I don't want the bad Mojo from 'The Village' rubbing off on me

Many professional associations hold ceremonies recognizing outstanding achievement in a given field. Give a guy a personalized plaque and it’ll be at least a week before he places a silent call to his boss followed by an email saying he can’t make it to work that day due to a case of acute laryngitis, and sending out resumes like distress signals.

The awards show that trumps them all when it comes to stroking more egos than a brothel on Small Penis Island is the Oscars. Watching them, you have to pinch yourself to remember that Ben Kingsley only played Gandhi, and had no part in actually helping India break from colonial rule. The approbation doled out will have you believe that the recipients spent their lives massaging lepers and filling holes in the ozone layer by hand rather than lolling about in a Malibu pool while a personal assistant organizes a timed sprinkler light display in front of their on-set trailer.

This pomposity reached its pinnacle in 2009, when nominees for the acting categories had a past winner read their IMDB highlights and explain why they were the best thing since the flush toilet. Even those who don’t have a hope in hell of winning can go home basking in the knowledge that Jack Nicholson reenacts scenes from their movies in his backyard gazebo.

The hauteur, the lack of perspective and the threat of being exposed to the comedy of Billy Crystal are reasons enough to get caught up on your Home Shopping Channel viewing come Oscar night. But there have been some moments in the history of the Academy Awards that are obnoxious even by the sky high bar set by Hollywood:

Clooney cracks himself up. However the real joke was that his movie won out over A History of Violence

10) George Clooney, Best Supporting Actor for Syriana, 2005:

In 2005, George Clooney’s affected Oscar speech for the baffling Syriana summed up just how deeply Hollywood’s head is implanted up its ass. Responding to host Jon Stewart’s earlier dig that Hollywood was out of touch with America, Clooney said: “I would say that we are a little bit out of touch in Hollywood… It’s probably a good thing. We were the ones talking about AIDS when it was just being whispered, and we talked about civil rights when it wasn’t popular and this group of people gave Hattie McDaniel an Oscar in 1939 when blacks were sitting in the backs of theaters.” Clooney failed to mention how this same group shoved more ethnic stereotypes down people’s throats than racist Uncle Lou the master impressionist at a family barbecue.

9) Bob Hope and Frank Sinatra as hosts, 1975:

The film chosen as the best documentary for 1974 was “Hearts and Minds” a hard-hitting documentary on the Vietnam War by Burt Schneider. Bob Hope, one of the hosts that night was featured in the documentary in a less than flattering light: as a hack comedian and cheerleader for an unjust war (in other words, accurately). He was no doubt refraining from doing knuckle bumps with anyone when Schneider was announced as the winner, but was peeved into action when the documentarian took the opportunity to read a message from the North Vietnamese after the recently signed Paris Peace Accords: “Please transmit to all our friends in America our recognition of all they have done on behalf of peace.” Jane Fonda obnoxious? Sure, but the guy had just won an Academy Award for a film condemning the Vietnam War, so fair pool. A furious Hope scribbled down a message and cajoled fellow presenter, Frank Sinatra, into reading it, purportedly “on behalf of the Academy”. “We are not responsible for any political references made on the program, and we are sorry they had to take place this evening.” Hope became persona non grata at the Oscars following this for invoking the name of the academy because of his bruised ego.

8) Debby Boone (Award for Songwriter Joseph Brooks):

In 1977, singer Debby Boone performed “You Light up My Life” at the ceremony. The ditty would later go on to win an Oscar for songwriter Joseph Thompson, who would go another few decades without accomplishing much before returning to the limelight as a defendant in a slew of rape cases. Boone thought it wasn’t fair that deaf people should be kept from enjoying this terrible song, so she brought a group of 11 kids on stage to sign the song for the hearing impaired watching the broadcast. As it turned out, the 11 kids were not deaf, as everybody had assumed they were, and had no clue how to sign. Deaf people called the performance “mumbo jumbo” and likely offered up a single digit you don’t need conversational ASL to comprehend.

7) Greer Garson, Best Actress, Mrs. Miniver, 1942:

Greer Garson won the Academy Award for her role as a strong wife and mother in World War II England and to support the war effort, the Oscars that year were made of plaster (producers of the Adult Video Awards take note)—a fact you can pull out of your hat if charades fails to enliven the dullest party imaginable. Garson rambled on for what the Guinness Book marks as the longest Oscar acceptance speech in history, one that made the Gettysburg address seem like a knock-knock joke. The presenter sat down and in an eerily prescient moment being that Cuba Gooding hadn’t even been born yet, Garson touched on the arbitrary nature of the awards. Wags dubbed it longer than her performance in the film and due to her long-windedness, speeches were capped.

"listen to the beating of your heart!"

6) James Cameron, Best director for Titanic, 1998:

Fittingly, as he also directed the Abyss, just when you thought things couldn’t sink any lower, Cameron proved the sea bottom could still be trawled. After thanking the cast earlier for giving him “pure gold every day” (since this is one of the worst films ever to win an Oscar, we’d hate to see how things would’ve turned out if they’d given him the stuff that rusts), Cameron noted “this is for a real event that happened when real people died and shocked the world in 1912 and I’d like…to do a few seconds of silence in remembrance of 1500 men, women and children who died.” Don’t’ forget, earlier he’d completely shattered whatever sense of solemnity he’d manage to craft among the drunken Hollywood assembled, by pumping his fist in the air and shouting: “I’m the king of the world!” not to mention following up that moment of silence with “now let’s party ’til dawn!”

5) Laurence Olivier, accepting the Irving Thalberg Award, 1979:

Olivier is often considered the greatest Shakespearean actor ever to fill out a codpiece while many of his acting rivals only graced a stage when it came time to bask in the glow of their charitable foundations. Olivier has consistently avoided the type of movie that topped box offices that year, such as Meatballs and The Muppet Movie and could’ve elevated the tone of the proceedings by dropping a bit of the ol’ Bard rather than copy that would’ve been edited out of the shittiest ‘thank you’ card, with this: “The prodigal, pure, human kindness of it [the Academy giving Olivier the award]—must be seen as a beautiful star in that firmament which shines upon me at this moment, dazzling me a little, but filling me with warmth and the extraordinary elation, the euphoria that happens to so many of us at the first breath of the majestic glow of a new tomorrow.”

4) Adrien Brody, Best Actor, The Pianist, 2002:

Brody won the Oscar for the Pianist and must have made the director of that film, Roman Polanski proud when he grabbed presenter Halle Berry and dipped the actress for an ill at ease lip-lock. He then cemented himself as a likely pincher of flight attendant bottoms with the lecherous quip: “I bet they didn’t tell you that was in the gift basket.” A follow-up was a meandering spiel mercifully interrupted by the band– a full minute after the usual cut-off time – but not soon enough to prevent Brody from sharing his revelation that war is indeed an ugly thing.

3) Julia Roberts, “Best” Actress, Erin Brockovich, 2001:

In 2001, Roberts, previously known for being out-acted by her body double in Pretty Woman, beat out Joan Allen, Ellen Burstyn, Juliette Binoche and Laura Linney – all far superior actresses. Roberts neglected any pretense of trying to keep things moving along with an under-two-minute speech, by going over six. Given lightning is unlikely to strike twice and she’ll never be granted hardware again, we can cut her some slack, but what made her speech particularly intolerable was her haughty bossing of the orchestra conductor. “You’re so quick with that stick, mister man, so why don’t you just sit down.”  Why the poor slob didn’t strike up the band with an up tempo “Roll out the Barrel”, we’ll never know.

