July 3, 2009 lists

We are both Canadian, as those who are close to us and those who update our driver’s licenses every 10 years know (these two groups are, for now, mutually exclusive… but we’re working on buttering up a few of the people who give the eyesight test).

However, we have enjoyed numerous benders throughout the United States, most memorably in New York, San Diego, New Orleans, Nashville and Memphis, and have made our dollar stretch in taverns a fair number of ports of call in between. Every Canadian’s first vacation is across the southern border, so as a tribute to our US friends, we’d like to share some Independence Day gift offerings.

While the 44th president’s mug is slapped on mugs, plates, shirts and practically anything you can think of, we figured we’d adopt a non-partisan approach to tracking down gifts for those hard-to-please folks who’d most likely salute the flag pole and would not be impressed by a very unpatriotic expiry date gift card.

The merch we’ve compiled here can certainly brighten a Fourth of July (literally, in some cases as your retinas might be singed with Old Glory His & Hers Waistcoats) but as with Christmas lights on the house in June, it’s never too early to get ready for the Yuletide shopping season as well.

1) Stars and Stripes Guitar-Shaped Belt-Buckle and Bottle Opener: This product, which can be yours for the low-low price of $15.99 (or your best offer, on Craig’s List, EBay), is quite possibly the greatest patriotic item in the history of mankind. Are we exaggerating? Short answer: No. This is for the patriotic citizen who is looking to spend his Independence Day kicking ass and chewing bubblegum, but who suddenly finds himself lacking bubble gum. Not only is this item rock n’ roll by its very shape — tell us you don’t think of Jimi Hendrix’s version of the Star Spangled Banner when you clock your eyes on to that — but it’s also an extremely versatile product.

• First it will help hold up your pants, and if you’re going to be cutting loose on the dance floor on Independence Day, you don’t want your your top half independent from your bottom.

• Secondly, you can open your beers with it. What’s more, you can make friends, and possibly win a future wife, by letting others open their beers on your belt. Of course, any bar where belt-buckles like this are the norm might be the kind of place where a broken nose and a fist-fight are part of the floor show. That is where it’s third use comes in: as a weapon. What better way to celebrate your country’s birthday then by leaving the impression of Ole’ Glory on some idiot’s forehead?

2) Old Glory Bed Spread. Politics makes strange bedfellows and now strange bed accessories. Honor 8 years of Bill Clinton in the Oval Office by polling your own electorate on an Old Glory Bed Spread.

Reenact geo-politcs with hard and soft power and show the French who’s boss with tri-coleur under sheets.

3) American Flag-themed rolling papers: While marijuana is still illegal under US federal law, several states have decriminalized in it. In California, you can get a medical permit to access enough of the stuff to make Snoop Dogg want to throw up from the smell. Celebrate the great freedoms in the US that only promise to get greater as the decriminalization of pot continues by sparking up an Independence Day joint that is the size of Shaq’s middle finger using these appropriately-themed rolling papers.

4) Budweiser American Eagle Beer-tap Handle: Frank Zappa once said “You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” America’s beer (in a manner of speaking, as a Belgian mega-brewer has since taken it over) and a surprisingly popular choice in Ireland where there is better beer like Beamish on tap, is Budweiser.

We cannot trash talk this brew too too much as we have our own similarly piss poor beers in Canada, thank you Messers Molson and Labatt. This ornamental beer tap however can be put on any sort of brew and you can put a piece of masking tape over the Budweiser name. Drinking draft beer is about the most pleasantly patriotic thing we can think of doing, and what better way to do that then by tapping the symbol of American freedom, and the motif for many a bad tattoo, the bald eagle.

5) Red, White and Blue Playboy Briefs: The whole publishing industry should’ve used Playboy as a watermark as they were among the first casualties of the internet revolution (Since followed by, well, everything else). Now, Hef & co. are reduced to selling the practically treasonous undergarments shown here. So tasteless the guy who plays guitar in his underwear at Times Square, signed up to join the Marines.  Salute July 4th the proper way with our list of US State Songs.

6) Story of the American Revolution Beer Stein: You’ve sat through hours of history class in school and made a concerted effort to forget what you were learning the moment it hit your ears. You watched the HBO John Adams miniseries and enjoyed it, but couldn’t reconcile one of your founding fathers being played by that guy from Sideways who slurped wine out of a McDonald’s super-sized cup.

So how do you keep up with a conversation on patriotism and the American tradition on this auspicious day? By guzzling beer from one of these handsomely decorated beer steins. Running along the sides of the beer steins are four of the most important battles of the revolutionary war — the Battle of Bunker Hill, the Battle of Princeton, the Battles of Saratoga and the Siege of Yorktown. Remembering these four names and remarking, “Ah, it really gets to you when you think of the fine men who fought at [insert name of battle depending on position of stein at the time of utterance].” If you’re drinking with fellow patriots, and you are drinking in public (the latter unlikely unless you are the kind of guy who brings his own stein to the bar, in which case we salute you) someone may even buy you a round.

