Tags: Canada, national anthems, songs
August 7, 2010 | music
Ex-pat National Anthem
O Canada!
Once home probative land!
US paychecks loved, in all thy jobs we’ll land.
With remorseless hearts we’d leave thee behind,
To return north a plan B!
From afar we’ve tried, but
No, Canada—we have moved away from ye.
God—weep, our land—let ingloriously be.
O Canada, a green card for me.
O Canada, a green card for me.
August 2, 2010 | lists,music
Fiction allows you to exorcise demons by writing what you know rather than say shoving someone off a cliff. The following musicians, however, have come dangerously close to self-incrimination, and many are still crooning these creepy paens to the underage long after they’ve blown out more candles than most of the girls’ grandfathers.
So, without further ado, we’re going to raise Catholic school girl kilts on the phenomenon of jailbait minstrelsy with this our Top 17 Jailbait Songs of all Time.
Choice Lyrics: I’ll show you love like you’ve never seen. She’s only seventeen (seventeen). Daddy says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for me.”
Moral relativism in verse. While it’s fashionable to dump on rap for sexism and pairing of gaudy jewellery with athletic-attire (ok, that’s more us), people forget that in the late 80s, people punched air to leering hair metal, which often expressed sentiments not unlike those said to an officer of the court by a registered sex offender.
Choice Lyrics: “I don’t usually say things like this to girls your age, but when I saw you coming out of the school that day, that day I knew, I knew, I’ve got to have you, I’ve got to have you”
Again, lyrical sentiments that sound like something jotted down in a police report.
From the “slowly circling the elementary school parking lot in a tinted van” school of songwriting.
15. All in the Name Of…by Motley Crue
Choice Lyrics: “She’s only fifteen, she’s the reason, the reason that I can’t sleep. You say illegal, I say legal’s never been my scene.
Not exactly a GPS when it comes to moral compasses, Motley Crue weigh in. If you’re female, came of age in the late 80s, and procured a fake driver’s license for a state a few time zones away from wherever the bouncer grew up, you might’ve crossed paths with and (hopefully) given a fake phone number to, these metal reprobates.
14. Dead Wrong by Biggie Smalls
Choice Lyrics: “I like ‘em young, fresh and green with no hair in between, know what I mean?”
Arguably one of the most offensive songs in the entire hip hop canon (and that’s saying something). We’d reproduce the rest here, but this snippet is the most uplifting verse.
Dishonorable Mention: “Catholic Girls” by Frank Zappa
Choice lyrics: In a little white dress/Catholic girls/They never confess/Catholic girls/I got one for a cousin/I love how they go/So send me a dozen
Zappa riffs on the wellspring of many a an underage-baiting rock tune with this one which also includes lyrics about a priest using the confessional to hand out more than Hail Marys.
13. 13 and Good by Boogie Down Productions
Choice Lyrics: “I’m twenty five. She shucked and kinda (indecipherable)
And said, “hee, hee, hee I’m only 13. 13!! I need a quick escape. That’s statutory rape”.
KRS-One, as evidenced by the last line—perhaps the only member of this list fit to offer legal counsel—that is, unless the judge instructed the jury to disregard his “Knowledge Reigns Supreme Over Nearly Everyone” acronym.
12. Hey Nineteen by Steely Dan
Choice Lyrics: “No we got nothing in common, no we can’t talk at all, please take me along/When you slide on down”.
The title: wishful thinking?
Honorable Mention: What’s your Name? by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Choice Lyrics: “The police said we can’t drink in the bar, what a shame.”
11. You’ve Never Been This Far Before by Conway Twitty
Choice Lyrics: “I can feel your body tremble as you wonder what this moment holds in store”.
These days, if you lose your virginity past 21 it’s probably a result of overactive sweat glands or the mental chains of religion. While this song is not explicitly about an underage girl, it could very well be and besides, its overall creepiness, possibly the worst romance song you could ever play in the boudoir, lands it a slot in our, fittingly, 17-and-under list.
10. Jailbait by Motorhead
Choice Lyrics: “Hey baby you’re a sweet young thing, still tied to mommy’s apron strings, I don’t even dare to ask your age, it’s enough to know you’re here backstage.”
“A lady never tells her age.”
Tell that to the gavel-banger. If there are people who know a thing or two about sneaking into clubs underage—it’s musicians—who, at a young age, often snuck in to see favorite performers so they could emulate the carefree/occasionally illegal sex/copious amounts of cocaine lifestyle they would be rewarded with if they ever got famous themselves.
9. Francine by ZZ Top.
Choice Lyrics: “My Francine just turned thirteen, she’s my angelic teenage queen.”
A fitting entry in the BP gulf containment cap standards set by the rest of the songs on this list. Another interesting line: “If I caught her with my mother’s son, I’ll call her daddy and get my gun”.
8. Stray Cat Blues by the Rolling Stones
Choice Lyrics: “I can see that you’re fifteen years old, no I don’t want your I.D.”
The fake I.D. opened lots of legs and doors and was a little bit of plastic and ingenuity that turned seedy bars into multi-generational social mixers. As far as the Stones in their heyday, it seems I.D.s, fake or otherwise, weren’t required. Back when Jagger wasn’t leather and newt, you could imagine Stones security/T-shirt vendors/sound-check guys ushering girls of indeterminate age backstage.
7. The New Style by the Beastie Boys
Choice Lyrics: “If I played guitar I’d be Jimmy Page, the girlies I like are underage.”
A more tongue-in-cheek song than the prededing one, where Jagger put the “ick” in “Mick” (unless of course, you are Jimmy Page).
Dishonorable Mention: Brown Shoes Don’t Make It by Zappa
Choice Lyrics: “Only thirteen, and she knows how to NASTY. She’s a dirty young mind, corrupted, corroded…Well she’s thirteen today, and I hear she gets loaded.”