2) Vanessa Redgrave, best actress for Julia (1978):

When Michael Moore won his Oscar for Bowling for Columbine, he proved himself one of the more disliked people in Hollywood by actually being booed by a room full of liberals when he called Bush 43 a “fictitious president” leading the country into a “fictitious war” (the latter sentiment likely not sitting well with the families of soldiers having their “fictitious asses” shot off overseas). But he at least won the award for what could loosely be deemed ‘a political documentary’. Vanessa Redgrave’s Oscar came for her role in Julia in which she played a woman struggling against tyranny in Nazi Germany, so it seemed incongruous to say the least, to single out “Zionist hoodlums” during her speech. That anger stemmed from a sympathetic documentary Redgrave made that same year about the PLO. While “hoodlums” were burning her in effigy in the stadium car park Redgrave said: “I think you should be very proud that in the last few weeks you’ve stood firm and you have refused to be intimidated by the threats of a small bunch of Zionist hoodlums, whose behavior is an insult to the stature of Jews all over the world.”

FACTOID: Redgrave’s middle finger was compounded by further obnoxious behavior later on in the night when screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky, there to present the award for best screenwriter, decided to upbraid Redgrave for her speech earlier in the evening: “I would like to suggest to Miss Redgrave that her winning an Academy Award is not a pivotal moment in history, does not require a proclamation and a simple ‘Thank you’ would have sufficed.” It would have sufficed for Chayefsky to announce the names of the nominees rather than just blurting out the name of the winner following his rant.

1) Marlon Brando, best actor for The Godfather, 1973:

Winning his first Oscar in 1959 for On the Waterfront, Marlon Brando accepted the award with humility, grace, and brevity worthy of rousing applause.  “It’s a wonderful moment and a rare one,” he said, “and I’m certainly indebted. Thank you.” Fast forward to 1973 when it was pretty much assured that Brando would win the Oscar for the Godfather, and he pulled off the most obnoxious stunt in the history of the Academy Awards. Instead of attending the ceremony, Brando sent Sacheen Littlefeather, supposedly as a representative of the Apache tribe, to read a prepared statement about Hollywood’s negative treatment of Native Americans. There were probably a few Italians in the house who found this ironic. Littlefeather, whose Apache credentials later came into doubt as she was reported to be a Mexican actress, had been given a 15-page statement by Brando to read, though the booing and catcalling that greeted her speech cut that short.

Pliny the Elder, likely embittered by everybody referring so bluntly to his advanced years, summoned the descriptive powers of a man with freshly poked out eyes when he wrote: “A killer whale cannot be properly depicted or described except as an enormous mass of flesh armed with savage teeth.” Apparently, specifics such as “black and white in color”, “big as a motherf’ing really big boat”, were beyond Pliny.

The view of orcas as predatory threats to mankind remained until the creatures were studied and it was found that they were not motivated primarily by a desire to chomp on human extremities. That understanding came partly as a result of research undertaken on orcas after they were captured and put on display in the 1960s. When it was observed that Moby Doll, the first orca to be captured and displayed, didn’t pop off the heads of every second marine biologist it met, researchers concluded that killer whales weren’t the menacing predators that Pliny and his lot made them out to be. In other words, they were the ideal candidates to perform circus-like stunts that may be aberrations of nature, but for which SeaWorld and the like can charge a hefty per-head fee.

Marine parks operate on the Victorian notion that we can better understand nature’s majesty by removing animals from their native habitat, locking them up somewhere the public can gawk at them without being mauled and, where possible, by teaching them skills so they can earn their keep, like riding unicycles or reading sheet music. These parks are skilled at maintaining the pretense that the creatures on show are enjoying themselves and not merely anticipating a fish-guts-based reward.

There are times, however, when the primal nature of creatures not intended by evolutionary processes to play beach volleyball and splash package tourists surfaces, as it did at a Florida SeaWorld recently (See Entry No. 1) when a trainer was drowned by an orca. It wasn’t the first time – even for that particular whale – and isn’t likely to be the last until we realize that nature should be left alone or at least kept at a respectful distance – 32 feet, the spray distance of bear repellent, is about right.

Here are The Top 7 Captive Killer Whale Attacks of All Time!

7. The Fins of the Father

Tillikum is the orca responsible for last week’s death of a trainer at Orlando SeaWorld and indeed, all of the top three killer whale attacks on this list (wags have dubbed him a “serial killer whale”). He is also the father of Ky, a whale that in 2004 at a SeaWorld show in San Antonio displayed the old man’s penchant for taking marine park trainers on unscheduled jaunts around the tank.

In a stunning blow for nature in its battle against nurture, Ky stopped listening to his trainer’s commands and began ramming him and knocking him under water each time he came up for air. The trainer waited it out and eventually emerged unharmed from the incident; though one reckons the bottom half of the wetsuit would have had to go to the cleaners. Afterward, the trainer was remarkably calm for a man who had been nearly drowned by a six-tonne marine mammal, saying, “It looked like Ky lost a little bit of focus.”

6. Shame on Shamu

Often imitated: The original Shamu in less violent times.

Shamu, Namu and Ramu are the brand names given to SeaWorld orcas while they’re performing. In 1971, a 22-year-old secretary rode the first Shamu, a legend in orca circles, as part of a publicity stunt. Perhaps unaccustomed to the snapping cameras and harsh glare of the media spotlight, the whale threw Eckis off, kept divers from entering the pool to rescue her, and bit her on the leg as she was finally able to make her exit.

The secretary was left with several lacerations and puncture wounds from the attack. For stunned fans of the Shamu show, the incident was the marine park equivalent of Elvis putting the boots to a puppy at a live concert.

5. Whales Play Trainer Ping Pong

When grisly incidents happen involving wild animals in captivity behaving, well, like wild animals in captivity, attempts are made to rationalize the actions of the animals in terms humans can understand and appreciate. One of the most common is the suggestion that when the killer whale is engaged in the kind of behavior it would use in the wild to, say, drown and eat a sea lion that it is in fact “playing”.

In March, 1987, SeaWorld San Diego trainer Jonathan Smith, then 20, found that playtime is no fun when the other kids in the pool are the size of buses and homicidal. Smith was in the water performing with two whales, when one of them seized him in its teeth and shot to the bottom of the pool before resurfacing with Smith bleeding and spitting him out. Rather than scrambling for the exit or signaling the harpooners, Smith waved to the crowd, who after all had paid damn good money to see a performance. Then the second whale picked up where the other had left off and slammed him into him. Playtime continued as the whales repeatedly dragged him to the bottom of the pool. He managed to escape, but emerged with cuts around his torso, a ruptured kidney and lacerations on his liver.

Not such a pretty sight for anyone at the landing spot.

4. Splash Landing

Divers who don’t properly survey their landing points are a menace in public pools, and, of course, the larger the diver, the greater the peril. But imagine lolling about in a pool, mid-Sunday afternoon swim, only to look up and have the light in your world eclipsed by the descending specter of a diver 60 times the size of Oprah Winfrey.

In 1987, John Sillick, then a 26-year-old trainer for SeaWorld San Diego, was performing a routine with two orcas. He was riding on the back of a female orca, when a fully mature male, Orky, perhaps incensed by the minimal effort that went into naming him, jumped and came crashing down on Sillick. This is enough to warrant an asterisk in any published sentence in which a marine park official stresses the low number of captive killer-whale related fatalities over the years. Survival in this case, like all others on this list, cannot be considered much more than a fluke. Sillick nearly did die, sustaining fractures throughout his body and requiring six operations in 14 months so that he could be “reconstructed”.

Special Mention: In 1987, Joanne Webber, a trainer at SeaWorld California, broke her neck when an orca landed on her during rehearsal as a result of a miscue.

Not the drifter mentioned.

3. Tillikum and the Drifter

Top of the list of awkward points for SeaWorld PR flacks trying to put a positive spin on last week’s trainer killing: the fact that the orca involved, Tillikum, appears to be an incorrigible recidivist – he’s tied to two deaths prior to the most recent one. The second death with Tillikum’s fin-prints all over it involved a 27-year-old man who gained access to Orlando SeaWorld afterhours and found his way into Tillikum’s tank. (Yes, the Darwin Awards people have recognized this man’s contribution to the gene pool). Park staff found the man’s body draped over the whale’s back behind the dorsal fin the following morning. He died apparently of hypothermia, though scrapes on the body suggested he might have been dragged along the bottom of the tank, which falls in line with the MO the orca established in the other two deaths.