7) US Military Pool Cue Set: Americans may not have invented the game of billiards, but they have certainly produced some of its finest champions, invariably dubbed ‘Fats’ and they most definitely have made the best movies on the sport — we’re talking “The Hustler”, not its inferior sequel which Martin Scorsese made to pay off creditors. The cues can be purchased separately and there is one each for the Army, Air Force, Marines, Navy, Coast Guard, and the U.S. Flag. This is the ideal way to support the troops on Independence Day, acknowledge the sacrifices made by past generations so that you could enjoy your present freedoms, and win 10 bucks by hustling some rube who thinks you can’t play worth a damn.

8) Stars and Stripes Nunchucks: As the saying goes, “It’s better to have some chucks than nun chucks at all”. If you party the way you should be partying on Independence Day, chances are the neighbors are going to get upset. Raising a ruckus and getting all the neighborhood dogs howling in unison is what freedom is all about. The perfect gift for the partier who lives on the wrong side of the tracks, these slick-looking nunchucks will most certainly club the nearest beat cop investigating a disturbance into quick submission. They have “don’t tread on me” written all over them. It is recommended when rapping someone across the knees with these babies that you say something along the lines of “And that, came from the good ole’ U, S, of A”.

9) His and Hers Stars & Stripes Waistcoats: You won’t be called a pantywaist ever again (at least not to your face) with this most dashing haberdashery. Suggestion: well suited to horrible musical comedy on public television, preferably on a piano. Top hat optional.

10) Old Glory Surgical Cap: While in revolutionary times, it’s unlikely to have been donned while lopping off a gangrenous limb, you can perform impromptu living room gallbladder removals or, if you’re actually a saw bones, atrial septal defect repair in the more sanitary confines of a surgical suite, while winking at the surgical nurses who’d no doubt delight in your youthful love of country exuberance.

11) Stars & Stripes Guitar Pick Earrings. Have you ever been at a party where you’re asked to rock out on someone’s axe, and you demur with a ‘uh, I don’t have a pick?’ (or even a Mexican peso, famously played by Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top) Well, now you don’t have to empty out lint-riddled pockets with your very own, guitar pick earrings. Also works well with a Hendrix, playing-guitar-behind-your-head impression.

12) Red, White and Blue Cat Collar: Make Fluffy easier to find if she makes a mad dash for freedom.

13) American Flag Purse. Spend your way out of the recession with your very own Stars & Stripes purse, a ‘Kelvin Chen original’. For those of you who haven’t heard of Kelvin Chen (until we downloaded the picture, neither had we), he is  self-described “whimsical photographer, painter, illustrator, web designer, musician, coder, programmer, creative consultant and a professional glutton”. You can’t top that.

14) A Hat That Will Give you a Standing Ovation: This item (top left) speaks for itself, as does the pained expression on the model’s face, who looks like she’s being asked to ‘pull my finger’ rather than the string that makes the hands clap.

15)  Mickey Mouse Pin. Show up Euro Disney from the comfort of Epcot Center with your Stars & Stripes Mickey.

PLEASE SEE OUR TOP 10 BEER FASHION DISASTERS!

June 22, 2009 celebrities, lists

Being a father isn’t easy unless your ticket into that fraternity was deposited into a specimen jar and handed with a sheepish look to someone in a lab coat. It’s true that men do not have to go through pregnancies and what must be the unspeakable horror of passing a live being through one’s loins, but we do have to witness our favorite comedians dumping their best material for “new daddy” jokes and depending on the comedian, that can be far more traumatic.

Fatherhood is one of the most difficult challenges a man can face that’s brought on by the lack of an all-night pharmacy within a frenzied five-minute walk. Average fathers face enough of a challenge these days deciding on how to best to fill one’s offspring’s head with every half-baked idea one has had and brow-beating said offspring into taking on your your long-dead dreams as their own. Add to that the pressures of being rich and famous– chief among them having to be a whoring, neglectful scoundrel — and it’s no surprise that fatherhood has proven tough for some celebs.

We thought we’d offer a quick rundown of some examples celebs have given workaday egg fertilizers on how NOT to parent children. We’ve selected here moments rather than just all around awful parenting, as the latter list would likely run until the next greeting-card generated holiday. Here are our Top 5 Bad Celebrity Father Moments!

And he also loaded his kids up on carbs.

5) Hulk Hogan’s jailhouse pep talk to son: The children of celebrities are often seen as shallow, self-centred pricks of the first order and while this is probably mostly true, they did not get that way without the help of some godawful parenting. In 2007, Nick Hogan, issue of pater Hulk, was arrested for reckless driving that resulted in a friend of the family needing nursing home care for the rest of his life.

