August 20, 2010 | lists
We have previously written disparaging things about Facebook, as in our list of The Top 10 Facebook Bans in which we said, “Until the day that HowMyBowelsAreFunctioning.com launches, the internet doesn’t get any more solipsistic than Facebook.” However, we must admit that we are both willing dupes of whatever sort of evil corporate conspiracy Facebook is – see this list for a serious take on how our consumer profiles will remain on file longer than styrofoam at the city dump. And we also willingly put up with some of the website’s most annoying features (nailed in this list).
Of course, Facebook allows you to stay current with people you’d otherwise see coming down the street 10 years hence, slow down your walk as you think of how familiar the person seems, and then stare at the pavement and hoof it out of there as you begin to get paranoid that the person is actually a stranger who now thinks a public accosting is about to take place. It is also ready-made for procrastination. Even on the quietest days, hitting the refresh browser button will always bring up something in your news feed, even if it is just a mention of a particularly tasty breakfast waffle or how someone’s chicken coop in Farmville had to be gassed by government officials due to an outbreak of H1N1.
It takes time, and a series of angry private messages from people you’ve offended to learn the finer points of Facebook etiquette — when to send friend requests, when to block someone who sends too many app invitations your way (answer, immediately is not quick enough), etc. Here we outline 10 points of Facebook etiquette that will make you the most popular of the 274 friends on your Facebook list, including the 10 with whom you’ve actually spoken in the past 5 years.
1. Treat a person’s wall like it’s a private forum invisible to other users and let fly with inside jokes and follow-ups to private conversations. “Great talking with you the other night, Bill. Be sure to let me know how that doctor’s visit turns out. Chin up mate!”
2. When choosing a profile pic, don’t make the mistake of choosing one of yourself in front of a mountain – nobody likes that kind of grandstanding – or of you at your buddy’s wedding because it’s the only time you’ve been photographed in a suit. Opt instead for ones that show a bit of your gregarious personality – cross-eyed from drink and flashing an obscene hand gesture, perhaps.
3. It’s important to keep a copy of your friends list handy – writing out the names by hand is the most efficient method we’ve found of compiling this information – to ensure that you can seek reprisals in the event of a “defriending”.
4. Surprise your significant other by changing your relationship status to single without warning.
Facebook sounds like goat's ass in French.
5. If you’ve just met someone, it is best to send a Facebook friend request to them immediately. If you can use your mobile phone or blackberry to do this on the drive home, do so. If not, pop into a nearby internet café. It’s not creepy to show you care.
5b. Or wait about eight months after meeting someone only once and then send them a Friend request. Failure to respond here indicates that the person in question really never had much interest in knowing you from the get-go.
6. Set your privacy settings to such a high level that even your closest friends are unable to glimpse your Facebook wall (which would be empty, but they don’t know that). This will leave them questioning whether they have caused offence and will encourage them to be even better friends.
7. Never go into detail when describing your current, negative mental state in a status update. Keep it as “Chuck is plain fed up” rather than “Chuck failed to stand up for himself as a manager once again demeaned him in front of colleagues.”
8. Keep libel laws in mind when settling personal scores on Facebook, but don’t forget the retributive power of uploading an unflattering pic of someone and tagging it from your account.
9. Don’t be charitable when it comes to using the “rate my friends” app. Let ‘em have it. A person who really is your 117th best looking friend, and has the 190th best personality should really know this information and use it as a tool for self-betterment.
10. There is no statute of limitations when it comes to sending friend requests to people. This is the case even if you are in your 40s and your last exchange with the person in question occurred in high school and consisted of, “Hey, you got an extra pen?” and the retort, “Uh, yeah, here.”
August 9, 2010 | lists
In his book, “I Drink For a Reason” (Editor’s Note: We’ve never needed one), David Cross, writes, “If a cop wants, he can beat the shit out of you and can often count on the tacit silence of a thoroughly corrupt police force to get away with it.” This is worth remembering the next time you’re stopped by a cop and decide to enlighten him on what television cop shows have taught you about your rights as a citizen as they pertain to dealings with law enforcement.
Unless they have a documentary crew waiting for them in the cruiser, cops will not hesitate to counter the finer points of your impassioned plea for civil liberties with the business end of a club. If you pose more of a threat than the combined intake of pastries and all that sitting around in a patrol car, get ready for a tasering.