After Tillikum was found with a corpse in his tank, SeaWorld’s then executive vice-president Victor Abbey made one wonder whether he is able to differentiate wild animals from their animated counterparts when he said: “This isn’t a bad animal. He’s a good animal.”

In his film, Grizzly Man, Werner Herzog said in reference to the bears Timothy Treadwell “befriended” before they ate him, “I discover no kinship, no understanding, no mercy. I see only the overwhelming indifference of nature.” Extrapolate that to all wild animals and we tend to agree.

2. Tillikum’s first strike

If we were to take a leap and think of killer whales along the simplistic lines suggested by Victor Abbey, then surely an incident involving Tillikum that occurred eight years and involved him drowning a 20-year-old biology student would put him in the “bad egg” camp. On February 20, 1991, Keltie Byrne slipped and fell into the orca pool at Sealand of the Pacific a now defunct marine park in British Columbia. Tillikum was in there with three orcas and Byrne had just finished a show with them. One of the whales grabbed her in its teeth and began dragging her around the pool. When she tried to scramble out of the pool, the whales pulled her back in, screaming, and she drowned. Several hours elapsed before park officials were able to extricate her body from the tank.

An inquest was held and, surprise, it was determined that the trainer’s death was the result of the whales playing a game that got a bit out of hand.

1. Tillikum and the Florida trainer

Tillikum’s killing of a trainer at SeaWorld Florida prompted this blog. Late last month, Tillikum grabbed 40-year-old trainer Dawn Brancheau by her ponytail and drowned her in front of horrified spectators, including screaming children, who will likely be reliving that day in their nightmares for some time to come. Park officials and rescue workers tried to rescue Brancheau, but, minus the crucial weaponry that would have been their only hope in this situation, they couldn’t extricate her from the creature’s teeth until 30 minutes after it had snatched her from the side of the tank and by then it was too late.

Not good, not bad -- indifferent.

The trainer’s death reignited the debate about killer whales being used in marine parks and also a bizarre take on the situation from the American Museum of Natural History’s Richard Ellis. “The fact that they’ve been in captivity for 60, 70 years and not attacked anybody makes this a very surprising event,” he said. He followed up this erroneous statement with his attempt to make like Jonah and get inside the beast and try to guess at its motivations for the attack. “This was premeditated, and for whatever whale reasons, the whale did this intentionally.” More helpful analysis followed: “Whatever prompted the whale to do this, it behaved in killer whale fashion. That’s what it uses to attack with. It doesn’t have hands, so it uses its teeth – it has a lot of them.”

The most worrying quote came from another AP story. Larry L. Smith, president of the Institute for Crisis Management, in Louisville, Kentucky, said the attack could drive up attendance at marine parks among teens and young adults.”It’s not going to draw families necessarily or older people who would typically visit there, but there is an age group that gets excited about the risks and the potential for drama and it may attract some of those folks,” he said.

Killer whale shows would go from being an obscenity in the face of nature to an exhibition made more exciting by the prospect of someone’s ghastly death.  These Sharks will stay out of the no-splash zone.

The Chinese zodiac begins with the year of the rat, which, if one were seen in a Chinese restaurant would not be construed as a sign of good luck under any circumstance.

This year is, of course, the Year of the Tiger (if you see a tiger in a Chinese restaurant, be sure it’s chained up or failing that, that you can beat a hasty retreat to the front door if required).

Notable Tigers include Jay Leno, Tommy Lee, Tom Cruise and Paula Abdul, all of whom, if you were to ask them—share identical personality traits. Tiger people are sensitive and as the list above clearly shows,  given to deep thinking. They are also short-tempered, yet capable of great sympathy.

For a look at what’s in store for 2010, turn your eyes mercifully away from the upper left corner of this page as we look at Year of the Tiger Predictions in closer detail.

1. You will be an endangered apex predator feline that grows to a length of 3.3 meters.

2. Your insatiable sexual appetite will continue to eat into your endorsement deals.

3. You will continue your campaign for an independent Tamil state.

4. Your anthropomorphic self will continue to sell high fructose corn syrup cereal.

5. Your eponymous baseball franchise will continue to lose.

6. You will show stripes in cliches.

7. You will be esteemed for your sexual potency, but the downside is people will want to make your penis the main ingredient in soups (good thing there is no Year of the Shark).

8. You will maul the occasional carnie.

9. Economies on the rise will be named after you prior to being sunk by endemic corruption.

10. You will be named Hobbes and your exploits alongside a mentally ill child named Calvin will be continue to be captured in comic strip form.

11. Your Cincinnati Bengals will amass more felonies and indictable offenses, deepening the talent pool for a Longest Yard sequel.

12. Be wary of effeminate Teutonic magicians

13. Your style of Kung Fu will prove ineffective against a cheap shot to the mush.

14. You will be an off-key falsetto staple of Rocky-themed karaoke nights.

15. Due to increasing human encroachments on your habitat, you might make a quick meal out of Christopher Robin.

Below are the dates corresponding to the sign of the Tiger…if the first line applies to you, congratulations for making it this far and for still being able to read this font.

26 January 1914 – 13 February 1915: Wood Tiger
13 February 1926 – 1 February 1927: Fire Tiger
31 January 1938 – 18 February 1939: Earth Tiger
17 February 1950 – 5 February 1951: Metal Tiger
5 February 1962 – 24 January 1963: Water Tiger
23 January 1974 – 10 February 1975: Wood Tiger
9 February 1986 – 28 January 1987: Fire Tiger
28 January 1998 – 15 February 1999: Earth Tiger
15 February 2010 – 2 February 2011: Metal Tiger

These tips are for those alone this Valentine’s Day who would like to have someone with whom they can share their views that the day is utter bosh next year, as well as those who already have somebody and are convinced they can do better.

Here then are The Shark Guys’ First Date Tips!

Before the date:

1. For your online dating profile, use a self-portrait taken with a camera phone, which demonstrates that you dance nimbly on the cutting edge of technology and confers self-confidence that others can only achieve surrounded by friends with digital cameras in a social setting. Make sure the setting is dark — any physical imperfections should be kept hidden until you meet because by then running away would be awkward for your date.

2. Select a venue that does not have a listed telephone number and a place that could not possibly be found without being deeply familiar with the area. Should your date actually find the place, this demonstrates both how in-the-know you are socially, as well as his/her level of resourcefulness and how committed the person is to making things work.

3. Alternatively, when choosing a place to meet, say you know this great place with healthy food and a clean bathroom and will email the details. Google the nearest interstate truck stop diner and forward the information.

4. Arrange to meet at a coffee shop, drink 11 cups of the strongest coffee you can before the date, and once there, order water, say you never drink coffee, and deny that you are in any way more animated or energetic than normal.

5. Suggest something competitive like bowling or a tennis match. This not only gets the circulation going and fires up all the right hormones, but it gives you the opportunity to show your incredibly competitive nature and instill respect in your date via a humiliating defeat.

6. Prepare a list of topics of conversation. Avoid banal topics such as hobbies, pets, and favorite movies and instead go for the stuff that can really spice up a conversation like your views on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

During the date:

1. Rave about how Maury Povich and the science of DNA testing are not to be trusted.

2. Excuse yourself from the table, go to the bathroom, climb out a window and re-enter through the front door, introducing yourself again as if meeting your date for the first time. (Must find rare restaurant that offers escape via bathroom window beforehand.)

3. Ask your date to pull your finger and when he/she does, tell them you are incapable of forging an emotional bond with another human being.

4. A confident man will order for his date. This gives the woman an instant, post-date talking point with her friends.

5. Women enjoy being asked lots of questions. Some possibilities include:  “Are you bondable?”, “Have you kept your hepatitis vaccines up to date?” and “Do you support or reject Roe V Wade?”

6. Arrange for the waiter to continually refresh your water. This will ensure numerous trips to the bathroom and surreptitious updates to your friends via text.