Hulk told his boy to take his medicine, learn from the incident and return to the road in a Volvo to be driven at reasonable speeds and only in good weather conditions. Well, no. In a jailhouse conversation with his son that was — in the great tradition of law enforcement — leaked to TMZ.com, the elder Hogan laid this running legdrop of a sentiment on the now near vegetative victim of the crash: “Well, I don’t know what type of person John was. Or what he did to get himself in this situation. I know he was pretty aggressive and yelled at people and do stuff. And for some reason God laid some heavy shit on that kid.” In addition to some troubling theism, the Hulkster effectively gets the 1-2-3 count on any sense of personal responsibility his son could have ever hoped to develop.

Alec Baldwin and a little girl who may or not be a "thoughtless pig".

4) Alec Baldwin cusses out daughter on voicemail: Moving on from the Hulkster — himself currently in the midst of an acrimonious divorce — we turn to another case of high-profile parents duking it out in celebrity divorce hell. Alec Baldwin was the envy of every heterosexual male who passed puberty with flying colours when he shacked up with Kim Basinger. Those who remember him in those early days as “that smug prick who married Kim Basinger” would later get a bit of schadenfreude from his nasty divorce battle with said 80s fine business. As with many people capable of hiring attorneys whose moneyclips are worth more than what’s in our bank accounts, their divorce became nasty and custody for rights became a point of contention. In the heat of battle, Alec placed a call to his daughter, who had her phone off at the time.

He was livid and left a voicemail with the kind of abuse that would have been better targeted at, say, a roofer: “You have insulted me. You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 years old, or 11 years old [Editor's Note: That he apparently forgot his daughter's age could not have been in his favor come custody hearing] … You have humiliated me for the last time with this phone.” After issuing what might sound to the untrained ear like a death threat, Baldwin closes with that old pappy stand-by: “I’m going to let you know just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are. You are a rude, thoughtless little pig, OK?”

3) Michael Jackson dangles baby outside window: Somehow Michael Jackson is not the first name that springs to mind when you think of fine quality paternal stock. Aside from spending a fair portion of his life either in court with or paying shakedown money to parents accusing him of acts that would hopefully see his application as a boy scout master turned down, Jackson also had one of the most baffling and creepy conception dramas in celeb-dom.

In 2002, worldwide media, always thrilled to have the opportunity to rhyme something with “Jacko”, leaped on footage of Jackson holding his infant son over the railing of a high-floor balcony in a German hotel. An outrage ensued, perhaps because fans were worried (and undoubtedly justifiably so) that Jackson would not have the muscle mass to hold onto the under 10kg infant for any length of time, and that the term bouncing baby boy would be sorely tested.

2) Crocodile Hunter dangles baby IN FRONT OF CROCODILE: In keeping on with our theme of infant endangerment — one of our favorites to rap on — we bring you — CRIKEY! — to the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin. In 2004, everybody’s favorite Paul Hogan in shorts brought his infant son into a crocodile enclosure and fed a whole chicken to the croc while, cradled in his other arm, Irwin’s clueless baby offered a tasty after-dinner alternative.

In response to charges that introducing one’s baby into the enclosure of a man-eating beast was perhaps something less than stellar parenting, Irwin stressed the need for his children to be “croc savvy”, lamely suggesting that there was some sort of educational component in it for his month-old son, an age at which most kids are learning to successfully poop. Suffice it to say that when Irwin got the business end of a stingray a few years later and the tributes rolled in, this incident was not at the top of the lifetime highlight reels.

1) Woody Allen seduces and marries adopted stepdaughter: Leaving Mia Farrow for her adopted stepdaughter Soon Yi Previn put Woody Allen at the tip of everybody’s tongue when old lech syndrome came up and did almost as much damage to his reputation as a father and husband as Scoop did to his cred as a man capable of making a funny film. Personally we think Woody gets an unfair rap on this issue — after all, given Mia Farrow’s decades-old propensity for adopting disadvantaged children, chances are that you’d end up meeting at least one of them on any given round of speed-dating. But the Woodster did nothing to turn naysayers to his cause in Wild Man Blues, a rare documentary look into his private life (while on tour with a band as a clarinetist). At one point, marvelling on how far his bride has come along, he calls her, “this kid who was eating out of garbage pails in Korea.”

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY FROM THE SHARK GUYS!

June 15, 2009 lists

Ever since David Letterman realized that his show functioned as a better lead-in to the Flavor Wave Turbo oven infomercial when he compiled lists of things, Top 10 countdowns have taken off like their Cape Canaveral counterpart.

