Generally, more ear pleasing noises can be heard at a hog-calling contest for the hearing impaired than your average karaoke bar.
Now, there are some songs that take a certain amount of panache to bring down the house and avoid being drowned out by some depressed drunk firing coins into the jukebox to hear the real thing. The sonic heights of Bohemian Rhapsody, for one, are best attempted in the confines of the shower provided you close the bathroom window first and don’t own any jittery pets.
With this in mind, if you you are someone given to making more ears bleed than a peckish Mike Tyson, it’s best to call for backup to double the odds that a member of your twosome, even if they ordinarily might not be able to carry a tune without one being strapped to their chest with an explosive device, can handle the sonic load. (With the added benefit of having a partner in crime against musicality, free to refresh your drink during alternating verses)
With four or five pitchers of stale beer often a performance prerequisite (the equivalent of warm-up stretching for the average warbler), it’s even that much more important if you’re going to climb that karaoke mountain, to have a Sonny to your Cher (and ensuring proper safety precautions as you scale back down it) so that fewer words are missed scrolling by on the monitor–a level of skill that might be a precursor to some of the sobriety tests that might have to be passed later on in the evening. [Editor's note: See The Top 10 Bar Songs of All Time and Top 10 Drinking & Driving Songs of All Time]
Given people’s election fatigue, we figured we’d lighten it up a bit and present the followingTop 10 Karaoke Song Duets of All Time, so that 12 scotch and sodas into your next bachelor party, if you’re able to convince someone else to share your bad decision-making, you won’t have to be both Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond for ‘You Don’t Bring me Flowers’.
10. Picture by Kid Rock & Sheryl Crow. There are some people who’d say that Kid Rock is a multi-talented instrumentalist and songwriter and these people would be in attendance at his family reunion. Generally speaking, someone with migraines, their head in a vice and getting squash balls shot off their ass cheeks makes sounds more pleasant to the ear than anything Mr Rock has ever put out, but the man should be given his due as he’s sporadically capable of rendering something decent, sort of like when a con grinds out a license plate.
Paired with Crow, who was once ridden by Lance Armstrong in between Tour de Frances, the lyric “I was off to drink you awaaaaaayy!” will be met with rousing cheers and much stale ale wiped down off the tables.
9. The Girl is Mine, by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. For those of you favoring affirmative action, this ‘up with people’ crowd pleaser (depending on exactly what kind of bar you’re singing in) lends itself to bi-racial performance as Michael Jackson was technically still black when this was performed and you can haul your own black friend out to bring the house down. ['Girl' can even be substituted for 'boy' during the Jacko parts to great applause]
8.Crazy in Love, by Jay-Z and Beyonce Knowles It’s a cliche to say that people have more money than God, but in this case, the power couple can underwrite the man upstairs, bail out Lehman Brothers and still have something left over to take each other somewhere nice. [Caveat: Jay-Z's rap comes at the 2 minute mark of this 4 minute song, leaving the male half in a performance in the unenviable position of having to chose whether to either dance awkwardly on the spot or keep their hands in their pockets throughout]
7. Broken by Seether and Amy Lee ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome’, a bit of emo redundancy from Seether and Amy Lee. A ’seether’ for those who were wondering, is a cooking pot and all things considered it’s a much better band name than ‘Cutting Board’.
6. Up Where We Belong Joe Cocker Jennifer Warnes
Joe Cocker, a guy who bears a superficial resemblance to Charlie Manson (see our Top 10 Horniest Cult Leaders of All Time) has a voice that sounds like he gargles with Lysol and whose taser-inspired gyrations are legendary, pairs up with the sweet alto of Jennifer Warnes for this Buffy St Marie penned ballad. Producer Don Simpson, apparently claimed “The song is no good. It isn’t a hit” and he was half-right, as anyone in the crowd when a couple of drunken lovebirds take to the stage to belt this one out.
