April 1, 2010 | Mad Science

Since neither of us drive, the only time we’d really considered car safety before this study came out was in the context of maniacal tuk-tuk drivers recreating the chase scene in Ronin or when contemplating just how many clowns could fit into a Volkswagen Beetle. (A much more intriguing version of which would require that it be moving—separating the  wheat from the chaff when it comes to these types of records as far as we’re concerned, especially on a hill).

If you’ve adjusted your front seat so that it’s become a backseat in order to get behind the wheel, here is some information that will send your premiums shooting up more than needle day at the Methadone clinic.

Researchers found that obese men, the of the jolly type whose comic hijinks are endured week after week on TV sitcoms, are more at risk when it comes to automobile accidents.

Research was conducted, not by dressing up crash test dummies in fat suits leftover from recent Eddie Murphy films, but by extracting data about injuries and Body Mass Indexes for nearly 11,000 adult men and women involved in frontal collisions between 2001 and 2005. Cheery stuff indeed.

What we learned here is, much like if you take a specimen to the taxidermist and get charged by the square foot—size matters.

However, this is deceptive. It seems that it relates to precisely where fat is stored in men versus women that is a contributing factor (another, less plausible  theory is that really obese guys have lead feet and were involved in higher speed wrecks—something we’ll be sure to test out next time we’re drag racing at Hardee’s)

As the Boston Herald so delicately put it, contradicting several centuries’ worth of Sumo wrestling strategizing, ”Extra padding… is not a good thing – not when that padding comes from fat.”

Centre of gravity also plays a key role—something to take note of if your physique is suited to stocking really low shelves.

Does this mean that airbags will be factory-installed at the manufacturing plant equivalent of the Big & Tall store? Will there be a Body Crash Index? Will this result in a switch away from more energy-efficient vehicles to ones that could withstand patrol duty in Kandahar?

We await a heaping portion of seconds in the form of further research.

March 11, 2010 | Mad Science

In the 90s, in a fad that had a shelf life of your average cheese curd, so-called ‘oxygen bars’ dotted the landscape, offering patrons a way to get light-headed that was ostenibly healthier than the usual elbow-tilting self-pitying milieu of the local tavern.

This was, of course, until killjoys pointed out that oxygen is already carried optimally through the bloodstream and that unless you’re piggybacking a Sherpa or a morbidly obese football player winded after a sprint to the Gatorade, you’re unlikely to benefit from sucking face with O2.
 
Worse, breathing oxygen through a plastic hose was found to be actually  harmful, and not just aesthetically-speaking. Of course, this didn’t stop folks like Woody Harrelson (featured in our list of 911 Nutcases) from opening such an establishment.

The fad has mostly faded along with the plaid shirts purchased for $85 dollars during that decade.
 
Now, oxygen’s effects are being revisited, although with a different conduit than something rammed up your nostrils: the drink itself. It’s possible that when 90s nostalgia invariably breaks, shuttered oxygen bars may make a triumphant return, although not with oxygen concentrators, but through the actual content of the drinks.

Scientists in Korea have developed more oxygenated alcohol and have found that the effects of a hangover—usually that one facet of drinking that prevents most people from turning into full-blown alcoholics—can be diminished. According to reports, “alcohol was processed significantly quicker with drinks that had a higher oxygen content”, and that this sobering effect was in addition to mitigating the effects of a hangover. Of course, one thing not taken into account was the Bud Lite Effect—the need to pound 12 of these impotent potables instead of 6 beers of normal strength in order to get the same buzz not to mention just how quickly brewers/distillers would adopt this into their production process.

January 18, 2010 | Mad Science

It’s a problem that has plagued many a thoughtful mind during that period when one week transitions into the next. Weekends, which often include Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday, give rise to pleasant feelings that are largely absent on days occurring toward the start or middle of the week.

The disparity is perplexing because by most external indicators each day of the week shares many similarities with every other day. The sun rises and sets on weekends just as it does on weekdays, and just because it’s Sunday doesn’t mean that it’s any less illegal to, say, sell a kidney online.

The significance of both Saturday and Sunday beginning with the letter “S” has been explored, but researchers have been unable to agree on a theory as to why this alone would send serotonin levels soaring.

Livescience.com reports on a groundbreaking study conducted by the University of Rochester and published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology that may finally have cracked the code as to why people feel better on the weekend.

The results are sure to cause your brain to blow out the back of your head in shock: the researchers claim people experience mood boosts on weekends because they are free from the strictures of the workplace.

Adults between the ages of 18 to 62 were monitored over a period of three weeks and asked to specify by pager what they were doing three times daily, and what effect the activity was having on their moods on a seven point scale.

The results were surprising.

Workers across the board felt better on weekends – regardless of income, hours, education, age, marital status, genital piercings, number of Facebook friends, number of times the person has fallen victim to a telemarketing scam, and whether or not the person is on an FBI No Fly list, or had an ancestor who died of TB.

But why?

The five days leading up to the weekend are spent dealing with infighting, one-upmanship and the oppressive pettiness of one’s fellow workers along with swallowing the dictates of a vindictive manager with an elephant’s memory for grudges. And all this as the pervasive threat of a shit-canning justified by the downturn hangs in the air.

What more do you need to enjoy life? Drugs?

Participants in the study told researchers that they felt more autonomous when they were not working, and that Saturdays and Sundays were often spent doing activities of their own choosing, rather than those chosen by some guy who makes two bucks more than you an hour but still gets to be a bastard because he has “supervisor” next to his name.

By contrast, an average weekday “is replete with activities involving external controls, time pressures, and demands on behavior related to work, child care and other constraints,” the authors wrote.

Participants also enjoyed spending time with family members and close friends rather than being forced into the company of “colleagues with whom they share limited emotional connections.”

Further research is needed to determine if workers prefer defecating at the office, or in their own homes.