[As a side note: one night in a Chicago blues bar, band members made the mistake of asking some white guy to count the drummer in for the next song...instead of 1..2, a 1, 2, 3 he offered '5, 4, 3, 2, 1', cracking up the entire band and probably making them reconsider their career choice, or at very least their decision to play for predominantly Caucasian audiences].

We salute Letterman for popularizing the Top 10 list format and for giving us an excuse for a Monday spent throwing lawn darts into the lake (that just sounds like a really relaxing way to pass the time).

Yes, Top 10 Lists are very popular, so popular in fact, that we’ve compiled more than 50 of them on this site since we started. For those of you who might’ve missed some of them, and also missed the last time we mentioned you might’ve missed some of them (this is a disturbing trend), here are some of our favorite lists we’ve put together thus far.

Cab Driver Movies

“Many people distrust cabbies. Luckily, in this age of GPS you have a better chance at thwarting a sudden turn onto a designated parade route. Still, digressions more tortuous than the Da Vinci Code have many opting for the bus instead.

That being said, most cabbies are honest and hard working and risk knifings from the backseat or just as scarily, projectile vomiting from there as well and are occasionally called upon to deliver babies and wipe up afterward.” [for more click here]
Weird Beer Flavors

“Previously we covered booze-flavored toothpaste, just the thing for those looking to spruce up in the morning after by brushing their teeth with something that will give them an instant and sickening reminder of the night prior. These days, there is a trend towards making alcohol-related products taste like something else – hence the rise of alcopops and various other beverages that are commonly ordered by
girl drink drunks” [for more click here]

US State Songs

We previously delved into the (if you’ll excuse the redundancy) world of geography with our 25 Horrible Bands Named after Places and in doing so incurred the wrath of hardcore fans of Kansas/Boston, bands we perhaps unfairly dumped on because they’re part of that most loathsome movement in music—Prog Rock. Then again, the more comments we get from people leaping to their defense, the less we regret their inclusion. [for more click here]
Ways Bangkok and Toronto are Different

As regular readers and his immediate neighbors might be aware, Shark Guy Noel makes his home in Bangkok Thailand. He’s often asked to compare Thailand with Canada, and he would rather just send along this URL the next time that question comes up [for more click here]

Beer Fashion

If you’ve just beaten an Oxycontin rap, your wife or a personal ‘Rock ‘N’ Bowl best, you’ve probably got a closet full of these suds duds already. For everyone else, here are a few beer-themed sartorial choices that you can run by the missus as she lights a Vantage Ultra Light off the propane barbecue and risks causing upwards of $1300 in property damage from the ensuing blaze. [for more click here]

Cop Show Cliches

For some time there has been a disconnect between TV cops and the ones everybody knew— kind of like the disconnect between June and Ward Cleaver sleeping in separate beds on Leave it to Beaver, and the kind of bedpost-grabbing boffing real-life Ward would have been administering, frustrated by that retarded pair of kids of his. The Keystone Cops in the early part of the last century brought us the image of hapless police unable to keep a good man locked up, rather than the bloodthirsty goon hired by the railroad to bash heads that would have been more accurate. [for more click here]

Ways to be Irish on St Patty’s Day

To drinkers, St. Patrick’s Day is an occasion that holds an almost religious significance. In fact, some drunk in a bar many St. Patrick’s Days ago once told us that the occasion was rooted in some sort of Catholic tradition. He described a highly improbable scenario involving snakes having infested Ireland, and a saint named Patrick coming along to drive them out like some sort of pest control superman. Being that this entire business reminded us of an awful Jon Voight serpent movie out of theaters by then that we had hoped to put out of our minds as well, we proceeded to move to the other end of the bar. [for more click here]

Chris Brown and Rihanna Duet Ideas

You may not have guessed this, but we’re the kind of guys who simply CANNOT get enough celebrity news. We were bottle-fed Mary Hart and John Tesh (his groundbreaking entertainment reportage, not his, for lack of a better word, music career). So, obviously Chris Brown and Rihanna are figures of colossal importance in our lives. [for more click here]

People who Look like the Frankenstein Monster

There are two types of people in the world: those who look like the Frankenstein monster and everyone else, (which includes those who like to make fun of people who look like the Frankenstein monster—there are others who say there are two groups of people in the world, those who divide the world into two different groups, and those who don’t, but we digress). [click here for more]

Worst Cookbooks of all Time

The art of actually preparing a meal has become a thing of the past. Who among us (who is not collecting on a bogus personal injury claim) has the time to seek out the various ingredients needed to prepare a proper meal, not to mention all of the digit-endangering chopping and preparation, setting and watching of timers and fine-tuning the olfactory senses to the smell of something smoking in the kitchen? [click here for more]

FOR EVEN MORE LISTS CLICK HERE!!!!