The Taser has become a popular tool in the police arsenal, partly because a) its efficacy in rendering individuals cataleptic is comparable to the Sex and The City film franchise, and b) its use doesn’t require all the annoying paperwork that pumping someone full of hot lead does. A two-year Canadian study, found Tasers compared favourably from a safety standpoint to a baton, which, depending on one’s fondness for classical music or parades (and comprehensiveness of dental plan), doesn’t sound like a fun option either.
Of course, while some policemen enter law enforcement to serve and protect – others are just bullies with badges in the tradition of the cops David Cross was talking about. Here are some – wait for it – shocking reminders of the dangers of Tasers and why they should perhaps be abandoned in favor of macing, or those nets from the days of gladiatorial Rome. Here are our Top 10 Absurd Taserings!
10. Tased For Taunting Tiger (The Profligate Pro Golf Player not the comparatively undersexed cat).
A few years ago, a heckler would have had a difficult time trying to come up with good material to use at a Tiger Woods game. His corporation-approved seemingly soulless personality just did not lend itself to a good heckle — a boring chant would be redundant while watching golf anyway. Fortunately, the revelations about his impressive score card off the golf course — par if you’re setting that standard on the exploits of an adult film star at his retirement shoot — made Tiger a hell of a lot more interesting, and gave the game’s hecklers some needed ammunition.
Recently, a fan at the Players Championship in Florida was tased after he allegedly refused to stop heckling Tiger Woods at the 11th hole of the game. Being that for the most part a mild electrical shock would be required to keep someone awake during a golf tournament, we can only protest this action against a man who was only trying to liven things up.
DISHONOURABLE MENTION. Teen Tased at Phillies Game
Baseball is another game in which fisticuffs in the stands are often a welcome diversion from the tedium playing out on the field. A 17-year-old ran onto the field during the eighth inning of a Phillies game. As is the case with many of the people who do this, he didn’t seem to have any clear goal in mind when he took to the field, choosing to run in circles in the outfield. A police officer, who looks like he might have previously made the acquaintance of more than one cheese steak, gave chase. The teen could not have run forever, would have found escape difficult and wasn’t posing a threat. Nonetheless, the officer, perhaps sensing that there was no quick end to this slapstick scene in sight, fired a stun gun probe at the teen.
9. Mom Tased in Front of Kiddies
There are situations in which it would seem reasonable to lay down the voltage on a generally law-abiding mother of small children — perhaps when one hogs the floor at a PTA meeting. Pulling a mother over for speeding while talking on her cellphone and then zapping her when she insists that she doesn’t own a cellphone and wasn’t speeding is probably not going to stand up in court. It didn’t in this case as all charges were dropped against the mother and the officer’s use of the Taser was under investigation.
Given that in almost all of the other cases on this list, the police departments involved issuing statements supporting their officers’ use of force, this one must have been featured on Good Morning America, and so it was:
Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
Actual taser victim did not near the mass of individual pictured.
8. Woman, Eight Months Pregnant
Tasing a woman while her kids are in the minivan — bad form. Tasing a woman while the offspring is in utero: well, it’s harder to imagine worse form. An officer stopped a woman for speeding. She reportedly accepted the ticket, but refused to sign for it, thinking that it meant she was admitting guilt. The officer then called in for backup and, when the woman still wouldn’t sign for the ticket, the decision was made to arrest her. Officers tried to haul her out of the vehicle, but this defiant bearer of human beings grasped the steering wheel and couldn’t be budged. Rather than, say, waiting for her to need to exit the vehicle to pee — which mothers that far along apparently feel the need to do quite often — they tased her.
If this were a comic book, the unborn child could have been expected to have been born with a superpower, but she wasn’t, nor was she harmed — the woman delivered a healthy baby girl a month later.
7. Elderly Woman, 87, hooked up to oxygen tank
We hereby recommend that tasers not be used in a situation where the person getting tazed could reasonably be expected to lapse off to sleep within about five or 10 minutes. Such was the case here when police were called in to tend to a troubled 87-year-old woman who needed an oxygen tank to breathe. We don’t have this at number one, because Granny did pull a kitchen knife out from under her pillow and wave it at the officer saying that she had “killed four Japs” in WWII and she wouldn’t a bit adding his name to her shit-list. But again, stepping back from the bed and counting to 100, or maybe giving a non-fatal fiddle of the controls on the oxygen tank, could have resolved this situation in a much more face-saving way for the force than zapping someone who lived long enough to be able to make age-appropriate World War II racism-laced threats.