5. I’ve Had the Time of My Life Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes: Ms. Warnes back again, this time teaming up with arguably the more righteous of the Righteous Brothers, Bill Medley. Her collaborations with Leonard Cohen are unlikely to be found in all but the most depressing bars on the planet. This song, guaranteed to thrill a crowd of people whose clocks stopped in the 1980s, featured prominently in the hit movie Dirty Dancing. On ‘Cheers’, Sam Malone in an attempt to bed Rebecca, has Bill Medley serenade her with ‘You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feelin’. Not coincidentally, Dirty Dancing does this to every guy from the waist down.
4. Under Pressure David Bowie and Queen. This one, a good theme song for the workaday world, is an inexplicably popular choice on karaoke night. Bowie shows more range as an actor than as a singer and even though he and Freddy Mercury are both technically baritones, this will demand consummate karaoke professionalism. Most of the time it is a karaoke disaster, as is anything by either of these performers.
3. Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart Elton John and Kiki Dee Elton John may have put Kiki Dee on the map but a GPS is required to find her now. This was back in the days when Elton John’s music was fun to listen to — before he became a Sir and before he changed a few of the lyrics to his lamentable Marilyn Munroe-inspired piano dirge “Candle in the Wind” for Princess Diana — a song that will invite violence upon you if you attempt to subject an audience of antsy drunks to it. For this one, you and your chanteuse partner will need to be quite peppy. For added effect, move around a lot and swing your arms to and fro.
2. I Got You Babe Sonny and Cher: In the 1960s Sonny and Cher were a popular act, also known as “Who’s that nebbish with that foxy chick?” Sonny, despite being one uncool looking hippy, did pen some memorable tunes — and at the very top of that list is “I Got You Babe,” which is a popular karaoke choice for couples to sing to each other right before their relationships collapse and they go to war over who gets to look after Fido every second Sunday in March. It’s always the drunkest and loudest couple in the bar who gets up to out-shout each other with this one. That they “got each other babe” is not in dispute and neither is the fact that nobody else in the bar would ever want to claim them.
1. Islands in the Stream Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton: Kenny Rogers, subject of arguably the funniest impersonation in the history of MadTV, can outcroon anyone within a 10-mile radius. While other country stars have had an artistic rebirth in their declining years — see George Jones, Loretta Lynn, Johnny Cash — Kenny has had pretty much the opposite, his most frequent gig being the late-night infomercial salesman hawking a “Best of Country” compilation that features, surprise surprise, a whole bunch of Kenny Rogers tunes. Still though, Islands in the Stream is the coup de grace of karaoke duets, a staple of veterans of the bar mic, and a sure sign that you’re in a place where you’d be hygenically better off drinking from the bottle.
!!!!!!!DISCLAIMER!!!!!!! First off, let’s be clear that the authors in no way condone drinking and driving, unless it’s done on a closed course by professionals while filming a car commercial or approaching a club house where you’re not a member and the descent isn’t too steep. Drunken go-karting is to be judged on a case-by-case basis.
The same could’ve been said about our other lists, The Top 10 Cocaine Songs of All Time or the litany of other vices we’ve chronicled here, however unlike someone who’s taken to the nose candy like an anteater grazing, who can at least be forgiven for the occasional indulgence, drinking and driving, or as it’s sometimes called, ‘how the hell else am I gonna get home, walk?’ is quite rightly considered a very serious offense (unless you’re an actor or some kind of celebrity). However, this doesn’t prevent us from hopefully one day earning a Wikipedia entry on the subject of DUI Songs and cornering our little piece of pop culture real estate by tracking down a few of these and saving you restless nights poring over Time Life hits compilations from the 1970s–or hours that could’ve been better spent finding novel ways to waste your company’s time.
In this list, we focus on songs whose origin (much like our Top 10 Bar Songs of All Time) came about when someone put pen to paper, mused ‘hmm, maybe I should write what I know’, and thought about that time they tossed a can of Schlitz out onto the interstate. We figured brunch reservations with Pol Pot or whatever else would be on the itinerary should a place be set aside for us in hell, would be our just desserts if we were to say, compile a list of songs TO LISTEN TO WHILE DRINKING AND DRIVING; but since we aren’t, it seems the road ahead is clear (unlike that same road if you’ve been pulled over and trying to explain to the arresting officer that you’re not really drunk, you’re heavily medicated and having one of your ’spells’).