6. She Got To Move Me by Grand Funk Railroad
Choice Lyrics: “Never should have told me she was only fourteen years old. How was I to know?”
Grand Funk, as a point of interest, one of Homer J. Simpson’s favorite bands: ”The wild, shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner; the bone-crushing bass of Mel Schacher; the competent drum work of Don Brewer?!” There is not a station marked “personal responsibility” on this railroad.
Honorable Mention: Tonight I’m Gonna Rock you Tonight by Spinal Tap
Choice Lyrics: “You’re sweet but you’re just four feet, and you still got your baby teeth, you’re too young and I’m too well hung”
5. 13 by Brian Jonestown Massacre
Choice Lyrics: “Well I know you’re only thirteen honey, but I hoped you’d understand.”
Reach out and touch someone to foster understanding.
Choice Lyrics: “She’s seventeen, barely old enough to cry. A child in her father’s eyes. A woman every night.”
Styx, who earned an honorary place in our list of Awful Bands Named after Geographical Locales (honorary only on a technicality because Styx is a mythical place) certainly cement their status as terrible with this icky bit of verse to which we’re quite averse.
3. Jailbait by Ted Nugent
Choice Lyrics: “Well I don’t care if you’re just thirteen, you look too good to be true. I just know that you’re probably clean, there’s one lil’ thing I got do to you.”
We’re guessing the Motor City Madman is not substitute teaching sex-ed class while the school nurse is away.
2. Alabama Song by The Doors/Kurt Weill/Brecht
Choice Lyrics: “Show me the way to the next little girl/Show me the way to the next pretty boy”
Jim Morrison could’ve altered the “pretty boy” 1927 original with “show me the way to the next Rotary Club so we could raise funds for the new nursing home”, but elected instead to go with “show me the way to the next little girl”. Incidentally, this is probably what Polanski said at Jack Nicholson’s mansion.
Dishonorable Mention: Jailbait by Aerosmith/Jailbait by Wishbone Ash
Choice Lyrics: “Whatchya see in daddy’s eyes, check the voice, ain’t no surprise / “I’m wondering why your face no longer shines, I’m wondering why your face no longer shines”. For the latter, we”ll give you three guesses. A list could’ve been comprised solely of songs called “Jailbait”.
1. Jailbait by Andre Williams
Choice Lyrics: “Trying to get away, from that jail bait…It’s a rough temptation, but a common invitation.”
RSVP a “thanks, but no thanks.”
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July 19, 2010 | music
The Karaoke machine is ubiquitous in Asia. It’s possible to convalesce from surgery and set off “My Way” while trying to summon a nurse, and be prepared to sing a few bars when exiting some of your classier brothels or haggling over a rental car (at some of your finer brothels you can do both, provided you don’t abscond with the talent).
Still, there is no generally-accepted code of behavior when a mic is thrust into your hand and you’re considering whether to audible a call to the bar for another round, read out a license plate of someone’s recently vandalized ride or hum a few bars. This, despite the karaoke machine’s omnipresence and shows like American Idol giving shower belters a place to shriek fully clothed. As occasional performers ourselves—provided palming a pint in the non-mic hand is not only allowed but encouraged, we thought we’d offer some advice for those who’d like a taste of the Japanese salary-man lifestyle minus the high suicide risk in this our nearly definitive guide to Karaoke Etiquette.
1. Never have more than 2 people sharing a mic–unless straw hats and Coney Island Babies are being delivered, everyone should ideally have their own microphone. 
2. If a duet is performed, there are two requirements:
a) There should be two people on stage. ‘I’ve Got You Babe’ is more effective if you are not alone up there, pointing to someone randomly in a crowd—especially if the overtures are not being reciprocated. Besides, unless you are a Tuvan throat singer, you will not be able to harmonize with yourself.
b) At the very LEAST trade verses. Don’t sing the same part all the way through. Ideally, attempt harmonies (one member of the duo should provide the soaring high harmonies—preferably if they are not the male half, or things risk getting creepy)
3. During an instrumental break longer than 0:45, it is permissible to dance, provided you don’t miss the cue for the next verse, as this is show business people. Well, a level of show business slightly below demonstrating how the latest in steam innovation removes wrinkles from a hat.
4. Karaoke lends itself to a certain aesthetic— ironic/kitschy, thematic or emotive. If you look like you couldn’t out arm-wrestle David Spade, try ‘You’ve Got Another Thing Comin’; if you’re pregnant, Papa Don’t Preach (although the health effects of doing karaoke during the third trimester can lead to behavioral problems). Nirvana, Guns ‘N’ Roses, Arctic Monkeys, Lil’ Wayne, U2, do not meet the criteria above and warrant wresting away the mic from the performer for their own good and everyone else’s.
5. Do not walk into the crowd like you’re curing the lame at a backyard revival. The microphone will invariably feed-back and unless you are singing a tribute to Justin Bieber, will ruin the performance.
6. The law of diminishing returns as far as drinking is concerned, is much like driving home. Up to 4 pints seems to be just about the right kind of fuel injection to spark a karaoke machine.
7. Never underestimate the vocal range of Freddie Mercury. Like when you’re drunk and fumbling in front of what of you think might be your apartment, do your best to try and pick the key that fits.
8. If your bachelorette party, co-workers, etc, demand to go on stage en masse, instead of gathering around one mic so that each singer is barely audible, make a song selection with enough refrains so that each singer can handle a verse. In the case of American Pie, it can accommodate the entire company softball team.
9. If you are wearing a band shirt and sing a song by that band, you will be more likely remembered and judged the harsher for it.
10. Do not drop the mic and if possible, recreate the James Brown crouching down and being covered with a cape routine, or some of the Temptations’ fancier dance steps.
