and also because they’re an emaciated, malnourished target, especially in profile).

Some of your more successful indie bands (give yourself a round of ironic applause if you notice this is actually an oxymoron) have commonly held attributes that don’t jive with their efforts to be perceived as unique and highly original by the mainstream.

Here then, as a companion piece to our How to be a Rock Critic —Top 10 Tips for Becoming a Successful Indie Band (warning: stop reading if you’ve studied music formally, would never consider wearing a black vest or a plaid shirt—not together— or if your parents earn less than $145,000 in household income).

1. Give yourself a name that is difficult or confusing to read and pronounce.

This strategy has also been particularly effective in keeping patrons out of restaurants run by money launderers. MGMT is a perfect example. If record stores still existed, one of your social betters working there decked out in a winter hat in the middle of a heat wave, would make fun of your inability to know that this in fact stands for ‘mega-meat’ (and not, as some would have you believe, the act of getting people together to accomplish desired goals and objectives in a business setting or reading the letters M, G, M T aloud).

2. Have one, but no more than one, non-white member.

Although it is a guarantee that this band member will not in any way contribute any aspects of their ethno-musical heritage to the group, having their family attend a gig is one way to break the all-Caucasian audience share.

3. Pick a band name that is as long as possible.

For example: That’s not What I Said that’s Just what you Think I Said (if you do indeed go with this band name, please credit us in the liner notes and allow us to sing backing vocals for at least one track on your upcoming project—but bear in mind, the performance will be phoned in—literally as well, as the two of us live in different hemispheres). For more on this, please see our 25 Horrible Bands Named after Places.

4. Make sure that the bass player does not inadvertently strike a bass note.

This would result in ironic movement from one foot to the other, which is known in this cultural set as ‘dancing’.

5. Have two band members or ideally, as many as possible.

The former is preferable as the math for figuring out how to split songwriting royalties 14 different ways is far too complex. However, a greater variety of thrift-store clothing can be showcased with a larger ensemble.

6. At least one band member requires an ironic mustache or a beard.

If the latter, dressed like a confederate soldier and the former, a recently paroled sex offender or foil in a bad improv comedy troupe.

7. Play an undersized keyboard.

This is surprisingly important and we’re not sure why. However it is important that chords are avoided and to simply plunk away at single notes like a highly trained parrot, to make weird noises, or better still a loop of someone leaving a particularly poignant voice-mail.

8. No member of the band, male or female should exceed 120 lbs.

This is pretty easy to enforce as the same rules apply here as they do in the world of fashion—funds that would ordinarily go toward groceries go to procuring cocaine and cases of beer once preferred by the working class.

9. Definitely no guitar solos.

This is indicative of attempting to achieve some kind of technical expertise, an outward sign of effort. For those who are unaware, a guitar solo consists of showcased, consecutively played notes, often played melodically so that it stands out from the rest of the band.

10. Album titles are inversely proportional to the length of the band’s name.

For example: You Really Should have Known that Your Actions Would have Consequences, C’mon, by 3! (this does not, as of yet exist but we’ve heard their demo and think it’s quite promising). The new album by All Hail Our Conquering Heroes, our Mighty Overlords would be called ‘mauve’ [lower case].