7. Put your cellphone on the table. This acknowledges how much you value human social interaction. Answer it every time it rings, but never in the presence of your date, which would be rude. Excuse yourself from the table and talk for as long as you like.

8. Ask if she has any cute friends as this is good to know if things go sour. If she objects, backtrack and say that you’re asking on behalf of your cousin, who coincidentally has the same mobile phone number as you.

9. Complain about everything. Having a critical eye and pointing out slow service or how this particular dish of chicken tikka masala is worse than all that have come before it in your life shows that you are a discerning person who refuses to settle for second best.

10. If dining, time a long bathroom break for around the time you expect the bill to arrive. (One way to help this along is to get the attention of a waiter, make the international hand signal for wanting the bill, and point a thumb in the direction of your table). If  the bill is not paid by the time you return, look disgusted as you pull bills out of your wallet and throw them on the table.

After the date:

1. Send a text within the half-hour, unambiguously asking how things went, ideally using a 1-10 scalar model. This makes a response straightforward.

2. Post a Facebook status update (provided you’re already Facebook friends) announcing the date’s incogitable success and how you’re mulling over a second meet-up.

3. Ignore people who say you have to wait a reasonable amount of time before contacting someone after a first date, lest you set off down the road to a restraining order. Email the next day and let your date know that you had a pleasant time, and that this relationship feels like it has much more potential than your previous two marriages and countless casual flings.

4. Sending flowers after a first date is cliched. Send lottery tickets instead.

One of the main reasons sports exist, besides giving gamblers something to bet on other than whom among them will die of coronary disease first, is to please people who have a thirst for a never-ending source of statistics and trivia that will probably never be useful even on Celebrity Jeopardy: High School Dropout Edition.

Did you know that more toilets are flushed during the Super Bowl’s half-time show than at any other time of year? And in a related “fact”, that the phrase, “Holy Christ Bob, what have you been eating? Light a candle next time for chrissake!” is said more on Super Sunday than at any other time of year? (Editor’s Note: Snopes says despite popular belief, people do not sit in agony with bodily functions threatening to rupture something internally during Super Bowl games, and there is no truth to the rumor that city sewage systems have been crippled by half-time loaf-pinching.)

We can’t fault broadcasters with more airtime to fill than a direct flight to Singapore for regaling us with facts such as how teams playing in domed stadiums and those going by the name “Buffalo Bills” have never won a Super Bowl. We wish though that broadcasters would spice up Super Bowl coverage by focusing on the game’s darker side, the seamy past of a game as rich in its vices as the meals of its offensive linemen (an accurate term) are in calories.

Here we attempt to redress this disparity with our Top 10 Super Bowl Disgraces,  and no, Bills fans, we’re not going after you again – these do not involve on-field play.

10. A Not-So-Winning Streak

It was 2004 and an embattled American football-watching public was on the line to the guardians of public decency after being forced to gaze at the unholy specter of Janet Jackson’s nipple. Just before the second half began, Briton Mark Roberts, the World’s Most Prolific Streaker (he has a broad range and is considered the Meryl Streep of nudity in front of sprinting naked at public sporting events), ran onto the field dressed in a referee’s outfit, took that off and did a dance. Yes, the unsightly photo to the right is a still from this performance. But, like a three-game winning streak for the Toronto Raptors, this streak had to come to an end sooner than later — members of the New England Patriots and Carolina Panthers as well as police and security tackled him and he was taken into custody. And if there was ever any question as to how seriously Americans take their football, the incident resulted in the Brit being banned from the US.

9. Enough to drive a man to drink and drive

Drinking and driving is of course disgraceful, but it’s easier to get laughs from looking at attempts to curb the activity during Super Bowl weekend.

This creative effort from the Roseville, California police department is typical of efforts to speak in the language of the drunken Ripped and Ready to Ride football fan. Presumably the prospect of losing one’s license or ending up a vegetable after a wreck does not penetrate to the heart of the football, but ones things are laid out in game terms the message comes across:

* HUDDLE with your teammates before the game and designate a sober driver.

* RUN to the phone and call a taxi cab or a sober friend for a ride home, or

* PASS on going out, and enjoy the game at home.

A more accurate rundown of Super Sunday:

*HUDDLE outside as you smoke weed.

*RUN to the bathroom to throw up

*PASS out.

8. A Super Bowl Ring of A Different Sort

Trivia time: The NFL pays $5,000 for each of up to 150 Super Bowl rings, which then go on to become the most oft-cited pieces of jewelery in sports-related crime reports.

Here we are talking about a Super Bowl ring that involved thieves, not the guys at the ticket or beer stands, but a consortium of pickpockets and other scoundrels who formed a Super Bowl crime ring for the big game in northern California in 1985. About 20 to 30 pickpockets plied their trade at the San Francisco airport, and three were arrested for stealing luggage. Police later found $800,000 in property at their hotel, as well as weapons and jewelry. It would be one of the few times in history when a big news story would link crime and the Super Bowl and a team executive would not have to arrange bail payment for a player.

7. Marion Barry, DC Mayor / Stanley Wilson’s nose candy binge, Super Bowl XXIII.

As blizzards buried Washington in 20 inches of snow in late January 1987, Barry, no stranger to the white stuff himself if you catch our drift, relaxed in Pasadena on a Super Bowl vacation. As public works officials fumbled, the mayor partied, eventually collapsing after smoking cocaine “laced with something”, according to a friend. Stanley Wilson, in keeping with the team ethos the Cincinnati Bengals have developed over the years, was found face down in the Peruvian marching powder and missed the big game.

6. Koo-Koo-Ka-Choo Mr. Robinson

Having happened in  less than 24 hours, this has to be one of the quickest falls from grace in NFL history. On the day prior to the 1999 Super Bowl in Miami, Atlanta Falcons free safety Eugene Robinson spent the morning accepting the Bart Starr Award for “high moral character” from a Christian group called Athletes in Action. The appropriateness of the name of the award wouldn’t become apparent until later that same evening when Robinson was arrested by an undercover officer for offering her $40 for sex.

5. Embezzling Down Pats

In 1997, Sheriff’s officials arrested a Spring Valley man accused of embezzling more than $100,000 from the New England Patriots football team, and of selling fraudulent Super Bowl tickets in Massachusetts. Of course, the Patriots and their current head coach are no strangers to cheating, having used spy cameras to monitor opponents. As mentioned here previously, a better name for them would be the New England Patriot Acts.

4. Things get weird at half-time

Of Bruce Springsteen’s 2009 Super Bowl half-time performance, Seattle PI wrote: “The best part of the show was when Springsteen did a good old fashioned rock ‘n’ roll power slide across the stage and landed, crotch first, on an NBC camera. After the ill-fated Springsteen slide, The Boss got right up and was all smiles.”

In 2007, Prince also reminded the football-loving public of man’s ability to fornicate during the half-time show when an image of him playing his guitar was projected onto a a large sheet and some were left wondering if he was just happy to see everybody.

3. Tail-Gate Terror?

Tailgate parties are the best way to support your team that involves getting your face-painted, getting drunk, and hopefully throwing up on the car of a VIP. In 2008, a 36-year-old restaurant owner, was upset with authorities for denying him a liquor license. To right this injustice he did what all people looking for a quick and satisfactory conclusion to their beefs do: he began writing insane letters to different newspapers. In these, he promised a “revolution” (presumably the aim of the revolution was to ensure that anyone who wants a Bacardi Breezer can have one, regardless of age), and carnage, which he said would be “swift and bloody”.He brought a semi-automatic rifle and 200 rounds of ammunition to a parking lot near University of Phoenix Stadium where tailgate activities were taking place, but did not go through with his promised act of violence and ended up turning himself in.