A septuagenarian Texan was clocked going 60mph in a 45 construction zone,and instead of rewarding her for defying stereotypes, she was stopped by police. Ordered out of the vehicle, under threat of a Tasing she replied, “I dare you”, which, as we’ve seen in shows like Law & Order SVU, is license for someone flashing a badge to take you down to the dockyard and make an example of you. The Texas judicial system apparently operates like most schoolyards in that daring someone to do something completely justifies that person’s actions. The cop was cleared of wrongdoing and one commentator actually agreed with the decision: “Her age doesn’t give her a free pass on speeding.”
5. 68-year-old Half-Blind Stroke Victim
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police are mostly depicted in either positive or benign terms in popular culture — some guy and his deaf pet wolf on a second-rate TV show; the one exception being an ill-fated wrestling gimmick in the 1990s. They “always get their man”, so the saying goes (though one wonders how “their man” never sees them coming with those garish red coats they wear). But lately the Mounties have acquired a dismal reputation —accused of incompetence in the Air India Bombing and Tasering a mentally challenged Polish immigrant to death at Vancouver Airport.
They made it even more difficult to reconcile the image of Dudley Do-Right with reality when they tasered a guy who checked all the boxes of someone unlikely to pose a threat to anybody but an overworked nurse: he was blind in one eye, hard of hearing, had a neurological problem that affected his speech. Did we mention the guy was 68 and a stroke victim?
Well someone has to enforce the rules against double parking and that’s what the officer did here.
Editor’s Note: Between this and number 10, can we propose an upper age limit for Tasering? Say physically fit late 50s? Perhaps it should be a badge-stripping offense if an officer needs weaponry to get the better out of a subject carrying more prescriptions than weapons.
4. 10 Year Old Arkansas Girl
We could also use an age limit on the low side. Let’s say 13, but only if the suspect is one of those 13-yaer-olds who smokes cigarettes, gets five o’clock shadow and looks like he’s been working at an auto mechanic’s shop for the past five years.
An officer was sent to collect a 10-year-old girl upon her mother’s request. This seems an unnecessary waste of an officer’s time when psychotropic drugs dropped down the gullet of overly rambunctious youngsters seem to work for so many parents, but we’re not experts on this sort of thing. The officer showed up at the house and found the girl on the floor kicking and screaming. The mother told the officer to break out the Taser, which he did. Defending his officer’s actions, a supervisor said the Tasering was “very, very brief”, a half-Tase, perhaps? Maybe even a quarter-shocker? We don’t want to test out this theory, but we’re guessing that even the briefest Tasing is far more unpleasant than a static shock from clothing.
3. Not so Sweet Ohm Alabama for Deaf Mentally-challenged Man
Having to crap in public is never pleasant, but it’s made less so when you have to wait to do it, as you know that barely any time has elapsed between defecations. Police had received a complaint that a man was taking so long in the washroom of a Dollar Store that he should have been slipped a fibre supplement under the stall door. They were called in to haul him out, however he didn’t respond to their knocking on the door, and, calls of “Hey buddy, you stuck?”, or whatever it was they said. If he had responded, it would likely have been coincidental — request for extra bog roll perhaps — as the man was deaf. Cops nonetheless used pepper spray and Taser to haul him out.
2. Cops Taser Unarmed, legless Guy in wheelchair
Please read the description carefully, it says “unarmed, legless” guy. We were unable to find a case of a cop tasering an armless, legless guy, but our lives are too rich to fritter away by paying such slavish attention to thoroughness. Still one would think that a man being legless — in the amputee, rather than drunken sense, although maybe he was that too — would have been enough to prevent his number from coming up in the “You Just got TASED” sweepstakes, but then again, who are we to question the actions of law enforcements? Well, The Shark Guys, of course! In their report, officers wrote about a hostile crowd forming as they were trying to get the suspect into custody, presumably in an attempt to justify their actions. If a crowd witnessing a legless man getting on-the-spot electroshock therapy isn’t somewhere on the emotional spectrum between “sickened” and “enraged”, then that is not a crowd of which we would want any part.