Without further ado, in hopes of being handed editorial reins for Blender’s ‘Moral Decay’ issue, or at least landing a free monthly subscription here are the Top 10 Drinking and Driving Songs of All Time!
[!!!! Disclaimer!!!! Again, we advocate that NOBODY get drunk and get behind the wheel, unless you're on the set of a Michael Bay movie in which case feel free to take out the director's chair and use a fruit stand for brakes]
During the recording of their seminal Exile on Main St album, apparently so much heroin was flowing through the French mansion where recording sessions were taking place that Keith Richards had to direct his creative energies elsewhere–to songs extolling the virtues of heavy alcohol abuse. What he left us is arguably one of the finer songs on the album and a great one to kick off our list here.
“Yes I’m fumbling and I know my car won’t start.
Yes I’m stumbling and I know I play a bad guitar.
Give me a little drink, from your lovin’ cup. Just one drink and I’ll fall down drunk.”
9. Sugar Magnolia as performed by the Grateful Dead Now, with enabler lyrics like “She takes the wheel when I’m seein’ double, pays my ticket when I speed‘ Jerry might’ve well been referring to any of the whole host of chemicals he regularly ingested, as his body wasn’t exactly a temple (and if it was…he was an agnostic) but more than likely the protagonist’s diagonal driving in his hymn was influenced by the hooch. [Editor's note: any resemblance [right] to Mike Myers is coincidental]
8. Get Buck as performed by Young Buck
Mr Congeniality takes Sugar Magnolia enabling to new heights with this bangin’ track, off the album ‘Buck the World’. Buckin’ A.
“Let’s play the game I’m the quarterback, don’t stop homey
I’ll go to jail if I get sacked, so block for me…”
“Drunk drivin’ in my Cut dawg, I got my truck parked.” While this could refer to his truck being parked and being chauffeured around in a Cutlass, it’s highly doubtful as Mr Buck hardly looks like he’d employ a ‘Jeeves’.
7. Arrested for Drivin’ While Blind as performed by ZZ Top
It seems that every ZZ Top song is about cars, somewhat limiting creatively especially if you cannot garner inspiration from a bio-diesel retrofitted pick up. It was inevitable that DUIs became source material.
“Now just the other night with nothin’ to do
We broke a case of proof 102
And started itchin’ for that wonderful feel
Of rollin’ in an automobile”
6. It’s So Easy, as performed by Guns ‘N’ Roses. Back in the day, The Gunners weaved more magic into their songs than plugs into Axl’s scalp. Appetite for Destruction is aptly named if you put a ’self’ in front of ‘Destruction’ and is EASILY one of the greatest albums of all time, Never Mind the Bollocks. Or. Nevermind.
“Cars are crashing every night, I drink and drive everything’s in sight.” Their career might have skidded into the ditch and Chinese Democracy shows about as much promise as its titular reference, but nobody chronicled mindless self-indulgence and bodily self abuse better than GNR, whose line up currently comprises a beefed up Axl Rose and a bunch of other guys.
At the time this creepy gem was penned, talkies were nearly a decade old, cars were becoming an increasing presence on the roads and drivers more gassed than their mode of transportation became all too common especially soon after prohibition was lifted.
“There was whiskey and blood all together, mixed with the glass where they lay
Death played her hand in destruction, but I didn’t hear nobody pray ”
4. You Drink You Drive You Spill as performed by NOFX Drinking and Driving as performed by Black Flag. One band a walking public service announcement and another a lyrical one, punk holds down the number 4 spot. We’re nothing if not fair, including as we do here, a vehemently anti-DUI song. Regardless, as Bart Simpson noted, ‘all the best bands are affiliated with Satan’ so we’ll put the preaching aside with the rest of our list.
“I say don’t drink and drive, you might spill your drink.
Before you get behind the wheel stop and think.”
“Party down. Drink til you can’t even see. In your car with your buddies. And wrap it around a tree. Make sure to tell yourself this is cool.”