2. Raider Riots 2003.

The interesting thing about sports-related riots is that they can occur even after a victory, such as the riots in Montreal that happen any time the Canadiens hockey team does anything even remotely successful, like catch the bus on time. A combination of heavy “victory drinking”, and the exuberance of triumph being channeled in the most destructive manner possible means that a win for the home team could mean a hometown businessman filling out insurance forms the following morning for destroyed property. Even then though, people tend to go about turning over police cars and setting random fires with the kind of joie de vivre and good spirits attached to victory.

Things get meaner when the hometown loses, as they Oakland Raiders did in the 2003 Super Bowl. Oakland fans burned 12 cars, did a bunch of other damage; a McDonald’s restaurant was also among the collateral damage, which goes to show that every descent into anarchy has its bright spots.  It took 400 cops to quell the melee. Said one rioter: “If they would’ve won, we wouldn’t be doing this.”

1. Superbowl brawl, and subsequent murder: the Ray Lewis case.

The NFL is often dubbed the National Felon League and that seems unfair until you consider the fact that when Ray Lewis was arrested for murder, he was the second player in the league to face that charge in two months. Lewis was at a Super Bowl party in 2000 with two friends when a fight broke out with another group — two members of that group were stabbed to death. He beat the murder charge, but the public’s association between his name and murderous brawling did not endear him to Disney. Despite being the Super Bowl MVP, Lewis did not get the sponsorships to go with it and missed his moment with Mickey and the “I’m going to Disneyland [to elbow my way past the autograph hounds, sign a major promotional contract and swim in money!]” .

Publishers tend to look past their own culpability when it comes to fewer newspapers and more Jehovah’s Witness flyers ending up in mail slots when they centralized production at the expense of killing any interest a reader in a specific locale might have had in picking a paper up.

Instead of addressing fundamental flaws in the way they do business, the oxygen-deprived brain trust, compounds them. For example, Newsday, with the 11th-highest US circulation, recently restricted access to its online content to paid subscribers.

After three months, execs were asked how many people had signed up. When the reporter who posed the question heard the response, he asked for it to be repeated because he couldn’t’ believe his ears. It was ‘35’, which is even fewer people than the most unpopular Facebook user has on his friend list, and would mean a pretty poor turnout at a funeral, which in a way this is. It should serve as an example to any other newspaper that reckons it can turn “this internet thing” around by opting for a solution that would only work with a time machine and topless celebrities or a huge amount of luck.

But we have a soft spot for newspapers — until a shut-in is able to turn his rent-subsidized apartment into a firetrap by stockpiling items of interest collected from the internet, we will not fully accept the web’s takeover of written content. Here then is our gift to newspaper publishers worldwide, who were left wondering what else can be done after Newsday’s failure to get people to pay for online content — 25 Ways To Save The Newspaper Industry!

1. Promote heavy Sunday editions as non-fatal weapons for battles among inner-city youth.

2. Convince sports fans of the benefits of reading about games the day after they’ve been played and analyzed in minute detail online and on TV.

3. Dump all remaining full-time staff members in favor of those willing to work below the poverty level and interns, who are willing to work for free in exchange for valuable on-the-job training to prepare them for a career in an industry that will be completely dead in five years.

4. To eliminate delivery costs, have publications delivered to fulfill community service obligations (DUI recidivists with revoked licenses would be issued a wagon, the On the Wagon program).

5. Offer readers the opportunity to have columnists read them their work in person over breakfast.

6. Fire overpaid columnists and give their jobs to writers of letters to the editor who are just as well informed if not more so.

7. Get social media friendly by limiting stories to 140 words each, and offer to customize coverage to focus on developments in the lives of subscribers’ Facebook friends.

8. Make up names for central figures and places in crime stories to avoid costly lawsuits due to sloppy reporting. For example: Police arrested a suspect, let’s call him Melvin, for murdering his boss, let’s call him Chuck, at a downtown fast food franchise, let’s call it purveyor of knock-off Mexican food that gives this reporter diarrhea.

9. Abandon paper publishing entirely and have reporters read their copy online prefaced by 2-3 minutes of video advertising and/or pornography. Don’t like it? Rely on local unsubstantiated gossip for your daily news.

10. Get friendly with the arts and crafts people at rehabilitation centers and offer to source hats made out of newspapers for them.

11. Insist on press releases with quotes from notables already included. This cuts down on the time it takes to spell check and think up a headline pun.

12. When in doubt, pun.

13. New slogan for industry wide ad campaign: “Newspapers: they can also be used for wiping your ass while in captivity.”

14. Remember, Naked News need not have a monopoly on naked news.

15. Install razor sharp pincers in newspaper vending machines to pluck off the pinky finger of anybody who goes for more than one copy at a time.

"Maybe I can still find work in a boiler room."

16. Encourage staff members to take part-time work as PR writers so they get to see the start of the news cycle of most every story in newspapers these days.

17. Push reporters’ cars into nearest lake, thus saving the awkward “We can’t pay your gas expenses” talk.

18. To curb labor costs, have readers write their own reviews of restaurants, bars, tourist attractions. Wait, this is called Yelp.

19. Negotiate exclusive publishing rights with professional athletes for their blog content. After a big game, the athletes can share with readers what they thought of the game without busybody sports reporting intermediaries.

20. Film low-cost documentaries about behind-the-scenes news room goings-on with lots of journalism-specific product placement advertising—Gentleman Jack, Lucky Strikes, Starbucks.

21. Restore newspapers’ credibility by reversing trend toward advertorial writing — advertising rewritten to appear as a news item — by rewriting news stories in ad speak. “Swine flu, it’s not just for unhygienic farm hands any more.

22. Charge people a dollar a letter in the crossword puzzle.

23. Introduce a $50 prize to anyone who can spot the exact location of a “word of the day” in the print edition. For added fun, find a creative way to insert the special word into obituaries and announcements of foreclosures.

24. Make the job of paperboy more lucrative by giving the person something more valuable than newspapers to deliver, like firewood or drugs.

25. Encourage young people into the profession by arranging screenings of “All The President’s Men” and “The Insider”, while balancing this with the realities of the current state of the profession by throwing them down a flight of stairs afterward.

As the graph above illustrates, things can be easily organized into pie charts, and just the thought of a bit of pecan pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side is delicious. Also, if the world Hollywood presents accurately reflected our world, all amoral rich people would be one chance encounter with a charismatic pauper away from a life-changing shift in values, and the workforce would be divided roughly according to the graph above.

A Hollywood world come to life in this way would be anarchic, with the average citizen being hung from the lampposts as high-powered lawyers would go after the civil liberty abuses and backroom beatdowns that are the specialty of jaded cops, the two canceling each other out in terms of benefit to society. On the bright side, society’s collapse would be well documented by intrepid reporters and everybody would be looking fabulous thanks to the input of the unusually large number of folks involved in the fashion industry. As it rains fire outside, passionate inner city teachers would be inspiring their young charges to abandon a life of perpetual felony crime by introducing them to the collected works of Judy Blume.

There are obvious reasons why Hollywood films tend to focus on some jobs more than others. Movies are an escape mechanism for many people, so it would be difficult to drum up much box office by offering female viewers the Roto Rooter man to fantasize about. Likewise, it would be tough to construct a viable narrative around a telemarketer selling memberships to the meat of the month club.

As writers, a hugely overrepresented profession (most bafflingly portrayed in the Murder She Wrote series in which writer = harbinger of death), we thought we’d remedy this vocational discrepancy by highlighting professions that are unlikely to receive much screen time at an Imax theatre near you anytime soon in this our list of the Top 10 Jobs Never Seen in Movies.

10. Archaeologist of really tedious, perpetually unfruitful digs: Movies tend to distort the profession of archaeologist and make it seem more glamorous than it really is. Instead of a swashbuckler rescuing ancient treasures from snake-pits, we’d like to see an archaeologist who digs tediously for months on end to unearth, say, one shoe horn from the Bronze Age every 11 years. Again, in keeping with this cinema verite approach, the archaeologists should not be played by actors fulfilling the screen portion of their good looking pop idol contract, but rather the type of personal-care avoiding sloppy intellectual whose own ears are a few missed cleanings away from being dig-worthy.