1. Blind Woman with Cancer Tasered
We’ve brought you the elderly, children, a stroke victim, a deaf guy and a man without legs. Next on our countdown of Disabled People Dazed By The Taze, we go all the way to Dayton Ohio to bring you a woman who not only had cancer but was blind too yet still got the zap.
Officers knocked on the woman’s door, looking for her son who had an outstanding warrant. She opened the door and when they announced they were police, she freaked out, as apparently someone had tried that on her before in a robbery. In what sounds like some bad police spin, a spokesman said, “She was able to force herself down on to the floor and not be cooperative.” How do you force yourself to the floor? And is any mobile person without this ability? After that she apparently grabbed on to the leg of the officer and that’s when the tasing happened.
August 2, 2010 | lists,music
Fiction allows you to exorcise demons by writing what you know rather than say shoving someone off a cliff. The following musicians, however, have come dangerously close to self-incrimination, and many are still crooning these creepy paens to the underage long after they’ve blown out more candles than most of the girls’ grandfathers.
So, without further ado, we’re going to raise Catholic school girl kilts on the phenomenon of jailbait minstrelsy with this our Top 17 Jailbait Songs of all Time.
Choice Lyrics: I’ll show you love like you’ve never seen. She’s only seventeen (seventeen). Daddy says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for me.”
Moral relativism in verse. While it’s fashionable to dump on rap for sexism and pairing of gaudy jewellery with athletic-attire (ok, that’s more us), people forget that in the late 80s, people punched air to leering hair metal, which often expressed sentiments not unlike those said to an officer of the court by a registered sex offender.
Choice Lyrics: “I don’t usually say things like this to girls your age, but when I saw you coming out of the school that day, that day I knew, I knew, I’ve got to have you, I’ve got to have you”
Again, lyrical sentiments that sound like something jotted down in a police report.
From the “slowly circling the elementary school parking lot in a tinted van” school of songwriting.
15. All in the Name Of…by Motley Crue
Choice Lyrics: “She’s only fifteen, she’s the reason, the reason that I can’t sleep. You say illegal, I say legal’s never been my scene.
Not exactly a GPS when it comes to moral compasses, Motley Crue weigh in. If you’re female, came of age in the late 80s, and procured a fake driver’s license for a state a few time zones away from wherever the bouncer grew up, you might’ve crossed paths with and (hopefully) given a fake phone number to, these metal reprobates.
14. Dead Wrong by Biggie Smalls
Choice Lyrics: “I like ‘em young, fresh and green with no hair in between, know what I mean?”
Arguably one of the most offensive songs in the entire hip hop canon (and that’s saying something). We’d reproduce the rest here, but this snippet is the most uplifting verse.
Dishonorable Mention: “Catholic Girls” by Frank Zappa
Choice lyrics: In a little white dress/Catholic girls/They never confess/Catholic girls/I got one for a cousin/I love how they go/So send me a dozen
Zappa riffs on the wellspring of many a an underage-baiting rock tune with this one which also includes lyrics about a priest using the confessional to hand out more than Hail Marys.
13. 13 and Good by Boogie Down Productions
Choice Lyrics: “I’m twenty five. She shucked and kinda (indecipherable)
And said, “hee, hee, hee I’m only 13. 13!! I need a quick escape. That’s statutory rape”.
KRS-One, as evidenced by the last line—perhaps the only member of this list fit to offer legal counsel—that is, unless the judge instructed the jury to disregard his “Knowledge Reigns Supreme Over Nearly Everyone” acronym.
12. Hey Nineteen by Steely Dan
Choice Lyrics: “No we got nothing in common, no we can’t talk at all, please take me along/When you slide on down”.
The title: wishful thinking?
Honorable Mention: What’s your Name? by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Choice Lyrics: “The police said we can’t drink in the bar, what a shame.”
11. You’ve Never Been This Far Before by Conway Twitty
Choice Lyrics: “I can feel your body tremble as you wonder what this moment holds in store”.
These days, if you lose your virginity past 21 it’s probably a result of overactive sweat glands or the mental chains of religion. While this song is not explicitly about an underage girl, it could very well be and besides, its overall creepiness, possibly the worst romance song you could ever play in the boudoir, lands it a slot in our, fittingly, 17-and-under list.