3. That Smell as performed by Lynyrd Skynyrd That Smell is unique in that it’s the only song that makes both our Top 10 Cocaine list and this one as well. As we noted there, this tune contains a portion of one of the worst phrases in the English language, ‘what’s that smell?’ Ronnie Van Zant offers a cautionary tale of the dangers of narcotics, referencing Quaaludes, heroin, booze, cocaine and weed all in one song–giving us ideas for yet another one of these lists (which will surely include ‘That Smell‘ just for the sake of consistency)
“Whiskey bottles brand new cars, oak tree you’re in my way.”
2. One for My Baby (and One More for the Road) as performed by Frank Sinatra
The catchphrase that started it all for the asphalt slalom set, as sung by the Chairman of the Board. If we’d socked a few away at a board meeting, we’d no doubt outlast Sammy, Peter Lawford and Joey Bishop. Frank and Dino would’ve been another story.
“We’re drinking my friend, to the end of a brief episode.
So make it one for my baby and one more for the road.”
1. If Drinking Don’t Kill Me Her Memory Will as performed by George Jones
This somber ode is from a man singing it like it is, if it IS really really bad. The quintessential drinking and driving song.
“I lay my head on the wheel and the horn begins honkin’
The whole neighborhood knows, that I’m home drunk again.”
It’s Thanksgiving in Canada and Columbus Day in the States and it’s fitting that Canadian markets are closed today, as due to the financial meltdown there’s been increasingly less to be thankful for anyway, unless you count your health.
Thanksgiving stateside is a big thank you to major networks for airing continuous football coverage to ease the tensions of family get togethers (Canadians enjoy the south of the border holiday in their own way by delaying their return to the office from the pub by an extra hour to make sure their team covered the spread) while Turkey Day up here isn’t nearly that big a deal but roughly coincides with the start of hockey season.
Growing up, hockey competed with WWF wrestling, sharks and dinosaurs for our attention and one of us was taught how to skate by a dad who’d grown up in Southern Italy and had never seen snow [Editor's note: to this day skating backwards remains elusive, however for a large number of skaters, it is as well and doesn't detract from one's ability to enjoy the game, just one's ability to properly play it. Editor's note, II: For those interested in dinosaurs, check out Sarah Palin's Yabba Dabba Science here]
During those formative years, a favorite of ours was Dale Hunter, who made up for various deficits in skill by being one of the dirtiest, filthiest players ever to have laced up the blades in the NHL and who delivered one of the cheapest shots the game has ever seen when he blasted a player face-first into the boards after the guy had scored a goal [To give you an idea of how dirty he was, when the Washington Capitals retired his number, Hunter was actually presented with a commemorative penalty box]. He gave hope to all of us who were untalented, under 5′10, who used their stick like a samurai sword and who took inspiration from the movie Slap Shot (R.I.P. Mr Paul Newman)
Needless to say, hockey is huge north of the border and to our US friends, The Hockey Night in Canada Theme [see below], like Takin’ Care of Business, could be considered a second national anthem. It was the tune we hummed when we headed outside to play road hockey and the tune we hummed when we headed inside after a car ran over the tennis ball.
When the national broacaster, CBC (who, like NPR, have a seemingly inexhaustible appetite for all things quirky: weather vane collectors and the guy who can burp the alphabet in Aramaic) lost the rights to the song, there was a near national uproar and a contest was held to replace it. Entries came from far and wide and the end result was fairly craptacular [see below], but not nearly as bad as Hank Williams Jr’s Monday Night Football song (you can give your thanks to us, that we don’t include that link]
The bagpipe charged tune, was written by Colin Oberst and produced by Bob Rock [left], Bon Jovi and Metallica producer, who apropos of nothing really, bears a strong resemblance to Spinal Tap guitarist, David St Hubbins (seen right) and who strangely, has a speaking voice identical to that of Tap actor Michael McKean. [Even though Rock had nothing to do with these, for the hell of it, for our list of Worst Bon Jovi Cover Songs of All Time, click here ]
We’ll see if this new ditty captures the public’s attention like its predecessor but to us, there is only ONE hockey song, and it’s the incomparable Hockey Song by Stompin’ Tom Connors. Keep yer stick on the ice…
This week, we mourn the passing of a soul legend, whose output in the early 60s alone, would’ve been enough to launch him into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame.