9. Auctioneer: The auction is a convenient device for screenwriters to ratchet up the tension during the course of a movie, particularly a spy caper, and establish that the main characters are beyond-all-dreams-of-the-audience rich, but auctioneers are never main characters, and usually do not get more than a cursory bit of dialogue, “Sold, to the gentleman in the velvet tuxedo, who has attached a bomb to the hero of this film and locked him in a seemingly impenetrable cellar in this very building.”

8. Welder: A welder’s work is evident throughout every movie ever made. Buildings, bridges, two sheets of metal stuck together for no good reason as part of a decorative set piece, these are all products of the welder’s craft, and yet Hollywood has yet to set aside a budget of, say, 100 million dollars to feature one as a protagonist in a blockbuster feature film. The only tribute thus far, has been the Machinist, who was not exactly a credit to the profession, leaving associates with one less arm with which to wave at a parade.

7. Entertainment Coordinator for Luxury Cruise Line: Passengers, disillusioned with attempts to organize a karaoke night based on a back catalog of Eagles songs, (mostly unavailable due to copyright restrictions), kidnap the entertainment coordinator for a luxury cruise line and convince him to go ashore and avail himself of cocaine and Malaysian prostitutes—but the clincher is, he’s gay (earlier attempts to organize a Sound of Music pantomime tip off passengers under the age of 57 and much of the audience).

6. Roofer: For a culture that worships criminals, there are shockingly few movies featuring roofers in the lead role…Nail Gun Massacre is as close as we’ve seen, followed by Witness, which while featuring Harrison Ford erecting an Amish home, places him on the wrong side of the police line-up divide to be considered an accurate representation of the roofing profession.

5. Key Grip: There are countless movies about journalists, copywriters, editors, and novelists, mainly because that’s the background of most screenwriters, who tend to follow the ‘write what you know’ and ‘someone in a romantic comedy will walk into a post and another will pretend sing-along to Motown with a hairbrush’ ethos. But what about key grips? They are right out there with the gaffers among the heroes of film who never get any screen time. Plot suggestion: Rigging technician alters an otherwise dependably dull European film when a bout of vertigo leads to an unintended third camera angle.

4. Human Test Subject for New Diarrhea Medication: Countless movies have relied on the premise of humans being used as test subjects for various nefarious products, which generally result in Homo sapiens being transformed into rapacious apes. Here, test subject is transformed into a rapacious avoider of solid foods.

3. Professional Badminton Player: On the gridiron, a heroic last-second touchdown will bring a tear to the eye of the dad who momentarily regrets beating his son to make sure he didn’t quit the team. On the diamond, there is the singles hitter who suddenly, (without ingesting a regimen of pills that made Mark McGwire look like he wore a parka under his uniform), goes yard for the kid with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Up until this point, the definitive badminton movie has yet to be brought to the big-screen. Plot synopsis: Professional badminton player bemoans the lack of adulation, groupies, media coverage and respect accorded to his sport and begins a slow, steady descent into alcoholism. Includes at least one sad, poignant and yet unintentionally funny reference to a shuttlecock.

2. Antique Dealer: An antique dealer finds a rare Victorian mahogany drop front desk with lions and goes on a killing spree.

1. ASL Teacher: First movie in the history of modern cinema where English subtitles are required for an English film as American Sign Language Teacher inspires a group of misfit, deaf (def!) ghetto kids to fulfill their dreams (dreams shown in conspicuously silent flashbacks)

Honorable Mentions:

Cheese Shop Proprietor: People meet and fall in love at local Fromagerie, as samples are given away by good-hearted proprietor/matchmaker. Man’s love for Swiss Gruyère leads him into the arms of a lady friend, who leaves him after being prescribed cholesterol lowering medication.

Nutritionist: The health professions are well represented in cinema, be they psychiatrists who propel the protagonist through mind-numbing flashbacks or young doctors stuck in traffic alongside a woman who is about to give birth in a taxi, but what about those folks whose homilies about the importance of fish oils go unheeded in the mass media? Nutritionist romances a shut-in neighbor by saving them from a bout of Osteomalacia by opening a curtain and exposing them to vitamin D.

Right up there though, a fear of heights excepted, is leaping off something suitably towering as there is nothing that’ll bring you down to earth faster than gravity.

In San Francisco, they know a thing or two about this as the Golden Gate Bridge has launched more bodies than a trade show for trampolines.

A gruesome article in the Chronicle pointed out that after one of these sans parachute skydives, the human body goes from 80 mph to nearly zero in a nanosecond and internal organs tend to keep going according to the physics of inertia—let’s just say that this method of passing is a lot more violent than being smothered in a less than reputable nursing home.

Autopsy reports typically indicate jumpers have lacerated internal organs and don’t always kick it on impact so it behooves the rest of us, should we find someone in such a vulnerable position, to minimize the risk of auto insurance claims being filed below and to help the person out as best we can.

A UK DJ, staking a claim to moral real estate so far-flung it might land him an invite to freelance here, recently played a request for Van Halen’s Jump, while a four-lane highway was closed and traffic snarled due to efforts to talk a suicidal woman down 30 feet. Understandably, this was met with much objection although one editorial pointed out that “the courageous DJ was expressing solidarity and compassion for the poor drivers stuck in traffic.”

Think of this as a PSA of sorts, not that prostate exam but the other kind, for what types of songs should not, under any circumstances, be blasted from the sound-system of your ride when someone is out on a ledge.

10. Jump Flo Rida / Up Where we Belong Joe Cocker Jennifer Warnes

Choice Lyrics:

“Now I’m gonna take it to the roof

Everybody with me got they own parachute.”

and…

“Love lift us up where we belong

Far from the world below.”

9. I’m Gonna Fly Amy Grant

Choice Lyrics

“I’m gonna fly

No one knows where

But I’m gonna fly.”

8. Jumpin Jack Flash  Rolling Stones

Choice Lyrics

“I was drowned

I was washed up and left for dead.”

7. Tonight we Fly   Divine Comedy

Choice Lyrics:

Tonight we fly

Over the chimney tops

Skylights and slates -

Looking into all your lives

And wondering why

Happiness is so hard to find

6. Spread your Wings  Queen

Choice Lyrics

“Fly away, far away.

That’s because you’re a free man.”

5. Jump   Simple Plan

Choice Lyrics

“I wanna break free

I’m so frustrated

I just wanna jump”

4. Free Fallin’   Tom Petty

Choice Lyrics

“Gonna free fall, out into nothin’

Gonna leave this world for a while.”

3. I Believe I can Fly   R Kelly

Choice Lyrics

“I think about it every night and day

Spread my wings and fly away”

2. Learning to Fly   Tom Petty

Choice Lyrics

“Learning to fly when you ain’t got wings,

Comin’ down is the hardest thing”

1. Jump   Van Halen

Choice Lyrics

“Might as well jump, go ahead jump”

Honorable Mentions:

I Fall to Pieces, Patsy Cline, Suicide Solution, Ozzy Osbourne, Another One Bites the Dust, Queen, Fall on Me, R.E.M. Flying without Wings, Westlife, Flight of Icarus, Iron Maiden

In 1992, in a move that riled both the previous host, Johnny Carson, and anyone with a sense of humor who had not been somehow decisively thwarted in life, Jay Leno won The Tonight Show spot over the far funnier, innovative legend of Late Night, David Letterman.

Leno then spent years upsetting anyone who made the mistake of turning on the television during a commercial break, figuring it had been tuned into Letterman and then getting into bed only to have the Chin appear on the screen and realizing too late that the remote was out of arm’s reach. His show was popular among the lowest common denominator of comedy fans, which also meant that it was hugely successful for a number of years since a surprisingly huge number of people embrace crap.

Do it for Team Coco!

Then the hope of pre-midnight laughter on NBC arose when it was announced that Leno was going to be stepping aside for Conan O’Brien.