10. Jailbait by Motorhead
Choice Lyrics: “Hey baby you’re a sweet young thing, still tied to mommy’s apron strings, I don’t even dare to ask your age, it’s enough to know you’re here backstage.”
“A lady never tells her age.”
Tell that to the gavel-banger. If there are people who know a thing or two about sneaking into clubs underage—it’s musicians—who, at a young age, often snuck in to see favorite performers so they could emulate the carefree/occasionally illegal sex/copious amounts of cocaine lifestyle they would be rewarded with if they ever got famous themselves.
9. Francine by ZZ Top.
Choice Lyrics: “My Francine just turned thirteen, she’s my angelic teenage queen.”
A fitting entry in the BP gulf containment cap standards set by the rest of the songs on this list. Another interesting line: “If I caught her with my mother’s son, I’ll call her daddy and get my gun”.
8. Stray Cat Blues by the Rolling Stones
Choice Lyrics: “I can see that you’re fifteen years old, no I don’t want your I.D.”
The fake I.D. opened lots of legs and doors and was a little bit of plastic and ingenuity that turned seedy bars into multi-generational social mixers. As far as the Stones in their heyday, it seems I.D.s, fake or otherwise, weren’t required. Back when Jagger wasn’t leather and newt, you could imagine Stones security/T-shirt vendors/sound-check guys ushering girls of indeterminate age backstage.
7. The New Style by the Beastie Boys
Choice Lyrics: “If I played guitar I’d be Jimmy Page, the girlies I like are underage.”
A more tongue-in-cheek song than the prededing one, where Jagger put the “ick” in “Mick” (unless of course, you are Jimmy Page).
Dishonorable Mention: Brown Shoes Don’t Make It by Zappa
Choice Lyrics: “Only thirteen, and she knows how to NASTY. She’s a dirty young mind, corrupted, corroded…Well she’s thirteen today, and I hear she gets loaded.”
6. She Got To Move Me by Grand Funk Railroad
Choice Lyrics: “Never should have told me she was only fourteen years old. How was I to know?”
Grand Funk, as a point of interest, one of Homer J. Simpson’s favorite bands: ”The wild, shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner; the bone-crushing bass of Mel Schacher; the competent drum work of Don Brewer?!” There is not a station marked “personal responsibility” on this railroad.
Honorable Mention: Tonight I’m Gonna Rock you Tonight by Spinal Tap
Choice Lyrics: “You’re sweet but you’re just four feet, and you still got your baby teeth, you’re too young and I’m too well hung”
5. 13 by Brian Jonestown Massacre
Choice Lyrics: “Well I know you’re only thirteen honey, but I hoped you’d understand.”
Reach out and touch someone to foster understanding.
Choice Lyrics: “She’s seventeen, barely old enough to cry. A child in her father’s eyes. A woman every night.”
Styx, who earned an honorary place in our list of Awful Bands Named after Geographical Locales (honorary only on a technicality because Styx is a mythical place) certainly cement their status as terrible with this icky bit of verse to which we’re quite averse.
3. Jailbait by Ted Nugent
Choice Lyrics: “Well I don’t care if you’re just thirteen, you look too good to be true. I just know that you’re probably clean, there’s one lil’ thing I got do to you.”
We’re guessing the Motor City Madman is not substitute teaching sex-ed class while the school nurse is away.
2. Alabama Song by The Doors/Kurt Weill/Brecht
Choice Lyrics: “Show me the way to the next little girl/Show me the way to the next pretty boy”
Jim Morrison could’ve altered the “pretty boy” 1927 original with “show me the way to the next Rotary Club so we could raise funds for the new nursing home”, but elected instead to go with “show me the way to the next little girl”. Incidentally, this is probably what Polanski said at Jack Nicholson’s mansion.
Dishonorable Mention: Jailbait by Aerosmith/Jailbait by Wishbone Ash
Choice Lyrics: “Whatchya see in daddy’s eyes, check the voice, ain’t no surprise / “I’m wondering why your face no longer shines, I’m wondering why your face no longer shines”. For the latter, we”ll give you three guesses. A list could’ve been comprised solely of songs called “Jailbait”.
1. Jailbait by Andre Williams
Choice Lyrics: “Trying to get away, from that jail bait…It’s a rough temptation, but a common invitation.”
RSVP a “thanks, but no thanks.”