I’d go a step further and say “I Thank You” is enough to put him in the Hall. Hell, if Bon Jovi memorabilia is good enough to collect dust, (and with any luck get eaten by species of Tineola bisselliella), I.H. deserves his own damn wing, can you dig it?
The Hayes-penned hit, “I Thank You”, as performed by Sam & Dave and later given a Jeffrey Dahmer-like treatment by ZZ Top, starts off with a sick drum pattern, eighth notes accented on every third beat, before this pulpit requisition:
“I want everybody to get up off your seat
And get your arms together, and your hands together
And give me some of that o-o-old soul clapping,” followed by a leering octave bass run punctuated by glorious horns.
[see below]
Hold On! I’m a Comin’, rather than referring to anything sexually suggestive, was co-written by Hayes when writing partner Dave Porter was taking an inordinate length of time in the bathroom. Thankfully, for the history of soul music, Porter didn’t call out “Man, I think I ate something funny” instead. In my estimation, the opening horns in this tune are rivaled only by Knock on Wood or In the Midnight Hour, by Wilson Pickett as some of the greatest horn riffs of all time. Here they are back to back.
We’ve all heard Soul Man, so here’s another ‘Soul’ classic, Soul Sister, Brown Sugar, another S&D hit from this period, with a propulsive bass line similar to ‘I Thank You’ with start & stop horns and luscious high harmonies.
Finally, here’s the wah-guitar funk-tastic ‘Shaft’, which life (or God, take your pick) gave to Hayes, taking him from us far too young.
10. Picture by Kid Rock & Sheryl Crow. There are some people who’d say that Kid Rock is a multi-talented instrumentalist and songwriter and these people would be in attendance at his family reunion. Generally speaking, someone with migraines, their head in a vice and getting squash balls shot off their ass cheeks makes sounds more pleasant to the ear than anything Mr Rock has ever put out, but the man should be given his due as he’s sporadically capable of rendering something decent, sort of like when a con grinds out a license plate.
8. Crazy in Love, by Jay-Z and Beyonce Knowles It’s a cliche to say that people have more money than God, but in this case, the power couple can underwrite the man upstairs, bail out Lehman Brothers and still have something left over to take each other somewhere nice. [Caveat: Jay-Z's rap comes at the 2 minute mark of this 4 minute song, leaving the male half in a performance in the unenviable position of having to chose whether to either dance awkwardly on the spot or keep their hands in their pockets throughout]
7. Broken by Seether and Amy Lee ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome’, a bit of emo redundancy from Seether and Amy Lee. A ’seether’ for those who were wondering, is a cooking pot and all things considered it’s a much better band name than ‘Cutting Board’.
6. Up Where We Belong Joe Cocker Jennifer Warnes
5. I’ve Had the Time of My Life Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes: Ms. Warnes back again, this time teaming up with arguably the more righteous of the Righteous Brothers, Bill Medley. Her collaborations with Leonard Cohen are unlikely to be found in all but the most depressing bars on the planet. This song, guaranteed to thrill a crowd of people whose clocks stopped in the 1980s, featured prominently in the hit movie Dirty Dancing. On ‘Cheers’, Sam Malone in an attempt to bed Rebecca, has Bill Medley serenade her with ‘You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feelin’. Not coincidentally, Dirty Dancing does this to every guy from the waist down.
4. Under Pressure David Bowie and Queen. This one, a good theme song for the workaday world, is an inexplicably popular choice on karaoke night. Bowie shows more range as an actor than as a singer and even though he and Freddy Mercury are both technically baritones, this will demand consummate karaoke professionalism. Most of the time it is a karaoke disaster, as is anything by either of these performers.
2. I Got You Babe Sonny and Cher: In the 1960s Sonny and Cher were a popular act, also known as “Who’s that nebbish with that foxy chick?” Sonny, despite being one uncool looking hippy, did pen some memorable tunes — and at the very top of that list is “I Got You Babe,” which is a popular karaoke choice for couples to sing to each other right before their relationships collapse and they go to war over who gets to look after Fido every second Sunday in March. It’s always the drunkest and loudest couple in the bar who gets up to out-shout each other with this one. That they “got each other babe” is not in dispute and neither is the fact that nobody else in the bar would ever want to claim them.