Often when current, big shot comedy writers talk about their formative experiences, they talk about being on one of three writing teams: SNL, Letterman, and Conan during his time at Late Night. Conan wrote some of The Simpsons all-time best episodes, including a Shark Guy favorite, “Marge Versus The Monorail”, and he actually improved upon what had up to that point been the funniest franchise in late night talk show history, “Late Night With David Letterman”, with his team’s own hilarious sketches, top among them Triumph The Insult Comic Dog, and the Masturbating Bear.

The first week of the Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien contained more fresh ideas and innovative comedy than any single year of the show under Jay Leno. It seemed that Team Coco was going to extend and improve upon The Tonight Show franchise just as it had done with Late Night. Admittedly, this was far easier to do as it was building from the ground up comedy-wise with The Tonight Show, but still, all positive up to that point.

Of course, rather than fading into an endless succession of Las Vegas stand-up dates playing to rooms full of lobotomized people, Jay Leno announced that he was going to move to 10pm, which he called the “new 11.30pm”. He did the impossible and managed to produce a program that was even more derivative and uninspired than his Tonight Show.

Like being the captain of the next ship on the RMS Titanic Co's cruise calendar.

Leno might have been stroking that big chin of his when he made this decision, as it turned out to be a crafty one. The Jay Leno show comprised lame skits, monologues so bad they almost seemed antagonistic, and set pieces that made one wonder if the writer’s strike had really ended. Much good humor had already been sucked out of the world by the time 11.35pm came on and The Tonight Show began.

For Conan, following the Jay Leno show was like being thrown out of an airplane with a 200-pound weight on your back instead of a parachute. As Leno himself said in this interview when justifying why his own show was tanking at 10pm.: “Lead-ins are important. On the nights when we have a strong lead-in, we are competitive; on the nights we don’t, it’s up to us to try and carry the ball ourselves….”

To salvage the wreck of the Jay Leno Show debacle, NBC decided to give Leno back his 11.35pm slot, perhaps reasoning that it would be impossible for Leno to decimate his own audience by leading into his own show. After a few disingenuous jokes about how he had been “fired again”, Leno accepted the offer, undoubtedly thrilled to steer the Tonight Show franchise back on the path of unchallenging mediocrity that he has long championed.

Below we have identified five traits that we find particularly irksome about Jay Leno. This is by no means a definitive list — we make no mention of Leno’s band leader, Kevin Eubanks, the most uncharismatic man on television — but here are The Five Most Annoying Things About Jay Leno.

5. Shameless Corporate Shill

Network television is run by ads, so anyone on it can be dubbed a corporate shill, but there’s a way to handle that without seeming like the president of the local chapter of the Big Industrial Pollute, Fatten and Stupefy fan club.

The late comedian Bill Hicks once admired Leno, but grew disillusioned when he saw Leno on TV stuffing Doritos in his gob for cash.

This from Alternative Reel’s Top Hicks quotes:

“Selling Doritos on TV? What a fuckin’ whore. And not even when he needed the money either, you know? If you’re a young actor, I’ll look the other way, but the guy makes $3 million a year, he decides to hock Doritos to make more money. You don’t got enough money you fucking whore? You’ve got to sell snacks to bovine America now? It’s Satan fucking him in the ass on national TV man . . . fuck . . .”

To this day, Leno is no stranger to sucking at the teat of Corporate America, as this compilation from a September episode of his terrible recent foray into prime time makes clear.

4. But Says He’s Not in it for the money

It’s one thing to prostitute your creative output in the pursuit of filthy lucre. We can understand that, and we too like our lucre, the filthier the better. But Leno claims he’s not in it for the money.

He told Rolling Stone:

Showbiz is not that hard. People make it difficult. The problem starts when you have to have all the money. I don’t need all the money. I’ve said this a million times, and it’s clichéd, but I’ve never touched a dime of TV money. I put it in the bank and live off the money I make as a stand-up comedian. That keeps me honest.

If the money isn’t important to him, and he doesn’t give a crap about doing anything worthwhile in comedy, then why does he insist on continuing with the show?

Jay trades wits with a puppet. Puppet 1, Jay 0

3. His Nice Guy Shtick

Mention Jay Leno and the most common response you get even from those who would rather watch their own open-heart surgery in the OR is that he seems like a really nice guy.

First, who cares if he’s a friendly guy in real life, and tips generously at places with valet parking? Overly talkative people on the bus are often quite amiable, but we wouldn’t want to listen to them deliver monologues after the news, especially if the experience is not preferable to discount root canal at the dental college. But more importantly and as recent events make perfectly clear: he’s not that nice. Leno undermined Conan with his lousy lead-in show, and even went so far as to say in an interview that he would be happy to take up the reins at 11.35pm again “if [NBC] wanted it”. He said that before anyone suggested that NBC might return him to his old slot, and was basically implying that he’d happily knock Conan out of the position if given the opportunity.

Leno denied having any such ambitions in his Rolling Stone interview: “I said, ‘Guys, whatever you want to do.’ I’ve never been one of these guys that breaks up with a girl and goes, ‘But why? If I do this, will you go out with me?’ I’m more like, ‘Babe, if you don’t want to see me, I’m gone. It’s over. Thank you.’ ”

Actually, he’s more like the passive aggressive guy who gets dumped and then waits for the right moment when his ex is either drunk or suffering from low self-esteem to sweep in and get a leg-over.

Jay Leno, likely in the process of delivering a terrible monologue joke.

2. Horrendous Monologue Jokes

Also in his interview with Rolling Stone, Leno lists extending the monologue from 3-4 minutes to 14 as one of his innovations during his time at The Tonight Show. Since his monologues elicit more groans than recent gunshot wounds, this hardly seems like an innovation worth bragging about.

If these zingers from recent episodes of the Jay Leno show are any indication, he could have extended the monologue to PBS Pledge Drive drive proportion and not registered an increase in funny material:

(on the link between hemorrhoids and marijuana):
“Talk about a doubie up your bootie!” -Jay Leno

“Well, it’s growing more and more likely that California will legalize marijuana. You mean it’s not already legal?” –Jay Leno

“Well of course, the big political story, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid got himself in hot water during the election, when he described Barack Obama as a ‘light-skinned’ African-American ‘with no negro dialect.’ See, that may explain why Reid was the Senate majority leader and not the Senate minority leader.” –Jay Leno.

1. He was funny once

It may seem shocking, but Jay Leno was actually funny once. As Patton Oswalt noted in this Comedy Death Ray segment, Jay Leno’s current incarnation is all the more disappointing because at one time capable of producing great comedy.

Here, in a segment from Late Night With David Letterman, Leno does a bit on hackneyed comedy, and it seems a shame that he would go on to become synonymous with just that.

An ideal audience would be comprised of people without cell phones, who have cast-iron bladders and remain rapt throughout the show, responding in a manner appropriate to the performance – fist pumps for a hard rock band, or a twitch of a facial muscle to signify one is still drawing air during an interpretative dance performance. But if such crowds were commonplace and a career in the arts was that easy, everybody would be pursuing one – and by that we mean an even larger percentage of everyone than currently cattle it up for tryouts of those reality karaoke TV shows.

A brutal audience can reduce a performer to tears, but for the most part there is a respected line separating the beleaguered performer dying on stage and the hooting, jeering crowd that feels a two-drink minimum bestows the right to demean a stranger.

There are times, however, when audience/performer interaction goes beyond a roadie circulating in a crowd to invite two college girls for a backstage shower and mini Mardi Gras. Sometimes those who would only be under a spotlight if it was shone on them by prison guards feel the need to get involved. Here are the Top 10 Stage Rushes!

First, a Shark Guys’ video compilation of seven of the Top 10 Stage Rushes!

10. Keith Richards Swings

The Rolling Stones most infamous performance was undoubtedly their Altamont concert in 1969, when the late 1960s-like decision was made to give the security detail to the booze and meanness-fueled Hells Angels. More than a decade after that incident, Richards dealt with an unruly fan in a manner that makes one wonder if security details at Rolling Stones concerts have ever been necessary.

It was Richard’s 38th birthday, December 18, 1981 at the Hampton Coliseum in Virginia, during an encore of Satisfaction, when a fan rushed the stage in an attempt to nab a sweaty vest that Richards had taken off earlier in the show. Richards then set an example for everyone on this list about how to deal with intruders. Seeing the fan, Richards, not betraying the slightest hint of an internal debate as to what his next move should be, removed his guitar, bashed the interloper in the head with it, strapped the guitar back on and continued to play. Rock and Roll.

Ronnie Wood wondered perhaps if Richards could have dealt with the situation in a manner that did not involve connecting Telecaster to the skull of a what was perhaps just an overly excited fan, but Keith wouldn’t have any of it:

From Keith Richards: the unauthorised biography. Ron Wood: “I said, ‘Hey, Keith, he’s only a fan. No reason to fuckin’ hit him.’ And Keith went, ‘Oh, yeah? What if had a fuckin’ gun in his hand or a knife? I mean, he might be a fan, he might be a nutter, and he’s on my turf. I’m gonna chop the mother down!”

9. Jerry Sadowitz Can Blame Canada for a KO

Successful stand-up comics are those who are able to engage with their audiences. One way to do this is to choose one member of the audience who seems ripe for mockery — someone with a mullet, perhaps, or just a poor sap sweating with anxiety at the prospect of being singled out by a malevolent comic asshole — and give that person a Don Rickles-style razzing. Since people generally are monsters when gathered in large groups, such barbs will be met with approval, which is partly relief at not having been the one the comedian selected.

In 1991, Scottish comedian Jerry Sadowitz, aimed to cause offence on a larger scale — verbally attacking the entire crowd, rather than one unlucky sap — and paid for it. Performing at Montreal’s Just For Laughs Festival, Sadowitz may have banked too heavily on the placid, polite reputation of Canadians when he opened his set with, “Hello moosefuckers! I tell you why I hate Canada, half of you speak French, and the other half let them.” Sacre bleu! An audience member ran up on stage and clobbered Sadowitz, knocking him out with a punch.

8. Zappa nearly gets killed

It’s one thing to get punched out by a fan angered when you imply that he and his fellow countrymen use a moose’s antlers to steer during a sexual escapade; it is another entirely to be nearly sent to your death by a nutter in the audience. In 1971, Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention played a gig at London’s Rainbow Theatre. At a concert the previous week, Frank and the Mothers had had their equipment destroyed in a fire started when a yahoo in the audience threw a flare that started a fire and caused the casino in which they were performing to burn down. That was the lighthearted, fun part of the month for Frank and the boys.

At the Rainbow, an audience member rushed the stage and pushed Zappa into the orchestra pit, a 15-foot drop and a painful one as the floor was concrete and, like many orchestra pits of its time, this one did not have a net. His fellow band members were already rehearsing the funeral dirge. Zappa did not die, but was severely injured in the incident, which left him stuck in a wheelchair and unable to tour for more than six months. The fan who shoved Zappa into the pit purportedly gave dissatisfaction as his reason for nearly murdering the musical innovator, and composer of such classics as Catholic Girls and Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow. The man, who was sentenced to 12 months, said he did not believe he was getting his money’s worth out of the performance. We cannot imagine the kind of carnage that would ensue if vigilantes sought similar retribution today.

7. Phish Streaker.

Along with most metal bands, a Phish audience is one you’d least like to see exposed but unfortunately, as it’s comprised mostly of naturist nouveau hippies, you’re more apt to get an eyeful. If that wasn’t damaging enough to the senses, their music requires a pharmaceutical rep’s suitcase full of drugs to endure. As one commenter recently put it, “I’ve had Phish Phreaks say I need to free my mind….what do I have to be high to enjoy it? I could be high and throw cheerios into a toilet for 4 hours and think it was the greatest game ever.” We couldn’t agree more.

If their fans are like protesters at Kent State, call us the Ohio National Guard. For nearly interrupting 27 minutes of tuneless jam band senescence, we salute nude guy. It’s fitting that the gerund form of the band’s name refers to a scheme that separates people from their hard-earned cash.

6. Ol’ Dirty Bastard at the Grammys.

People forget that Kanye was not the first rapper to snatch an award away from a bland singer-songwriter. At the 1998 Grammy Awards, ‘Dirt McGirt’ AKA Big Baby Jesus, AKA Joe Bananas, hijacked the mic from Shawn Colvin during her acceptance speech and declared that filthy hip hop innovators Wu Tang Clan were ‘For the children!”

5. Protest Streak at Liverpool Theater.

It’s important in life to set goals. Mark Roberts, according to his website, is “attempting to break the world record for most naked/nearly naked people in one place at the same time”.

Roberts has struck at international soccer matches, the Cannes Film Festival, the Ascot, Snooker tournaments and most notably, the 2004 Superbowl. While all the world’s a stage, this player gets his props here for interrupting a more highbrow undertaking: the theater. Night Collar was a play about a taxi driver that included a minor character based on Roberts himself. The makers of the production were, Roberts called those behind the production “cheeky” (an interesting choice of words for a pro streaker) for not allowing him to audition to play himself. Roberts shed his clothes and hit the stage, in front of, of all people his mother, who noted: “It’s become a way of life for him, he enjoys it and I don’t think it offends people these days.”

4. Jackie Chan Jumps on Stage Drunk.

Chan is a natural fit here. He starred in Rush Hour, which co-starred Chris Tucker and thus means he is accustomed to annoying large masses of people.

Chan, at a concert for a Taiwanese pop star, proved he was a Drunken Master Baiter when he jumped on stage, swore at the crowd, demanded to sing a duet, called the band “arrogant” for not properly counting him in, and then further endeared himself to an increasingly hostile mob by declaring “Jackie Chan is drunk. Jackie Chan is doing whatever he wants”.

Presumably Chan had himself in mind when he gave the thumbs up to people having their personal liberties stamped upon with his controversial remarks last year about how Chinese people “need to be controlled” and too much freedom is not a good thing. “If we’re not being controlled, we’ll just do what we want.”

3. Noel Gallagher Shoved into Speaker’s Corner.

In the days of Vaudeville, the Apollo’s ‘Sandman’ Sims would haul sub-par performers offstage with a shepherd’s crook, which became known as ‘getting the hook’. This spared the audience from performers who had the cajones, but not the tact to continue performing despite being drowned out by boos and was probably a good security measure to counteract the type of violence that would soon be inflicted on them if they continued. Unfortunately, such measures aren’t employed today (or else Nickelback would have to change their name to Shorn Sheep) leaving people to take matters into their own hands when they feel a performance is not up to par. A Toronto-area man “so intoxicated he could not remember how he got there,” leapt on stage and shoved the Oasis singer into a speaker breaking three of his ribs, and given how polarizing that quasi Beatles cover band is, was touted as both a villain and a Facebook hero.

2. Bob Dylan and Soy Bomber

Bob Dylan was playing “Love Sick” at the 1998 Grammys when Michael Portnoy, a man who had originally been promised 200 bucks to stand in the background with other dancers and bob his head, stripped off his shirt to reveal the words “Soy Bomb” written on his chest and proceeded to dance.

Dylan can be seen trying to mentally will security guards over to pummel this guy, but the dancing went on for 40 seconds before someone realized that Dylan would not normally incorporate a half-naked guy doing interpretative dance into the performance of a brooding guitar-based number. Portnoy explained the Portnoy was not charged for the incident, though he was denied his 200 dollar head-bobbing fee.

1.  Kanye West Interrupts Taylor Swift.

As years pass it’ll become easier to forget that this guy was once a talented rapper before churning out Eurotrash club music that would clear a dance floor quicker than an argument between a Blood and a Cripp. At the 2009 MTV Music Video Awards, West distinguished himself when he wrested an award away from a stunned teenager, at which point he should’ve been tackled and frog-marched out the building. Instead he gave birth to a meme, which we admittedly contributed to.

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